Unseen Side Affects, part 1
by Dave


	“Its hopeless” Zoey gasped and flopped her head into her folded arms on the bar.
	Rhonda rolled her eyes and continued to wash the glasses. It was Tuesday afternoon at the Kitty Cat Club , the self-proclaimed third best lesbian bar in Southern California. It had once actually been a great club, the tag line being and ironic in joke. It still was the third best, but only because the greater metro area had only three lesbian bars left. But it had one major competitive advantage over it's competitors: It opened at 10 am.

	Rhonda continued cleaning a glass and smirked an unsympathetic smirk. “I'll get the microscope and find my tiny violin” She snorted as she set the now dry glass on a shelf and grabbed another wet one out of the sink.

	“Its like I'm invisible.” Zoey mumbled into her forearms “Girls don't believe that I'm into them, wont accept that I'm not!  If I could wear my gold star where the girls could see it, I would.”
	Rhonda cocked an eyebrow at this. For some reason, some women where proud of the fact that they had never been intimate with a man. She had been married to a man for two  years before coming out, and was sort of irked that never having handled a dick was seen as some sort of high achievement.
	But she knew that the job of the bartender was listen and not judge

	Rhonda took the class from third mimosa before noon and set it aside to be washed.
	“Well... at the risk of not sounding inclusive, you could possibly try to look like one of us. I have a pride button you can have and you might want a shorter haircut.”

	Zoey shot Rhonda a dirty look. She began a conversion she had had so may times that she could recite it word for word. “Not you, too. Look, just because I like dresses and shoes and girly things doesn't mean I don't like pussy. If you think about it, pussy is the most girly thing someone can like. Besides, I sell houses for a living.  There’s a very specific ‘look’ you need to work in realty. Mohawks and bib overalls aren’t in the uniform. Now, if I was a bartender...”

	Zoey was not know for her modesty, but nor was she a liar. Most people considered her very attractive, as did she. She took care to dress well and kept her long brown hair stylishly coiffed. She was a bit on the short side, but slender and athletic. She dressed conservatively and often wore heels to make up for the height that nature had not provided. She didn't know if it helped close real estate deals, but telling herself that was better than admitting vanity. She had a smile that could light up a room, and graced both her bushiness cards and the two billboards she rented to drum up work.

	Rhonda had been a bartender for a long time. She had come to know when a grousing customer was genuinely asking for advice and when they where just venting. Rhonda knew that this was firmly in the latter category. But if she didn't intervene, she would have to eject a drunk before lunchtime.

	“I'll tell you what. You think women don’t notice you?”
	Zoey’s head was back against the bar. She moaned, but the inflection clearly meant ‘yes.’
	“You think people just see right through you?”
	Zoey repeated her moan.
	“I have an acquaintance that has the same problem as you. No one can see her, either. I’ll give her your number and you can both complain about how you're too pretty for girls to notice.”
	Zoey lifted her head and let out a frustrated sigh. “Fine, have her give me a call. Can I get another drink?”
	“Only if it’s coffee.”


	Two days later, Zoey's phone rang. She didn't recognize the number, so she let it go to voicemail. Her phone beeped, indicating that a message had, in fact, been left. She listened, expecting yet another scam, loan solicitation or timeshare sales pitch.
	She was pleasantly surprised that it wasn't.
	“Hi there, My name is Alexa. Rhonda from the Kitty Cat Club gave me your number. She thinks we should meet up. I think that sounds great. Call me back at this number. It’s my cell. Bye.”

	Zoey dialed back as fast as she could. She had actually forgotten that Rhonda said she would do this, but was thankful that she actually had.

	After two rings, Alexa picked up.
	“Hello?”
	“Hi, I’m Zoey. You just called me. Rhonda gave you my number.”
	“Oh, hi! I’m Alexa Meeks! Rhonda says you have a bad case of femme invisibility. I know a thing or two about that. Are you up for a cup of coffee later today?”

	“Sure. Where do you want to go?”
	“ Have you ever been to Bump and Grind? I work at the university, and Bump and Grind is a quirky little coffee shop right near there. It’d be easiest for me since I don't have a car. Does six o’clock work for you?”
	“Six might be a little late for coffee. Might be up all night. But I'll find something to drink. Six is good.” Zoey confirmed.
	“Okay, I’ll see you there. I'll be wearing an white long sleeve shirt and with a black A line skirt with cute creame pumps. Ill have my university ID on my shirt, so you’ll know its me..”
	“All right, see you then.”
	Zoey ended the call and did a little victory dance, confusing the other realtors in the office. From her dance, they assumed she’d just closed a deal to sell the Taj Mahal.
	“Alright,” She sang to herself. “A real date!”
	Finally noticing that she had the attention of the rest of the office, she cleared her throat and took her seat at her desk.
	When everyone had returned to work, Zoey took her phone out and listened to the voice mail again. Such a lovely voice… Zoey wondered what she looked like.

	Zoey called it an early day at work and drove home and primped for her date. After careful application of just enough makeup, she carefully picked out a playful blue sundress and paired it with her favorite shoes: a set of strappy wooden platform heels.

	She drove to the university, and followed her phone’s instructions to Bump and Grind. Alexa was right, it was a quirky place: garishly painted walls, art students and musicians sitting at their tables working on the next great play or rock opera. There was a cat there who apparently didn't care what the health inspector thought.

	Zoey's phone chirped. It was a text from Alexa saying she was running behind and would be five minutes late. Since she didn't have work in the morning, she got a coffee, picked an empty table, and started scrolling through her phone.

	“Are you Zoey?” A soft voice inquired.
	Zoey looked up from her phone. Her jaw dropped at what she saw.
	Or rather, what she didn't see.

(Added some dramatic spacing to this. If you don’t like it, feel free to change it back.)

	There was indeed a  white long sleeve shirt and with a black A line skirt... but nothing else. Above the empty collar hovered a pair of glasses and earrings that indicated there might be a head holding them up. The outfit seemed to float in the air, a cup of coffee defying gravity a few inches from the right sleeve of the phantom shirt. Clipped to the collar of the shirt was a university clearance laminated ID. The picture on the ID card showed the top of a different hollow shirt and the same glasses. It didn’t strike Zoey as a very conclusive form of ID.
	The name on the tag was Alexa Meeks.  This was who she was waiting for.
	“Is this seat taken?” a voice rang out from under the glasses. Not waiting for a response, the chair opposite Zoey moved out from under the table and the empty clothing sat down.
	Even now… Zoey wasn’t sure the chair was taken.
	“Rhonda told me you have a bad case of femme invisibility.” Alexa said, probably. There was no mouth visible, not even disembodied lips to watch speak. Zoey contiued to stare at the tag on the inside of Alexa’s shirt. “I know a thing or two about that.”
	Zoey kept staring at the holes in the floating clothing. In a movie, this kind of special effect would be very expensive. And yet here it was, in real life.
	The sleeved right arm moved towards Zoey’. A warm thumb and finger gently pinched her chin. Zoey almost expected her touch to be cold, like a ghost.
	Alexa lifted Zoey’s face to hers. “My eyes are up here.” She said, voice warm and sweet like caramel.
	“Are they?” Zoey chuckled nervously, moving her chin free of Alexa’s gentle grip. “I mean, I thought I had a bad case of femme invisibility. But you take the cake. How... how exactly is this possible?”

	Alexa sipped her coffee. Zoey watched as the swallow of brown liquid race down into the shirt, out of her sight.

	“Well, that's a long and boring story,” Alexa  said, half lying. The story was not long.

“Lets just say no one really saw me until I left the visible spectrum. I couldn't get the time of day. Now no one forgets me. It’s a major improvement. But enough about boring old me.” The sleeves came together in front of her, her hands probably folding together in anticipation. “What’s your story?”

	Zoey started slowly. She told of Growing up in a small town in Arizona being the fourth of  children, coming out to her parents, Who took it well. They where conservative small town folks but they only wanted her to be happy. Zoey had moved to Southern California to pursue an arts degree on scholarship, graduating from a top school and then settling for a career in real estate to pay the bills. As she spoke, she gradually got more comfortable with the idea that there was a person between the clothes sitting across from her, and one that found her interesting at that.

	A woman with elaborately colored hair and green apron came over to the table with a pot of coffee and offered to refill their mugs.
	“Must be a special day, Alexa. You're overdressed today.” The woman teased, poking Alexa’s sleeve with her finger.
	“Not my call.” Alexa replied, swirling the coffee in her cup. “Lab policy. If the let me show up without my clothes, then Chuck is going to want to work naked, too. And no one wants to see that.
	The woman chuckled. “They should zap him too. Problem solved.”
	“I'm sure they would love to make Chuck disappear, but for now it only works on women. Tricky thing, science.”
	The waitress gave a polite titter and strode off. Somehow, the casual manner of their conversation made a weird situation seem even weirder.

	“So... do you, like, spy on people?” Zoey inquired.” Learn their secrets or sneak into places you're not supposed to go?”
	Alexa paused for a moment and set down her coffee.
	“Well, you may not believe this, but... no, I don't do stuff like that. If I start doing that, I think people would be scared that there was always a possibility that I'm spying on them. People already don’t know if they can trust me not to indulge, and if I give people cause to fear me, they will. I don't want to live with no one trusting me. So, short answer, no. Like I said, I'm pretty boring. Besides, have you ever walked around outside barefoot? Its hard on your feet. Like walking on Lego bricks… everywhere you go.”

	Zoey looked to the coffee in the bottom of her cup. “But if you can’t do fun stuff like that, what is the point of being... unseeable?”
	Alexa took a sip. The process of the coffee sliding down Alexa’s esophagus no longer bothered her.
	“Well, for me at least, dropping out of the visible spectrum was the best decision I ever made. So far, I am the only person who has opted to make it permanent. I think most people wouldn't want that, but in a weird way, it gave me what I wanted. When I was, for lack of a better term, normal, I was truly invisible. No one noticed me. I was a wallflower that never had the confidence to assert myself. When the opportunity to be different came a along, I jumped at the chance. There have been side effects, and the first Thanksgiving at my parents house was, lets just say awkward. But over all its been a pretty wild ride, and I want to find someone to share it with. Most people have boring lives and boring secrets. Im not really interested in their lives.”

	(This previous paragraph… it feels like she repeats herself from her previous statements, except for telling us that it’s permanent. It might not be necessary.)

	Alexa took a long sip and shifted in her chair. “Have you ever read the story of the Ring of Gyges?”
	“I saw the first two movies. There was a lot of orcs, and walking.”
	“That’s Lord of the Rings. The Ring of Gyges is a story told by Plato. Cliffs Notes version, a guy named Glaucon finds a ring in his field that allows him to turn invisible. He goes nuts with it, uses it to kill enemies, sleep with the queen, and basically be a bad boy. Plato's point is that people are only good because there are consequences to being bad. If there are no consequences, people turn into gigantic dicks.”
	Alexa looked off into the distance.
	“And I know a thing or two about that.

Alexa turned back and placed her invisible hand on top of Zoey’s. Zoey looked into Alexa’s glasses… and beyond her, she noticed that twenty feet behind her, a barista was flipping chairs onto the tables, getting ready to close the shop.
	“Whoa, it must be getting late.” Zoey reflexively looked at the back of a wrist where a watch would have been, had cell phones not been invented.
	“I suppose so,” Said Alexa, actually pulling her phone out of her bag. She would hardly call it ‘late,’ but it was evidently time for the coffee shop to close. “So, are you in a hurry to get home? Or do you wanna come back to my place and maybe, you know,  Netflix and chill?”
	Zoey pantomimed a shrug and appeared to think it over before quickly agreed. She was hoping the date would go this well. She didn't see herself as the kind of girl who would put out on the first date…
	Then again, she couldn’t see Alexa at all.

	Alexa's apartment was indeed close to campus. It was an ancient Victorian style house that had been partitioned into tiny apartments.  Alexa checked her mail and Zoey was reminded how weird the whole situation was a as a set of keys floated out of a purse, opened a mailbox and emptied out a few bills and some junk mail.
	To call Alexas place an ‘apartment’ was nicer than calling it an ‘overgrown closet.’ It was a bedroom and a bathroom. That was it. It was well kept, with a nice big bed, a desk and a table with a coffee pot and a mini fridge, and a few scraggly houseplants. A mid size flat screen TV sat next to a small bookshelf full of fantasy novels and DVDs.

	“I spend most days on campus, and I don't entertain much. But it’s as good a place to sleep as any, and that's all I need. It’s what I can afford on a grad student stipend.” Alexa narrated, foregoing the formal ‘tour.’ She dropped her purse by the door and kicked off her shoes.
	Zoey sat down on the bed, not seeing any other chairs. On the nightstand, she noticed a large box of magnum condoms.
	Her heart sunk into her stomach. She had kinda hoped that the girl she would marry would also still have her gold star: have also have been exclusively with women.

	“That isn't what you think.” Said Alexa, apparently sensing Zoey's distress.
	“I don't get it. What else could it be? I'm not judging, it’s fine if you like dudes, too.” Zoey said in a strained tone that did not hide that it did, in fact, mean a lot to her if Alexa was into men.
	Zoey had been catfished before. Multiple times, actually. She had gone on enough first dates only to find  that the woman was looking for another woman for a threesome with her boyfriend.
	Seeing the box of prophylactics made her instantly suspicious. She wondered if there was an invisible man standing in the room somewhere ready to ruin her night.

	Then again… there was that comment Alexa made in the coffee shop when talking about her annoying coworker. It only works on women...
	“Well, it’s complicated.” Alexa explained. “Strike that, its actually really simple. I’ll show you, but you gotta promise me you will keep an open mind.”

	Alexa removed her glasses and earrings, slipped off her blouse, and took off her bra. In one smooth motion, her skirt and panties fell to the floor, and there was no longer any visual proof that there was another person in the room with Zoey.  Zoey heard light footsteps approach her and felt two hands grab her gently by the wrist.

	“Put your hand here.” Alexa gently commanded. Zoey felt her hand rest on the soft, warm flesh of Alexa's hips. The invisible hands guided Zoey's probing fingers up, tracing the feminine curves that she couldn't see. Zoey's hand ran into a pair of breasts, and continued until the met a face. Zoey moved it a hand over Alexa's head and ran her fingers through what she guessed was a mop of shoulder length hair.
	Zoey’s fingers traced down Alexa’s face. All she wanted to do was move in, kiss her. She could probably find her lips without seeing them.
	Before she could work up the nerve, she felt Alexa take a step back, out of her grasp. Zoey’s eyes darted around. She knew she was still there, but it was so hard not to feel as though she’d disappeared.
	“Okay, now this is important. Don't panic.” Alexa’s voice rang out from somewhere in front of Zoey.
	A single condom floated up out of the box and hovered in the space where Zoey was sitting. In an instant the condom shed its wrapper and unfurled itself in midair. It paused for a second, and then unrolled itself over an invisible shaft.

	Zoey let out a shocked gasp. “You're a man? You bastard, and you sound just like a girl, you sick son of a bitch.” She stood.
	“No, no, no. I’m a woman, I swear to you.” Alexa jumped in front of her and put both hands on her shoulders. “That's why I had you touch me, so you’d know for sure. This...”
	The condom rocked back and forth with a gentle wiggle of Alexa’s hips.
	“This is a side effect of the process. I went in as a woman, and came out as a woman… with this. I know its weird, but I was hoping you would have a high tolerance for weird.
	Zoey didn't know what to feel. She felt she had really hit it off with Alexa. She had to admit that she was intrigued by the possibility of having an invisible friend, much less girlfriend. But she had never been with a man and wanted to keep it that way. But was a woman with a penis a man?

	No, not necessarily. It wasn’t penises specifically that she didn’t want; it was men. She would still be a lesbian if she stayed tonight. Frankly, of all things that she had seen (and not seen) tonight, this was the most ordinary part of it.
	The condom located in the air, expectantly. Zoey did not know how big dicks where supposed to be, but according to what she had read, this was big. The condom was completely unrolled, probably ten inches or so, and there was no indication that that was the full length.
	“Please don’t go.” Alexa pleaded. For once, she really wished that Zoey could see her expression, look into her eyes and see how serious she was.
	“OK.” Zoey conceded. “But you can not tell Rhonda about this. I will never hear the end of it.”
	“Come here, sexy.” Alexa teased. Zoey felt an arm around her waist and a pair of lips on hers. She opened her mouth and accepted the kiss. An unseen tongue darted into her. Zoey closed her eyes, feeling the warmth of Alexa’s soft skin in her hands, the featherlike tickle of her hair against her cheeks.
	She had done this before. Nothing that weird about this… except the latex-clad member rubbing on her stomach.
	Once in the bed, Alexa was actually easy to find, the imprint of her on the sheets betrayed her position, the condom moved about like a rigid translucent snake. Zoey struggled out of her clothes and continued to probe her new girlfriend’s delicate shape. She held the condom, and followed it back. Alexa's dick was indeed bigger than the length of the condom by a couple of inches. Zoey found and massaged a hairless scrotum behind the phantom shaft, feeling like a pair of hard boiled eggs. Her hand moved below, and Zoey found herself in familiar territory. A vulva, wet with desire.

	Zoey dug two fingers in, and slowly made “come hither” motions with her buried digits. She could hear Alexa's breathing begin to quicken. The empty condom bobbing around in the air was distracting, waving back and forth like a cobra. Zoey grabbed it by the base with her other hand to keep it still. Zoey had never actually touched a penis before. Touching it through the condom was different than touching it skin-to-skin. It felt warmer in her hand than her coffee mug. She could even feel the texture of the veins bulging, and Alexa's heart beating in stern throbs.
	Without really thinking about it, Zoey began to pump with her left hand in rhythm with the stroking she was doing with her right. She could see the imprint of Alexa's body on the sheets as she picked up speed. Soon she was pumping and stroking like a two-piston engine. There was an immodest groan, and the sheets gathered up like being pushed together by a huge invisible hand as Alexa tensed and came. The tip of the condom swelled with seed, like a water balloon being filled with a viscous cream from an unseen tap.

	After a moment, the bed rocked as Alexa left the bed, the sheets falling still. Zoey watched as the condom floated away, tied itself off and flew into the trash can. For a moment, there was no indication where her new lover was. Zoey listened to her surroundings, but could not hear her footsteps. Alexa revealed herself on the other side of the bed as a fresh condom sprang from the box and began unwrapping itself.

	Zoey moved some pillows up against the bed's headboard and sat back against them. She could see the divots where Alexa's knees returned to the bed. The new condom unrolled itself over a somewhat diminished cock, but Zoey could see that it was hardening and would soon be fully turgid. Zoey didn't know how long the refraction period was supposed to take, but ‘less than a minute’ didn’t sound right.
	She felt Alexa's hands on the inner parts of her knees, gently prying them apart. She felt a probing lick on her vulva, followed by many more.  Alexa was actually pretty good at eating pussy, considering she couldn’t see her own tongue. As lust grew inside her, Zoey watched herself with fascination. She could see the delicate manipulation of her pussy, moving by itself. She had never actually seen the intricate work before now, as usually her lover's head was in the way. Zoey watched until her eyes pinched shut, the need to orgasm erupted through her, Zoey’s hands falling into the space in front of her pussy and grabbing two handfuls of invisible hair.
	As the pleasure ebbed, Zoey could see her lovers imprint on the sheets change again as Alexa got on her knees. The condom bobbed too and fro, until suddenly stabilized by an unseen hand. The tip of the condom moved closer, between her legs.
	“Wait!” She cried, putting up a hand up and closing her knees. “Its as first date, I don't think I'm ready for that.”
	There was an awkward pause. With no face to look at, Zoey didn't know what Alexa was thinking. Was she disappointed? Angry? What?
	The condom rolled off Alexa and flew into the trash like a tiny UFO. “All right. But scoot over, I'm going to cuddle the shit out you.”
	They sat in silence with each other for ten minutes, both just glad to have had the day turn out so well. After a bit, they fired up Netflix and watched a terrible move where a CGI snake eats Ice Cube. Alexa offered to let Zoey sleep over, as she had planned to anyway. Once the lights were out, the general unease that had hung over the evening dissipated. There were just two women in the dark, too dark to see either of them. Zoey slipped into happy slumber as felt her new friend and lover’s arms around her.