thoughts 1/30/2016

Why do you stream?
To entertain. I find joy in bringing people together, have a conversation with them, creating a chill, close-knit community where people can just talk. Trying to make people laugh. Trying to brighten up people's day, even for just a few minutes or even seconds of their lives. Having recorded video proof of speedrunning endeavors and creating self validation is just one small part of it. That's how it started out, meeting people that enjoyed the same gaming series as I did and getting to know them, getting to know them as people, as friends.

So what is holding you back?
Probably a number of things. The biggest is probably my own self-criticism. I keep attempting to become more perfect, not just in the speedrunning aspect, but as a person and as a streamer. This has it's upsides, as well as its major downsides, as I am now experiencing them. I try to perfect my streaming experience, try to please as many people/viewers as possible without focusing on what makes me happy. I start thinking "should I be streaming this game on this channel?" because you know people will be asking why. You start fighting against the storyline everyone thinks you should be following. You start becoming bitter. You close yourself off. You start competing. It isn't about your stream anymore, it's about your stream compared to everyone else. You lose sight of why you started in the first place.

But how can you just return to that? Now that you're aware of all the outside factors that weight into your stream, how could you possibly just ignore them and go back to the way things were? I can't just say "I'm going to play whatever I want and I won't care what people say", I'll never actually mean that. I might tell myself I think that, but actually believing it yourself is something that seems so impossible, so far out of reach...

I don't get to say what I want to anymore. Actually, that's not true at all, I could say whatever the fuck I want, I just won't let myself. It's the eternal fear of what everyone else thinks of you, or what the "general public" thinks of you, what image of yourself you give off. I could trash HMK and TheGamersJoint for hours if I wanted to, but it would be in constant fear of being known as "the guy who trashes the X-Keepers". I could trash BBS for hours too, but it would be in constant fear of being known as "the guy who trashes BBS". Being labeled. Being written off as one thing, when I would rather be known as an intelligent streamer who holds his image well and isn't an "setting a bad example for the community."

But fuck it. Really, if I truly feel like TheGamersJoint is a joke, I should let myself say that. Sure, let people label me, write me off as an unintelligent troll who's salty about not getting views he thinks he deserves (that was a good one HMK, I got a good chuckle out of it). I shouldn't have to live up to people's imaginary expectations about "what is a good example for the community." I know who I am, I know I am a self-aware, intelligent human being. I also know that I am vocal, I express my feelings, I can say things that offend people on the daily. I shouldn't shy away from that, that's who I am. So I won't. And if that doesn't live up to your expectations, fuck it. Sorry. I never started this with the intention of having to be entirely professional, so I won't be entirely professional.

I shouldn't be so touchy. I shouldn't let other people's thoughts affect me in such a dramatic way. I shouldn't feel like I need to please everyone. I shouldn't live in fear of everyone hating me, creating imaginary reasons in my head for why people would hate me. But is that a flaw, or is that just who I am? Is that something I should work to change, or is that something that is part of me and inseparable from me that I should learn to accept and work with? What about how vocal I can be sometimes? The controversial things I say sometimes? Is that something that needs to be purged, or something that makes me who I am and I should simply accept?

Humans are inherently flawed, right? We're all different, we all have different flaws that make us who we are. So what are the good flaws that make us who we are, and what are the bad flaws that need to be changed to become a better person? Are they one in the same? Are they different?

I don't know. I've clearly been typing too much.