The stars

The bright light of my computer screen contrasts with the otherwise dark room; I try my best to let her rest, but I have homework to do... Though I wonder if there's even a point to that. I've been thinking about this a lot in these past few weeks. I fill my head with useless pieces of information I know I will never use. A lot of students probably feel the same way; When are they gonna use algebra in a real-life situation? Does knowing water's molecular formula makes it any better to drink?

In my case though... It wasn't just the lack of real-life applications that first made me question my studies; It's the lack of enthusiasm I felt about even having a future life at all. After my heart attack, I felt depressed, but it was nothing compared to what I feel now. I just don't see the point trying anymore. Haven't seen it in a while now. She insisted I had to do it, though. I had to be serious about school, about life. I have to play my part...

Saki:'Come here!'

Hearing her voice, just two small words, is enough to startle me; Not only I thought she was asleep by now... I think it's the first time she even talks today; With me taking care of her as best as I can, she doesn't need to. I try to get her what she needs before she has to ask for it; I know she hates asking for help.

Hisao:'Coming, just a minute!'
Saki:'I'm not sure I have a minute.'

This hurts. So many things that used to make me smile a few months ago when we started dating, hurt now. She knew I didn't deal well with my heart condition, felt sorry for myself, thought it wasn't fair. So she started making fun of her condition; Of the hand she was dealt, a fate much worse than mine. At least I had a shot at life. At least I could improve. While her condition would only get worse and worse until...

So she laughed about it. Teased me about it. She'd say she might not have a minute. If I told her 'see you tomorrow!' she'd look sad and tell me she might not be there tomorrow. At first, I thought it was horrible to say something like that. It was morbid, it was wrong, it was everything you should not tell someone you love, someone who loves you back. We've had discussions about this and eventually, I understood why she was doing it; She wanted to show me that she accepted the condition she had to deal with. The life she had to live. She'd rather laugh about it and try to spend whatever time she had left being happy, having fun, than to give in to despair like me, cry and whine about it, curse life for giving me this affliction. It wasn't easy, even once I realized it, still felt weird; But with time, I learned to laugh about it. About my condition, about hers. In some strange way, laughing about our conditions seemed to make them weaker. Not as terrifying anymore. Like they would just fade away, leave us after a few days like a bad cough.

But now... The way her condition got, it won't be too long until Saki not being here tomorrow is a reality I'll have to face. Her condition has always had its ups and downs; a moment she seems a bit better, she can move a little, maybe walk a step or two... But the next, she can barely talk. These days, there have been more downs than ups, and I know it can't last much longer...  Hopefully we're not at the minute yet, but it feels wrong again to laugh about it. I thought we laughed the problems away, but we were only pretending. Or I was, anyway; I think she was aware, and just didn't care.

I take a look at her, see if she's smiling, to see if she was just teasing... But her eyes are closed and nothing shows on her face. I instinctively look at her chest, to see whether she's still breathing. A habit I picked recently, though I wish I didn't; Just makes me dread the moment when I'll look, see no movement, and hurry to call the nurse so they can take her to the emergency to doctors who will do... nothing? They made it quite clear; There's no cure, no operation.

Her chest barely moves, but I hear the ugly sound she makes when breathing; It sounds like someone with a punctured lung, but I know it's only because she has to take quick, deep breaths every time now; She's not strong enough to just breathe normally anymore; Even resting, she breathes like someone who just ran a sprint; Hell, like someone who's currently running the sprint.

I turn off the computer and walk to her. Her body's position on the bed looks strange... It's just one of these things you don't realize when your body works fine; Even when resting, your muscles have a function, they keep you in a normal sleeping position. Saki's muscles aren't that responsive anymore, especially when she doesn't focus on a specific task. To an observer who doesn't know any better, she would just look like someone who fell and didn't bother getting back up. But I know what it really is; A 'natural' resting position, when you don't use any muscle, any part of your body to position or steady yourself like you'd want. Like a doll someone threw in a toy box, unable to move from this uncomfortable position.

Hisao:'How are you feeling?'

We've had discussions on this too. Of course, I know she's not feeling well... And the implications of my question aren't exactly subtle; "How are you feeling... despite the genetic disorder that's slowly killing you?". I could just ask her to rank her pain on a scale from zero to ten like the doctors do sometimes, but what would be the point? It's not like I can help. And these days, I think a scale going from nine to ten would've been enough to assess her pain level.

Saki:'...Good.'

Depending on her mood, 'good' either meant 'good' or 'not good'. The way she didn't even move to position herself closer to me when I climbed into the bed with her, tells me it was probably the latter.

Saki:'Kiss me.'

She's facing away from me, so I move to the other side; I could try to turn her around, but sometimes when I move her I end up hurting her arms or legs and she doesn't always have the strength to place them in a better way; It's better when I just move myself. I plant a soft kiss on her lips, and her lack of reaction makes me wonder if she even felt it, even though I know she probably did, given how that's usually how it goes, no reaction, yet she keeps asking me for kisses... Which hurts, as well. Because it reminds me of our first time. Our first times... First kiss, first time making love; When she said "Kiss me!" on our third date, all playful and teasing, it felt like heavens; The "Fuck me!" that followed the theme, a few weeks later, was as embarrassing as it was unexpected; It was so unlike her... Which is probably why she said it. Just because she could.

It kinda stuck after that; "Kiss me!". "Hug me!". "Fuck me!". It was our thing, I suppose. Or maybe it was just 'her' thing, but she kept doing it because she knew how easy it was to embarrass me. She was having fun. And if a slight embarrassment was the price I had to pay for the girl I love to have fun, I was more than willing to pay it.

Now though... It's not a joke, or 'her thing' anymore. She wants kisses, and just can't make the move to kiss me; She has to ask me to do it. Well, not every time; I kiss, hug her without her asking... But the kisses are always weird, awkward; Sometimes I can feel her move a little, but most of the time she's inert; There's no difference kissing her whether she's awake or asleep, and sometimes I want to ask her if she's sleeping, but I don't want to ruin the kiss for her, if she's even conscious at this moment... Even if she doesn't feel them much physically, she still feels them emotionally. Or at least I think she does, given she once told me not to stop. To "Keep kissing her always, even if...". She left the rest unsaid, but I knew what she meant.

And so I still kiss her... Despite how much it hurts. And I feel terrible about this, but I can't just tell her how it feels. I lay next to her and hold her in my arms, waiting for sleep to come, hoping for... What? Hoping she'll be miraculously cured when we wake up? At this point, I wish we just wouldn't wake up. Been thinking about this for a week or so now... Every day is worse than the last, and it's gonna keep going that way until...

Saki:'Hisao?'
Hisao:'Yes?'

I know how hard it is for her to even speak now, and she rarely wastes words on things other than requests like 'Kiss me', or something she needs, like 'Water'. Saki wasting a word on my name, makes me think she has something important to say.

Saki:'Can we... Go on the hill? Look at the stars?'

She's not asking my permission, or whether I feel like going; She's literally asking me if we can, if it's possible. We don't have a car, and she obviously can't walk half a mile to get there. Asking the doctors or her parents to drive us, would at best bring a lot of questions she wouldn't have answers for, and at worse be met with a plain "no".

Hisao:'Sure Saki...'

I'm not sure at all, actually, but I don't feel like admitting that. She's such a frail little thing, probably weighs less than eighty pounds now. Still, carrying her for half a mile, with my condition... I don't know. We'll find out soon enough, I suppose. I have other concerns on my mind, anyway. I know why she wants to go there, of course; "I don't want to die in a hospital, Hisao" was how she first told me, a few months ago.

It had been a shock, back then; My naive, dumb self didn't even know her condition would eventually kill her; I thought when her muscles stopped working entirely, she would just be paralyzed... And I was more than ready to take care of her, for the rest of my life if needs be; I love her, more than I ever loved anyone... And even if it would be hard, I would do it, just to be with her. I couldn't stand leaving her at her fate, and spend the last few decades of my life without her.

Of course, I had it all wrong; The heart is a muscle too... it would stop working just like every other muscle in her body. Quite ironic, for someone with a heart condition, not to connect the dots on this one. My intentions, my love for her, my will to stay with her, none of it counts for anything; She would leave me, and there was nothing I could do about this.

She didn't tell me where she would want to die, if not in the hospital... She didn't even tell me exactly why she didn't want to die in the hospital, with professionals who could take care of her, with her family to support her through this rough time. Her last rough time. I think I knew anyway; She never liked doctors, nurses. She didn't like having to suffer through them fumbling around trying to tell her she was going to die, without actually telling her she was going to die. She didn't like having to suffer through them trying to give her hope when there really wasn't any. To her, the hospital represented a bunch useless liars; So-called professionals, who not only couldn't do anything to help her, but they also lied about it; No cure in years, decades, but who knows maybe they'd find something in the few days she had left to live? She was bitter about this situation, and with good reasons... But I could see why she wouldn't want this to be her last memory.

She never told me, but now I knew where she wanted to die... She was not the kind of romantic who'd just go look at the stars with her boyfriend for no reason. In our situation, she was probably limited when it comes to the "Last thing you want to do before you die" options, and that's what she came up with. I try not to let too much show on my face, but she's not even looking at me anyway; Even keeping her eyes open is hard for her, and she's probably saving her strengths. I don't really feel like crying, strangely. I've thought her dead so often lately, when I saw her sitting or laying somewhere with her eyes closed, her head loosely hanging in an unnatural position, her mouth half open; I never really knew whether she was still alive until I touched her, or she said something, knowing from my silence what I was thinking. She even morbidly dubbed herself a Schrödinger's Saki; Simultaneously alive and dead, until you take a closer look at her to figure out which state she's in. That she still paid enough attention in Mutou's class before her hospitalization to learn about this, was beyond me; I rarely even bother listening anymore, and my grades are falling pretty quickly. I just can't find any reason to care anymore.

I take a look at Saki, who's still resting on the bed, then I grab my keys and my pills. It's late at night and it's probably cold out there, so I put my jacket on. Wouldn't want to catch something, right? I laugh bitterly to myself. I help Saki get dressed up, or rather, I dress her up myself. There's no way around this, but I know she hates that; It makes her feel useless, like a child who needs me to care for her every need. It's either me or the nurse though, and the nurse would just make everything complicated; What if she asks why Saki needs to be dressed up so warmly at this time? What if she calls a doctor upon seeing how bad she is? What if they bring her in yet another pointless observation room, and they rob her of the stars on her last night? No, it has to be me... And Saki knows this too and doesn't protest. That, or she's just too weak to protest.

When we're ready, I take a quick look outside the room, see if there's anyone around; Thankfully, the hallway is deserted. I take a wheelchair and bring it to her room, and help Saki sit on it, trying to position her so she looks as natural as possible... If we meet a nurse, we can only hope that first, she doesn't know Saki; Also, it needs not to look like I'm carrying a dying girl in the corridors instead of calling for help. It's a good thing we're not too far from the exit, and at this time with everyone sleeping, we don't meet anyone until we get to the reception. They don't seem to care too much about anything unless you specifically go to them, but I still position myself in a way to block their view of Saki as much as I can without looking too suspicious, and it works; They ignore us.

Now comes the hard part though; I can't take the wheelchair out, they're all equipped with anti-theft devices. Lacking the authorization to borrow one, they'd be notified the second we're out, and would stop us before we're ten feet past the door. Carrying her in my arms in the hospital would look strange; Either I'm trying to kidnap her, or I'm carrying outside someone who definitely shouldn't be carried outside. They would do something in either case.

Hisao:'You're gonna have to help me here, Saki...'
Saki:'I know.'

We should've discussed it in her room, but she's a smart girl, she figured it out anyway. She can't trust her body anymore, but she still has her brain with her. She places her hands on the wheelchair to steady herself, preparing herself to stand up. That's our only shot now. If she can't stand - or worse, falls to the floor - it's over; They'll take her back in her room, and probably stop me from even visiting her anymore. But we both know we have to try it.

I turn the wheelchair away from the reception, so they can't see the expression of pain on her face as she struggles to lift herself from the chair. When she's up, I quickly grab her left arm and pass it around my neck, holding her up in a way that makes it look like she's the one holding onto me, while I'm basically dragging her around. Thankfully we only have a few feet to make, and they don't seem to care too much about us; They have to watch out for people trying to steal wheelchairs, but people running away with their dying girlfriend, they probably don't see this too often, so they don't expect it.

A couple feet past the door, whatever strength remained to Saki gives up entirely, she slips from my grasp and falls to the ground. I don't spend a second looking behind me to find out whether they saw us, and I just take her in my arms and carry her away, as far from the door and as fast as my legs allow. I was going by the normal exit path, but Saki objects;

Saki:'Hug... walls. Shadows. Seen... can't walk.'

With some effort, I decipher her broken sentence. She wants me to stay close to the walls, in the shadows. She doesn't think she'd be able to walk, or even 'pretend-walk' again if someone saw us. This is going to be much longer this way... But she's right. Less risk. Even now she seems smarter than me; I'm not sure whether I should be happy or sad that her brain is still fine... If she was out of it, if she passed out, her last moments could be less painful. But there's nothing to get by dwelling on this, and I keep going, making sure to stay well hidden from people, and cars as well; We never know if one of these cars would be one of her doctors, plus, who knows if a good Samaritan wouldn't offer to help, but take her back inside upon realizing how bad she really is.

It takes us half an hour to get out of the hospital's parking lot at the slow walking pace I get carrying Saki and stopping at every passing car, but we make it. It's only the first part of our trip though, we're not on anywhere near that hill yet, it's a long road ahead. But it's worth it; It's a nice place, with no paved roads around so no cars, and at night, no sound. I can see why she choose this place for her final farewell. Truth be told, I don't see myself making it that far... But what other options do we have? Going back to the hospital? I put a foot in front of the other... Then another one. And another one. It's a good thing my mind is occupied with thoughts of Saki, of the heavy significance of today, about life and death, about a million different things at once; Sometimes I get lost in my thoughts, and when I come back to my sense, I realize we walked fifty feet, a hundred feet without me noticing.

After a while though, I feel my arms giving up. I never was in good shape, not since my heart attack anyway, but it's even worse now. And as light as Saki is, it's still too heavy for me to carry all the way without a rest. I search for an area that looks comfortable and out of sight, then I gently lay her on the ground. Only then, does she open her eyes, and realizes we're not on the hill;

Saki:'What... are we doing?'

She seems to have a little more strength now, she can form a full sentence at least, even if her talking and breathing sound worse than before.

Hisao:'Just resting my arms. We'll keep going in a minute.'

Even in our dire situation, I fully expected her to go with her usual line here, about not having a minute... But she doesn't. She doesn't reply anything and simply waits for me to either say something else, or to be ready to walk again. My arms don't seem to get any better, even after five, ten minutes now, so I decide to keep going anyway.

Hisao:'I'm gonna carry you on my back.'
Saki:'Piggyback ride, yay!'

I'm stunned not only by her enthusiasm, even as a joke, but about the fact that she used three words for something inessential. I don't expect her sudden boost of energy to be that much more, she's probably not able to come on my back herself, so I kneel next to her, and pull her upward until she's in the right position, and I stand up, holding her legs in my arms. This way, my whole body is carrying her, and not just my arms; Easier for me. The downside is, it's not exactly stable when she's not holding herself, and she falls to the side before I'm even standing straight, and hits the ground.

Hisao:'Damn, sorry... you okay?'
Saki:'Don't... worry. Don't feel anything... anymore.'

I'm glad I didn't hurt her, but this pains me to hear... She's getting worse, fast. We need to start walking again if we want any hope of reaching our destination in time. I want to do it for her. I can do this, at least.

Hisao:'We'll try again. If I move your arms around my neck, can you hold onto me like that?'

She doesn't say anything for a moment, and I wonder if she's fallen asleep or... worse. But eventually, I see some movement in the fingers of her right hand, and she speaks up;

Saki:'No.'

No explanation, not that it was needed. The barely perceptible movement I just saw in her fingers was probably the most her strength allowed.

Saki:'Tie me.'

In other circumstances, this would've been pleasing to hear. In fact, I'm pretty sure she uttered these exact words, a long time ago, in a very different context; Now though... I don't want to waste even more time, so I begin undoing her belt; I didn't put mine on to come to the hospital, and other than that, I can't think of anything to use. I ponder tying her wrists in front of me, or tying us together, back to chest. I go with the latter because I fear tying her wrists might cut her already weak blood circulation. It may be silly to worry about this, considering what we're doing exactly, but I can't help it. So I tie us both together, hoping the belt is strong enough not to break when she inevitably falls, on one side or the other.

Hisao:'All set?'

She doesn't say anything, and I stand up. Right away, she seems to be falling to the left, but thankfully, the belt holds, long enough for me to address this by balancing on the other side. I start walking again, in silence. We're on the road now, or rather, on the side of the road. No other way around, but it shouldn't be long before the road ends, and we're free to walk in fields and forests as we like. A car passes us, with a kid in the back seat pointing at us through the window, laughing. He obviously can't see that she's tied to me, or that she's so weak she can't even walk; For all he knows, I'm just some guy carrying his girlfriend around for fun.

This is when I feel the first tear come out, from my right eye. I brush it off quickly with one hand, pretending I was just scratching myself, so Saki doesn't know. It was all in vain, I don't think she even noticed I wasn't holding her left leg for a few seconds.

I hope we don't meet anyone on foot... At this point I'm not even thinking about having to go back to the hospital, I'm just aware of what a sad sight we would be to anyone seeing us from up close; Me breathing heavily, eyes welling up, about to cry... With a frail, dying girl on my back, tied to me, her arms hanging loosely on the side of her body. I try to get myself to avoid these thoughts, not to pity us, but they keep coming.

About halfway to the hill my legs start hurting, and I feel my heart racing. I expected it to happen sooner or later in this situation, so I walk away from the road again to get a bit of rest. In my movements, Saki's body is unbalanced and slips to the side. I try to crouch, move the opposite way, but it's too late; The belt buckle snaps, and she falls again. I curse this day in my mind, this planet, this life... This whole universe that seems to conspire against us to make everything a misery. The tears are flowing freely now, and I don't bother wiping them off my face. It doesn't even matter. Nothing matters. I try to fix the belt, to make some kind of knot so I can use it again, but Saki opens her eyes, looks at me and around us, trying to understand the situation, my reaction, everything.

Saki:'That tree. There. Nice.'

I look around, trying to guess where she's looking at, and find a large tree, fifty feet away from us. I look at Saki again, waiting for her to continue, but she closes her eyes and adds nothing more. I think I understand anyway; She didn't speak four words, in her state, just to mention how nice a random tree was; She wants to go there. I'm not sure whether she wants to go there because she knows I'm struggling, or... does she feel it coming? Does she know she won't last until we get to the hill?

I don't feel like asking, so I only carry her in my arms. One last effort. Still makes my heart race, and makes me realize how out of shape I am. I tried getting back in shape... Running with Emi, taking walks, that sort of stuff. Running wasn't for me, I think... and the walks didn't change much. I always feel so weak. What's the point doing exercise if it doesn't make you any better? Just a little less worse? I remember saying something similar to Rin, what feels like a lifetime ago; I'm reminded of the pills in my pockets. Didn't do much either, did they?

Ah well. We're almost done... Just a little bit more. We eventually get to the tree. I have no idea how Saki wants to be, so I place her in a sitting position, with her back resting on the tree. I take a look at the night's sky, but the tree's branches and leaves deny us the view. I can't see any stars. I consider moving somewhere else, but Saki's eyes are closed anyway... Wouldn't really matter. I ponder asking her how she is, but that's stupid. And she'd probably tell me she's good, anyway. I try to come up with something else, but can't find anything. To my surprise, Saki's the one breaking the silence;

Saki:'Letter. Pocket.'

She didn't open her eyes. Hell, she almost didn't even open her mouth; I barely heard the words. Not wanting to waste any time, I reach into her pockets, until I find a small, folded piece of paper. I open it and recognize her writing style, and while the words are hard to read, I can manage, which means she probably wrote it a while ago; She couldn't write anything like that today. Or anything at all. Not wanting to waste more time, I read it;

"If you read these words, you know I'm dying. Or dead already, if I couldn't make it. If I asked you to bring me to see the stars and you did, thank you. There is one other thing I must ask you though.

If there's an afterlife, I will watch you from above. Take some time to mourn me. A few weeks. Months maybe? If I see you in some slut's arms in a week, I'll haunt you."

I look at Saki, stupidly expecting her to smile, but she's not moving at all, so I keep reading.

"But after that, I want you to be happy. To keep going, to keep fighting. You've been miserable these past few weeks, and part of this is about me, I know. But I think some of it is about yourself. You are not dying, Hisao, not now anyway. You need to get yourself back together. To try to live again. To be with people again. I wish I could speak those words to you, I know I could make you understand. I remember when I could talk to you, and I mean real conversations. I remember when I could make you laugh as well. I want you to look for that. I want you to laugh again someday, even if it's not with me."

I look at her once more, feeling tears coming again. I feel terrible, and I'm afraid to keep on reading, fearing what's coming... but I must.

"This is what I ask of you. Promise me you will not give up. Promise me you will not give into despair. Promise me you will be happy again someday.
I love you.
Saki"

I fold the letter back and let myself cry for a moment, feeling horrible, disgusted about this situation, about Saki dying, about me, about all of this... I come sit next to saki, facing her. She's not moving, but I didn't expect her to; I give her a kiss on the forehead and linger there a moment, crying again.

Hisao:'I love you too, Saki.'
Saki:'Not...Dead yet, idiot.'

I can't help but laugh at that, but the tears won't stop flowing, and I'm left laughing and crying at the same time, which feels surreal, to say the least.
I eventually calm down, and Saki looks like she wants to say something, but has trouble opening her mouth.

Saki:'Pr...Pro...ss'

It's not the first time I've seen her not being able to speak properly, and I've gotten used to decipher her words, but I can't do it this time, so she has to repeat herself, which seems to take a lot of efforts from her.

Saki:'PROMISE'

She almost yelled it this time, but the weird face she made right after confirms what I thought; She really shouldn't make efforts like that. I can see her drool heavily from the side of her mouth, and I wipe it with my finger pointlessly, as it keeps going. I don't want to leave her waiting though, or to force her to repeat herself again... I turn slightly away, as to not look her in the eyes, even if hers are closed;

Hisao:'I promise, Saki.'

I let a few seconds pass, then I kiss her on the top of her head, and tell her again that I love her. And again. And again. She didn't speak any words afterward... Didn't ever reply to me telling her I loved her. Didn't react to my kisses either.

After an hour or two - left my watch in my room, hard to keep track of time - I feel her getting colder every time I touch her, and I'm left to wonder when she passed exactly... When did I start telling Saki's corpse I loved her, and not to Saki's living soul?

I take a look around - as much as I can, surrounded by darkness. Not a car in sight, not any pedestrian either. Not a sound to hear, not anything moving. It feels like the world died with her. There's nothing else to it, she was carrying the world, and now she isn't. At the very least, she was carrying my world; And my world died with her.

She wants me to keep going. To meet people. To live. But what is there to live for, with her gone, with my heart? How long would I have, until it gives up?

I don't want to die in a hospital either, Saki.
I don't want to make another person, be it a friend, a girlfriend, feel like I feel today.
How long do I have until I need to ask a girl to carry me on the hill so I can look at the stars? You couldn't even look at them. I hope you can see the stars from where you are, Saki. I couldn't bring you on the hill, I'm sorry for that. For that and for everything else. I only wanted you to be happy. I'm sorry. I hope you can forgive me.

I sit like Saki with my back to the tree, then I pull her to me so she's sitting on my lap, I hold her in my arms, letting her head rest on my shoulder. I let a moment pass, then I reach into my pocket for my pills. I take a good look at the bottles, then throw them away. Thirty hours since I last took them, it shouldn't be much longer. Last time I had an episode when I forgot my pills, took less than a day. I brought the pills with me in case I changed my mind... But I don't see any reason to. I'm just tired. I don't have the strength to fight anymore. In this way and many other ways, Saki and I completed each other; I made up, or tried to make up for the physical strength she lost due to her condition, and she made up for the mental strength I lost with mine, giving in to depression. With her gone... There's nothing keeping me going. And nothing worth going for, anyway.

I look up again and see a single, bright star through the branches. I wonder if Saki can see it. Or maybe that star is Saki, watching me from above.

Are you watching me, Saki? If you are, if there really is an afterlife... I'm sorry. So terribly sorry. But there's nothing left here, for me and my weak heart.
I didn't find it in me to keep going without you. Maybe you can find it in you to forgive me.

I love you, Saki. Hope to meet you again, someday.