PART 4
Nitrous said, “Yep,” as he surveyed the destroyed Nazi convention that for sure happened and people totally visited, “this sure is a travesty.”
Nitrous and Hufflaw were standing over the ruins of what was once the Third Reich’s convention, on a grassy knoll, surveying the destruction. The sky was a brooding color and it looked as if it would rain at any moment. They could see several people buried halfway into the ground, who all seemed to be dying.
Hufflaw, an anime fanatic (and freak in bed ;)), went to the first person she saw: a woman in very sexy leather, one that you might imagine your dad looking at when he spends more time than normal in the bathroom, and a lip piercing, buried halfway into the mud, who was bleeding profusely.
Hufflaw began to talk, “oOooh so kawaii ^_^ whats your quest stranger x3”
The woman, who we will call Dions, said, “Ooch, aye, me family from Scotland came to this convention to find me a husband, but these Nazis are all fucken NERDS! Tha task proves too hard for even me, aye”
Hufflaw nodded wisely, “Hai, hai [this is Japanese for hello], very... :3 HARD X3 *thinks of nitrous*”
“Did you just say asterisk thinks of nitrous asterisk there -“
“NEVERMIND THAT,” Hufflaw yelled and left Dions to die, “SO NITROUS-CHAN!?!?!? HOW’S SCAVENGING GOING???? ;3 :*” she yelled into the void, though she couldn’t see Nitrous anywhere.
It began to rain severely. Severely enough, it turned out, to dislodge all the earth that had just buried hundreds of Nazis alive. This mudslide propelled everyone alive to another location, this time: Nitrous’s house, which had been draped in the latest liberal party advertisements, as Nitrous’s parents were very big on personal responsibility and wealth.
His parents had been sitting on the veranda before the mudslide hit them, “Mmm, this is some excellent Camombert, dear,” his mother had said, and sat down in the very expensive chair made by Cambodian workers who were worked to death.
“Yes, dear, I am glad we are not like our son, who will hopefully grow out of this ‘hating all Jews and wanting to enact a horrific genocide on every non-Germanic person in the world’ phase soon enough,” his father had said in the most yuppie tone of voice ever, and smoked some tobacco that had been picked by Columbian children in indentured slavery.
Both of them had, of course, been buried by the mudslide that providence had sent them. Nitrous’s fairly rich house and all his inheritable property had gone into the Earth, never to be seen again. And as he was flying towards this location carried by the mud he had only one thought on his mind: that his manga collection of Mein Kampf adaptations survived.
But nevermind him, and nevermind Hufflaw, let us go back to this mysterious Dions person. Who had somehow survived and somehow found herself in the great entrance hall of the Nitrous abode, “oof aye tis be sum fookin extravagance, f'r sure!” she said and began looting any silverware she could find.
As she finished stuffing everything of value in the entrance hall into her pockets she climbed the stairs along the only pathway not covered in mud. As an aside: this entire situation reminded her of a womb and also of the famous Scottish game of Bury Me Alive, and she thought this aloud as she entered the room.
The room, which I should note looked very much like a vagina, was covered in mud, any characterizing features or history of the room having been buried, and the window leading to what should be outside leading only to mud. There was a single young looking person crying in the middle of this room, he was dressed in a SS-uniform and seemed to be wearing make up.
“Wah,” this person cried, “My Mein Kampf manga anthologies are ruined.”
Dions was shocked, “Fookin ‘ell, mate, these Danes cannae even cry roight! I never shoulda came here!” and spat on the floor, hitting the young man.
“How dare you!” this man said, “I shall have you know I am Nitrous! The first in line to inherit this house! I - I’ll beat your ass, you n-n… ni… uh…"
"n-word…” he said silently.
Dions fucking beat him up, stole his Nazi cap, then jumped through the window and mud-swam her way to freedom. Nitrous cried a lot and after a good hour of crying (he was a tough man), this thirty year old with weak knees and a runny nose then got himself together, sniffled a bit, and went on to explore the ruins of his property, which were rapidly running out of oxygen.
He went into the only room with any light, the entrance hall, which had a great big chandelier hanging in it, coupled with two staircases that went to the upper floor. There had been many art pieces and silverware that was in cupboards around the room, but they were no longer there, Nitrous muttered revenge in a half-hearted way to whoever stole them.
He also saw the corpses of his two parents. A horrific sight to which he shrugged, and threw a handkerchief, which he had kept for explicitly this purpose, over their faces.
Hufflaw, who had been hiding on the chandelier, then jumped from it onto Nitrous and said, “GLOMP! X3” as she shattered his spine, paralyzing his legs, “Missed me??? ;)”
Nitrous could only mutter a “ugahughghhhhghhhuhwaghwaaaa!!!” with his remaining strength. Hufflaw meanwhile went to go pounce on things she saw and make really weird cat like noises.
After an hour the pain subsided enough for Nitrous to say, “Hey Hufflaw,” as Hufflaw’s ears perked up to hear what was up, “Come closer.”
As Hufflaw slowly walked towards Nitrous, jiggling her hips seductively, Nitrous continued, “Heil Hitler! Haha, just kidding, I never believed in that Nazi stuff, anyway… I know we met at the Nazi convention Hufflaw, and I know you’re a Nazi but -“
“What’s a nazi ^_^”
“But! Goddamnit, Hufflaw, listen to me for once in your life!”
“What’s a listen ^_^”
“You break my spine and this is the treatment you give -“
“lolzors idgi x_X”
“Hufflaw!” he said as he grasped Hufflaw’s Anne Franke cosplay and pulled his face up to hers, “This house is rapidly running out of oxygen, I can feel we’re both dying and there’s no hope anymore for either of us to survive this so I wanted to clear up some last things before we die!”
“lmao thanks me too jk *listens* ~o_o~”
“I have always loved you Hufflaw, I am sorry for the bluntness. You might think that we met at the convention, but that’s a lie, we had met a thousand times before that. We had met at bus stations, at shops, at parks, while I was walking my dog, Toby, God rest his soul! You were there!
And every time, every single time we met, you were always cheerful, even when I was despairing over my shit life you were there smiling and giving me encouragement, me! A pathetic man who hadn’t done anything with his life! And, I admit, this next part will sound disconcerting and horrific, and it is, but I hope you can find it in you to forgive me for it, but I would understand if you wouldn’t."
He breathed in,
"I became obsessed with you, ever since we met, each night after I saw you I would have these crazy fantasies about us living our lives together, caring for each other even into our old age. I had no idea why, maybe I was desperate for human contact after decades of boarding schools, maybe it was love at first sight. But nevertheless, after obsessing I then hired Private Inspectors to stalk you, I found out your name and address and interests and researched you thoroughly.
And that - that was how I knew you were going to be at the convention, my parents thought I had been a Nazi beforehand because of my taste in manga, but I only liked how attractive Hitler looked in that, and how fierce!” he grasped the thinning air with his fist as he said this.
Then he remembered the state of both of their lives and how soon they'd meet their doom and pinched the bridge of his nose with his fingers in despair and continued, “It is sad that after all this, this is how it ends." He then looked into Hufflaw's face, "I hope. I hope you feel the same way, Hufflaw, God knows I don’t deserve love, but -“
Hufflaw shushed him with her fingers, and said “*gives you head nuzzlez* X3 I luvz u ^_^”
Nitrous cried tears, he felt as if this had been the first real emotion he had felt in his entire life, the next words he said were calculated, not only because of the less than breathable atmosphere in the house, but because they held a kind of sacred meaning to Nitrous, “Thank you, Hufflaw,” he said and smiled, their eyes locking.
They stayed there for a minute, their hour of death rapidly closing in.
Moments later, Nitrous interrupted the silence with a weak laugh, “I just realized something, Hufflaw,”
Hufflaw squeaked, “dafuq?? x_o wut?”
Nitrous looked her into the eyes, clasped her hand, and replied with the last words he would ever speak in this life, “im gay”