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Transcript of Console Wars
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Atari 2600: I'm Atari. While I'm getting my ass handed to me by all of these newer systems, my legacy will live on.

(NES enters)

NES: Hi! I'm Nintendo! And I kick ass!

(Atari 2600 disappears and Sega Master System enters)

SMS: Move over, Nintendo! I'm the Sega Master System, and you're going down!

NES: Um, no. I got Mario. I got Zelda. You just suck balls!

SMS: Oh...well, wait 'til my big brother comes to rip your asshole inside out.

(Sega Genesis enters and Sega Master System exits)

Genesis: Look at me, I'm the Sega Genesis! What are you, still stuck with those 8-bit graphics?! I'm 16-bit! You can't do this on Nintendo. Genesis does what Nintendon't.

NES: So, are you saying that being 16-bit automatically makes you twice as good?

Genesis: Well...yeah.

NES: Who has the better games?! I do, you dumb bitch!

Genesis: Well, let me introduce Sonic the Hedgehog! He runs really fast and he's a lot more badass than that dickhead Mario.

NES: Gee...well, that is pretty cool, but why don't you meet my big brother?!

(NES disappears, and SNES enters)

SNES: I'm the Super Nintendo! I'm 16-bit too, so go fuck your facehole through your ass, you dick!

Genesis: Oh...well...I have...blast...processing.

SNES: Okay. And what is that?

Genesis: It's...i-it's blast processing.

SNES: Oh, okay. Whatever.

(Sega CD is planted on the side of the Genesis)

SNES: What is that?!

Genesis: This is the Sega CD, motherfucker!

SNES: And it uses CDs?

Genesis: Damn straight! What, are you still using cartridges? Get with the times!

SNES: Oh gee. I guess you got me there. How are the games?

Genesis: Well...

SNES: They suck, right?

(Atari Jaguar enters)

Jaguar: RAAAAH! You thought you heard the last from Atari, you puny fools?! I'm the Atari Jaguar, and I'm 64-bit!

SNES: (to Jaguar) You ain't 64-bit. Get the fuck out of here.

(Atari Jaguar exits)

SNES: (to Genesis) Now back to you, Sega shithead. What, do you think that CD thing on your side is gonna be your saving grace?

Genesis: Um...no. This is!

(Sega 32x is planted on the cartridge slot)

SNES: What the fuck is that?!

Genesis: 32X, motherfucker!

SNES: Awesome! Got any good games?

Genesis: Um...Doom!

SNES: Well, why's the sound suck, and why's half the levels missing?

Genesis: What are you saying?

SNES: I'm saying, "Why's my version of Doom better than yours?!"

Genesis: Um...I'm 32-bit!

SNES: 32-bit my ass! What's wrong with you?! You say CDs are the next big thing, but then you go back to cartridges?! You say you're more powerful than me, but then, why do you need all these extra addons?! What are you going to do next?! Add something else on top?!

Genesis: Um...yeah!

(Sega 32X is planted on top of the Sega 32x cartridge slot, which is planted on the Sega Genesis cartridge slot)

SNES: Okay. Go ahead! Keep stacking shit on top! You've already needed like three fucking power adapters to run that colossal mess you've created! Look at you! You're a fucking disaster! Why don't you just make a completely new system?!

Genesis: Fine! I will! Sega Neptune!

SNES: Really? Well, aren't you coming out with the Sega Saturn?!

Genesis: Yeah! We're hurrying it along!

SNES: And what about the Neptune?

Genesis: Oh, that? It's cancelled.

SNES: Too many systems, huh?

Genesis: Um...fuck you.

SNES: Fuck you! Try making some games next time!

Genesis: Well, where's your next system?

SNES: It's coming. It's been in the works for a while. See, we take our time with these things.

(Genesis disappears and enters a special effect Sega Saturn because James Rolfe didn't own a Saturn yet. There's also a note saying: "I Don't own a Saturn")

Saturn: Saturn is here, and you're going down.

SNES: Well, my time has passed. But, get ready to get your ass kicked!

(SNES exits, and N64 enters)

N64: I'm the N64. Get N, or Get Out!

(scene shows AVGN; played by James Rolfe of course)

The Nerd: So, whatever. I could keep going on and on, but you get the point. I just wanted to reenact with the video game wars that took place with Sega and Nintendo being the prime competitors. Now, (shows the Dreamcast to the audience) Sega eventually got it right with the Dreamcast. It was a pretty good system, but (puts the Dreamcast down) when Microsoft and Sony entered the competition, things got a little heavy, and uh, well, somebody had to go, and...now Sega's making games on Nintendo, which is crazy to think, back then, Mario and Sonic were the biggest enemies. Nobody would ever imagine that there would be a Sonic game on a Nintendo system. So, who won that battle, huh? All that talk about blast processing and "Genesis Does"...just bunch of bullshit. So, this was what was going on when I was growing up. Now there's a lot of younger gamers out there, who are growing up now, as we enter a new video game war. Um, you know, to think, it's pretty interesting. So, who's gonna win? Is it gonna be Nintendo again, or is it gonna be, um, Microsoft? Or is it going to be Sony? Well, I like the XBOX, and I like the Playstation. I like them all, but I'm just saying that I'm rooting for (grabs his bottle of Rolling Rock from nowhere) my champion Nintendo. So raise your Rolling Rock, or whatever you got, and here's...to the Wii. (drinks his bottle of Rolling Rock)

~~~~~~

Transcript of 2006 AVGN episode Rocky
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("Gonna Fly Now" playing)

​The Nerd: Right now, it's December 2006, and Rocky VI is coming out. Will it be any good? Well, by the time you see this video, you'll know whether or not. Or, fuck that, it's gonna be great. It's fucking Rocky. There hasn't been a Rocky movie in, like, 16 years. I'm so psyched that I have all five Rocky movies playing in my house at the same time.

The Nerd: This is my projector. It's playing Rocky up on the wall there. And on that '80s TV, I got Rocky II going on. Here in the bedroom, you see Rocky III playing. Out in the living room, there's Rocky IV. And check out the computer. There’s Rocky V.

(camera shows all the TVs and computers in his house.)

The Nerd: Now, there's one extra TV there with a Sega Master System. Hmmm.

(examines the game's box)

The Nerd: "Twice the Mega Power"? What's Mega Power, and how could you have twice as much of it?

(The Nerd puts the game in the Sega Master System and turns on the system.)

​The Nerd: The title screen shows a nice colorful display for 8-bit graphics, though I would have preferred a traditional black-and-white side scrolling title, like in the movies. But more importantly, listen to the music.

(the game's title theme plays)

The Nerd: Does it sound anything like the Rocky theme, or any of the music from any of the movies at all?

Rocky Balboa: That, well, that ain't right. This whole thing ain't right, you know?

The Nerd: Well, the graphics are great for its time, but I wonder why Rocky's training in shorts? Not to mention why Apollo's shorts. That didn't happen 'til the third movie. But anyway, this is the training stage, and you just keep tapping the buttons. I really don't know if there's any technique, but you just keep tapping the buttons. Well, this is boring, don't you think? Fuck. Cock-a-fucking-doodle-ass-shit-sucking-ball-fuck, this is fucking boring.

The Nerd: Okay, here we go. We're fighting Apollo. Graphics look great, they're in the proper colored shorts, the ring, the audience, everything looks good, for 8-bit, of course. But I can't say the same for the gameplay. All you do is tap buttons. There's a few different kinds of punches you can execute, like the hook, the straight punch, or an upper cut. And I have the manual, which tells me keeping your distance, hitting up and 2 does the straight punch. Down and 2 does a hook, and standing close, uh, the 2 button alone, or up and 2 does an upper cut. Now, I find that none of that works. So, I just tap buttons. Primarily the 2 button. The other one blocks. And besides the mere simplicity of it, it's just unpredictable as when you're gonna hit or get hit.

​The Nerd: The control just sucks shit balls. The worst thing about it is how you move. Unlike traditional controls where you push left, you go left, and if you push right, you go right, Rocky just weaves back and forth on his own. It doesn't make any sense at all. Is there any way to control this? Like, how does it work? I want to know!

Mickey Goldmill: You don't want to know.

The Nerd: Yeah, I want to know!

Mickey Goldmill: Ya want to know?

The Nerd: YEAH, I WANT TO FUCKIN' KNOW!!!

(He reads the instructions, the part he reads scrolls up the screen. Rocky and Apollo fight against each other in the background.)

"To move your player about the ring does not really require any specific buttons for execution. It requires the right situation because your player will be prohibited from moving unless you satisfy these conditions. If you're on the offense and attack freely, your player will move according to the direction of your blows and can be guided to the left/right or forward/backward with your D-button. If you are on the defense, your player will not move in the direction you want until you can guard yourself effectively (Button 1). And then, you must start dealing blows to be in control of your footwork as mentioned above."

So, did you get that? Well, let me sum it up: IT STINKS.

Rocky Balboa: THAT'S RIGHT, IT STINKS!

The Nerd: It's a bunch of putrid anal shit coming out of a rhinoceros’s asshole. It fucks up the ass, shits out the mouth, piss out the nose, dookie out the ear, diarrhea out the dick, shits for the birds. The control in this game... is poo-poo.

The Nerd: Alright, I knocked Apollo down, he starts humping the floor, then he gets back up. He's as easy as crap as long as you just keep tapping the buttons. Knock him down; he humps the floor, gets back up. The repetitive nature of this game is astounding. How many times can he get back up? It's embarrassing. There's no 3-knockdown rule in effect, there's no Mario to come and say "TKO," even though a technical knockout can occur in this game. It takes forever to happen, so it just goes on and on and on.

The Nerd: This is just a button-masher game. I'm just tapping the buttons, I'm not even looking at the game, and what's the difference? I knocked him down, too. I'm dead serious. I'm dead fucking serious.

The Nerd: Eventually, he'll stay down, and you win. Then, you get another training stage. Just wonderful. Is there any point to this? Yeah, I know it's supposed to make me stronger during the fight, but fuck it! I don't feel like tapping the buttons. It's only going make my fingers more tired, and then I'll end up losing the fight, anyway. I'd rather just wait instead. (later) Fuck it.

The Nerd: Alright, well, there's no rematch with Apollo like in the movie, so you just go straight to Clubber Lang. (Clubber Lang repeatedly punches Rocky) Wait! What's this? He's kicking my ass! Or he's punching my face, whatever! Unlike Apollo, Clubber Lang will just rip your asshole inside out. Fuck! God-damn! He's a tough son-of-a-bitch-fucker! Get up! Get up, you floor-fucking dickhead! Stop humping the floor! How does a game go from being so easy to so fucking hard?

The Nerd: Let's try again. This time, no fucking around. Gotta do good on those training stages. Gotta get strong.

Mickey Goldmill: We need... greasy fast speed!

The Nerd: I just gotta keep tapping those buttons 'til I break my thumb.

Rocky Balboa: I should've broke your thumb!

(Shots of the Nerd tapping buttons, fighting, with movie shots and swearing added occasionally.)

The Nerd: FUUUUUUCK! FUCK! DAMN! FUCK! BITCH! FUCK! SHIT! ASS! DIIIIIIIIIIIIE!

(video zooms in on Clubber Lang's laughing sprite)

The Nerd: I can't beat him. That's it. It's a short game anyway. There's only three opponents. Looking at the manual, I can see that Ivan Drago is the next and final guy that you fight, but I'm not going to try to torture myself to get that far.

The Nerd: This game is ass. I'd rather take a bath in elephant feces. I'd rather... eat raw eggs. But to be perfectly fair, this was a pretty good game for its time, I guess. It hasn't aged well at all. It's no Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!, but hey, it's Rocky, and it can't be as bad as the pinball game.

(Cut to movie scene in "Rocky III" where the pinball machine is destroyed.)

The Nerd: It's been about 20 years since this game came out, and it's also been about 20 years since Rocky Balboa last fought in the ring. I can't wait to see Rocky VI. And that's right. I said Rocky VI, not Rocky Balboa. So, anyway, don't play the game, but go see the movie. It can't be this bad.

Mickey Goldmill: It's a waste of life!

The Nerd: It's like... a waste of life.

Mickey Goldmill: I said that before, ya dumb dago!

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Transcripts of 2006 Angry Video Game Nerd episodes Transcripts

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Transcript of AVGN Episode Nintendo Power
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(There is a lot of magazines lying around the floor and all of a sudden, the Nerd surprisingly appears like a screamer)

The Nerd: ASS!!!

(The Angry Video Game Nerd Theme Song)

(Shots of Kyle Justin, his guitar, and the Nerd reading Nintendo Power)

Kyle Justin: ♪ Get the power. Nintendo Power. Get the clues that you can use. Nintendo Power. Higher and higher. Fighting your way through enemy fire! ♪

(The Nerd eats magazine and blows up Earth and Milky Way.)

The Nerd: It's time to chill out. Nah, don't worry. I'm not going mellow on you or anything like that. And, next time, it's gonna be a game review again. But for now, I just want to take you back to one of the most important parts of my childhood: Nintendo Power. You know, today, there's Internet. Anything you want to know about any game, you just look it up. But, back then, your only source of information was magazines, like Nintendo Power. If you had a subscription, you were the man! One of your friends would be breaking their balls to beat some game and you'll be like, "Oh, I know how to beat that game.", or, "I know a code." That's because you had the power. Nintendo Power, motherfucker!

When it landed in my mailbox, Issue 1 was the most mind-blowing thing I've ever seen. Just opening up a page to a map of Metroid, it was so helpful. That game made you feel like a rat in a maze! Then, there was this Super Mario Bros. unlimited 1-up trick, the famous Contra code that gets you 30 extra lives, and how to skip to Zelda's Second Quest. All in this groundbreaking issue, from front cover to back, it is absolute classic.

One thing that used to piss me off was the NES Achievers section. It's just a bunch of nerds showing off their high scores. But, how do you prove it? You have to take a photo of your screen. And, nobody really knew how to do that. Remember, there were no digital cameras back then, so you take the picture of your screen, you have no fucking clue what it looks like. And, there could be like 20 other pictures on the roll, so, you either have to, like, waste them all or wait until it gets finished. You get your mom or dad to take it to the store to get the picture developed, it comes back, and what does it look like? It looks like fucking shit! So, Nintendo Power printed out some guideline that's basically saying, "Look, dumb shits. This is how you're supposed to do it." And, if my game said "Cheese!", I'd think I'd shit my pants. And, if I was wearing that, I'd have problems.

Nothin' brings back memories like breezing through an issue of Nintendo Power. Remember when the Nintendo 64 was the Nintendo Ultra 64? Remember when the piece-of-shit Virtual Boy was called the VR32? Remember the NES Satellite, or the SNES Catapult? Remember Star Fox 2, the game that never saw the light of day? Remember readin' all about the new shows coming out like Captain N and the Super Mario Bros. Super Show? 'Member that shitty movie The Wizard and that fuckin' dumbass Super Mario Bros. movie? Man, I remember readin' about that and being so excited, I couldn't wait to see that movie! But it was just like waiting for a buffalo to take a shit all over your face. (Raspberry)

Another thing powerful about this magazine was the power to know what games were coming out. But only if we could read between the lines, we could know how shitty they'd be. This one says, "In-depth playing tips on the horrifying sequel to Castlevania." This one says Back to the Future has that distinctive LJN style and an interesting "timer." Wow, they knew it was bad.

Another classic section was the Top 30 in which they'd list the most popular Nintendo games. I don't know what Ninja Turtles was doing at number 1 for so damn long. But anyway, it was only NES for a while, but then, they started doing the Top SNES and Game Boy games. They even had a Top 5 for Virtual Boy. That's just hilarious because that's almost the whole library of games for that fucking piece of shit!

The covers were always exciting to look forward to. This one gave kids nightmares and parents complained. I thought it was awesome. And, I never noticed that face in the background until today. This one's cool because it's an owl and owls are cool. But, this one really sucks. Why's it all gray? I mean, what the fuck kind of cover is this? (Flips open the grey dust jacket to find the real cover page) Oh. Well, what the fuck?

The illustrations were awesome, too. Even if I didn't have the game, it was fun just looking at the pictures. Here's a page of Clash at Demonhead. Just a nice page, everything's fine, but then, there's something that bothered me. What's this? He's flipping the bird, he's giving the finger, and I'm not making this up! Oh, this one's kind of intimidating. I mean, what's Dracula's problem? (Tries to do Dracula's impression while the "Castlevania II: Simon's Quest" nighttime music plays)

Speaking of illustrations, there were also the comics. Howard & Nester were classic. Usually, they relate to a new game that was coming out, like this one's about Castlevania II. It even makes mention of that weird tornado thing. There's also a Tetris comic, Battletoads, Zelda, Mario, Star Fox, Metroid, Shadows of the Empire, and Killer Instinct.

The ads were kinda weird. This kid better be careful not to get those games wet. Actually, those games suck ass. Throw them to the sharks. Wow, there you go, huddle around the phone. Charge your parents' phone bill up the ass. "Unmask the power animal in you!" Uh-oh, here we go. "And radicalize your game with a subscription to Nintendo Power!" Holy shit! Will it make me grow claws like that? You know it's gotta be awesome when you're flying a Jeep through space going apeshit with Nintendo controllers. This one's so weird; somebody actually wrote a letter asking, "Did you really freeze a Super Nintendo? I'd love to know." The answer: "Ah, Jay, the wonders of special effects and photographic tricks! The answer that you're looking for is 'No.' The block of ice is actually just a plastic shell. It's way cool though, huh?"

As Nintendo Power progressed, the ads went from being weird to just being fucking disgusting. Why the Hell is there a jar of toenail clippings in a video game magazine? What were they thinking? Now, here's the worst one yet. It's some old creepy bitch holding a log of shit. Goddamn. One ad was so gross, I stapled the page shut. I'm actually not joking. Then, this one just shows a hurl bag. Yeah, that's great. That just sums up how I feel about the whole situation. Nintendo Power! Don't open unless you've got a barf bag! (The Nerd skims through the Nintendo Power magazine, then pretends to vomit inside of his "barf bag," which is actually a McDonald's Happy Meal to-go bag.)

Each issue always came with a poster. As you can see, I still have them on my walls. But, each one represents frustration. Getting these things out without ripping the fuck out of the poster is just a real shitsucker. (accidentally rips poster) Aw, fuck! Aw, shit. (accidentally rips poster) Fuck. Eventually, they started putting staples in the posters. (rips poster) FUCK! (tries getting the staple out of the poster but accidentally rips the poster) Piece of shit!

Besides the posters, there's a lot of stupid shit like this Donkey Kong iron-on t-shirt. (The Nerd tries to iron it on, but with no success.) This... weird scratch-n'-sniff EarthBound thing. (He scratches, then sniffs.) AUUUGGGHHH!!! IT STINKS! Then, there's also these cards in the back. I mean, what's the point? Star Fox looks fucking pissed. Speaking of Star Fox, there's also this fighter jet cut-out model. (He cuts the pieces out, but doesn't know how to put it together.) Then, there's these magic eye pictures. You're supposed to stare at this thing and see Mario or something. I don't see shit.

There's also a contest in every issue. Grand prizes would include a sneak showing of the Ninja Turtles movie, a chance to meet Arnold Schwarzenegger, to win Bill & Ted's phone booth, to win a Street Fighter II arcade machine, to dig up dinosaurs, or to be an extra in The Mask II. The Mask II? (sarcastically) Oh, that's a great prize! (normally) That movie never got fucking made, unless you count Son of the Mask, but that wasn't until about 10 years later. And, did they give the winner a rain check for that: to be in a movie with a computer-generated baby or any of the other sequels to Jim Carrey movies that don't have Jim Carrey?

And then, there's this prize. It's just plain weird. "Have you ever dreamed of yourself in a tropical paradise, surrounded by sea and sand, a volcano rising at your back-" Well, not if it's erupting, like in the picture! It's tropical, dude! Here's the sun. I really don't see the sun. That’s fun- oh, so, that's where the fun is? Right there? Surf? Uh, okay. You? You're right there? Okay. Sand? Well, that is definitely sand. And trees? Uh, yep. There are trees all over the place.

There was also a contest to design enemies for future Mega Man games. Some of the entries included Balloon Man, Sun Man, Yo-Yo Man, Spring Man, Magic Man, Clock Man, Whip Man, Spook Man, and Clown Man. The only two female characters were Mega Woman and Mega Girl. Then there's Weaseletta and Terror Teddy. What the fuck?

Nintendo Power was great, but as it went on, they made some dumb decisions. It was nice when the spines were all numbered, so I can easily organize all the issues, but then, what the fuck? That's so inconvenient, and, some of them didn't even have the number on the front cover. You had to open it and find out. Then, they came back to their senses and brought the spines back. With a picture of Mario. Way to go. Above and beyond.

So, let's read some letters. Here, somebody asks, “Do your Nintendo tapes really last five years? Does it matter if you set them on chairs or if you put the controllers on the floor?" Heh. Here, somebody sent in their recipe for Mike Tyson's punch. Oh, that's funny. Oh, and, oh, my God! Here we go! We got a Zelda rap. (rapping with the rap music) It's the Legend of Zelda and it's really bad, the creatures in the game are really rad. This sounds familiar. Alright, now we've got some Mario jokes. "Why did Mario cross the road? Because he couldn't find a warp zone." "What kind of fish would dare to attack Mario? A Barakoopa." "How does Mario know what will happen in the future? He uses a Luigi board." Aw. Alright, now, we got some Zelda jokes. "How did Link win the basketball game for his team? He used his Hookshot." "What did Zelda tell Link when he couldn't unlock the door? Triforce." "What did Link say to Ganon when he captured Zelda? Leever alone!" Okay, here's a really weird one. "If Mario Paint has 41,664 dots available <judging from page 112 of the Mario Paint Player's Guide>, and 15 different colors to choose from, then did you know that there are a total of 1,978,857,121,979,410,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 different possible images to create on a single page? That's a lot, eh? Just thought I'd tell you." "Uh, thanks, Ian. That's certainly some useful information."

Now, we got some complaints. "The game I purchased that was completely different than I expected was Rambo for the NES. I saw him firing a machine gun on the package and it looked really cool, so I bought it. When I got home, I started to play the game. It was boring. All you could do was walk around and fight with a knife. The only enemies I met were spiders, gorillas, bugs, et cetera." Tell me about it. We'll get to that one sometime. Oh, oh, here we go. "I once bought a game from a friend called Fester's Quest. I was expecting a great game after reading about it in Nintendo Power. But, even with the magazine at my side, it took me 2 1/2 hours to make it to the 1st boss and another 2 to make it to the 2nd." You want to know about Fester's Quest? Next time.

Oh, here's a good complaint. "So, nice names, guys! Mario 64, Super Mario Kart 64, PilotWings 64, Wave Race 64, Killer Instinct 64, and the list goes on! Yeeeeeesh! I'm not really mad, but I think you guys could at least put some effort into the names of the games." He totally has a good point. But, here's the response: "So, you're saying you wouldn't be in favor of our plan to rename the magazine Nintendo Power 64?" Wow, what an asshole. "It is quite apparent what an active and important role marketing plays in the video game industry. I have to wonder what you are thinking when marketing the Nintendo 64 to elementary school gamers. You risk alienating gamers 15 and up. You should target older gamers, because you'll also target younger ones, since the younger audience's perception of coolness often depends on what the older, teenage audience thinks is cool." I agree. And the response? "Your suggestion inspired us to target more teens with our marketing, so tune in to a very special episode of Friends this week to see-" Okay, here's my letter. "Dear Nintendo Power editor, what the fuck is your problem?

Kyle Justin: ♪ Get the power. Nintendo Power. Get the clues that you can use. Nintendo Power. Higher and higher. Fighting your way through enemy fire. ♪

(different shots are used while Kyle Justin sings Nintendo Power)

~~~~~~~

in:
Transcripts of 2008 Angry Video Game Nerd episodes
Transcript of AVGN Episode NES Accessories
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(title card appears accompanied by the Ninja Gaiden Stage 2-2, Stage 4-1 music.)

The Nerd: You got a game and a controller; that's the way it goes. But sometimes that wasn't enough. Nintendo was always coming up with creative and unique ways to play games. Today, there's the Wii and the DS stylus pen. But even in the early days with the NES, they were doing the same kind of thing. Some of them were pretty awesome at the time, but others were failed experiments that made you look like a jackass. So let's take a look at some of the NES accessories. I already talked about the Power Glove, we all know it's bad, so bad.

The Nerd: Let's start with the Zapper. Back then we just called it "the gun", because that's what it is. There's nothing more satisfying than just shooting the fuck out of things. It was the quintessential gaming accessory. Almost every console had their own version of "the gun". Only problem: It doesn't work so great anymore. Depends on the game, the kind of TV you're using, and the gun itself. I have three of them. The first one is completely random: sometimes it makes its target, but most of the time, it doesn't.

(The dog laughs after the duck is missed in Duck Hunt)

The Nerd: The second one has a pattern, every other round it, like, goes dead. So here comes the two clay pigeons, I shoot 'em, no problem. Then, the next ones come out... I can't hit 'em, even if I press the thing against the screen. The third Zapper has the same problem, except that the pattern's swapped. What the fuck is going on? Even the alleged light bulb trick doesn't work. Here, we have Wild Gunman. What, you gotta use your hands? That's like a baby's toy.

(the Nerd plays a bunch of shooting games, then plays Duck Hunt with his cat on the TV, swatting at the ducks)

The Nerd: (to his cat) Hey, get down!

(the cat continues to chase the ducks on the TV until they fly away. The dog from Duck Hunt comes up to laugh at the Nerd, while the Nerd puts the gun to the screen to shoot the dog.)

The Nerd: The Super Nintendo also had its own gun; more like a big-ass bazooka: the Super Scope. If you're familiar with the Zapper, this one's a totally different story. The Zapper used light detection, that is when you pull the trigger, the screen goes black for a fraction of a second and the targets become white squares. The Zapper detects whether or not it's pointing at the light, hence the term "light gun" that everybody likes to call it. But the Super Scope uses a sensor that you plug into the Super Nintendo, much like the Wii and its Wii Zapper.

The Nerd: Another thing about the Super Scope is that it isn't powered by the NES; it's wireless, which you'd think would be cool, but that means that you gotta use six double-A batteries, and this fucking beast drains 'em in a few hours. And why's the trigger on the top? It should be down here. This is balls. You'd think the Super Scope would be more reliable than the original Zapper, but it's not.

The Nerd: Even if I point the gun in the same spot, the bullets just scatter all over the place. All because I'm using a flat-screen TV.

The Nerd: Now let's look at the Miracle Piano. It's a miracle if I could figure this shit out. You might be thinking, "Wow, Nintendo had a piano?" Well, yeah, Nintendo had everything, but it was also available on other game consoles and home computers. It's got one game, which is basically a piano teaching tool. It's actually not bad.

The Nerd: Well, that's really all there is to say. My only complaint is that the music comes from the keyboard, which is okay, but the metronome comes from the TV, and that can be a little confusing.

The Nerd: Other than having standard lessons, you also get this robot game. Play the song right, or the robot dies. Then there's a duck game, you gotta shoot the ducks. Oh, come on!

(the Nerd starts to mess the song notes up, and then starts banging on the piano keys)

The Nerd: Yeah, I'm shooting ducks with a piano!

(The Nerd continues banging on the piano keys)

The Nerd: Next, we have the Power Pad. You lay it on the floor, kinda like Twister. Let's pop in good old World Class Track Meet, and have a race, jump hurdles, and do the long jump or triple jump. The present-day equivalent of the Power Pad is Dance Dance Revolution, and there will also be a version on the Wii.

The Nerd: It was meant to be a family game, but most kids I knew played it alone in their room, and that meant that if your room was upstairs, your parents would hear, like, all this thumping and shit; they hated it! Cats and dogs would piss and shit on it. In fact, just thinking about it makes me feel like having an anal evacuation.

(the Nerd plays World Class Track Meet, gradually growing tired and out of breath)

The Nerd: Fuck this!

(the Nerd falls to the floor and starts slapping the buttons rapidly with his hands until he wins, and is exhausted and takes a deep breath.)

The Nerd: Yeah, it all comes down to tapping buttons, which brings us to our next accessory, probably the stupidest thing ever invented: the SpeedBoard. What is it? It's a piece of fucking plastic! You attach your controller, you get it? In case you don't want to hold the controller with your hands, in case you enjoy playing on the floor, or behind a table, then this is for you. It's embarrassing. What's the point? (reading from the SpeedBoards box) To "put the speed at your fingers"?! Why in the ass would I need that?!

(shows gameplay footage from the NES Ghostbusters)

The Nerd: If I'm playing a game that involves having to tap the buttons like crazy, I'm probably gonna get a turbo controller like the NES Max or NES Advantage. How could they even SELL such a thing? Even though it's made by a third-party company, it was actually licensed by Nintendo. It's like covering a turd in ice cream sprinkles.

The Nerd: Next up, oh boy: the Konami LaserScope. Now, I just wanna go on record by saying I fuckin' love Konami, but this thing reeks of ass! It's essentially yet another form of the Zapper, but it's voice-controlled. To shoot, you say "Fire"!

The Nerd: (he shouts "FIRE!" seventeen times in a row to shoot with the game Laser Invasion) It also has headphones, and it advertises on the box that you can use it for your Game Boy or Walkman. Just detach the scope module... yeah. Wow. Yeah, I would look "so cool" walking around listening to my iPod with this fucking thing on my head.

The Nerd: It also advertises that "parents will love what they don't hear". It says, "While the LaserScope surrounds the player with the sounds of exciting gameplay action, non-players can listen to music, read a book, talk on the phone, or have a conversation in the same room." Yeah, while you're saying "FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!", it kinda defeats the purpose, right? FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! Fuck!

(the game shoots)

The Nerd: I didn't say "Fire!", I said "Fuck!"

(the game shoots again)

The Nerd: FUCK! FUCK-FIRE! FUCK! FUCK! ASS! You can say anything. SHIT! BITCH! CUNT! FUCK! FART!

(the game shoots as he swears)

(the Nerd plays Duck Hunt with the LaserScope)

The Nerd: FUCK!

The Nerd: (chuckles) Wow, I just shot down a duck by sayin' "Fuck."

(the Duck Hunt dog shows a dead duck.)

The Nerd: Next is the Roll & Rocker. This thing is the biggest shit-biscuit I've ever seen. You stand on it and supposedly you rock back and forth, which controls the D-Pad. The modern-day equivalent would be the Wii Fit.

The Nerd: The Roll & Rocker is supposed to be compatible with every game for the NES, but I find that it isn't compatible with any of 'em. Each game responds differently, but none of them work. Adventure Island keeps walking right, Excitebike keeps going down, Skate or Die goes in circles, Kung Fu ducks to the right, Metal Gear does nothing at all, Ninja Turtles III walks in place, and 1943 just fidgets around a lot.

The Nerd: It's another hunk of plastic! Who made this thing?!

(the Nerd takes a closer look at the back to find it's made by LJN, the company notorious for publishing awful NES games.)

The Nerd: (quietly but angrily) Son-of-a-bitch. (normally) Well, we might as well try a LJN game. Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice. Let's see if this works.

(Beetlejuice just walks in place)

The Nerd: No, of course not, it doesn't. It doesn't work, it just doesn't work. I need a beer.

(the Nerd drinks a bottle of Rolling Rock and discovers something that amazes him.)

The Nerd: I'm drinkin' Rolling Rock... on the Roll & Rocker! Rolling Rock, Roll & Rocker! Yeah, Rolling Rock ON the Roll & Rocker!

(the Nerd drinks more Rolling Rock)

The Nerd: I've also heard that you can't weigh more than a hundred pounds, but I still don't understand why I can't get any kind of response out of it. (The Nerd kicks the Roll & Rocker out of sight) Let's try the cat. (Puts the cat on the Roll & Rocker) Get on there, you little bastard.

(the cat stays on the Roll & Rocker for awhile, then walks off)

The Nerd: (scoffs) Cat's like, "Fuck that shit!" Even though the Roll & Rocker does absolutely nothing, the B and A buttons still work. Yeah. You plug the regular controller into it, so while you're standing on the thing, you still use the B and A buttons like normal. So even if it did work, what's the point?! If I'm holding the controller anyway, why not just use the controller?!

The Nerd: It blows my mind! It's like, "What were they thinking?!"

The Nerd: One more: the U-Force. So hot, nothing can touch it. Nothing comes between you and the game. That's what the advertisement said. You open the thing up, it basically looks like Electronic Battleship. It's got a 3-Dimensional invisible power field. Wow, a power field? Now, we're literally playing with power.

(the Nerd plays Super Mario Bros.)

The Nerd: Come on, jump. Jump! Come on, Mario, jump! God, how do I jump? Come on, jump!

(Mario dies)

The Nerd: ASS!

The Nerd: Oh, jump is over here, alright here we go.

The Nerd: Get the mushroom--(exclaims) Aw, now that's ass-y! Yeah, I know I use the word "ass" a lot, I guess you could say I'm an ass-aholic.

The Nerd: Let's try Kung Fu. Yeah, I'm honestly surprised, this thing kinda works. Looking at the instructions, each game has a specific set-up and a switch combination, kinda like the codes with the Power Glove.

Punch-Out!! uses an upright position and a Power Bar. Everything's always power. What's so power about it? It's only a plastic bar, and why do you need it?

(the Nerd plays Punch Out!!)

The Nerd: Yeah, now that's what I'm talkin' about, this actually works! I'm punchin' somebody with the U-Force! Oh, watch out! (Exclaims) (Little Mac gets knocked down) Get up, get up, get up! Alright.

The Nerd: Alright. One more game. I can't believe we gotta touch this one again.

(the Nerd flashes Top Gun for the NES)

The Nerd: Top Gun has an option of using this weird joystick thing. I don't see the point when I can just use an actual joystick, and what's really weird is that this thing is, again, is just a piece of plastic. It doesn't have any wires connecting to it, you just plant it there. And the buttons actually work, and it steers okay, too. To tell you the truth, I'm stunned.

(The Nerd gets to the dreaded landing sequence, confident that he'll be able to successfully land the plane with the U-Force. He tries to and after about 50 seconds, just when he thinks he's finally landed the plane, it goes over the aircraft carrier and blows up in the water! BOOM!)

The Nerd: (Yells) ASS!

(Shows Top Gun Game Over screen)

The Nerd: So, that covers most of the dreaded NES accessories. But, I know that there's one in particular that I didn't mention, (R.O.B. peeps up behind the Nerd briefly as he speaks.) but, you know, can't do it all in one shot. So, we'll save it 'til later, I'll see you next time, (puts on Indiana Jones' signature fedora.) I think you know what's next.

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