I feel trapped.

Sometimes I feel trapped by things I want to talk about.
I feel trapped by the anxiety and uncertainty about stuff I wanna talk about because it feels like I need to speak my mind about it. But after being told "No, you can't talk about it or see what's going on." For so long, I get the chills just thinking about what to say whenever something comes up.
I feel a great anxiety talking about anything really, now a days. something that happens now a days while I'm out back feeding the horses is that I get these day dreams, reimaginings of situations tha tI was in, some are stronger than others. In those instances, I lse track of myself, and my mind's just in THAT particular moment. My words,, mannerisms, and mood are pretty dependent on what I've wanted to say in those circumstances.
there are three that are particularly the strongest.
At a audition for my colleges talent show, where there are twenty of thirty people, including a woman I one had an attraction to.
A bench where a friend of hers and I sat down to chat and eat lunch one day, and she walked up in a red dress.
At Great Lakes, RTC in MI, in a compartment, being screamed at that I wasn't good enough to be in the Navy by a Chief, a Senior chief, and three Petty Officers of varying classes.

In each of these instances, I've either become angry, worried, or complacent about one thing or another, and often, what I'd say in those situations changes from time to time. And I've been through this so many times that sometimes, they justp lay out as the actual memory does.

i don't know who I can turn to to talk about this kind of thing...