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- >You be Anon
- >Been in Poneville for a while, found out quickly upon arrival that these creatures are not very good at something called, "Logic."
- >One time, you went along with Princess Starbutt and friends for, "and Adventure of a Lifetime!"
- >Said adventure mostly consisted of sitting on a train.
- >And sitting in a room, waiting for Princess face to get out of some important conference.
- >And more sitting, but at least this one was entertaining.
- >You got to see zebras fight to the death for entertainment, which was breddy gud.
- >After that, though, you went straight to the hotel room.
- >You had no idea that small colorful equines were capable of making liquor that could knock you on your ass with one nice, long chug.
- >Trying some in the middle of watching a bloody, desperate fight was not a good idea.
- >"You're not gonna be coming along with us on trips for a while, Anon."
- >After that ordeal, you went back to living your shitty life and wishing that these ponies had some common sense.
- >The three snack-sized ones kept crashing through your window every morning when you woke up.
- >Nobody gave two shits.
- >Then, bright idea comes around.
- >One day, you set up a stand that says: "Advice for all of your problems: 5 cents"
- >First hoers to pass by is none other than Rarara
- >"Darling, what's a 'cents?'"
- "Umm, It's a form of currency. Most notably known by the fact that they are usually in coin form."
- >"..."
- "You don't know what fucking money is?"
- >"Oh, money! Darling, I don't know what they used where you came from, but we use Bits here."
- >Bits
- >Bits
- >BITS
- >What the fuck kinda name is that for a form of currency?
- "What the fuck are bits?"
- >"It's the money that we use here in Equestria, darling. They look like this."
- >She pulls out a gold coin from... where?
- >Holy shit they use gold coins
- >When you go back to Earth, you're gonna be rich!
- >But you have to earn the money first.
- "Okay, thanks for the help. I'll get to changing the sign."
- >Go back inside your house, which smells like death itself.
- "Where the fuck did I put that marker and shit..."
- >After a half an hour of searching, you find the last giant post-it note and marker.
- "Thank god."
- >You scrawl out "Professional Help and Advice, "
- "Fuck, I should have asked how much a bit is worth. Fuck it."
- >"Professional Help and Advice, 5 bits per problem"
- >Under that, you add, "Dr. Anon, PhD"
- >Fucking Genius.
- >Go back outside and plaster the paper onto the table you're using as a desk.
- "Now, we wait."
- >evilgrin.jpg
- >"Wow, help and advice for 5 bits! I need that!"
- >Random pone walks up to you
- >"H-h-h... Hello, sir. I would like some help and advice."
- "Bits first. Then we talk."
- >You point to a small jar that you have sitting on the table.
- >"Uhm-uh.. okay."
- >He digs up a few coins.
- >rattlerattlerattle.mp3
- >Ahh, the sweet sound of money.
- >The guy even sounds like a betafag, though.
- >The kind that does nothing but watch Pokémon all day.
- "Okay, what do you need help with?"
- >He sits on the ground in front of you with a nervous grimace
- >He's not talking
- >This isn't good.
- >"Sir, I need help. I'm going to have to do the ritual sooner or later, as I'm done with school and almost ready for a job. But I'm really nervous about it. My dad is-"
- "Wait, what ritual?"
- >"You don't know about the ritual? Did you even have a foalhood?"
- >ohshit.jpg
- "Let me get one thing clear with you. I do not come from here. To be honest with you, I didn't even know what bits were until 5 minutes ago. I've clearly still got some things to learn. So if you could please explain the whole 'ritual' thing to me, that would be perfect. Then I can help you."
- >He looks like he's about to burst into a big, long, fast explanation.
- >"To put it simply, the stallion ritual is a tradition that's been going on for a long time. It's used as a way to prove that a colt has really grown up."
- >So far, so good.
- >"To do the ritual, colts have to challenge their dad in combat, defeat him, and then... umm..."
- >You wonder what he's so nervous about with the second part.
- >Until he says it.
- >"mount... their... mom... and..."
- "You don't need to finish that sentence."
- >So incest is a tradition in this place.
- >Fucking Wow. That's some nightmare fuel for days.
- "And you ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY have to do it?"
- >"Yes. If I want to have any semblance of normalcy in this world, anyway."
- >You hold your head in your hands.
- >What
- >the
- >fuck
- >is
- >up
- >with
- >these
- >small
- >colorful
- >equines?
- >What the fuck should you do?
- >This guy just asked you for help about a ritual that involves him beating up his dad and fucking his mom
- >You want to pack up, go back inside your house, and just get completely and utterly wasted in order to forget that this "Stallion Ritual" even existed.
- >But you can't.
- >This guy just gave you his money so that you would help him out, and you're certainly no Jew.
- >Besides, you feel kinda sorry for him.
- >If he wants to have a normal life, he has to go through with this
- >You don't think you could've survived a serious fight with your dad when you were a teenager.
- "Umm... Can you give me a second?"
- >"Okay. But you will help me, right?"
- >You don't know what to say.
- >Aaaand damn. A crowd has gathered.
- >As you hold your head in your hands, trying to figure out how not to fuck this situation up, you listen in on some of the whispers in your audience.
- >"He might help a pony out with The Ritual."
- >"He'd better help."
- >"Has he ever done it himself?"
- >"No."
- >"How's he gonna know how to help? He doesn't even know how it works..."
- >"It says on his sign that he's giving advice."
- >"And that he's a PhD! I wonder what that is?"
- >"Shut up Lyra, I didn't come here to listen to your stupid-"
- >"Oooh! Maybe he knows some sort of trick to getting more humans to appear..."
- >"...*sigh*... Lyra, I seriously want to strangle you sometimes."
- >Well then.
- "You know what? I'll help you out right now."
- >You didn't like your breakfast this morning anyways.
- >Aaaaand awkward silence.
- >All of the pones just sit there waiting for [spoiler]the world to change[/spoiler] something to happen.
- >Well, you were hoping you wouldn't have to use this
- >FULL AUTISM, GO!
- "You know what?"
- >"What?"
- "There's a saying that my people, the Humans, have for situations like this."
- "Some of the most legendary feats of Human achievement happened right after this saying was heard."
- >"And what's that, sir?"
- >[spoiler]assume Shia Labeouf stance[/spoiler]
- "JUST DO IT!"
- >"I'm sorry sir, but-"
- "Don't let your dreams be dreams."
- >"Uh-uh-uuum that's really inspirational and all bu-"
- "Yesterday, you said tomorrow, so JUST DO IT!"
- >"I-"
- "MAKE YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE! JUST... DO IT!"
- >"Okay, sir, I get it, I should-"
- "Some people dream of success, while YOU'RE GONNA WORK HARD AT IT! NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE!"
- >"Thank you sir. I'll remember that."
- >And then he dashed off.
- >But you weren't done.
- >You still had an audience...
- "You should get to the point where anyone else would quit, but YOU'RE NOT GONNA STOP THERE! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!?"
- "... DO IT! JUST... DO IT! YES YOU CAN! JUST DO IT!"
- >Your audience is now on the edge of their butts.
- "If you're tired of starting over, STOP GIVING UP."
- >le Shia Squat
- >You then bugger off to your house as the pones all gallop off and do pone things.
- >Two weeks later
- >The former town of Ponyville has grown to an enormous Metropolis
- >It's comparable to Manehattan
- >Applejack didn't like the change.
- >It turns out that there were millions of (somehow edible) diamond pears buried deep beneath the city which had been rumored to be there for centuries.
- >Nopony knows why they were there, but there wasn't any question that they should be sold to ponies all around the world.
- >Local merchants have been making quite a lot of coin off of that.
- >The pony you heard being referred to as Lyra became the first in the entire world to be a specialized Doctor for Humans
- >So far, you're her only patient (and you hope it stays that way).
- >And as it turns out, her friend, called BonBon, is now a very famous candy-maker.
- >BonBon's Classic Shop is one of your favorite places to visit in the brand new Downtown Ponyville.
- >Betapone ended up beating his dad senseless in two seconds flat (which was a world record), and then proceeded to fuck his mom so well that her vagina was numb for a week.
- >Upon hearing the second part of that, you promptly proceeded to violently vomit out your own internal organs.
- >Apparently he's now one of the town's best bodybuilders.
- >Princess Twilight Sparkle is making a new discovery about the Magic of Friendship every fucking week, it seems.
- >Each one is discovered as "Ground-Breaking" and "Extremely Important."
- >Her Letters to Celestia are on National TV before even Celestia herself gets them.
- >Also, there's a statue of you in the center of town.
- >Has some of your famous words of motivation scrawled on a plaque at its base.
- >But you know that those aren't your words.
- >And at the end of all this, you got a new office downtown.
- >It's kinda cute, with a nice big window and everything.
- >On the window, are the words,
- "Professional Help and Advice, 5 bits per problem,"
- "Dr. Anon, PhD."
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