Time waits for no Mare [RGRE][WIP]

“...Why me?”
>”Do you want the official answer first, or the honest one?”
>You scratch your chin, considering Twilight's question.
“Let's go for... Official first. Those are always entertaining.”
>Book unicorn smiles as she magics up a letter.
>“Anonymous.F.Aggot. Your last four years in Equestria has seen you adapt marvellously to your new environment and the world you so sadly found yourself in. I, Princess Celestia, Monarch of the Sun, ex-Regent of the Moon, Dawnbringer, her majesty...”
>You gesture for Twilight to hurry up as you take a sip of beer.
>”This is important Mr Anonymous, Celestia would not have added it to the letter if...”
“Look, little horse. I know full well that she literally stamps her titles in her letter with a literal big stamp. I've seen her do it. I once had it stamped on my ass after I lost a bet against her. Skip the titles.”
>”Fine. I, Princess Celestia, can think of none better to aid in the rehabilitation and readjustment of my darling sister, Princess Luna, Monarch of the... You know, I know you haven't heard these ones before, so I will read them out.”
>You run a hand down your face as Twilight, no doubt merely to annoy you, reads out the entire page of this 'Princess Luna' character's titles.
>”...Dream walker, she who...”
“This is great and all, but since when has Princess Celestia, her royal sunbutt, ever had a sister?”
>”Did you miss... Were you not aware of the whole thing... You know, the summer sun celebration?”
“Wasn't that in some podunk village for.. Some reason? Twilight, I was getting drunk with... I think it was... I wanna say Stalwart Shield?”
>”For the whole sixteen hours of uninterrupted darkness? In the middle of the summer?”
“I figured Celestia was pranking the entire world by refusing to bring about the longest day in the year. Seems like her.”#
>”Well, Celestia has a sister, she's been missing for a thousand years, and Celestia wants you to show her the ropes of modern society.”
>You mull over that for a few seconds, wondering where exactly your life had gone so terribly wrong that you were now playing babysitter for talking ponies.
>Perhaps it was the time you deliberately speed up while driving past a horse on some country road just to make the rider shit themselves. That would be the sort of poetic irony God probably fucking loves to throw at people.
“Okay. So, let me get this straight. Officially, Celestia wants me to show some Pony Princess I've never met and don't know anything about everything there is to know about modern Equestrian society, citing the fact that I've managed to acclimatise in... Four years. Alright. Cool.”
>You lean forwards, glaring into Twilight's eyes.
“What's the real reason?”
>”Unofficially, and you understand you are not to repeat this to anypony...” Twilight warns.
“Sure, upon threat of, I don't know, I suppose you guys might exile me. Or imprison me."
>”Luna is... From another time. A time when Stallions such as yourself were treated... Very differently.”
>You perk up slightly. As much fun as it had been to be essentially treated as a woman while having almost no responsibilities and no real expectations placed upon you, it might be nice to get a slice of home.
>Twilight grimaces as she notices your growing smile.
>”She... Back then, they were barely allowed to leave the house.”
>While your smile remains on your face, it does start to grow unnoticeably more strained.
“Oh.”
>”So Celestia figured throwing her in metaphorically at the deep end with the most Marely male she could think of would quickly get the point across before she... Hits any more butlers. Or my brother. Again.”
“Ass or Face? Got to know what kind of mare I'm dealing with here.”
>”Face. She's... Fighty. Angry.”
“Well. Do I have a choice?”
>”Do you remember the fact that you have no real fixed-job?”
“God, Celestia is always holding that over me. I told her, just let me be the human ambassador and we can make up an entire country for me to pretend to work for.”
>”Anon, when you suggested you came from the Nation of Belka, you immediately started to plan to throw Equestria into war with Labyrinthia to, and I quote from your leaked manifesto, 'Restore the pride Belka lost fifteen years ago'. Belka, I remind you, doesn't exist.”
>You smile before taking another sip of beer.
“Not yet it doesn't. One word from Celestia, a diplomatic incident later and...”
>”Anyway, it's either you help Celestia acclimatise her sister to the modern world, or... Well, actually, that's basically it. I've got to go back to Ponyville, so this is squarely on you.”
“Wait? You're... You're leaving leaving?”
>You gently place the beer down on the coffee table, concern actually crossing your face for a moment.
“I thought... I thought that was just a thing for the summer celebration?”
>”Sorry. But I... I like it there. I like being a librarian. It's... I'll always be Celestia's student, but I've got to be myself first.”
“But... No, that's cool. I have plenty of friends. Plenty. Hey, don't forget my face, bookhorse.”
>You lightly punch her in... Well, it'd be the shoulder for a human, probably called the haunches or something.
>”I'm not sure I'd be physically able to forget Equestria's only human being, Greenman.”
>She smiles, and you force a smile back.
“Course not. I am the one and only. There is no one like me.”
>She shifts around, her legs splaying apart ever so slightly as she starts to move onto her hind legs, but you hold out your hand as you take a long swig of beer.
“Ahhh... Well, cool. I'll amble on down to the castle. I'll see you around if you're ever back in the capital. Take care of yourself.”
>”You stay safe, Anon. Feel free to visit once you're done with Luna. I'll have to introduce you to my friends there.”
“Later.”
>You nonchalantly salute to her, subtly gesturing to the door of your house.
>She chuckles to herself as she notices your frantic attempts to get her to leave.
>”Sheath.”
“Cunt.”
>You wryly smile as you watch her leave, then lean back in your couch as your smile slowly dies, the warm beer shaking in your hand.
>For a few moments you wait there, glancing every so often to the clock as the seconds' tick by in complete silence.
>You tap the bottle just to make a noise, staring into space.
“Fuck it, no time like the present.”
>And just like that, you make your way to leave, finishing off the bottle, putting the unopened one you had offered Twilight back in the fridge, straightening out your clothes, running a hand through your hair to fix it in the reflection of your framed Equestrian Citizenship papers.
>Honestly, this whole thing sounded terrible.
>Despite what you told Twilight, you had read up on what happened to her while she was in Ponyville. You knew exactly who Princess Luna was. What Nightmare Moon was. This was, to excuse the pun, a load of Horseshit.
>Surely Celestia should deal with her own sister.
>You dealt with this new world all by yourself...
>You glance back to the door, wince, then sigh.
>Alright, not entirely true. Maybe we do need help sometimes. But surely there are professionals that can deal with this, not some unemployed Alien creature.
“God, this is going to suck.”

~#~

>Canterlot Castle is amazing.
>Like, you had been here quite a number of times over the last four years, make no mistake. But architecturally it wows you every time. The polished to a mirror sheen marble, the purple accents, the gold leaf. And the paintings.
>My God, the paintings. Beautiful artistic renderings of Celestia raising the sun, strange and terrifying yet deeply fascinating pieces showing the cosmos.
>Rock Sculptures from Labyrinthia, Tapestries from Grifftonstone, Yak Poems carved into the stone by hand... Hoof, same difference. God, you could spend hours just walking around the place.
>You straighten out your clothes, put on your most bored expression and only spare fleeting glances to the artwork.
>That, however, was not why you were here. You were here to give this Princess Luna mare the worst first impression of her life, make Celestia realise this was a bad idea and go back to your house.
>Guards watch you as you pass. Four years coming and going from the castle had made them no less wary of you. Usually, they didn't watch you quite as intensely, but you also usually had an escort.
>Finally, you arrive at the doors to the main hall.
>”State your business, Human.”
>You glare at the white Pegasus guard, into her fierce golden eyes.
“I want to destroy the monarchy, institute mob rule, subtly undermine the democratic principles I proclaim to represent then crown myself Emperor.”
>”Again?” She asks, merely raising an eyebrow.
“Yeah, but this time I'm a bit more sober.”
>”But not entirely?”
“You know me too well... I wanna say Holdfast?”
>”Not even close. I'm Silent Sentinel.”
“Can't help but notice you're failing on that first part?”
>Quite suddenly, she actually glares at you. Still, she opens the door for you and allows you to enter the throne room.
>Now, you always appreciated the halls of Canterlot Castle, the archways, the marble, the art. But the throne room itself was a thing of absolute beauty. The stained glass windows are enchanting to switch between either allowing only their coloured light shines through and creating long, glowing artworks across the floor.
>Or, to bask the entire throne room in a brilliant golden glow.
>Then, there were the steps up to the throne. Carved out of one enormous chunk of marble, perfectly smoothed edges and perfect mirror sheen. They too seemed to have an inner glow to them. When the light shone just right, it seemed they themselves glowed with an inner light. An inner warmth.
>The Princess wasn't bad herself, but she and you had met a bunch of times before, so eh.
“Celestia. You got your little errand Unicorn to collect me.”
>Celestia moves off her throne to trot towards you.
>”Actually, knowing you, I expected you tomorrow. I figured you'd be quite drunk by now. It is the afternoon.”
“Hah de hah. Come on then, where's this old lady I've got to take to a strip club or something.”
>”I sincerely hope that wasn't your plan for rehabilitating my only living family to this new world she finds herself in.”
“... Would you believe me if I said no?”
>”Not now.”
>You chuckle to yourself, and you smile and point to Celestia as she, despite herself, begins to smile back. She rolls her violet eyes.
>”I'll have to get Luna. You... You should prepare yourself.”
>And just like that, her horn glows, and she teleports away.
>You're left there, awkwardly standing about in a massive empty room.
>You sit down on the stairs, placing your hand against the cold marble.
>Somehow, despite all the times you'd been here, you're always surprised at how cold it is, despite the way the light reflects off it.
>That there is no inner warmth, and it's just cold stone.
>You stay sat there for almost two minutes, counting down the seconds on your own in your head, when suddenly there's a bright light in front of you.
>You put on your best smile, then remember yourself and try to look nonchalant.
>Out of thin air, Celestia appears.
>Her and some blue pony. Dark blue fur, Cyan mane. Black splotch on her ass.
“Sup.”
>You nod your head to Celestia, then the other pony.
>”Luna, this is Anonymous.F.Aggot. Anon, this is my sister, Princess Luna.”
>The two of you stare into each other's eyes, green against blue.
>”You allow this stallion to speak to you this manner?”
“How come she's so short compared to you?”
>You both ask these questions of Celestia at exactly the same time, only to glare at one another after.
>”Tell your pet that we will not be spoken to in this way, and that...”
“Whoa, hang on there, tiny. Pet? I'm not into that. I mean... That would be rather strange all things considered. I must be about...”
>You stand up, moving down the steps to loom over the pony.
“Twice your height? Twice and a bit? I'm pretty sure without those wings you couldn't even reach my neck.”
>It actually weirds you out you're so offended by this. You took most mares comments about your ass, or how they'd wouldn't mind bringing your head down to their crotch level in your stride. So why this?
>”I see your kind have no use for manners at all. Sister, there is nought we might learn from such a beast, and we would suggest that...”
>”Oh for pity's sake. Anon, shut up. Luna, shut up.”
>You almost challenge her on that, opening your mouth to ready your next insult, but a glare from the ruler of Equestria shuts you up something fierce.
>”Luna. Let's start with you. I love you...”
>”Always a good start. We seem to remember you saying that, moments before you blasted us to the moon.”
>You can't help but bark out laughing at that, which only succeeds in drawing glares from both mares.
>Hurriedly, you wipe a tear from your eye and hold a hand over your mouth.
>”As I was saying. Luna, I love you. But this last week, you've made it clear to me that your return to the present is fraught with difficulties. It shall take time for you to adjust. And that is time I don't have. I'd love to drop everything and help you, dear sister. But the realm needs a ruler.”
>Celestia turns to you.
>”Anon here knows exactly what you are going through. Four years ago, he appeared out of thin air one morning from another world. With a little help from some friends, he slowly acclimatised to this world. Now, it's time for him to help another pony.”
>She gestures with her hoof for you to speak. Coughing into your hand, you start.
“Yeah. It was rough. And I get it. You're in a world you don't recognise. There's just enough familiar to unnerve you, but it's different enough to terrify you...”
>Why the hell are you being so honest? That wasn't the plan.
“And... There's no going back. This is home now. You can't shut out the rest of the world. You have to come to it. Embrace it. Learn from it. Accept it. And that's... That's difficult.”
>Luna stares at you for a few moments, various expressions crossing her face. Pity... Perhaps empathy? Then she immediately turns back to Celestia.
>”... Sister, we hardly need to get in touch with my 'coltish' side. If we must learn to deal with the present, then simply beam the knowledge we require into our head and be done with it. Rather than forcing us to...”
“Holy shit, I think I can work out why your sister banished you to the fucking moon.”
>Luna snaps back to you, fury in her cyan eyes as she trots forward, looking up at your face. Her horn starts to glow as she snarls.
>Celestia immediately places a hoof on her back and pushes you back slightly with her telekinesis. Her ire is strictly reserved for you, though.
>”She has the excuse of a thousand years without any pony contact. What's yours?”
>You open your mouth, perhaps to fight. But the words don't come.
>Sighing, you look back to Luna.
“Sorry. That was shitty of me. I sincerely apologise.”
>Barely, Luna's expression softens. A sad smile works its way onto your face.
>”We see in our thousand years of slumber, swearing has become far more common.”
>Celestia sighs.
>”Only with Anon.”
>”Few Colts we knew back then had the teats to swear openly, much less in front of royalty. Perhaps in time, we might reinstitute some real respect to the Crown. But... We can see that times have changed. And we must too.”
>You crouch down to her eye level. You can spot the way her eyes glance around your face, absorbing every minute detail. You do the same to hers. Truly seeing her for the first time, studying her as you would the art in the castle. The slightest hint of freckles on her face, the way her cyan mane matched her eyes, of simple hair rather than the glowing brilliance of her sister's aurora. The way her ears twitched ever so slightly every few seconds.
“Hey, I'm sure some things are better now then they were back then.”
>”Let's hope so. We have yet to see it.”
>You chuckle.
“Harsh. But fair.”
>You stood back up and turned to Celestia.
“So, just to be clear... I can't just take her to a strip club and be done with this?”
>”That does sound fun.” You hear Luna mumble.
>”No.” The Goddess of the Sun warns both of you. She looks pointedly at you.
>”Do as Twilight did for you when you arrived here.”
“Study my body and attempt to work out how I got here, fail, and get kind of mopey about that for a bit?”
>”... After that.”
“Got it.”
>Well.
>At least it's something to do.
>This should be all done within a week anyway.
>How hard could it be?

~#~

>”Theatre?”
“Technically, a movie. It's either that or we go drinking, and that might lead to us going to that place your sister specifically told me I couldn't take you.”
>”We always knew all stallions were at least partly colt cuddlers.”
“Har de har. I went with Twilight a few times just for the buffet. Best halloumi burgers in Canterlot. I make sure I'm wearing, like, the thickest, darkest sunglasses whenever I go. Basically makes me blind.”
>Luna sighs, scratching her front right hoof against the cobblestones.
>”What is the play?”
“Movie. I figured that the best way to acclimatise you to this brand spanking new world is to just so you what some scriptwriter in Applewood thinks romance is. I need to grab a nap, so I'll go in with you.”
>”Busy day of doing absolutely nothing, followed by a nap? Are you certain you aren't a house husband?”
“Shut it Nightlight.”
>You'd smack her in the back of the head, but that'd probably be grounds for losing that same hand. If not legally, certainly by Luna's own horn.
>She does, however, smack you with her magic with that comment. As you rub your jaw and mumble swears beneath your breath Luna leads the way.
>The wrong way, but, y'know, baby trots. You wait at least a minute, staying still, waiting to see how long it shall take her to notice you aren't following after her.
>She actually managed to turn the corner and head a good hundred metres away before teleporting back to you.
>”You are supposed to be following after us.”
“I figured we ought to go the correct way. But of course, I'm just a dumb stallion, I can't speak unless directly spoken to, so I patiently waited instead.”
>Luna actually growls, baring her teeth at you.
>”We will not tolerate such actions again.”
“I'm not sure who this 'we' is, Nightlight, I certainly tolerate them.”
>Her horn glows as she makes to smack you again with a bolt of energy, but you act first to simply grab her horn.
“No more of that. Alright, cool. First things first, smacking Stallions about isn't tolerated in public. You can do that at the castle where everyone worships the ground your sister walks on, but out here that's a big no-no.”
>”Let go. Of my Horn.”
“No. Second of all, I'm in charge. I know you're some big shot apocalyptic threat which if I piss off sufficiently is going to plunge the world into eternal, unceasing night. But I also know that your sister is scarier than you.”
>You start to chuckle as your hand is slowly encased in blue magic.
“I mean, you're so tiny.”
>”Enough.”
>You shake your head.
“Lastly. I actually know the directions, so, just for your own sake, follow me. We cool?”
>You lightened your grip on her horn. She, very, very begrudgingly, nods her head. And then you let go.
>And immediately you're thrown on your ass by a bolt of magic.
>”We will not be spoken too in...”
“We're going to miss the movie. You wouldn't want your sis to know why would you?”
>Honestly, it actually felt pathetic that you had to threaten her with tattling on her.
>Luna angrily stares at you, her horn glowing and sparking before she sighs and the light dies down.
>”Fine. However, you will desist in calling us... Nightlight. Call us by our real name, or be silent.”
“I'll compromise. If I come up with a better nickname than Nightlight, I'll call you that. But I'll run it by you first, Princess Moony.”
>”Our name is Luna. Princess of the Moon, the dreamwalker, she who moves the heavens, the first star and the last star, the bringer of Dusk...”
>You scramble back to your feet, rolling up your right sleeve to check your scraped elbow, then rolling back down as the Princess continues to rattle off her many, many self-aggrandising titles.
>”The last gasp of morning, the...”
“I get it, Luna. Is that okay? Or are you going to repeat yourself?”
>Luna takes a few, deep, calming breathes to control her temper. Very cute.
>”Luna... Is acceptable. When we are around others of a much higher station than yourself, however, you will refer to us by our title... Anonymous?”
>You notice her question at the end of that sentence.
>And realised she had half forgotten your name.
>You chuckle, shaking your head as you scratch at your elbow.
“Just call me Anon. Twilight called me Sheath, but we are not that close.”
>You start to walk in the other direction, Luna trailing behind you. You can hear her confusion before she even opens her mouth.
>”She... That word? Why would she call you by that?”
“Because I occasionally called her 'cunt'. Friends lightly insult each other at times.”
>”Lightly! Those are grossly inappropriate terms to refer to someone ostensibly your friend!”
“That's how people refer to one another these days. Close friends, I should stress, before you start calling me a faggot out of nowhere.”
>”Is not your name Faggot?”
>You scratch the back of your head awkwardly.
“Ugh... Technically, it's Aggot. I don't know, my parents' idea of a joke.”
>”Your entire existence is more than likely your parents' idea of a joke.”
>The quick joke was so deadpan, so sincere, that it takes you half a second just to recognise it.
>You blurt out in uproarious laughter, clutching your stomach, leaning against the wall of a building. Luna actually looks concerned that you were going to start throwing up, or that perhaps you were crying from the insult.
“Holy... Damn. Straight to the jugular.”
>You wipe a tear from your eye, still chuckling softly to yourself. You even see a ghost of a smile on the Pony princesses' face.
>”It is no less than you deserve.”
“Yeah, thanks.”
>The two of you walk down the street in awkward silence, the Alicorn Princess and world's only human drawing a number of stares.
>Walking past some of your favourite haunts in Canterlot, you figure you ought to explain them.
“That's Doughnut Joe's. Great place for cakes, iffy on the Doughnuts.”
>”What's a doughnut?”
“Sweet bakery thing, usually has jam in it, sometimes has icing on top. Occasionally has a hole in the centre.”
>”Sugar? Sold in a common store?”
“Was Sugar rare a thousand years ago?”
>”Quite so. Grown only on distant continents, only the richest Duchesses and higher might be able to afford to send ships to such shores to collect it.”
>Surprisingly, even to yourself, you actually give a shit.
“Huh. That over there is Mrs Teetotal Tea Rooms. Don't let the name fool you, Mrs Teetotal fell off the wagon about a decade ago and nowadays it's just a pub.”
>”What a sad story that wraps around to being quite ironic.”
“Thanks for explaining the joke. I wouldn't have gotten it otherwise.”
>”Sarcasm is most unbecoming of a Stallion. All that bitterness brings out wrinkles in them.”
“Sarcasm is roughly 40% of my vocabulary. If you were right, I'd be looking like god damn Palpatine at this point.”
>”We don't... I don't know what a 'god damn Palpatine' is?”
>You sigh to yourself, running a hand through your hair.
“Nevermind.”
>Finally, you arrive at the entrance to the movie theatre. It looked like one of those old, fifty styles cinemas, what with those enormous neon sign stretching up the building, the strange neo-renaissance pillars, and an honest to god little tiny ticket booth that you had to crouched down slightly to look into.
>The spotty teenaged mare within turns immediately to Luna and asks in a squeaky voice.
>”Hello, what will it be?”
>Luna pales at the question, utterly perplexed by how she is supposed to respond. Her ears folding back on her head.
>Pointedly, you cough.
>The little pony within the ticket booth finally looks up and almost gulps as you smile.
“Hey. Two for...”
>You look up at the enormous signs showing what's on.
“Lovers in love?” You ask incredulously.
>”That's its name?” Exclaims Luna.
>You turn to Luna
“I know, right? How lazy can you...”
>”You're tall,” The mare in the ticket booth squeaks out.
>You turn back to her.
“Yeah, I am. Anyway, two for that, and a bag of popcorn.”
>”What's popcorn?” Luna asks.
“You'll find out.”
>You don't take your eyes off the mare in the ticket booth as she shakingly takes the money from your hands then starts to make a bag of popcorn.
>Once she hands you the tickets and popcorn and you politely ignore the fact she had just sniffed your hands, you hand the bag to Luna for her to telekinetically hold and walk inside.
>”We assume that, as we could in our days, we can throw rotten produce at the actors should they put on a poor performance. Is that what this stuff is for?”
>Luna shakes the bag of popcorn.
“As tempting as that might be, no. There are no physical actors, they've recorded their performance, and they project it onto a screen.”
>”A screen... Can we throw this rotten produce at this screen?”
“Probably not. You're supposed to eat it.”
>”This does not look edible.”
“Why do you think I'm not eating any?”
>”Because you're supposed to be staying thin for your mare? We must say, that may be a losing battle.”
“You'd know all about losing battles, wouldn't you, Nightmare Moon?”
>You manage to turn around and catch the popcorn bag out of the air before it smacks you in the back of the head. Gently, you had it back to the wroth Princess of the Night.
>Unsurprisingly, Luna tries again. The two of you start to fight over the popcorn, you to force Luna to simply take it back, her to throw it at you. Individual kernels fall to the floor.
>Some of which Luna uses her magic on to launch at you. You only just manage to dodge some, which is just as well, as they were going fast enough to embed themselves in the plaster walls of the foyer.
>Both of you hear hoofsteps and you take the distraction to force the bag onto her horn, pinning it there. An usher appears from around the corner, as the two of you try to look as nonchalant as possible.
>The usher looks perplexed at the bag of Popcorn with Luna's horn poking through it, and gingerly you take the bag off and gently
hand it to Luna who, not wanting to be thrown out, takes it into her magical grip and smiles a strained smile. The usher shakes her head and gestures for the two of you to step forward.
“Two for... The film with the dumbest fucking name.”
>”Tickets?”
>You hand them over, feeling Luna's eyes on the back of your head. The usher looks at them, then to the two of you, then tears them and hands them back.
>Strangely, she doesn't take the popcorn from Luna.
>You start to power walk, well aware that once you were out of sight of the usher Luna would attempt to attack you again. She attempts to power gallop, but you've got longer legs than her, and can turn the corner out of the corridor to quickly run and hide somewhere in the seats. You crouch down behind a stallion and his herd.
>You watch as she scans the seats for you, glaring as she tries to find what you'd think would be pretty easy to find. Then, she starts to grow worried and afraid, confused, as she has no idea what she's doing.
>There's no actual usher to take her to her seat, no complimentary opera glasses or the like.
>And that gnawing sense of pity grows in your stomach.
“Goddammit.”
>You stand up and make your way back down the steps towards her. Luna spots you, and her previous expression of fear turns to a sadistic smile as her horn glows brighter. The bag of popcorn launches itself towards you.
>You snatch it out of the air, a few popcorn kernels smacking against you as they flew from the bag, but you continue to make your way towards the Princess of the Night. She starts to grow worried, taking a few trots back, but you hold up your free hand in what you hope she recognises as a gesture of surrender.
“Come on, let's grab a seat. These are yours, by the way.”
>You hand her back the back, and carefully, eyeing you suspiciously, she takes it back.
>You pat her on the back, which of course immediately draws a growl from her. None the less, she still follows you up the steps towards the back of the cinema.
>Eventually the two of you find a seat right at the back and in the middle of the row of seats. As you sit down, you turn to Luna.
“Right, I'm going to grab some sleep. If I start snoring, kick me in the chest... Actually, knowing you you'd take that as the chance to kill me. So just... Nudge me a bit.”
>Luna nods, turning to watch as the adverts finally began to play. You hope Ponies develop coloured movies soon, but it wasn't like you were actually going to watch the movie, so it wasn't your problem. As least they had sound.
“Hey. Before I nod off, sorry for calling you Nightmare Moon.”
>Luna nods, as if she had expected such a response. Your eyes begin to close before she unexpectedly speaks up.
>”We are sorry for throwing popcorn at you.”
“Don't worry about it.”
>As you close your eyes, you can hear the low hum of her magic as she reaches into the bag and draws a single kernel. She takes a bite, a few delicate chews, then pauses in complete silence.
>”You're right; these are supposed to be eaten.”
>You chuckle lowly before you start to drift off to sleep.

~#~

>You're shaken from your nap by something poking you in the gut. Wearily, you open your eyes, most of your vision dominated by blue.
>Absent mindedly, you chew on something, only to taste hair in your mouth. Quietly, you spit it out as you move your head up, stretching your arms slightly.
>Much to your contention, the film is still going.
>You turn to your left, towards Luna.
“What?”
>”We need to ask you something.”
>You sigh, rubbing your eyes clear.
“Was I just chewing on your mane?”
>”How is it that this stallion is unmarried in his twenties?”
“Huh?”
>You turn to the screen, watching as some Stallion with honestly, and you have to give him credit here, the best beard you've seen on a pony, stares off into the sunset.
“I guess he hasn't found someone he loves yet. I don't know, I haven't been paying attention.”
>”But surely his mother would have married him off to a mare once he was fourteen and able to father children?”
“Fourteen?” You whisper incredulously. “God no. Also, his mother doesn't select who he marries; he does.”
>”But... That's years of fatherhood wasted.”
“Yeah, but he wouldn't be an adult.”
>”What?”
“I guess that was different in your time. Adulthood is generally considered to be eighteen nowadays.”
>”Alright. But surely some mare eager for children would have drawn up a marriage contract with his mother and secured her legacy. Why is he unmarried? Has he ran away from home?”
“Again, I've not been watching the movie, but... Arranged marriages aren't really a thing any more, at least in Equestria.”
>”So... He can decide who to marry?”
“Yes.”
>”... And he's acting as if he has to choose between these two mares. Why would he not simply take both?”
>You chuckle despite yourself.
“I mean, good question. But some ponies are monogamous and only get into relationships with a single pony. I guess this character is, or whatever.”
>”That's despicable. There is only one stallion per seven mares, it's grossly irresponsible to deny six other potential mares children out of selfishness.”
“Actually, Twilight told me the ratio is closer to one to three nowadays. Damn, it was one in seven back then?”
>”One in seven. What he is doing is cruel and socially harmful.”
“Well, I mean, it's his choice, right?”
>”One's personal choice should not come at the cost of harming six other ponies.”
“Asking someone to be the husband of a person they don't even love for the sake of society is cruel.”
>”Person? Your world view is twisted from whatever hell hole you came from, we speak of Equestria.”
“Wasn't that bad. And I don't know, I think people should be allowed to make their own decisions.”
>”Not if it comes at the cost of harming so many others.”
“Is it really harming someone to say 'Nah, I don't want to fuck you'?”
>Luna glares at you, probably at your language. You simply shrug in return.
>”Firstly, control your language. Secondly, yes.”
“Whatever. Look, let me go back to sleep and...”
>”Furthermore, this stallion, having rejected his duty in marrying, instead decides to work as a florist. He is taking away a Mare's livelihood out of selfishness when all he needs to do is stay in the home and be a father for some foals.”
>You roll your eyes, clearly not going to be allowed to go to sleep for a bit.
“Some stallions want to do other things than be fathers.”
>”But that's their purpose.”
“Does every Stallion have a fatherhood cutie mark?”
>Luna actually pauses.
>”We... I suppose not. But none the less, that is the role life has picked for them. They may have hobbies, but...”
>The stallion with his three... Wives, I guess, turn around and shush you.
>”We're trying to watch the movie,” He stage whispers.
“Turn around pal, unless you want to see stars that aren't on the screen.”
>Bitterly, he does so.
>”We were going to say something along those lines.”
>You chuckle.
“Probably shouldn't threaten to beat up a stallion. Just a heads up.”
>”Anyway, it is clearly this stallion is grossly selfish and unworthy of either of these fine mares' love. He should study to be a proper Stallion and learn to be more respectful of...”
“Fucking hell, he's just a guy trying to make a living. He's just waiting for somepony he actually loves before committing his life to her. You're acting like he's stringing the two of them along and... Well, I haven't been watching the movie.”
>”But he has been. A mare has shown interest in him, she can afford to look after him and any children they may have, what else is there?”
“Love? A genuine human... Pony connection.”
>”One can learn to love their wife.”
“Or, grow to hate them as they find themselves tied down to a mare they hardly know looking after kids they never wanted. That's hardly an environment to bring up foals in.”
>”... He may marry another that he loves.”
“Or, he can find that pony first. Or, hell, only marry her. Hell, he could even stay single for the rest of his life.”
>Noticing the way Luna honest to god twitched when you said those words, that probably hadn't been a smart thing to say.
>”Excuse us?”.
“Yeah. I mean, he doesn't actually have to marry or even have kids with anyone.”
>”You're merely suggesting that because that is your current predicament, and because you're of a different species. Otherwise, surely you would understand that is not an option.”
“Nah. Hey, he might even be gay.”
>”If he were a Colt Cuddler, he would still be duty-bound to marry some mares and father children despite his... Peculiarities.”
>Your eyes boggle at her incredibly PC language.
“Don't... You really shouldn't say shit like that in public, just FYI.”
>”FYI? Also, what? That's been the case for hundreds of years before I was even born.”
“FYI is short for “For your information”. Also, times change.”
>Luna actually shakes her head, before staring intently at the screen. You watch her for about a minute before saying.
“So, can I go back to sleep?”
>”No. We may yet require you to explain why this whore of a Stallion is not being dragged through the streets for being a danger to society.”
>You roll your eyes, stretch your arms, and lean back in your seat.
“Whatever.”
>And sure enough, the questions kept coming.
>”He has kissed her, why has he not yet married her? Does he wish to be known as a slattern?”
>”Why is he agonising other which to choose? Both are more than likely willing to marry him?”
>”Boots and socks? Outside? How on Earth might he be seen in public in such shameful clothing?”
“You've actually got me there; I still draw stares because I wear shoes and socks.”
>Luna turns to you, utterly shocked.
>”What?”
>You turn away from the screen back to her, confused at her own confusion.
“Umm... Yeah.”
>You lift up your legs to place your feet and shoes on the chairs in front of you.
“You didn't think these were my actual feet did you?”
>Luna pales, mumbling
incoherently.
“Holy shit you did!”
>You start to giggle to yourself.
>”Shhh!” That same stallion says.
“Don't make me come down there and show you the back of my hand, mate.”
>”You're...”
>You turn back to her.
“Yeah? I don't have hooves, so walking on with bare feet would destroy them. And shoes are uncomfortable, so I wear socks.”
>”You're... You're a slattern!”
>”Shh!”
>This time, you actually join in on shushing Luna, mostly because that was funny.
>And incredibly, Luna does actually stay quiet, whispering to you to say.
>”You dress in such provocative clothing, outside and in public? Is that it? Was my sister's idea of rehabilitation to set me up with a whore?”
>You burst out laughing, holding a hand over your mouth and glaring at the stallion a few rows down before he can shush you.
“Alright. First of all, I haven't had sex in the four years since I came here. So, slattern and whore are just a bit inaccurate, thank you very much.”
>Luna opens her mouth, and you clasp your hand over it before she can. Her ears fold back against her head.
“Secondly, as I said, I actually need shoes and socks to walk outside comfortably.”
>”We suppose those... By Above, that isn't your skin is it?”
>You look down to where she was looking, staring at your plain white t-shirt and black trousers.
“Uh, no. Those are my clothes. I don't have as much fur as you little ponies, so to stay warm I wear clothing.”
>”By Above.”
>You smugly grin as you lean in to whisper into Luna's ear.
“I'm even wearing underwear.”
>Luna's wings unfurl quite suddenly, and without warning she shoots away from you, flying down a few rows, panicked, before sitting down.
>You laugh to yourself, notice the half-empty bag of popcorn beneath her seat. Picking it up, furling up the bag so it wouldn't spill, you throw it at her face as she glares at you.
“Forgot something, you dumb horse!”
>As she turns back to the screen, her face flush red, you lean back in the chin with a wry smile and close your eyes, taking the opportunity to go back to sleep.
~#~

>Once again, a nudge to your side wakes you up.
>You slowly open your eyes, yawning as you sit up. You see that the pony poking you is Luna. Giving the sharpness of the jab, she had used her horn rather than her hoof.
>”The theatrical performance is over, it is time to leave.”
“Surprised you woke me up.”
>”We would have left you here, but we know not the way out, nor back to the castle.”
“Yeah yeah.”
>You groan as you stretch your arms, only just now noticing the popcorn dumped onto your chest.
“When did this happen?”
>Luna grins.
>”Shortly after we had confirmed you had indeed gone to sleep.”
>You grumble as you stand up and wipe the popcorn off you, feeling very sorry for the janitor who would have to clean this up afterwards.
“Aren't you old people constantly bitching about how you can't waste food?”
>”Justice is never a waste.”
>Luna shuffles back as you walk out of the row of seats and trots by your side as you walk down the steps, trying to ignore the angry looks the cinema workers were shooting both of your ways.
“Did you enjoy the film?”
>”No.”
“Fair enough.”
>”We did enjoy the popcorn, but we believe that sacrifices must be made in the pursuit of justice.”
“That's nice. What didn't you like about the film?”
>The two of you leave the screen itself and head down the dark staircase back towards the street entrance.
>”He chose the wrong mare. He chose the bookish girl he had known from childhood as opposed to the dark, mysterious mare. Most unrealistic.”
“Uh-huh.”
>”Your ability to feign even the slightest bit of interest is, truly, incredible.”
>You push open the door to the street, the orange rays of sunset lighting up the dark stairwell. You turn back to Luna.
“Do you wanna grab a drink before we head back to the castle?”
>You study her face as she seems to realise what you have asked her.
>”A drink? Are you allowed?”
“Princess, men and stallions both are allowed to drink in public places nowadays.”
>”You recognise that we might not know that?”
“Yep.”
>”Do you not simply wish to drop me... Us off at the castle?”
“Ehhh. On the one hand, yes, absolutely. On the other, the more I cram into a single day, the sooner we can end this rehabilitation nonsense. So, yeah, drink?”
>Luna seems to chew on the offer. She raises a single delicate eyebrow.
>”Where?”
“Depends. Do you want to grab something to eat?”
>”Canterlot castle has the finest chefs in all of Equestria. Each one a master of their particular craft.”
“I know, I ate there whenever Twilight did for the first few months after I arrived here. But people don't always want to eat the best.”
>”We can see that just by looking at you.”
“You're the one who ate... Half a bag of popcorn.”
>”You're the one who wore it.”
“Cunt.”
>Luna's brow furrows as her horn glows and her wings unfurl.
>”You dare refer to your Princess by such a foul...”
>You roll your eyes as you raise your hands up in mock surrender.
“Right, right. Force of habit. Sorry.”
>Luna starts to calm down, blowing her mane out of her face as she does so.
>”Your apology, however insincere, is accepted. As for your original question... I suppose I do wish to eat something that isn't popped corn.”
>You smile as you hold the door open for her. She winces at the gesture, much to your own amusement.
“I know just the place. If you can, cast a spell to hide those wings. We're going as incognito as I reasonably can.”