Thread 61: Stories 31-45

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Non-Canon
>Pinkie
"Cadence"
~~~~
>Welcome to Not Late Night /pa/ with your host Pinkie Pie! It's during this time that content does matter, but I want to check in on somepony. Now for our main guest...PRINCESS CADENCE!!!

"Hi every...wait when did-"

>It's come to my attention that you're on a date! Care to kiss and tell us?

"Oh uh, well-"

>And there you have it folks! A juicy gossip to chew on! You heard it first here.

"I really wish-"

>No time. I just wanted to do a quick interruption. You shouldn't be nodding off here.

Cadence wakes up at the table still on her date.
"What? No no, I wasn't sleeping. Just keep talking about exporting crystal berries."

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>Twilight
"Spike"
~~~~

>...No, no no no, this should be point fifteen per millisecond, not ten. This is all wrong!

"Oh no! Not a while point five miliseconds! Not a while fraction of a thousandth of a second, this is all wrong! The world shall end! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!"

Dryly, she shot a look to the dragon that entered in through the door.

>...ha. Ha. Ha. Did you come to see me just to make fun of me?

"Make fun of you, bring you some food because there is food and food is good, maybe even make sure you're not going to blow us all up if there's time."

She sighed as he set the platter down, idly snatching up one of the hay sandwiches.

>I'm long since past the time when I'm willing to make massive weapons that could do that. I'm going to be content with making the world a better place, not more technologically weaponized.

"Oh sure, not like we would need better weapons. Clearly, we should just keep using Chitania."

>...That was different.

Sensing her unease, he quickly shifted gears.

"Got that right. So! What horrible thing has happened to cause this oh so dastardly number to appear where it should not be."

>Ugh! It's these freaking Sparklejoules!

"...Really?"

>I didn't name them!

"Fair enough. What are they doing?"

>They're being crazy! They don't ever expend or grow at a standard rate! They just jump around with no sense of method or consistency! Sometimes they're bright orange, then they snap down to mute lavender with no consistency!

"I'm just going to pretend I understood that. So, what does this mean?"

>How are we supposed to farm for sparklejoules if their colors don't stay consistent!

"...That phrase has made me go crosseyed, and i do not know if I will ever be right again."

>It's bad!

"Not the bad!"

>...You're making fun of me.

"Me? Never..."

>...

"Aw, come on. Maybe this is just the one thing that science and magic cannot explain?"

>...I will wash your mouth out with soap.


"Now, see, you don't get to make threats like that, because that one time you actually-TWI PUT IT DOWN!"

Slowly, she did lower the soap bar she had hefted.

"Not funny!"

>I disagree.

"Ugggh. Why don't you just ask your new buddy about it?"

>One, she is not my 'new' buddy, we've been working together for months. Second, are you still on about that?

"S'cuse me for being sane."

>Spike...

"Fine, why don't you just go ask your new future sister in law?"

>...

"..."

>...Oh dear Celestia she'll be my sister in law if they get married.

"Huh. That is weird."

>That is SUPER weird. I mean, it's not bad, she's a nice mare and she's really devoted to him-

"Understatement."

>-but still. Weird. Like... I will be directly related to a changeling.

"Besides your niece?"

>...Point to you, guess that part isn't that weird.

"Still, can't believe it actually happened."

>Right? But who knows, maybe Luminous Alabaster is enough for both of them.

"Is that a lot?"

>No idea!

"...Uh, speaking of internal magic... I had a talk with Chitania earlier today."

Just like that, her full attention was on him.

"Nothing bad, it's just she mentioned my... issue looks a lot like her magic."

>You don't say...

"She called it "Titan" magic, said she hadn't heard of it from a dragon, but that I fit what she herself experienced with it."

>...Interesting...

"So uh... you want to... maybe run some tests?"

She winced, pained looking.

>I... I don't think that's a very good idea. You're not... you when that happens. You might hurt someone.

"Even if I did it in the magic room?"

>That thing has limits, Spike.

"Even if you guys were watching?"

>To do what?

"...Ah. Yeah, point. Guess if I got out of control you wouldn't... you know."

>No, I wouldn't. And I don't want to have to owe that... changeling anything else for her to stop you without seriously injuring you.

"Yeah... point."

It hurt, seeing him deflate like that. But there wasn't much she could do...


>...Want to help me organize my books?

"What? Why?"

>Old times sake?

He cocked an eyebrow at her, confused.

Shrugging, he got up, and dusted his claws off.

"You know what? Why not."

>Great! Let's get started! I say we do it by page count!"

"...Really?"

>Don't worry, we'll put them back into the proper order afterwards!

"Oh yeah, that makes sense."

>Obviously.

He chuckled, watching as she pulled every book to the ground.

>You know... she'd be your sister in law too, Spike.

He froze, his claw hovering over a book. Despite this, he felt quite... warm.

"...Yeah... point."

The moment gone, he reached down and picked it up.

"...Is this a book on-"

>DON'T LOOK AT THAT!

"...why."

>It's love research!

"...the pony sutra."

>REALLY!"

"...Twilight no..."

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>Waiter
"Chef"
~~~~

"Hey, Sparks?"

>Yeah, man?

"Soooo... I can't help but notice-"

>Yes.

"...Really?"

>Really really. I think they're actually.... you know.

"NO!"

>I think so.

"A date!? Really!?"

>Don't quote me on it. Trying not to easedrop.

"But that's the prince and princess of love! They're like... the ultimate couple!"

>Like I said, don't quote me on it.

"...Wow... so uh... do you think-"

>Don't do it pal.

"I'm just saying, if they're willing to let another MARE into the fold, what are the chances they'll let a stallion in-"

>Just... just let it go.

"Don't take this from me!"

>...You're not going to date Shining Armor.

"I CAN DREAM!"

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'DOES ANYONE *NOT* WANT TO FUCK MY HUSBAND!?'

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NC
>Cadance
"Various"
~~~
>Alright! So just to be clear, RAISE YOUR HAND IF YOU WANT TO FUCK MY HUSBAND!

Hundreds upon hundreds of hooves and claws go up around the Equestria Games Stadium.

>Be honest...

The entire stadium raises their limbs

"Spike?!"

"I'm sorry, Rarity... I'm only a man. A man who cannot be 100% straight."

"Twilight, isn't that incest?"

"Actually... I just didn't want to feel left out."

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"Vekir I thought you didn't want a mate."

'Oh THAT'S what this word means?'

"...you're not lowering it."

'Shiny pony is very pretty.'

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"Wait a minute, Luna!? I thought you didn't like him!"

'I don't.'

"Then why?"

'What? We do not wish a relationship with him, but he is quite large and magically gifted, and of a powerful line. Our offspring would be quite powerful!'

"..."

'...We would not look at him during, if it makes you feel better.'

"It really doesn't."

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[SA]
{???}
~~~

[...I swear to god if my parents are in there, I'm ending it. This is how I die.]

{They're not... but mine are....}

[...Pinkie, I am so sorry.]

{Yeah... me too.}

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>...I'm curious... HOW MANY OF YOU WANT TO FUCK *ME*!?

Most of the stadium raises their limbs.

>WHAT!? How do I get less!?

Hundreds of voices call out

"NOT INTO MARES!"

>...This is some gender disparity bullsh- Twilight you don't have to hold it up to be part of a group anymore.

"..."

>.....Oh.

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"Uh...Daw didn't you make a connection between him and your adopted dad?"

'...'

-...kinky~-

'CAN IT, BUG!'

-Notice your hoof isn't the only one up, scury snatch.-

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"P-PRINCE SIEGFRIED!?"

"Haven't you heard of 'diplomatic relations'?"

"That's not what that means!"

"...OH SHIT!"

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"Hey, why aren't you raising your hoof?"

"Are you kidding me? There's enough fanfic material here to last a lifetime! I can't pass up the motherlode!"

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Shining armor sits there smirking, fore legs crossed.

"Shining, aren't you going to raise your hoof to let your own wife know you want to fuck her?"

"Oh, I've raised something alright.-

~~~
>SA
~~~
>Right! That's enough of that, this has gotten much too silly. And more than a bit lewd. Now let's try something nice and military.

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Non-Canon
>Pinkie
"Discord"
~~~~
>Welcome to Late Night /pa/ with your host Pinkie Pie! It's during this time that content doesn't matter, and stories made by phone are a *censored*. Now for our main guest... DISCORD!!!

"*censored* right in the pussy!"

>Classy. Anyway the question for tonight is Do you think Chitania is ever going to pick a fight with you?

"If she does, it'd be-"

>Time's up! That's a-

"Hey, I still want screen time. It's not like I have anything better to do. I've been so bored without Fluttershy around."

>Well, that's too bad. You're going to have to wake up now.

"I say, no."

>I knew this was going to happen if I invited you here. My producer isn't going to allow this. Get off my show!

"Fight me."
Pinkie takes a fighting stance.

>With pleasure.
Screen goes black as grunts and punches can be heard.
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=GHAOkDamRzU
On the other side of the screen, they're both eating popcorn while a boom box plays sounds.

"Can I come again?"

>Eh, we'll play it by ear.

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>Pommel
"Guards"

>SQUUUUUUAD. CAMP IT. UP!

"Oooh get her! Whoops! I've got your number buddy.You couldn't afford me, dear. "

"Two three."

"I'd scratch your eyes out."

"Don't come the brigadier bit with us, dear,"

"We all know where you've been, you military breezie!"

"Whoops, don't look now boys, The captain's just minced in, with that dolly pirate blighter,

"Two, three,"

"ooooOOOOoooooh!"

>Right! Stop that! ....A bit suspect I think

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