;-;

If you've never been in a Psychology or Speech class, you should check out Maslow's Hierarchy, or if you've already seen it, check it anyways https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs. It's pretty simple how it works, the pyramid describes our basic needs starting with the most basic ones at the bottom and the more complex "higher" needs at the top. The other catch is that you can't skip parts of the pyramid, so you can't fulfill Esteem unless you've fulfilled all the other needs below it (Love/Belonging, Safety, and Physiological). I saw this in one of my assignments a few days ago and just painfully laughed at myself because of how the pyramid related to how I'm feeling right about now.

Picture Self-Actualization as your goals in speedrunning, because that's actually exactly where speedrunning fits on the pyramid. Speedrunning (for a lot of people, including me) is a form of Self-Actualization; it's a form of realizing your potential. However, you can't really reach Self-Actualization without fulfilling everything else in the pyramid. Well, I guess that's not entirely true. You can try, in fact, lots of people probably have completed a lot of speedrunning goals and achievements without feeling like they've fulfilled other needs such as Esteem or Love/Belonging. I'm one of those people, too. When I got the 343 in Crit over a year ago, I definitely don't feel like I achieved my need for Love/Belonging or Esteem. I wasn't going to class at all and ended up flunking all of my classes that semester. I was in a relationship I didn't want to be in and eventually broke up with that person probably about a month later. I wasn't confident in my major and have changed majors since then. I felt like my relationship with my family was in a huge disconnect and frankly I still feel that way. Basically, I was feeling like shit when I got that 343, and I had got it in my head that if I reached my goal with Crit Any%, all of my other problems would work themselves out. I'd somehow just magically start going to class again, mend my relationship and start seriously talking to my family again. None of those things happened. I was empty after the 343. You might've been able to tell in the streams following the 343, I was way more bitter towards basically everyone around me, including chat.

So what am I trying to say with all of this? Well, I guess the lesson is that Self-Actualization, or your goals in speedrunning in this case, are not substitutes for your own Self-Esteem and feeling of Belonging. You can't jump up to the top and expect that to fulfill all the needs underneath. You should (hopefully) already feel good about yourself and have high Self-Esteem, instead of attempting to use Self-Actualization as way to feel good about yourself. You shouldn't feel like you need to reach a goal to get people to like you, people should already like you and be your friend for who you are, which will re-affirm your Self-Esteem and allow you to then reach your full potential.

Another question might be, why am I saying any of this in the first place? Well honestly, it's something that I need to hear for myself. I've been a bitter, angry, lonely, sad sack of a person for probably the last year, maybe more. My sense of belonging is completely shot nowadays. I don't feel like I'm part of the community, and that's probably my fault more than anyone else. It's not like I really attempt to communicate with anyone. I'm an introverted and shy person who likes to have his own space, but I guess I've hit that point where I've put too much distance between myself and my friends to the point where I flail around desperate for attention and love, which is the last thing I wanted to become. I can't do runs of 1.5 without being extremely angry, which kills my Self-Esteem as a runner, when I feel like a year ago I was immune to that sort of thing. I'm bitter towards people in chat for doing nothing more than asking simple questions. There's no reason for me to feel that way, but it happens now and I'm ashamed of it. For the last week or so, I've basically avoided TS and streaming and instead decided to watch The Office and play Smash 4 with my sister. Even during the weekends, I wake up thinking that "today's the day I start my 1.5 grind again". But then I either avoid streaming completely, or I play 1.5 and end up in an incredibly bad mood.

So basically, to sum it up, I feel like shit. I don't feel like I'm depressed, I can still get up and have the energy to go to class and attempt to do things in my life. Me saying that I'm depressed I honestly feel would sound insulting to those who actually do genuinely have to deal with depression or extreme anxiety. It's all just very confusing, because the one hobby that helped me meet so many cool people and brought me so much joy in life is probably the thing that's causing me the most anguish right now. I don't expect responses, you can if you want to, but don't feel like you're required to. I wrote this out mostly for myself, so that maybe I can finally take steps towards fixing this problem. I want to fix this because I genuinely remember a time when streaming brought me so much joy in life. I would seriously get out of bed and the first thing I'd want to do is practice or do runs or talk to my speed friends, and I want that feeling back.

That's all I have to say for now. Thanks for reading.