My Struggle

"... and while I may develop obsessions with people, I don't truly and genuinely, in a healthy pro-social manner, want to hear about their Christmas or their day or whatever). All of my relationships are temporary (except maybe love that I experience for members of my biological family). I do not have the ability to have real, close, bidirectional relationships with other people. I have the ability to stalk people, but a stalker-stalkee relationship is not a real relationship, and it's not good for anyone. I learned the hard way that I cannot stalk my way into being a woman's boyfriend, fiancé, or husband - it will never happen and I'm done with that. I'm done with trying to be someone I'm not. I am asocial, and I have been that way for a long time, for as long as I've had discernible mental illness. That's just how I am. If I had the power to become a "normal" person, with real two-way friendships and intimate partnerships, I would have made that choice in a heartbeat, but I can’t, and no psychiatric drug can fix me (and I have tried over 10 different ones including Lithium, Lamictal, Depakote, Carbamazepine, Topiramate, Saphris, Risperidone, Invega, Haldol, Latuda, and more). The initial and true reason I went on psychiatric drugs was not for primary symptoms of mental illness like mania or depression (even though when I went to my first psychiatrist I said that was the reason). The true reason was to try and change my personality and get a girlfriend, and it never worked. Before I developed mental illness (not including the childhood ADHD), when I was about 12 or 13 years old, there was this girl named "Cathy" who I used to eat lunch with each day in an outdoor area behind the school, just the two of us, but then I developed my initial mental illness and changed and things didn't work out with us (in high school I wanted to go with her to the senior prom, but when I asked her to join me on my regular walk on the beach she said that she was "not interested, never interested", which I still vaguely remember over 10 years later because it fucking hurt. I ultimately ended up going to the prom alone after multiple other rejections). After I graduated from that school, I wanted to use psychiatric medication to fix me to make things work out interpersonal relationship wise in the future, but it never worked. Years after things stopped working with her, perhaps because I became distant, Cathy blocked me for stalking/harassment. Even more years later, in 2019 (according to the Facebook messenger logs), from another Facebook account I used to go around her first Facebook block, I apologized to her and reminded her of us with a photo of the two pages she filled in my middle school yearbook where she wrote in a friendly manner about how we first met, but then she blocked that second Facebook account of mine as well. From high school on I had similar experiences (as my experience with that girl) with many other women who I also felt I had fallen in love with, although she was the first. That girl has since gotten married (from my second Facebook account I saw a profile photo of hers where a man was proposing to her), but my experience with her was one of the most emotionally painful and formative experiences of my life (I still to this day have a small teddy bear holding a heart that says "Love" on it which she gave me on Valentine's Day when I was maybe 13 years old) and what happened set my future objectives in life. I wanted to correct what happened, but maybe with another woman. I had dreams of marriage and I wanted one day to have children with a woman who I had fallen in love with (it's not unusual for me to fantasize about a future with a child with a woman who I had fallen in love with), but I don't see either marriage or children ever happening for me. I hate mental illness for ruining my life, but I'll hate my life even more if I get kicked off SSDI. As an atheist who believes in biology, I see life pair off and reproduce itself, and I believe that's the purpose of life, but I don't believe I'll ever be able to achieve my purpose as a lifeform."