Dating Simulation

I was not born a woman of many uncertainties and vexations. I was raised from a young age indulging in everything I desired, an easy task as I did not ask for much, and as a result I never had much. Nary a day went past when I had to struggle to attain my goals, such goals were not much more than stones by the wayside that I casually sauntered by on the ever-shortening road of life. As I result, I grew more distant from my contemporaries, and soon my peers were but a twinkle in my eye once I had enrolled in the 3rd finest medical school in Southampton.
However, this did not save me from falling for one of humanity's greatest vices, that of the base temptations of human lust. Alas, it appeared we shared too much in common by our horrible luck, and then we were stuck coyly fiddling about in a mating ritual reserved for jubilant couples eating cheap imitations of fine cuisine outside in the pale moonlight of a Christmas eve.

My partner was a shy young cadet, the kind you'd see scrunched up in the corner of an empty classroom playing emulated NES games on a TI-86 Calculator, listening to a simple english interpretation of Also sprach Zarathustra, and then taking notes of Nietzsche's work so that he can quote him completely out of context in his essay on how much the latest blockbuster game is 100% objectively "Fat Nasty Trash."
He had come up to me clad in his most confident uniform, that is a plain T-shirt, pants that had recently stretched far too wide for him, and therefore spent every waking moment scanning around nervously for the chance to pull them up without seeming lewd, and an old scarf that supposedly goes back several decades, harboring a deep family secret only he and a select few around the world are capable of knowing at this moment.
His first response to me had humorously shed fun at the fact that I clearly didn't want anything to do with him at this moment, but once that joke fell flat on its face, he broke into several nervous sweats and became incapable of typical speech. His only choice in this situation was to speak to me in a strange tongue comprised of Deep Space Nine quotes and the soothing call of the Mexican Spotted Owl, all while dancing a gesture that had interpreted the struggle of a man within the grips of toe gangrene trying to milk the udders of the mystical space unicorn at a chance of salvation in a second life.

	I had miraculously managed to crack the code, but it was too late; I had unwittingly agreed to go on a most salacious date with him after erroneously responding "Brwwoooooo hooo Having me fight D'Ghor is nothing more than an execution!" And thus my fate was sealed. Before I knew it, I was standing in front of an orante Swedish restaurant, my date having arrived hours early in an attempt to seem endearing, and reserved a seat for me. A sweet gesture for sure, but there were countless places I would rather be at this moment, like in the office of the Turkmenistan Communist Party.
As I sat down, my date had fastened his tie, looking less like fancy neckwear and more like an upended dürüm, and had begun the small talk after I adjusted my glasses in an awkward fashion. It was a sorry sight; my date had clearly dressed up in the most professional attire he could manage on his modest budget, and here I was in jeans and a turtleneck. I had wondered about the absurd lengths he jumped through, but my train of thought was cut short after he asked me about the "uprisings." I hadn't a clue what he meant, but I agreed with it all anyway. It seemed agreeable enough.

	I wasn't fooling him anytime soon though. He could read me like an open book, and measured my complete disinterest for every word that he vomited out of his mouth. It was quite relieving in a way, watching him squirm and sweat every time he tried to impress me with his intricate knowledge of the impact of skull cap sales in east asia. I felt like I had him cornered, and a single "Oh? I guess that's nice" would leave him in tears. But before I could make the finishing blow, I first had to order my meal. And what did you know, the waiter had arrived just on time.

"BRUUUUUUUUUUGGHGHUUUUGUHGHEWHRHRHRHRHRHRUIRIR"
Against my better intuitions, it turned out our waiter was actually an undead interdimensional being shambling about on the legs of 50 slugs attached to crystalline needles, its eyes resembling a cloudy musk of volcanic ash, its gibbering mouth having the same properties as a middle age meat grinder, and its obscene flailing whips for arms cutting pieces of the air and the fabric of time itself. This had proved something of an inconvenience for the purposes of ordering our meal, but by the god testing me above I was determined to crush his soul at the right time.
"Yes, I'd like a Chicken Parmesan..." I spoke to the being which had spontaneously shapeshifted into a tall, pencil-thin humanoid tied up in a hundred metal wool ropes, a disjointed mockery of a mask capable only of expressing the feeling of crushing the aluminum wrappers stored in lemon pies and the sensation of sticking dimes under your fingernails being bloodily bolted onto its face while screaming for forgiveness from the 7th child of Eden. "A-and I just want the special." My date had nervously jittered out, hoping in vain that I wasn't still planning on slamming my emotional hammer against his skull.

	My mind had wandered off to strange places as I waited patiently for the food. There was the inherent nervousness that my chicken parm might not be prepared to my particular liking, as it turned out the entrance to the restaurant was actually a well-hidden portal to a secret elder dimension populated by a race that had reached the ultimate universal singularity after conquering the core of their universe, so tastes must have obviously changed over that span of time. My date had profusely apologized for the mishap, as this sudden discovery led the restaurant to be swarmed by the top-secret US Agency experienced in these kinds of affairs. We were still allowed to stay in the meantime, but it wasn't the most ideal of conditions.

	"O-okay, I get it!" My date had finally had enough. "I know I'm not that interesting, and I know I'm probably boring you to tears right now, but guess what?! I'm still trying my best here, okay?! Can't you attempt a little bit of enthusiasm here? I've spent god knows how much on -you-, _____, and I'd like for us to have at least have a slight sliver of a chance!"
I pouted to the side, clearly understanding his plight as the blood of US Agents began to stain the walls as the being compressed their skin matter into multiple spacial points, but it was getting a bit frustrating that he didn't get the hint.
"Listen, it's not you, it's just that...I needed a bit more time to think this out." I stated as straight as I could put it without dropping my hammer too hard.
"So you're telling me there's a chance?" He replied with a hopeful gleam in his eyes.
"You son of a bitch, just for using that card I should..." I angrily muttered through my teeth before being cut off by the attention-grabbing call of the waiter.

"I do say, your most delightful grub is right here old chap!" The being had spontaneously taken the shape of the combined form of the 27-33rd Presidents of the United States holding our steaming hot foodstuffs; As it turns out the singularity was capable of cooking about 12x faster than a normal chef, but the actual quality was nothing to write home about.
It seems I truly had swung my mallet a bit too early, as my date was already wiping away the tears rolling down his cheeks with his 'kerchief. I had unabashedly chewed the disturbingly pizza-like chicken in silence, a wall between us growing so thick not even a welsh bureaucrat issued a state summons could penetrate it. After a good few minutes of deafening silence, silence so silent you could begin to hear the blood flowing out of your beating heart, my date had raised his voice. "S-So, this food, it's pretty good right?"

	The shambling being clipped through the wall and bowed his 59th current head in honor of the compliment. "Thank you. This might be the last meal I shall prepare in my 8th universal lifetime."
I redirected my full attention to the being with a single leg with the consistency of creamed Marmite mixed with the ashes of Liu Yan of the late Eastern Han Dynasty. "What are you going to do after this?" I asked.
"Sadly my capture by the secret space police is inevitable. Soon I will become not much more than a subject of endless experimentation until my demise, a fate bestowed upon my peers."
I had felt a twinge of guilt for being so toxic in the throes of a creature's final hour, and had rethought my position a bit.
"Ah, tut tut. I know what you're thinking. Don't mind it. I have experienced an amount of lifetimes so grandoise, your universe wouldn't even have space to fit the number on a thin sheet of paper, and I still fail to understand the concept of 'love.' You're still a ways off too in that regard. It is a strange and confusing matter of affairs."

	My date had scratched his head after the abomination's final thoughts. "You're right. Maybe I shouldn't have rushed into things. Just kinda think things out before-" But then suddenly my date had stared in horror at the sight of me biting into the cosmic horror's flesh with glowing eyes. Little by little, I had absorbed its power, and began my transformation into the perfect being. "Then that means you were WEAK!" I yelled over the bleeding dead carcass of the creature. "There is not a soul in the cosmos that will stop me from understanding life's greatest concept, and I will be willing to make everyone in my way fall to the depths of hell!"

	I had finally absorbed every cellular matter in every dimension of the being, and completed my metamorphosis into the 856th Beast of Delacroix, my arms replaced with feathers of radioactive dark antimatter and my legs melding into the winding snake-like obelisk who's full form cannot be witnessed in the 3rd dimension, much like how a 1 dimensional being cannot comprehend the Y axis. I had leaped at my date and swallowed him whole, keeping him tightened within the depths of my bowels until the time of true understanding would come. Until then, I wander the outskirts of time, succeeding my ancestor in ways it could only hope to achieve. I have surpassed the supermen of this world, and in its place will be a new era of primordium. And it is true bliss.