How I Got Cucked by Jesus

the story starts like all good stories, with our hero waking up
at fucking 7:30am. im not a morning person, so this is already bullshit
my mom says i have to be at their house by 8, so i dont even have time to do anything other than brush my teeth before i drive over there
now, for context, let me explain what stage i left the HOLP at: i was meant to go to a breakfast for my little sister getting some form of "award". that was all i knew
so anyway, i get to my parents house at 8, where i find out we have to be at the church (first red flag) at 9. and nobody was even ready
even though i was being rushed to get there
we leave at 8:50 and get there on time... but to our surprise, we were instructed to sit through mass
fucking church ass mass
and that the breakfast would be afterwards at 10
so, these madmen actually do it
im already pissed because im surrounded by cro-magnons that go to church every sunday
could tell nobody there was a high IQ rick and morty viewer such as myself
the kicker was that the mass was entirely in spanish
so i couldnt even understand what the fuck anyone was saying
anyway, the mass ended after a little over an hour, and THEN it was finally time for breakfast
also part of setting the HOLP that i forgot to mention: i spent an A press ($10) to get my ticket to go this thing. this wasn't even free
so i figure, after spanish church and $10, this better be a BOMB ass breakfast
there better be terrorists flying planes into the building for how bomb this breakfast is
the quantity of the bombs should be so great that ing would be able to perform an ingslide off my breakfast
well, after everyone gets in, i find out that the breakfast is a mother-daughter breakfast
my dad and i were the only men in the entire room
and, you would probably expect some sort of everyone-help-themselves buffet style breakfast or something
but someone just handed everyone a plate of breakfast
this shit looked like i wandered into denny's at 3am and said "just fuck my shit up fam" and the barber/waiter said "say no more"
it was literal prison food. if someone outside the basketball court (did i mention we were eating in some dingy "back building" to the church?) walked by, they'd probably ask "what are you in for?" because god we're talking prison food here
let me show you the eggs
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/142482744704892929/374252959065964544/1029171050_HDR.jpg
it was just eggs, little potatos, sausages, and a really hard roll
basically only the potatos were edible
anyway, after way too long it was finally time for the awards
my little sister stood up as they read a bio on extracurricular stuff she did and they gave her a medal
the exact same style medal i got when i went to high school and got on the honor roll
in fact, somehow this whole thing was a worse version of the "honors breakfast" when i went to school
but that was that. somehow the awards section was the shortest part of this whole mess
but the worst was yet to come
some lady was a guest speaker there (let me remind you again this was a mother-daughter breakfast and i had no reason to even be here)
she opens with "i'm gonna keep this brief, i know you all have the rest of your day you want to get back to"
she gives a speech for over 30 fucking minutes, completely unscripted
a PROLIFE SPEECH
the entire speech was about anti-abortion
the whole time i was awake today i could only think
what did i do in my life to deserve this
was  i a bad person in a previous timeline?
during the abortion speech there were some moments i wish i were aborted
then i wouldve never had to deal with this shit
oh, and the $10 ticket i bought? turns out that was for a fucking raffle, not the breakfast or anything
we were finally able to leave at 12:20, making that a way too long experience
the end
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/142482744704892929/374255033203818496/1029171153_HDR.jpg
bonus image