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- Sullivan Ballou to his wife Sarah 1861
- My very dear Sarah:
- The indications are very strong that we shall move in a few days — perhaps tomorrow.
- Lest I should not be able to write you again, I feel impelled to write lines that may fall under your eye when I shall be no more.
- Our movement may be one of a few days duration and full of pleasure — and it may be one of severe conflict and death to me.
- Not my will, but thine 0 God, be done. If it is necessary that I should fall on the battlefield for my country, I am ready.
- I have no misgivings about, or lack of confidence in, the cause in which I am engaged, and my courage does not halt or falter.
- I know how strongly American Civilization now leans upon the triumph of the Government,
- and how great a debt we owe to those who went before us through the blood and suffering of the Revolution.
- And I am willing — perfectly willing — to lay down all my joys in this life, to help maintain this Government, and to pay that debt.
- But, my dear wife, when I know that with my own joys I lay down nearly all of yours,
- and replace them in this life with cares and sorrows — when, after having eaten for long years
- the bitter fruit of orphanage myself, I must offer it as their only sustenance to my dear little children —
- is it weak or dishonorable, while the banner of my purpose floats calmly and proudly in the breeze,
- that my unbounded love for you, my darling wife and children, should struggle in fierce,
- though useless, contest with my love of country?
- I cannot describe to you my feelings on this calm summer night, when two thousand men are sleeping around me,
- many of them enjoying the last, perhaps, before that of death — and I, suspicious that Death is creeping behind me
- with his fatal dart, am communing with God, my country, and thee.
- I have sought most closely and diligently, and often in my breast, for a wrong motive in thus hazarding
- the happiness of those I loved and I could not find one. A pure love of my country and of the principles have often
- advocated before the people and “the name of honor that I love more than I fear death” have called upon me, and I have obeyed.
- Sarah, my love for you is deathless, it seems to bind me to you with mighty cables that nothing but Omnipotence could break;
- and yet my love of Country comes over me like a strong wind and bears me irresistibly on with all these chains to the battlefield.
- The memories of the blissful moments I have spent with you come creeping over me, and I feel most gratified to God
- and to you that I have enjoyed them so long. And hard it is for me to give them up and burn to ashes the hopes
- of future years, when God willing, we might still have lived and loved together and seen our sons grow up to
- honorable manhood around us. I have, I know, but few and small claims upon Divine Providence, but something whispers to me
- perhaps it is the wafted prayer of my little Edgar — that I shall return to my loved ones unharmed.
- If I do not, my dear Sarah, never forget how much I love you, and when my last breath escapes me on
- the battlefield, it will whisper your name.
- Forgive my many faults, and the many pains I have caused you. How thoughtless and foolish I have oftentimes been!
- How gladly would I wash out with my tears every little spot upon your happiness, and struggle with all the misfortune
- of this world, to shield you and my children from harm. But I cannot. I must watch you from the spirit land and hover
- near you, while you buffet the storms with your precious little freight, and wait with sad patience till we meet to part no more.
- But, O Sarah! If the dead can come back to this earth and flit unseen around those they loved,
- I shall always be near you; in the garish day and in the darkest night — amidst your happiest scenes and gloomiest hours
- always, always; and if there be a soft breeze upon your cheek, it shall be my breath; or the cool air fans your throbbing temple,
- it shall be my spirit passing by.
- Sarah, do not mourn me dead; think I am gone and wait for thee, for we shall meet again.
- As for my little boys, they will grow as I have done, and never know a father’s love and care.
- Little Willie is too young to remember me long, and my blue-eyed Edgar will keep my frolics with him among
- the dimmest memories of his childhood.
- Sarah, I have unlimited confidence in your maternal care and your
- development of their characters. Tell my two mothers his and hers I call God’s blessing upon them.
- O Sarah, I wait for you there! Come to me, and lead thither my children.
- Sullivan
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