Original post: http://ks.renai.us/viewtopic.php?f=52&t=7281&p=136914#p136914
I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel.
After I heard what had happened, everything seemed to go numb.
The pain is the only thing that feels real now.
There was a chance you weren’t repulsed by me.
I know I ran away, but I wanted to stay.
I wanted to give you a chance.
And now that chance is gone.
If I could have had the nerve to stick to my guns, things might have been different.
I keep trying to forget how badly I screwed up that conversation.
It hurts too much.
But I remember everything.
I have many friends at this school.
But I only have one true friend.
My sweetest friend.
That’s not something that changes often.
I thought you could change that.
You could be a part of our little family.
It’s not much, but you could have had it all.
And yet, it wasn’t to be.
I thought I had done something wrong.
I’d considered myself an approachable, hospitable person, but it seems I am mistaken.
What have I become, to have failed at the very thing a Class Representative is here to do?
I am sorry I failed you.
I’m full of broken thoughts.
I always have been.
It’s like there’s a gap between what I think and the idea behind it.
Then I met you.
I didn’t see you very much, but when I did, it felt like you could repair that gap.
Things made more sense.
The crown of thorns that prickled into my conscience was lifted.
I thought so, anyway.
You still seemed to be lost whenever I talked.
I could have gotten you to understand me, and we’d be friends.
Or maybe we both would have ended up on the roof that night.
I lost someone once.
It was a long time ago.
I’ve been closing myself off ever since.
When I run, that feeling disappears.
I can be free again.
I don’t know what you were like before you came here, but I thought we could run together.
Be free of our pasts together.
Maybe even open our hearts together.
But you never came back.
I never sought you out, because I told myself you would be there tomorrow.
You were just taking a rest day.
I should have gone looking for you.
Now you’re somewhere else, and I’m still right here.
Everyone I know goes away, in the end.
All this time, I’ve struggled to understand why.
I’m not the easiest person to get to know, for obvious reasons.
It’s not like I don’t put in the effort to overcome that, though.
Am I trying too hard?
Is it possible to pursue friendship too aggressively?
Logic dictates that success at any task can come down to the same fundamental steps.
Perhaps friendship isn’t bound by logic.
Maybe I can’t apply the same strategies I use to win games to winning people’s hearts.
I let you down, Hisao. I drove you away.
If I could start again, I would find a way.
A way to change things…
A way to make everyone happy…
A way that doesn’t end like this.
Did you know that you caught her eye the second you walked into class?
I was more than a little jealous, I’ll admit, but I wanted her to be happy.
I did what I could to sway you into joining us.
No matter what I tried, though, nothing seemed to appeal to you.
Was it my fault?
Was I in the way?
If I could start again, I would keep to myself.
Hurt is a song written by Trent Reznor, and covered by Johnny Cash.