Eng I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry

1
00:01:14,706 --> 00:01:16,230
We're cleaning
the house, baby.

2
00:01:17,108 --> 00:01:19,042
Pick him up.
I got him. I got him.

3
00:01:20,278 --> 00:01:21,336
Yeah!

4
00:01:21,413 --> 00:01:22,641
Nice shot.
He got lucky.

5
00:01:22,714 --> 00:01:24,648
Nice pass. Here we go. Ball.

6
00:01:25,016 --> 00:01:26,347
I got him.

7
00:01:26,885 --> 00:01:28,182
Don't let him shoot it!

8
00:01:29,454 --> 00:01:31,422
Come on, come on!
Put it up, Chuck!

9
00:01:31,489 --> 00:01:34,356
Oh, yeah. Chuck, my man.
All day, all day!

10
00:01:35,427 --> 00:01:36,587
Yeah, Tony!

11
00:01:36,661 --> 00:01:37,992
Tony, tag him.

12
00:01:38,530 --> 00:01:39,656
Good steal.

13
00:01:39,731 --> 00:01:40,959
Take the ball. Take the ball.

14
00:01:41,032 --> 00:01:42,032
Come on!

15
00:01:42,367 --> 00:01:43,493
Yeah!

16
00:01:44,269 --> 00:01:45,930
Come on, come on. Come on.

17
00:01:46,972 --> 00:01:48,269
Feel the power!

18
00:01:48,340 --> 00:01:49,398
Foul! Foul!

19
00:01:49,474 --> 00:01:50,566
That wasn't a foul.

20
00:01:50,642 --> 00:01:52,041
Chuck!
Shoot. That's it!

21
00:01:52,110 --> 00:01:53,805
Chuck!
Shoot it, man!

22
00:01:54,446 --> 00:01:57,176
Chuck! Chuck!
I need to talk to you!

23
00:01:57,682 --> 00:02:00,810
Hey, Darla, what's the matter with you?
You sound so upset.

24
00:02:00,885 --> 00:02:04,252
You slept with my twin sister on Saturday.
That's why I'm so upset!

25
00:02:04,322 --> 00:02:05,687
How do you know
for sure it wasn't you?

26
00:02:05,757 --> 00:02:07,554
'Cause I wasn't there.

27
00:02:07,626 --> 00:02:09,321
It sure looked like
you were there to me.

28
00:02:09,394 --> 00:02:10,725
Oh, he's dead.

29
00:02:10,795 --> 00:02:13,889
Come on, let's figure this out together.
This is a tricky situation.

30
00:02:13,965 --> 00:02:16,433
Do me a favor. Say, "Oh, Chuck,
keep buttering my biscuit."

31
00:02:16,501 --> 00:02:17,525
Get out of here.

32
00:02:17,602 --> 00:02:20,435
No, I'm trying to do detective work here,
so we can both be happy.

33
00:02:20,505 --> 00:02:22,996
I'm confused, too.
I feel violated!

34
00:02:23,341 --> 00:02:27,471
Chuck, keep buttering
my biscuit.

35
00:02:27,979 --> 00:02:29,879
You're right, that wasn't you.

36
00:02:29,948 --> 00:02:31,643
You are such a loser, Chuck!

37
00:02:31,716 --> 00:02:33,047
Let it go, Darla.

38
00:02:33,118 --> 00:02:34,380
Hey, look who's here.

39
00:02:34,452 --> 00:02:37,046
He has moved up
from Marshalls to Bloomingdale's.

40
00:02:37,122 --> 00:02:39,682
He didn't even know
it was you that night, Donna!

41
00:02:39,758 --> 00:02:41,158
That's a joke!
He thought it was me!

42
00:02:41,192 --> 00:02:42,284
He knew it wasn't you

43
00:02:42,360 --> 00:02:44,521
because you would never do
half the freaky stuff that we did!

44
00:02:44,596 --> 00:02:45,893
Don't tell me I don't know
how to satisfy a man!

45
00:02:45,964 --> 00:02:47,124
You show up here in your...

46
00:02:47,198 --> 00:02:48,563
You shut your mouth,
you fat-ass!

47
00:02:49,267 --> 00:02:50,894
Whoa, whoa.
Hey, girls, look, come on.

48
00:02:50,969 --> 00:02:53,028
Now, don't fight, you two.
You're sisters.

49
00:02:53,104 --> 00:02:54,465
Give each other a kiss
and make up.

50
00:02:54,506 --> 00:02:57,669
You're the only sisters you got.
Use your tongues.

51
00:02:57,742 --> 00:02:59,073
You dare us to?

52
00:02:59,144 --> 00:03:01,510
Unless that's too freaky
for Darla over here.

53
00:03:01,846 --> 00:03:06,408
You'd be surprised
just how freaky I can get.

54
00:03:06,718 --> 00:03:09,812
I'm sorry,
right now you gotta prove it to me.

55
00:03:09,888 --> 00:03:12,015
Come forward. That's right.

56
00:03:17,696 --> 00:03:18,924
Saved by the bell, girls.
Yeah.

57
00:03:20,098 --> 00:03:22,498
Hear the bell, gentlemen?
Let's go! Time to make a living!

58
00:03:22,567 --> 00:03:24,933
Somewhere something is burning!

59
00:03:30,575 --> 00:03:31,667
What we got?

60
00:03:31,743 --> 00:03:34,507
<i>Both companies, first due,
phone alarm. Prospect Place...</i>

61
00:03:34,579 --> 00:03:38,174
Larry, Larry, let's go.
All right, somebody call Larry a cab.

62
00:03:38,249 --> 00:03:39,546
Shut up.

63
00:03:39,651 --> 00:03:40,879
Fat-ass!

64
00:03:44,556 --> 00:03:47,719
Chuck, you said you were gonna
sign Mr. February for me!

65
00:03:47,792 --> 00:03:50,317
I will. I just gotta go
save the city first.

66
00:03:50,395 --> 00:03:51,516
I'll call you!
I'll call you!

67
00:03:51,529 --> 00:03:52,757
No, I'm gonna call him!

68
00:03:52,831 --> 00:03:54,264
No, I'm gonna call him!

69
00:03:58,837 --> 00:04:00,429
Hey, who's this guy?

70
00:04:00,505 --> 00:04:03,906
He's a transfer from Engine
Company 12. Name's Duncan.

71
00:04:03,975 --> 00:04:06,034
They say he put his captain
through a wall.

72
00:04:06,111 --> 00:04:07,339
For what?

73
00:04:07,412 --> 00:04:09,277
Don't know.
Don't want to know.

74
00:04:09,347 --> 00:04:11,611
And my advice,
don't ask him.

75
00:04:12,083 --> 00:04:13,380
Hey, you.

76
00:04:14,219 --> 00:04:18,121
My friend Karl here says
you're an ax murderer. Is that true?

77
00:04:18,556 --> 00:04:21,389
See, you're wrong, Karl.
This is Karl, by the way.

78
00:04:21,459 --> 00:04:25,225
He lives at 845 Rutland Road,
Apartment 4C. Right?

79
00:04:40,311 --> 00:04:41,869
Four floors fully involved.

80
00:04:41,946 --> 00:04:43,586
Be nice to have
some more ladders up here.

81
00:04:43,648 --> 00:04:44,672
Going in alive.

82
00:04:44,749 --> 00:04:46,740
Coming out the same way.
Let's go.

83
00:04:47,051 --> 00:04:48,643
Help me!

84
00:04:48,720 --> 00:04:51,484
Please! My son is up there!

85
00:04:51,556 --> 00:04:52,580
- My baby!
- All right.

86
00:04:52,657 --> 00:04:53,749
All right, all right,
we'll get your baby.

87
00:04:53,825 --> 00:04:54,814
Bernie!
We'll get your baby.

88
00:04:54,893 --> 00:04:56,690
- My baby Bernie! Please!
- Calm down, calm down.

89
00:04:56,761 --> 00:04:57,801
- Please!
- It's all right.

90
00:04:59,097 --> 00:05:01,177
Chuck, you got the keys. Use them.
You got it, Chief.

91
00:05:01,199 --> 00:05:02,530
All right.

92
00:05:04,369 --> 00:05:06,064
Thing's a pain in my ass.

93
00:05:08,239 --> 00:05:09,536
It's open.

94
00:05:09,607 --> 00:05:10,904
Show off.

95
00:05:13,545 --> 00:05:16,013
Bernie! Bernie!

96
00:05:16,080 --> 00:05:17,513
I'm up here!

97
00:05:17,582 --> 00:05:18,708
Hang in there, little man!

98
00:05:18,783 --> 00:05:20,250
Hurry!

99
00:05:20,318 --> 00:05:21,478
Up the stairs.

100
00:05:21,553 --> 00:05:22,577
Let me hear that voice!

101
00:05:22,654 --> 00:05:23,854
I'm up here in my room!

102
00:05:23,855 --> 00:05:25,482
All right, try and stay calm.
Come on.

103
00:05:32,096 --> 00:05:33,927
Where you at, buddy?
Hey!

104
00:05:33,998 --> 00:05:35,329
Let's hear that voice!

105
00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:37,129
I'm over here!

106
00:05:41,639 --> 00:05:44,164
All right, let's find a new way in.

107
00:05:47,912 --> 00:05:49,106
Help me.

108
00:05:51,249 --> 00:05:52,443
Yes!

109
00:05:52,684 --> 00:05:54,345
All right, all right.

110
00:05:54,419 --> 00:05:56,353
Oh, thank God!

111
00:05:56,421 --> 00:05:58,446
Holy Shamu.

112
00:05:58,523 --> 00:06:01,083
I'm sorry.
I can't get out of bed.

113
00:06:01,159 --> 00:06:02,683
There's a bed under there?

114
00:06:02,760 --> 00:06:04,455
Can you walk at all?

115
00:06:04,529 --> 00:06:06,360
I haven't walked
in five years!

116
00:06:06,431 --> 00:06:09,423
All right, maybe if we strap a rocket ship
on this guy, we'll get him out of here.

117
00:06:09,500 --> 00:06:12,333
No, no, we can do this. People lift cars.
It's adrenaline, you know?

118
00:06:12,403 --> 00:06:14,530
Well, cars.
This guy's more like a freaking minivan.

119
00:06:14,606 --> 00:06:16,574
Hey, buddy, we're gonna help you
out of here. Come on.

120
00:06:16,641 --> 00:06:17,972
- How's my mom?
- Your ma?

121
00:06:18,042 --> 00:06:20,875
If she survived the birthing process,
nothing's gonna take her down.

122
00:06:20,945 --> 00:06:22,435
So, what, just grab a side,
Chuck, come on.

123
00:06:22,513 --> 00:06:23,639
Get a side there.
What do you mean, get him?

124
00:06:23,715 --> 00:06:24,739
What are we gonna do here?
Come on, just...

125
00:06:24,816 --> 00:06:26,613
Come on. Come on!
We can't budge this fatso.

126
00:06:26,684 --> 00:06:28,675
I know, let me chop him up.
We'll take him down in pieces.

127
00:06:28,753 --> 00:06:29,753
What?
I'm kidding you.

128
00:06:29,821 --> 00:06:31,584
We gotta hurry up here. Let's go.
All right, all right.

129
00:06:31,656 --> 00:06:32,680
Just grab the back of our coats.

130
00:06:32,757 --> 00:06:34,520
Turn around, Chuck. Grab the back.
Okay. All right.

131
00:06:34,592 --> 00:06:37,220
Hey, hey, did you start this fire
by lighting one of your farts?

132
00:06:37,295 --> 00:06:38,319
That's funny.

133
00:06:38,396 --> 00:06:39,988
Hold on to our coats.
Hold on. Start running!

134
00:06:40,064 --> 00:06:41,088
Go!

135
00:06:47,338 --> 00:06:48,566
Go!

136
00:06:53,711 --> 00:06:55,474
I'm running, Mama!

137
00:06:55,546 --> 00:06:57,138
I'm running like the wind!

138
00:06:57,215 --> 00:06:59,240
Slow down! Slow down!

139
00:07:05,657 --> 00:07:06,885
Mama!

140
00:07:19,337 --> 00:07:21,862
Chuck! Chuck,
are you all right?

141
00:07:25,777 --> 00:07:26,903
Thank God.

142
00:07:35,653 --> 00:07:40,056
Oh, my God! Oh, sweet Lord.
Broccoli. Oh, my God!

143
00:07:42,393 --> 00:07:45,328
They saved me, those two.
Yeah, they're my heroes.

144
00:07:45,396 --> 00:07:46,829
I like you. I love you!

145
00:07:46,898 --> 00:07:49,594
Oh, get me a hero!
I'm starving!

146
00:07:49,667 --> 00:07:51,726
Oh, get me out of here!
Bring me to a deli!

147
00:07:51,803 --> 00:07:53,168
So, how are the kids doing?

148
00:07:53,237 --> 00:07:55,228
Oh, Tori, she's great, man.

149
00:07:55,306 --> 00:07:57,866
She's playing soccer,
scoring goals.

150
00:07:57,976 --> 00:07:59,568
- It's awesome.
- My man Eric?

151
00:07:59,811 --> 00:08:01,335
Is he starting
Little League yet?

152
00:08:01,412 --> 00:08:04,973
Yeah. I don't think
that's happening.

153
00:08:05,283 --> 00:08:06,443
Why not?

154
00:08:06,584 --> 00:08:11,521
<i>♪ May, me, my, mo, mo ♪
♪ Mo, me, my, mo, may. ♪</i>

155
00:08:11,589 --> 00:08:13,580
Okay, Eric? That's enough.

156
00:08:13,658 --> 00:08:15,148
Sit down
and get ready for dinner.

157
00:08:15,226 --> 00:08:16,420
Okay.

158
00:08:16,494 --> 00:08:19,895
Dad, you smell like smoke.
Did you put out a fire?

159
00:08:20,398 --> 00:08:22,161
I wasn't roasting
marshmallows.

160
00:08:22,233 --> 00:08:24,793
- That's so cool.
- You're so cool.

161
00:08:26,704 --> 00:08:27,904
Could you help me out, Teresa,

162
00:08:27,939 --> 00:08:29,839
and just grab that spaghetti sauce
out of the microwave?

163
00:08:29,907 --> 00:08:31,431
No. I have sub-train.

164
00:08:31,509 --> 00:08:32,601
Would you please?

165
00:08:32,677 --> 00:08:35,168
I just need a hand.
I don't really know what I'm doing here.

166
00:08:35,246 --> 00:08:37,806
Is last train for 15 minutes.

167
00:08:38,983 --> 00:08:41,781
All right, you can go.
Oh, God.

168
00:08:44,122 --> 00:08:45,453
Oh, God.

169
00:08:52,730 --> 00:08:55,597
There we are, Bolognese.

170
00:08:55,666 --> 00:08:57,896
Looks more like bowl of shit.

171
00:08:57,969 --> 00:09:00,437
Yeah, thanks for all
your help, Teresa.

172
00:09:00,505 --> 00:09:04,908
Okay, guys, so what is new?

173
00:09:04,976 --> 00:09:08,070
<i>I'm auditioning
for the school musical, Pippin.</i>

174
00:09:08,613 --> 00:09:13,243
You... You like that, huh?
The musical thing.

175
00:09:13,317 --> 00:09:16,047
Yeah, I love it.
I think it's my calling.

176
00:09:16,254 --> 00:09:18,119
That's what you said
about hopscotch.

177
00:09:18,189 --> 00:09:21,249
You're just jealous
'cause I can do the splits.

178
00:09:25,930 --> 00:09:28,023
Isn't that supposed
to hurt his testicles?

179
00:09:28,099 --> 00:09:29,191
Yes.

180
00:09:29,267 --> 00:09:30,307
You, don't talk like that.

181
00:09:30,334 --> 00:09:32,894
You, get back in your chair
and finish your hot dog salad.

182
00:09:33,137 --> 00:09:35,367
<i>...guy really
wants to take the ball every day,</i>

183
00:09:35,440 --> 00:09:37,101
<i>and going right back
out there.</i>

184
00:09:37,175 --> 00:09:38,870
<i>And hits one
to deep left field!</i>

185
00:09:38,943 --> 00:09:41,434
<i>Dunn back,
and it's out of here!</i>

186
00:09:41,512 --> 00:09:44,310
<i>And the Mets now have
a six to two lead.</i>

187
00:09:44,816 --> 00:09:45,816
Oh, boy.

188
00:09:47,985 --> 00:09:49,043
Brownies are ready.

189
00:09:49,120 --> 00:09:50,747
Would you stop using
my Easy-Bake Oven?

190
00:09:50,822 --> 00:09:52,483
But I like to bake.

191
00:09:52,557 --> 00:09:53,581
Guys, would you settle?

192
00:09:53,658 --> 00:09:55,378
Eric, why don't you watch
the Met game, huh?

193
00:09:55,393 --> 00:09:57,418
<i>Welcome to the Municipal
Employee and Planning Department.</i>

194
00:09:57,495 --> 00:09:58,655
<i>Please tell me your name.</i>

195
00:09:58,729 --> 00:10:01,027
Larry Valentine.

196
00:10:01,099 --> 00:10:03,567
<i>I'm sorry,
I didn't quite get that.</i>

197
00:10:03,634 --> 00:10:06,228
Larry Valentine.

198
00:10:06,838 --> 00:10:09,932
<i>You said, "Barry Schmalenpime."
Is that right?</i>

199
00:10:10,007 --> 00:10:11,565
Schmalenpime?

200
00:10:11,642 --> 00:10:13,667
<i>You said, "Schmalenpime."
Is that right?</i>

201
00:10:13,744 --> 00:10:15,769
I was enunciating.

202
00:10:15,847 --> 00:10:18,213
<i>You said, "I was enunciating."
Is that right?</i>

203
00:10:18,282 --> 00:10:19,306
Whoo!

204
00:10:19,383 --> 00:10:22,045
<i>You said, "Whoo!"
Is that right?</i>

205
00:10:22,120 --> 00:10:25,385
Dad, you have to try my brownies.
They're fabulous!

206
00:10:26,724 --> 00:10:29,659
Enough with the splits!
Watch baseball!

207
00:10:33,331 --> 00:10:37,199
Then it took 45 minutes
for this robot to stop calling me "Dairy."

208
00:10:37,268 --> 00:10:39,702
And then it starts asking me
if I'm calling from "Gooklyn."

209
00:10:39,770 --> 00:10:43,331
Look, all I'm trying to do is change
my beneficiary from my wife to my kids.

210
00:10:43,407 --> 00:10:46,774
Okay, you would have to file
a request to do that.

211
00:10:47,411 --> 00:10:49,140
Great. Let's do it.

212
00:10:49,747 --> 00:10:50,839
That's gonna take a while.

213
00:10:51,482 --> 00:10:53,202
Look, lady, I don't have a while,
all right?

214
00:10:53,217 --> 00:10:55,276
I'm a fireman.
I could die tomorrow.

215
00:10:55,820 --> 00:10:58,846
I guess if that happened,
you would be burned.

216
00:10:59,557 --> 00:11:00,757
Are you trying
to make a funny?

217
00:11:00,758 --> 00:11:02,692
Sort of.

218
00:11:03,528 --> 00:11:06,929
Anyhooser, beneficiaries can only be
changed for three events.

219
00:11:06,998 --> 00:11:08,625
Births, deaths and marriages.

220
00:11:08,699 --> 00:11:12,135
According to our records, we did
contact you when your wife passed away.

221
00:11:12,203 --> 00:11:15,263
You had a year.
You should have responded.

222
00:11:15,773 --> 00:11:18,674
Like a crazy person,
I was busy mourning the death of my wife.

223
00:11:19,710 --> 00:11:21,439
Off the record.

224
00:11:21,512 --> 00:11:23,639
I could suggest something
that's a little more simple

225
00:11:23,714 --> 00:11:26,774
and perhaps more fulfilling
to speed things up.

226
00:11:26,851 --> 00:11:29,012
That would be great.
What do... What do you got?

227
00:11:29,086 --> 00:11:30,485
Should you remarry,

228
00:11:30,555 --> 00:11:34,616
your new wife at that time
could be named your primary beneficiary.

229
00:11:34,692 --> 00:11:37,320
So if there's somebody special
in your life,

230
00:11:37,395 --> 00:11:41,024
I mean, who knows,
maybe even someone you just met,

231
00:11:41,098 --> 00:11:43,828
and you are ready
to make a commitment,

232
00:11:45,136 --> 00:11:46,296
maybe now's the time.

233
00:11:50,841 --> 00:11:52,365
Let's go crazy.

234
00:12:10,194 --> 00:12:12,025
Look how pretty she is.

235
00:12:12,096 --> 00:12:13,723
- Going in alive.
- Coming out the same way.

236
00:12:13,798 --> 00:12:14,856
All right, baby.

237
00:12:14,932 --> 00:12:16,024
Come on, bud.

238
00:12:20,104 --> 00:12:22,698
Levine, Valentine,
can we finish this secondary search

239
00:12:22,773 --> 00:12:24,741
so I can get home to my wife
and be denied sex?

240
00:12:24,809 --> 00:12:26,970
Yeah. Absolutely.

241
00:12:30,514 --> 00:12:32,505
So he's auditioning for a musical?

242
00:12:32,583 --> 00:12:34,175
<i>Yeah, Pippin.</i>

243
00:12:34,252 --> 00:12:36,720
<i>Pippen? That ain't so bad.
Is it about Scottie Pippen?</i>

244
00:12:36,787 --> 00:12:39,483
I don't know.
He practices singing a lot.

245
00:12:39,557 --> 00:12:41,149
Hey, Sinatra sang a lot.

246
00:12:41,225 --> 00:12:42,817
Yeah, that's true.

247
00:12:42,893 --> 00:12:43,917
Better than dancing.

248
00:12:43,995 --> 00:12:47,055
Yeah, it's just when I was his age,
all I did was sports, you know?

249
00:12:47,131 --> 00:12:50,294
Maybe they'll make skipping
an Olympic event. There's still hope.

250
00:12:50,368 --> 00:12:51,801
Come on, man,
I don't have enough problems?

251
00:12:51,869 --> 00:12:53,734
Baton swallowing.
I bet he'd be great at that.

252
00:12:53,804 --> 00:12:55,362
Yeah. You're an idiot.

253
00:12:55,439 --> 00:12:57,031
I'm just busting your balls.
Come on.

254
00:12:57,108 --> 00:13:00,134
Ladder 223, roof.
Secondary search negative.

255
00:13:00,211 --> 00:13:01,735
Going upstairs.

256
00:13:01,812 --> 00:13:04,042
At least the whole pension thing's
working out for you, buddy.

257
00:13:04,115 --> 00:13:06,174
Yeah. Hey, you know what?
Why don't you come back down here?

258
00:13:06,250 --> 00:13:08,582
I'll stick this pole up your ass,
turn you into a lollipop.

259
00:13:08,653 --> 00:13:10,314
You talking to me or your son?

260
00:13:10,388 --> 00:13:12,879
Get down here now!
I'll give you an ass-beating!

261
00:13:12,957 --> 00:13:14,686
I will destroy you!

262
00:13:18,596 --> 00:13:21,895
Hey, Larry, good news.
I found you something to eat.

263
00:13:22,466 --> 00:13:23,990
Cool, man.
I will devour that.

264
00:13:24,068 --> 00:13:25,092
You what?

265
00:13:25,169 --> 00:13:27,433
All right, I'll give you 1,000 bucks
you eat this thing's head.

266
00:13:27,505 --> 00:13:30,668
For 1,000 bucks, I'll start at the ass
and work my way to the head.

267
00:13:30,741 --> 00:13:31,935
This I gotta see, baby.

268
00:13:32,009 --> 00:13:33,101
Come on.

269
00:13:33,177 --> 00:13:34,508
Nothing but net.

270
00:13:34,578 --> 00:13:35,636
Here you go, buddy.

271
00:13:37,048 --> 00:13:38,276
Chuck!

272
00:13:39,050 --> 00:13:41,018
Larry!
Chuck!

273
00:13:41,085 --> 00:13:44,543
Mayday! Mayday!
Ladder 223, firefighter down.

274
00:13:44,622 --> 00:13:47,284
Holy shit!
I dropped the rat, dude.

275
00:13:47,358 --> 00:13:49,417
We'll have to do that
another time.

276
00:13:49,493 --> 00:13:52,223
That's all right, buddy.
Just relax. Stay calm.

277
00:13:53,964 --> 00:13:56,592
This thing's gonna break, man.
Get the hell out of here!

278
00:13:56,667 --> 00:14:00,535
No! Hey, man, we came in alive,
we're going out the same way. Come on!

279
00:14:00,604 --> 00:14:02,231
No! No!

280
00:14:02,673 --> 00:14:03,935
I got you!

281
00:14:06,277 --> 00:14:08,074
We got them over here!

282
00:14:09,180 --> 00:14:10,613
Chuck! Come on, man.

283
00:14:10,681 --> 00:14:12,046
Heads up!
Chuck.

284
00:14:15,252 --> 00:14:18,244
Urgent! Urgent!
Two members down!

285
00:14:23,794 --> 00:14:25,159
Mr. Levine?

286
00:14:26,831 --> 00:14:28,298
Mr. Levine?

287
00:14:29,633 --> 00:14:31,658
Do you know where you are?

288
00:14:32,136 --> 00:14:35,196
Am I in a Mötley Crüe video?
'Cause you're hot.

289
00:14:36,841 --> 00:14:38,399
Honey, how's my buddy doing?

290
00:14:38,776 --> 00:14:40,038
Honey?

291
00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:44,471
We're expecting
a full recovery.

292
00:14:44,548 --> 00:14:47,642
And, Mr. Levine,
please address me as "Doctor."

293
00:14:48,285 --> 00:14:50,810
Dr. Honey.
Yeah, okay, you got it.

294
00:14:52,890 --> 00:14:55,882
Chuck. What's going on, man?

295
00:14:56,660 --> 00:14:58,560
Brace yourself, Larry.

296
00:14:59,029 --> 00:15:01,759
What I'm gonna tell you
is pretty rough.

297
00:15:02,299 --> 00:15:05,928
They removed your entire body.

298
00:15:06,804 --> 00:15:09,034
You're nothing but a head now.

299
00:15:09,840 --> 00:15:10,840
What?

300
00:15:10,908 --> 00:15:14,537
They said that there was enough fat
in your head to rebuild you a new body,

301
00:15:14,612 --> 00:15:17,206
so they got scientists in the other room
working on it.

302
00:15:17,281 --> 00:15:18,976
God willing,
you're gonna be all right.

303
00:15:19,049 --> 00:15:20,641
You know, you're such a dick.

304
00:15:20,718 --> 00:15:23,710
What's going on is
you saved my life, man.

305
00:15:23,788 --> 00:15:25,949
I would've died
if you didn't do what you did.

306
00:15:26,023 --> 00:15:27,957
Would you stop being
so melodramatic?

307
00:15:28,025 --> 00:15:30,425
No. I owe you.
That's the code.

308
00:15:30,494 --> 00:15:32,428
Whatever you want,
whenever you want it.

309
00:15:32,496 --> 00:15:33,986
Whatever, whenever.

310
00:15:34,632 --> 00:15:36,327
- Whatever?
- Yes.

311
00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:37,424
I'll take that rat.

312
00:15:37,501 --> 00:15:39,628
You want to find that rat for me?
'Cause I'm hungry as hell.

313
00:15:39,703 --> 00:15:41,534
Hi, Dad.
Eric.

314
00:15:41,605 --> 00:15:43,596
Tori. Hey, guys, come on in.

315
00:15:43,674 --> 00:15:44,902
They called me out of class,

316
00:15:44,975 --> 00:15:48,809
and nobody would tell me for, like,
a really long time what was wrong.

317
00:15:48,879 --> 00:15:50,039
Did you die?

318
00:15:50,114 --> 00:15:51,741
Oh, no, Daddy's fine, buddy.

319
00:15:51,816 --> 00:15:53,417
I could go home right now
if I wanted to.

320
00:15:53,451 --> 00:15:57,751
I'm only staying here because your
Uncle Chuck, he's afraid to sleep alone.

321
00:15:57,822 --> 00:16:00,950
It's true, Eric. If he don't sleep with me,
then I gotta sleep with Dr. Honey.

322
00:16:01,025 --> 00:16:04,517
And you never know with Dr. Honey
what kind of mood she's gonna be in.

323
00:16:04,595 --> 00:16:06,028
What are you, six years old?

324
00:16:06,096 --> 00:16:08,826
Hey, where you going? Come here.
Lay down next to me.

325
00:16:08,899 --> 00:16:11,333
I'll split a Vicodin with you.
We'll have some fun.

326
00:16:11,402 --> 00:16:13,131
Come on.
You little tease.

327
00:16:13,204 --> 00:16:15,138
Dr. Honey.
Dr. Honey.

328
00:16:15,206 --> 00:16:18,073
Sweetie, what's the matter?
Come here. It's okay.

329
00:16:18,142 --> 00:16:21,578
This is the same hospital.
You know. Mom.

330
00:16:27,952 --> 00:16:30,420
I'm not gonna leave you.
You hear me?

331
00:16:31,188 --> 00:16:32,450
I'm never gonna leave you.

332
00:16:36,794 --> 00:16:37,915
I'm quitting the department.

333
00:16:37,962 --> 00:16:39,429
Get out of here, man.

334
00:16:39,497 --> 00:16:42,955
No, Renaldo's cousin's got
an Acura dealership down in Trenton.

335
00:16:43,033 --> 00:16:45,160
You want to sell cars?
Acuras?

336
00:16:45,236 --> 00:16:46,430
I don't want to.

337
00:16:46,504 --> 00:16:49,234
Every time I run into a fire,
where's my head gonna be?

338
00:16:49,306 --> 00:16:52,207
I'm all my kids got left.
If I die...

339
00:16:53,978 --> 00:16:55,639
Just don't wanna
leave them with nothing.

340
00:16:55,713 --> 00:16:58,079
Your father was a fireman.
His father was a fireman.

341
00:16:58,148 --> 00:17:00,173
You are a fireman, man.

342
00:17:00,251 --> 00:17:04,312
One of the best Brooklyn's ever seen.
That's it. You can't do nothing else.

343
00:17:04,388 --> 00:17:06,049
I don't think I have
any other choice.

344
00:17:06,123 --> 00:17:07,988
We'll come up with something,
all right?

345
00:17:08,158 --> 00:17:09,455
Come on, I promise you.

346
00:17:09,527 --> 00:17:10,824
Oh, poor Charlie.

347
00:17:10,895 --> 00:17:12,226
Hey, there are my girls.

348
00:17:12,296 --> 00:17:14,230
- How are you? How you doing?
- Oh, my leg hurts.

349
00:17:14,298 --> 00:17:15,356
How are you feeling?

350
00:17:15,432 --> 00:17:16,558
My leg.

351
00:17:16,634 --> 00:17:18,192
Oh, God.
We got different lives.

352
00:17:18,269 --> 00:17:20,829
I need some help out of here.
All right, Chuck's doing all right.

353
00:17:20,871 --> 00:17:21,871
Let's get in here.

354
00:17:21,939 --> 00:17:23,668
Hey, who wants to massage
my ass muscles?

355
00:17:23,741 --> 00:17:24,862
- Me!
- Me!

356
00:17:53,671 --> 00:17:54,831
Larry.

357
00:17:55,072 --> 00:17:57,040
- What time is it?
- 4:00.

358
00:17:57,107 --> 00:17:59,632
I saved your life, and you said
you owed me. You remember that?

359
00:17:59,710 --> 00:18:00,710
Yeah, you saved my life.

360
00:18:00,778 --> 00:18:02,439
Then you got me out of bed
at 4:00 in the morning.

361
00:18:02,513 --> 00:18:03,571
We're even. That's great.
Look.

362
00:18:03,647 --> 00:18:05,137
Hey, look, I'm just gonna
throw something out here,

363
00:18:05,215 --> 00:18:06,776
and it's gonna sound
a little bit crazy.

364
00:18:06,817 --> 00:18:08,658
- You're getting a breast reduction.
- No, shut up.

365
00:18:08,719 --> 00:18:10,653
No, look, I figured out
how to solve this pension problem,

366
00:18:10,721 --> 00:18:12,282
and I don't have to
quit the Department.

367
00:18:12,356 --> 00:18:13,380
Great. How?

368
00:18:13,457 --> 00:18:14,685
What we're gonna do is
we're gonna set things up

369
00:18:14,758 --> 00:18:16,749
so that you inherit
my benefits if I die.

370
00:18:16,827 --> 00:18:19,091
That way you'll be the one
responsible for Eric and Tori.

371
00:18:19,163 --> 00:18:21,495
Absolutely. That's a great idea.
How do we do that?

372
00:18:21,565 --> 00:18:24,500
Yeah. Domestic partnership.

373
00:18:25,703 --> 00:18:27,398
Domestic partnership.

374
00:18:27,871 --> 00:18:29,600
- You mean like faggots?
- No.

375
00:18:29,673 --> 00:18:31,402
I mean, yeah,
but, no, not us, obviously.

376
00:18:31,475 --> 00:18:34,638
No, no, not, you know...
It's just on paper, really.

377
00:18:34,712 --> 00:18:36,043
Paper faggots?

378
00:18:36,113 --> 00:18:39,514
Okay, look, the accepted
vernacular is "gay," but, yeah.

379
00:18:39,583 --> 00:18:41,517
I'm gonna get
something to drink.

380
00:18:41,585 --> 00:18:42,677
All right.

381
00:18:48,592 --> 00:18:49,592
Right.

382
00:18:55,399 --> 00:18:56,457
I'm gonna have to pass.

383
00:18:56,533 --> 00:18:57,557
You can't!

384
00:18:57,635 --> 00:19:00,433
Why don't you pay some chick to marry you
if you need this set-up?

385
00:19:00,504 --> 00:19:02,597
- Some chick? Like who?
- Give me the phone.

386
00:19:02,673 --> 00:19:04,514
I know plenty of chicks
who could use the cash.

387
00:19:04,575 --> 00:19:06,099
What do you want? A blonde?
A Puerto Rican?

388
00:19:06,176 --> 00:19:08,610
I'll get you a heavy girl.
She'll make you feel better about yourself.

389
00:19:08,679 --> 00:19:11,307
Hey, it doesn't matter.
I don't have any extra cash.

390
00:19:11,382 --> 00:19:13,577
Look, man,
you're the only person I can trust.

391
00:19:13,651 --> 00:19:16,051
Hey, you know who you could trust?
Your maid, Teresa.

392
00:19:16,120 --> 00:19:17,451
She steals!

393
00:19:17,521 --> 00:19:19,421
She steals?
Why don't you fire her?

394
00:19:19,490 --> 00:19:21,617
I'm afraid. I think she's into voodoo.
I don't know.

395
00:19:21,692 --> 00:19:23,319
- Oh, God.
- Look, this is the only way

396
00:19:23,394 --> 00:19:26,454
I can keep doing what I do
and make sure my kids are protected.

397
00:19:26,530 --> 00:19:29,328
Larry, look at us.
We're not gay.

398
00:19:29,400 --> 00:19:30,761
But if we were gay,
don't you think

399
00:19:30,768 --> 00:19:32,929
I'd be with someone
a little hotter-looking than you?

400
00:19:33,003 --> 00:19:35,130
I'm Mr. February,
for God's sake.

401
00:19:35,205 --> 00:19:39,335
It would be like the prom king
fooling around with a tuba player.

402
00:19:39,410 --> 00:19:40,707
Oh, great, I play tuba.

403
00:19:40,778 --> 00:19:42,336
Larry, I love you,

404
00:19:42,413 --> 00:19:44,938
but I'm not in love with you,
if that makes any sense.

405
00:19:45,015 --> 00:19:46,710
I still wanna be friends.

406
00:19:46,784 --> 00:19:49,309
All right, do me a favor.
Just picture this, please. All right?

407
00:19:49,386 --> 00:19:51,013
You're at my funeral

408
00:19:51,088 --> 00:19:53,283
and you're looking for my kids,
but they're not there.

409
00:19:53,357 --> 00:19:55,154
'Cause they're in some factory
in Bangladesh

410
00:19:55,225 --> 00:19:57,853
making sneakers
for six cents an hour.

411
00:19:58,462 --> 00:20:02,228
And you go home to nail some chick
you met at my gravesite.

412
00:20:02,299 --> 00:20:05,462
And you look up,
and right there in your window

413
00:20:06,003 --> 00:20:07,527
are my kids.

414
00:20:07,604 --> 00:20:09,970
They're just tapping
on the glass.

415
00:20:10,040 --> 00:20:13,532
And they have tears
just streaming down their faces.

416
00:20:13,610 --> 00:20:18,240
You think of that
and now you give me your answer.

417
00:20:20,050 --> 00:20:22,382
How are they tapping on my window
if they're in Bangladesh?

418
00:20:22,453 --> 00:20:25,217
Oh, my God. You're...
You're not following me here.

419
00:20:25,289 --> 00:20:27,086
- Yeah, I'm serious.
- Chuck?

420
00:20:27,157 --> 00:20:29,421
Thirsty. Do you have
anything to drink?

421
00:20:29,493 --> 00:20:32,087
Yeah, there's Gatorade
in the fridge.

422
00:20:32,362 --> 00:20:35,854
The girls are here.
The girls, they want the Gatorade.

423
00:20:35,933 --> 00:20:37,560
Oh, they're thirsty.

424
00:20:37,634 --> 00:20:38,999
Larry, Larry, watch this.

425
00:20:39,069 --> 00:20:42,232
Hey, girls,
actually it's down low, the Gatorade.

426
00:20:43,807 --> 00:20:45,365
I can't be gay, Larry.

427
00:20:45,442 --> 00:20:48,070
I could be a lesbian for you,
but that's about it.

428
00:20:48,145 --> 00:20:52,343
I am so lonely in here.
Hurry up, Chuck.

429
00:20:52,416 --> 00:20:54,680
Dr. Honey! Dr. Honey.
You know Dr. Honey.

430
00:20:55,085 --> 00:20:56,450
Yeah, I do.

431
00:20:57,054 --> 00:20:59,249
How are you feeling,
Mr. Valentine?

432
00:20:59,323 --> 00:21:01,018
It's still stiff
when I go to the right.

433
00:21:01,091 --> 00:21:02,115
That's normal.

434
00:21:02,192 --> 00:21:03,989
Hey, who untied you?

435
00:21:05,429 --> 00:21:07,693
What? What?
We have rules around here, girls.

436
00:21:08,866 --> 00:21:10,857
Specific orders, girls.

437
00:21:10,934 --> 00:21:13,664
Now I'm gonna go
Charlie Chaplin on your ass!

438
00:21:13,737 --> 00:21:16,399
Here, use the cane.
Use it! Use it!

439
00:21:16,473 --> 00:21:18,168
Whap them, whap them!

440
00:21:18,408 --> 00:21:20,205
You... You're just
an animal, man.

441
00:21:20,277 --> 00:21:22,541
I'm not an animal.
I am a whore.

442
00:21:22,946 --> 00:21:25,972
You don't want to marry the town whore.
Believe me, you're better than that.

443
00:21:26,049 --> 00:21:30,145
What I'm talking about is no more involved
than co-signing a loan or joining a gym.

444
00:21:30,220 --> 00:21:31,847
How do we know no one's
gonna find out about this?

445
00:21:31,922 --> 00:21:34,550
Because privacy laws
are super strict nowadays.

446
00:21:34,625 --> 00:21:37,617
Look, all we gotta do is just forward
your mail to my house for a while.

447
00:21:37,694 --> 00:21:38,820
That's it.

448
00:21:38,896 --> 00:21:40,659
Oh, I don't know.

449
00:21:40,731 --> 00:21:42,790
I saved your life, bitch.

450
00:21:45,169 --> 00:21:46,431
Partners?

451
00:21:47,538 --> 00:21:48,766
Partners.

452
00:21:48,839 --> 00:21:49,839
Shake on it?

453
00:21:50,741 --> 00:21:53,175
You should've
let me die, asshole.

454
00:22:10,894 --> 00:22:13,124
You're partners now, fellas.

455
00:22:20,737 --> 00:22:22,398
Teresa brought in the mail.

456
00:22:22,539 --> 00:22:24,564
That's a first. Me.

457
00:22:24,942 --> 00:22:27,240
Chuck. That's me.

458
00:22:29,713 --> 00:22:30,873
Chuck.

459
00:22:32,549 --> 00:22:33,573
Chuck.

460
00:22:34,718 --> 00:22:35,912
Chuck.

461
00:22:36,253 --> 00:22:37,777
What the hell?

462
00:22:38,422 --> 00:22:39,821
Chuck.

463
00:22:40,490 --> 00:22:41,490
Chuck.

464
00:22:42,426 --> 00:22:45,918
You gotta be kidding me.
They send these things blown up now?

465
00:22:45,996 --> 00:22:47,930
Is that doll for me?

466
00:22:48,699 --> 00:22:50,326
No, no, no, sweetheart.
No, it's for me.

467
00:22:50,400 --> 00:22:53,028
It's a... It's a training doll.
You know, for CPR.

468
00:22:53,103 --> 00:22:55,901
They're testing us again,
you know, to make sure.

469
00:22:55,973 --> 00:22:57,099
You remember Daddy
did the testing?

470
00:22:57,174 --> 00:22:59,608
You make sure the passageway
is clear, and you...

471
00:23:00,110 --> 00:23:01,600
To see if they're breathing.

472
00:23:01,678 --> 00:23:03,578
Sweetheart, go to your room, please.
Go to your room, okay?

473
00:23:03,647 --> 00:23:06,844
It's for me. She's fine.
She's fine. We're dancing.

474
00:23:07,117 --> 00:23:08,117
Whoa.

475
00:23:11,021 --> 00:23:13,683
Fire under control.
All units ten-eight, ten-eight.

476
00:23:14,224 --> 00:23:15,555
Great to have you back, Larry.

477
00:23:15,626 --> 00:23:17,389
Great to be back, Captain.

478
00:23:17,461 --> 00:23:22,524
Captain! Found out what started the fire,
an old-fashioned doobie.

479
00:23:22,599 --> 00:23:25,864
Hey, brother, that's my weed.
Can I get that back?

480
00:23:25,936 --> 00:23:27,426
You want this back?

481
00:23:27,504 --> 00:23:31,065
I can't give you it back. But you know
what? I got something better for you.

482
00:23:35,279 --> 00:23:36,712
Whoa, man!

483
00:23:38,315 --> 00:23:39,315
Do that again.

484
00:23:40,250 --> 00:23:41,444
He likes it.

485
00:23:42,886 --> 00:23:44,478
All right, enjoy it.

486
00:23:44,554 --> 00:23:46,784
Hey, man. Looks like
a powdered donut.

487
00:23:57,501 --> 00:23:58,501
Mr. Valentine?

488
00:23:58,568 --> 00:23:59,694
Yeah.

489
00:23:59,770 --> 00:24:03,137
Hi. I'm Glen Aldrich
from the Pension Department.

490
00:24:03,206 --> 00:24:06,232
I'd like to talk to you about
your recently filed domestic partnership.

491
00:24:12,115 --> 00:24:13,207
Hey.

492
00:24:13,550 --> 00:24:15,279
- Are you okay?
- No, yeah, no, I'm fine.

493
00:24:15,352 --> 00:24:19,482
That's how I always get down,
'cause it's just faster. You know. Steps.

494
00:24:19,556 --> 00:24:22,457
Is your partner home?
A Mr. Charles Levine?

495
00:24:22,526 --> 00:24:23,925
No, he...

496
00:24:24,528 --> 00:24:27,156
How did you...
How did you find out that that we were...

497
00:24:27,230 --> 00:24:28,424
It's standard procedure.

498
00:24:28,498 --> 00:24:31,194
You see, when a previously
registered portfolio shifts over

499
00:24:31,268 --> 00:24:33,964
to a domestic partnership filing
in the insurance log,

500
00:24:34,037 --> 00:24:36,877
there's an information sharing system
that notifies us of the adjustment

501
00:24:36,940 --> 00:24:38,271
to make sure
it's not a mistake.

502
00:24:38,342 --> 00:24:40,810
Why do you ask?
Were you keeping your partnership secret?

503
00:24:40,877 --> 00:24:42,674
Secret? What, are you kidding me?
Hell, no.

504
00:24:42,746 --> 00:24:44,407
No, we're telling everybody.
It's a party.

505
00:24:44,481 --> 00:24:45,812
Telling everybody what?

506
00:24:45,882 --> 00:24:47,577
Hey, butt out, Ron.

507
00:24:47,651 --> 00:24:48,948
Come over here.

508
00:24:51,054 --> 00:24:54,080
I hope you don't think we have any reason
to doubt your situation, Mr. Valentine,

509
00:24:54,157 --> 00:24:57,024
but the sad truth is some people
have used homosexual lifestyles

510
00:24:57,094 --> 00:24:59,426
as a cover to reap
illegal benefits.

511
00:24:59,496 --> 00:25:00,496
Wow.

512
00:25:01,965 --> 00:25:03,057
Who's that?

513
00:25:03,166 --> 00:25:05,134
That's Paula.
She's my late wife.

514
00:25:06,136 --> 00:25:07,831
So you haven't
always been gay.

515
00:25:07,904 --> 00:25:11,772
No. I'm newly gay.

516
00:25:12,509 --> 00:25:15,706
When... When she died,
I knew I'd never find another woman

517
00:25:15,779 --> 00:25:17,770
who'd make me as happy,

518
00:25:18,882 --> 00:25:21,146
and that's when I boarded
the dude train.

519
00:25:22,285 --> 00:25:23,377
Will you excuse me one second?

520
00:25:23,453 --> 00:25:24,511
Sure.

521
00:25:25,689 --> 00:25:28,317
Hey, homo, you see the moon balloons
on that chick?

522
00:25:28,392 --> 00:25:30,690
They're a jiggle away
from falling out.

523
00:25:30,761 --> 00:25:33,491
Oh, Chuck, don't tell me
you lost your key again, sweetheart.

524
00:25:33,563 --> 00:25:34,621
What key?

525
00:25:34,698 --> 00:25:38,964
Baby! How about a free show?
Why don't you shake them for me?

526
00:25:39,036 --> 00:25:42,267
Oh, you mean Ron, the mailman.
Yeah, Ron, you look great, man!

527
00:25:42,339 --> 00:25:44,569
Love the moon balloons.
Shake them! Shake them!

528
00:25:44,641 --> 00:25:46,905
Hey, Chuck,
come on in here a minute.

529
00:25:47,677 --> 00:25:51,670
This is Glen Aldrich from the Penis...
The Pension Department.

530
00:25:51,748 --> 00:25:53,648
Our Pension Department.

531
00:25:54,751 --> 00:25:55,751
Hi.

532
00:25:56,286 --> 00:25:58,584
- Oh, hey.
- Yeah.

533
00:25:58,655 --> 00:26:02,386
He... He knows about our partnership,
and he's just here checking up on us,

534
00:26:02,459 --> 00:26:06,520
making sure we're not running
a scam to collect illegal benefits.

535
00:26:06,997 --> 00:26:10,091
People do that?
What is with the world?

536
00:26:10,167 --> 00:26:11,293
Yeah.

537
00:26:11,368 --> 00:26:12,801
It just makes me so sad

538
00:26:12,869 --> 00:26:15,838
and gay to think
of that kind of...

539
00:26:15,906 --> 00:26:17,203
Yeah.
...behavior.

540
00:26:17,274 --> 00:26:18,400
Yeah.

541
00:26:18,475 --> 00:26:22,468
I just want to go to my room right now
and listen to Boy George records.

542
00:26:22,546 --> 00:26:23,604
Calm down.

543
00:26:23,680 --> 00:26:27,343
So you've moved your relationship
to the next level. How's it been going?

544
00:26:27,417 --> 00:26:32,787
Oh, great. We've just been having sex
with each other all the time.

545
00:26:32,889 --> 00:26:34,288
Loads of sex.

546
00:26:34,357 --> 00:26:35,585
Gay crazy sex.

547
00:26:35,659 --> 00:26:38,059
Man on man.
Loving every minute of it.

548
00:26:38,128 --> 00:26:41,097
Yeah, balls and wieners all the way.
Right here.

549
00:26:41,164 --> 00:26:42,188
Oh, yeah.

550
00:26:42,265 --> 00:26:44,563
Well, I won't take up
any more of your time.

551
00:26:44,634 --> 00:26:45,828
Bring the funk.

552
00:26:47,204 --> 00:26:48,796
Okay, thank you.

553
00:26:49,005 --> 00:26:50,097
So that's it?

554
00:26:50,173 --> 00:26:53,108
You don't... You don't have
any other questions for us or...

555
00:26:53,176 --> 00:26:56,009
Oh, no. No, that's not really
how we do it.

556
00:26:56,079 --> 00:26:59,310
You see, if my report says I thought
something was out of the ordinary,

557
00:26:59,382 --> 00:27:01,714
then the department assigns
a special investigator,

558
00:27:01,785 --> 00:27:03,685
and he or she'll just drop in
from time to time

559
00:27:03,753 --> 00:27:05,914
unannounced over the next three
or four months.

560
00:27:06,156 --> 00:27:07,156
No big deal.

561
00:27:07,724 --> 00:27:10,249
Let me... Just asking
was there anything that you saw

562
00:27:10,327 --> 00:27:12,591
that was out of the ordinary or...

563
00:27:13,163 --> 00:27:15,461
Oh, I can't tell you that.
All right, have a great day.

564
00:27:15,532 --> 00:27:16,931
Oh, we will.

565
00:27:19,903 --> 00:27:21,336
Nice seeing you.
Take care.

566
00:27:21,404 --> 00:27:22,530
Nice seeing you.

567
00:27:22,606 --> 00:27:23,971
We love your pants,
by the way. Very nice.

568
00:27:24,040 --> 00:27:25,803
We do.
Are those wrinkle-free?

569
00:27:25,876 --> 00:27:27,002
I think they are.
They look great!

570
00:27:27,077 --> 00:27:28,339
Snazzy!

571
00:27:28,411 --> 00:27:30,402
Yeah, no one's gonna
find out about us, I thought.

572
00:27:30,480 --> 00:27:32,812
Well... Yes!

573
00:27:32,883 --> 00:27:34,510
He likes it rough.
Yeah.

574
00:27:34,584 --> 00:27:35,642
- Bye-bye.
- Take care.

575
00:27:35,719 --> 00:27:36,743
Bye-bye now. Take care. Okay.

576
00:27:36,820 --> 00:27:38,082
You made a promise to me.

577
00:27:38,155 --> 00:27:39,179
All right, we're gonna
have sex now.

578
00:27:39,256 --> 00:27:40,382
Okay. We are.

579
00:27:40,457 --> 00:27:41,457
Sex now.
Here we go!

580
00:27:41,525 --> 00:27:42,525
Whoo!

581
00:27:45,128 --> 00:27:47,096
Why are we even seeing
this lawyer guy?

582
00:27:47,164 --> 00:27:49,325
I just want to find out
how much trouble we're in here.

583
00:27:49,399 --> 00:27:51,264
Maybe it's, you know,
no big deal.

584
00:27:51,334 --> 00:27:52,926
This guy'll be able
to tell us.

585
00:27:53,470 --> 00:27:55,961
Here, just give me your hand.

586
00:27:56,039 --> 00:27:57,939
Maybe we should
just be snuggling a little bit.

587
00:27:58,008 --> 00:27:59,100
You mean to look...

588
00:27:59,176 --> 00:28:00,541
Yeah, just a little bit like, you know.

589
00:28:00,610 --> 00:28:01,668
Yeah, that's good.

590
00:28:01,745 --> 00:28:03,645
Does this work, too?
Get away from me.

591
00:28:40,784 --> 00:28:43,810
Alex McDonough.

592
00:28:44,020 --> 00:28:46,454
Nice to meet you.

593
00:28:51,628 --> 00:28:52,788
Nice to meet you.

594
00:28:52,862 --> 00:28:54,523
Yeah, meet to nice you.

595
00:28:55,131 --> 00:28:56,496
What was that, Japanese?

596
00:28:56,566 --> 00:28:58,124
What? What are you
talking about?

597
00:28:58,201 --> 00:28:59,498
Meet to nice you.

598
00:28:59,569 --> 00:29:01,298
No, no, no, I didn't do that.

599
00:29:01,371 --> 00:29:02,929
You did. He did say it.

600
00:29:03,006 --> 00:29:04,234
You did.

601
00:29:04,307 --> 00:29:05,365
Okay.

602
00:29:05,442 --> 00:29:06,739
Okay, just come on in.

603
00:29:06,810 --> 00:29:08,607
Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.

604
00:29:10,714 --> 00:29:13,877
So my assistant says
that your domestic partnership

605
00:29:13,950 --> 00:29:15,611
is being challenged
by the city.

606
00:29:15,685 --> 00:29:19,553
Well, not exactly challenged yet,
but they're definitely sniffing around.

607
00:29:19,623 --> 00:29:21,420
- Home visit?
- Yeah.

608
00:29:21,491 --> 00:29:22,719
You're being targeted.

609
00:29:22,792 --> 00:29:24,020
Targeted?

610
00:29:24,094 --> 00:29:26,654
It's like an audit.
Who did they send?

611
00:29:26,730 --> 00:29:29,198
It was a Glen somebody.

612
00:29:29,266 --> 00:29:30,824
Probably the initial interviewer.

613
00:29:30,900 --> 00:29:34,358
But if you get a follow-up from
a funny little guy named Clint Fitzer,

614
00:29:34,437 --> 00:29:36,234
then we've got real trouble.

615
00:29:36,306 --> 00:29:39,400
Yeah, the city's really been cracking down
ever since the Bensley case.

616
00:29:39,476 --> 00:29:40,534
What's that?

617
00:29:40,610 --> 00:29:46,207
Well, in Colorado, a heterosexual
government employee married his gay friend

618
00:29:46,283 --> 00:29:49,980
so the friend could be covered
under Bensley's health insurance.

619
00:29:50,053 --> 00:29:51,350
The state found out about it,

620
00:29:51,421 --> 00:29:54,254
fired Bensley and prosecuted them both
for fraud.

621
00:29:54,324 --> 00:29:56,121
- Really?
- Oh, yeah.

622
00:29:56,192 --> 00:29:58,922
I mean, these people needed
to be made an example of.

623
00:29:58,995 --> 00:30:02,294
I mean, gays and lesbians have not
been fighting for these rights for 40 years

624
00:30:02,365 --> 00:30:03,923
to be made a mockery of.

625
00:30:04,000 --> 00:30:05,228
But you guys have
nothing to worry about

626
00:30:05,302 --> 00:30:07,770
because you're
a legitimate gay couple, right?

627
00:30:07,837 --> 00:30:10,829
Oh, yeah, we're...
No, we're big-time fruits.

628
00:30:12,175 --> 00:30:15,406
I used to wrestle in high school,
and I loved it.

629
00:30:16,012 --> 00:30:17,172
Okay.

630
00:30:18,114 --> 00:30:20,207
Curiosity kicking up again.

631
00:30:21,017 --> 00:30:24,077
What exactly did they get,
the hetero bastards?

632
00:30:25,188 --> 00:30:28,851
Well, Bensley got five years
and his gay friend got three.

633
00:30:29,626 --> 00:30:32,459
And a coworker of Bensley's
got 18 months.

634
00:30:32,996 --> 00:30:34,327
Why? What did he do?

635
00:30:34,397 --> 00:30:37,764
Well, Bensley told him what was going on and
he never reported it to the authorities,

636
00:30:37,834 --> 00:30:42,567
so he was convicted of obstructing justice
and conspiracy to commit fraud.

637
00:30:43,606 --> 00:30:45,267
Pretty rough, huh?

638
00:30:45,608 --> 00:30:50,204
When I used to climb the rope in gym class,
I wished it was a guy.

639
00:30:52,916 --> 00:30:54,884
Well, there is a secret weapon

640
00:30:54,951 --> 00:30:57,511
that really might help get these guys
off your back.

641
00:30:57,587 --> 00:30:59,227
Oh, good. Oh, great.
Well, we love secrets.

642
00:30:59,255 --> 00:31:00,655
Yeah, we do them
all the time. Yeah.

643
00:31:01,758 --> 00:31:03,953
Oh, yeah.
Oh, I won't tell anyone.

644
00:31:04,027 --> 00:31:05,027
Nobody tells.

645
00:31:05,095 --> 00:31:07,825
That was a key he was throwing away,
that's what that was.

646
00:31:07,897 --> 00:31:09,228
Leave a trail.

647
00:31:09,299 --> 00:31:10,630
You know,
the strongest evidence

648
00:31:10,700 --> 00:31:13,134
for genuinely demonstrating
a domestic partnership

649
00:31:13,203 --> 00:31:15,865
is to take a quick drive
on up to Canada

650
00:31:15,939 --> 00:31:17,702
and legitimize
your relationship.

651
00:31:17,974 --> 00:31:19,100
Legitimize?

652
00:31:19,175 --> 00:31:20,403
Get married.

653
00:31:21,077 --> 00:31:22,476
Marry Larry?

654
00:31:33,957 --> 00:31:35,390
All right,
where do two guys get married?

655
00:31:35,458 --> 00:31:37,824
What do we got here?
Wedding Balls.

656
00:31:38,595 --> 00:31:40,790
I Do, I Do Love Clay Aiken.

657
00:31:40,864 --> 00:31:42,354
Great Rear Endings.

658
00:31:43,566 --> 00:31:45,261
Till Dicks Do Us Part.

659
00:31:45,635 --> 00:31:48,160
Where are we gonna do this,
sweetheart?

660
00:31:48,238 --> 00:31:49,705
What's the matter?
You getting cold nuts?

661
00:31:49,773 --> 00:31:53,573
No, no. It's just Paula always
wanted to go to Niagara Falls,

662
00:31:54,244 --> 00:31:56,269
and I never got the chance to take her,
you know?

663
00:31:56,346 --> 00:31:59,338
You were great to her.
It's been three years already, man.

664
00:31:59,416 --> 00:32:01,884
Just, just...
She would want you to be happy.

665
00:32:01,951 --> 00:32:03,711
She would want you to move on
with your life,

666
00:32:03,720 --> 00:32:05,688
find somebody new,
I'm telling you.

667
00:32:05,755 --> 00:32:08,349
You know what?
I did find somebody new.

668
00:32:08,525 --> 00:32:09,787
And I'm marrying him today.

669
00:32:09,859 --> 00:32:12,123
Oh, yeah. What a lucky girl.

670
00:32:12,796 --> 00:32:14,093
Queers.

671
00:32:14,164 --> 00:32:15,859
What was that?
What was that?

672
00:32:15,932 --> 00:32:18,196
I said tears.

673
00:32:18,268 --> 00:32:20,327
Your love for each other
brings tears to my eyes.

674
00:32:20,403 --> 00:32:21,768
That's what I thought you said, buddy.
Yeah. Yeah.

675
00:32:21,838 --> 00:32:23,135
Better watch what you say,
my friend.

676
00:32:23,206 --> 00:32:24,173
Why don't you
just drive the car?

677
00:32:24,240 --> 00:32:25,901
Doug Henning.
What the hell you think you're doing?

678
00:32:25,975 --> 00:32:27,408
You want a Brooklyn beating, moron?
Magic shoes. Yeah?

679
00:32:27,477 --> 00:32:29,138
- You want to get him nuts?
- Yeah? Smacked around?

680
00:32:29,212 --> 00:32:31,806
- Then shut your mouth.
- Don't, please.

681
00:32:33,983 --> 00:32:35,007
Faggots.

682
00:32:35,084 --> 00:32:37,075
All right, that's it, my man.
What's that, you son of a bitch?

683
00:32:37,153 --> 00:32:38,279
Grab the wheel. Grab the wheel.
Hold him down!

684
00:32:38,354 --> 00:32:39,354
Hey, I'm sorry!

685
00:32:39,422 --> 00:32:40,650
Hold him down, and I will...

686
00:32:40,723 --> 00:32:42,843
Come and drive now, moron!
Hey, the wheel, man!

687
00:32:42,859 --> 00:32:43,917
I'm sorry!
Chuck, hold him.

688
00:32:43,993 --> 00:32:45,153
Yeah! Yeah!

689
00:32:47,564 --> 00:32:49,156
Get him! Hold him down!

690
00:33:02,278 --> 00:33:04,712
Suki! Stupid cow. Sorry.

691
00:33:04,881 --> 00:33:06,542
Hey, may I help you?

692
00:33:06,616 --> 00:33:08,982
Yes, we're... We're...

693
00:33:09,752 --> 00:33:11,117
Gay?

694
00:33:11,187 --> 00:33:13,553
Yeah, we're marrying
each other.

695
00:33:13,623 --> 00:33:16,353
Gay. Civil or religious?

696
00:33:16,426 --> 00:33:17,825
Religious.

697
00:33:18,495 --> 00:33:20,326
I'm Jewish.
I don't wanna piss my mother off.

698
00:33:20,396 --> 00:33:22,796
I'm Catholic.
I don't want to piss Mel Gibson off.

699
00:33:22,866 --> 00:33:24,458
Come on.

700
00:33:24,534 --> 00:33:27,594
Religious is more expensive.
We have to hire a clergyman.

701
00:33:27,670 --> 00:33:29,763
Look, you know what?
We'll just do civil then, okay?

702
00:33:29,839 --> 00:33:31,879
- Will you at least wear a yarmulke?
- Yeah, okay, sure.

703
00:33:31,941 --> 00:33:32,941
It's important.

704
00:33:33,009 --> 00:33:34,033
Yeah, I will.

705
00:33:34,143 --> 00:33:38,239
We want a traditional wedding, too,
one with a lot of photographs for evidence.

706
00:33:40,049 --> 00:33:42,415
Evidence for our future children,

707
00:33:42,485 --> 00:33:44,419
so they can see
what a beautiful chapel this is.

708
00:33:44,487 --> 00:33:45,579
Yeah.

709
00:33:46,256 --> 00:33:47,587
That's nice.

710
00:33:47,657 --> 00:33:49,454
I think Chubb Rock needs a dress.
Am I right?

711
00:33:49,526 --> 00:33:51,206
That's okay. No, I'm fine. No.
Come on. No?

712
00:33:51,227 --> 00:33:53,525
Okay. What size?
Five times XL?

713
00:33:54,464 --> 00:33:56,125
No, no. That's...
That's fine, really. I'm...

714
00:33:56,199 --> 00:33:58,999
You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna go with a tux like Liza Minnelli.

715
00:33:59,068 --> 00:34:00,558
I saw her wear one
at the Oscars and it's just been...

716
00:34:00,637 --> 00:34:02,264
At least have garter belts
underneath, please?

717
00:34:02,338 --> 00:34:03,362
Okay.

718
00:34:03,439 --> 00:34:07,705
You will need to have a witness.
We can supply one for $100.

719
00:34:07,777 --> 00:34:10,610
Hundred doll hairs?
That's a lot of doll hairs.

720
00:34:11,014 --> 00:34:12,242
Come again?

721
00:34:12,315 --> 00:34:13,942
Do dolls come
with that many hairs?

722
00:34:14,017 --> 00:34:15,143
Doll hairs, like dollars.

723
00:34:15,218 --> 00:34:16,685
Doll hairs?

724
00:34:18,187 --> 00:34:20,951
Yeah. Yeah, he likes that.

725
00:34:22,592 --> 00:34:24,685
I had never heard that one.

726
00:34:27,263 --> 00:34:29,993
Okay, sorry, sorry.
Can I write that down?

727
00:34:30,066 --> 00:34:31,931
Yeah, go ahead.

728
00:34:32,302 --> 00:34:34,497
We'll... We'll get our own witness,
by the way, so...

729
00:34:34,571 --> 00:34:35,868
Yeah.
Don't worry about that.

730
00:34:35,939 --> 00:34:37,770
Will you be needing a room?

731
00:34:37,840 --> 00:34:39,034
- What?
- A loom?

732
00:34:39,108 --> 00:34:41,474
For romantic time together.

733
00:34:45,148 --> 00:34:47,139
Whoa, whoa. No, no, we're good.
We... No...

734
00:34:47,216 --> 00:34:48,615
We'll take two looms,
by the way.

735
00:34:48,685 --> 00:34:51,051
Yeah. We're old-fashioned.

736
00:34:51,888 --> 00:34:53,287
That's very nice.

737
00:34:54,791 --> 00:34:58,090
I will give you key
in case you want to sneak.

738
00:34:58,328 --> 00:35:00,057
- That's okay.
- Yeah.

739
00:35:00,396 --> 00:35:01,454
But I'll give you key.

740
00:35:01,531 --> 00:35:02,691
Okay.

741
00:35:03,166 --> 00:35:04,190
Do you have the rings?

742
00:35:04,267 --> 00:35:05,598
Yeah.

743
00:35:05,735 --> 00:35:09,136
Now, the rings are
a symbol of eternity,

744
00:35:09,205 --> 00:35:13,471
because in a ring there's no beginning,
there is no end

745
00:35:14,410 --> 00:35:15,968
'cause it's a circle.

746
00:35:16,045 --> 00:35:17,137
That's kind of nice.

747
00:35:17,213 --> 00:35:18,475
It's not like a triangle.

748
00:35:18,548 --> 00:35:21,210
Triangle has,
like, a corner in the ends.

749
00:35:21,284 --> 00:35:23,184
This one is a circle.

750
00:35:23,252 --> 00:35:24,310
Okay, we get it.

751
00:35:24,387 --> 00:35:25,649
Three corners.

752
00:35:25,722 --> 00:35:27,314
Please exchange the rings.

753
00:35:27,390 --> 00:35:29,483
- Larry, take that.
- All right, yeah.

754
00:35:29,559 --> 00:35:30,787
Thanks.

755
00:35:31,361 --> 00:35:33,522
Is a promise of your love
forever together...

756
00:35:33,596 --> 00:35:34,620
- Okay.
- Okay. Beautiful.

757
00:35:34,697 --> 00:35:35,959
- ...for all eternity.
- Okay.

758
00:35:36,032 --> 00:35:38,057
- Because it's a circle.
- Yeah, we heard about the circle.

759
00:35:38,134 --> 00:35:39,814
Yes, we're familiar with shapes.
We got it.

760
00:35:41,704 --> 00:35:44,969
I now pronounce you
husband and husband.

761
00:35:45,041 --> 00:35:47,032
You may kiss the husband.

762
00:35:57,086 --> 00:35:59,919
I don't know.
Hey, man, you just gotta do this.

763
00:35:59,989 --> 00:36:02,082
- What do you mean?
- We got to do it.

764
00:36:02,158 --> 00:36:03,216
Kiss the husband.

765
00:36:03,292 --> 00:36:04,782
Yeah, we heard you.

766
00:36:05,461 --> 00:36:07,861
Oh, come on. Let's just...

767
00:36:07,930 --> 00:36:10,398
He's gonna take a picture,
we just gotta do this.

768
00:36:10,500 --> 00:36:11,500
Mmm-hmm.

769
00:36:12,201 --> 00:36:13,201
Oh!

770
00:36:16,139 --> 00:36:17,697
That's how we roll
in our house, baby.

771
00:36:17,774 --> 00:36:18,968
Oh, yeah.

772
00:36:25,248 --> 00:36:26,715
Do you do me?

773
00:36:27,984 --> 00:36:30,680
Oh, you couldn't handle it,
little man.

774
00:36:32,321 --> 00:36:33,447
Yeah.

775
00:36:33,523 --> 00:36:36,083
I think your witness
piss himself.

776
00:36:44,901 --> 00:36:50,168
The wires are all in place,
and they have tapped all of our phones.

777
00:36:51,974 --> 00:36:54,465
The Chinese government
is in on it.

778
00:36:54,811 --> 00:36:58,474
And Elizabeth Taylor is Bigfoot.

779
00:37:00,883 --> 00:37:02,680
Turn off my brain.

780
00:37:02,852 --> 00:37:04,251
Hear, hear!
Hear, hear!

781
00:37:06,956 --> 00:37:09,424
There's a microphone
in the cake!

782
00:37:12,795 --> 00:37:14,319
They moved it.

783
00:37:15,231 --> 00:37:16,255
Yeah.

784
00:37:16,332 --> 00:37:18,892
He smell like
a dead water buffalo.

785
00:37:24,607 --> 00:37:26,438
Oh, yeah! Very Jewish!

786
00:37:40,823 --> 00:37:42,313
I've been hit!

787
00:37:42,391 --> 00:37:43,858
How you doing?

788
00:37:44,627 --> 00:37:46,254
He broke his leg.

789
00:37:48,231 --> 00:37:50,199
Hey, how come your maid
ain't helping us out?

790
00:37:50,266 --> 00:37:53,167
She's working on something else,
all right?

791
00:37:53,503 --> 00:37:54,902
Yeah, right.

792
00:37:55,004 --> 00:37:57,564
How you doing there,
Phil Collins?

793
00:37:57,640 --> 00:38:01,007
$800. $800, Bob Barker!

794
00:38:01,077 --> 00:38:02,704
<i>...retail price
without going over...</i>

795
00:38:02,779 --> 00:38:04,576
She's working hard
with Bob Barker.

796
00:38:04,647 --> 00:38:07,081
She doesn't like when you talk
during her shows. Come on.

797
00:38:07,150 --> 00:38:10,051
$750? Oh, my balls,
that's too low.

798
00:38:10,119 --> 00:38:13,316
Hey, Big Ragoo,
I smell your feet from here. I like it.

799
00:38:13,389 --> 00:38:14,389
Oh...

800
00:38:15,291 --> 00:38:17,259
He thinks my feet stink.

801
00:38:19,562 --> 00:38:21,325
Now, that's a stink.

802
00:38:23,099 --> 00:38:26,330
See, I knew you were gonna
overcook this, man. I told you.

803
00:38:26,402 --> 00:38:29,394
Hey, it's Salisbury steak, Emeril.
It's supposed to be black.

804
00:38:29,472 --> 00:38:30,871
It stinks like manure!

805
00:38:30,940 --> 00:38:32,805
Yeah, it's supposed to.

806
00:38:33,075 --> 00:38:35,908
I can't believe you're gonna
serve this to the kids. Shit.

807
00:38:35,978 --> 00:38:37,206
Hey, language!

808
00:38:37,280 --> 00:38:39,009
Okay, kids,
"shit" is a bad word.

809
00:38:39,081 --> 00:38:41,049
Seriously, though,
I am not eating this crap!

810
00:38:41,117 --> 00:38:43,017
If I'm living here,
I'm cooking.

811
00:38:43,085 --> 00:38:44,643
How long is Uncle Chuck staying?

812
00:38:44,720 --> 00:38:47,985
Just for a little bit, okay?
Until his apartment is fixed.

813
00:38:48,057 --> 00:38:49,718
What happened to your place?

814
00:38:49,792 --> 00:38:51,453
Roaches.

815
00:38:52,128 --> 00:38:53,993
Yeah, big giant roaches.

816
00:38:54,163 --> 00:38:55,289
They ate my dog.

817
00:38:55,364 --> 00:38:56,456
Bastards!

818
00:38:56,532 --> 00:38:57,692
Language!

819
00:38:57,767 --> 00:38:59,826
Roaches are so ewwy.

820
00:39:00,703 --> 00:39:02,864
Did you hear that?
Roaches are ewwy.

821
00:39:02,939 --> 00:39:05,737
"Ewwy" is another word not allowed said
in this house, okay?

822
00:39:05,808 --> 00:39:07,469
- I think ewwy's a nice word.
- Shut up.

823
00:39:07,543 --> 00:39:08,703
Ewwy!

824
00:39:09,111 --> 00:39:10,135
Funny.

825
00:39:16,319 --> 00:39:18,514
<i>The Reds never even came up
in the conversation.</i>

826
00:39:18,588 --> 00:39:22,024
<i>About five straight seasons
losing regular seasons,</i>

827
00:39:22,091 --> 00:39:25,254
<i>the franchise's worse such stretch
since the '50s.</i>

828
00:39:25,328 --> 00:39:28,889
<i>Yet heading into play today, the Reds
were tied for the best record in the bigs.</i>

829
00:39:28,965 --> 00:39:31,957
<i>They've got
everybody going except for...</i>

830
00:39:32,668 --> 00:39:34,108
<i>...who's eligible
to come off the DL,</i>

831
00:39:34,136 --> 00:39:36,297
<i>but hasn't fully recovered
from an inflamed tendon...</i>

832
00:39:36,372 --> 00:39:37,498
Real smooth.

833
00:39:37,573 --> 00:39:38,835
Why? What happened?

834
00:39:38,908 --> 00:39:40,102
You broke Tori's chair!

835
00:39:40,176 --> 00:39:41,700
No, no, no.
It was like that when I got here.

836
00:39:41,777 --> 00:39:43,972
I'm not kidding you.
I think she did it.

837
00:39:44,046 --> 00:39:45,775
What the hell is that
on your face?

838
00:39:45,848 --> 00:39:48,078
I'm exfoliating.
It's good for my skin.

839
00:39:48,150 --> 00:39:49,708
Hey, that's a great idea, man.

840
00:39:49,785 --> 00:39:51,616
In case the gay inspector comes by.

841
00:39:52,288 --> 00:39:54,916
Yeah, yeah,
that's why I was doing it.

842
00:39:55,691 --> 00:39:57,386
Daddy, help!

843
00:39:58,394 --> 00:39:59,588
Tori?

844
00:40:01,631 --> 00:40:03,963
Somebody left the seat up.

845
00:40:04,700 --> 00:40:05,928
Real smooth, again.

846
00:40:06,002 --> 00:40:07,469
Why? What happened now?

847
00:40:07,536 --> 00:40:09,800
It was like that when I got here.
She... She did it.

848
00:40:09,872 --> 00:40:11,100
Hey, it's okay, sweetheart.

849
00:40:11,173 --> 00:40:14,006
You see, Uncle Chuck, he's not used
to living in a house with a young lady.

850
00:40:14,076 --> 00:40:15,338
- True that.
- Come here, honey.

851
00:40:15,411 --> 00:40:18,869
Slow, slow, slow.
Don't leave her intestines in there.

852
00:40:20,917 --> 00:40:22,714
Whoa, whoa...

853
00:40:22,785 --> 00:40:25,379
Your father's just jealous
'cause he can't get his butt

854
00:40:25,454 --> 00:40:26,512
- in that thing.
- Yeah.

855
00:40:26,589 --> 00:40:28,523
He got his butt stuck
in a king-sized Jacuzzi one time.

856
00:40:28,591 --> 00:40:30,559
- I seen that.
- Stop.

857
00:40:30,626 --> 00:40:31,650
Hey, yeah.

858
00:40:31,727 --> 00:40:33,752
Uncle Chuck,
you left this in the kitchen.

859
00:40:33,829 --> 00:40:35,023
Hey, don't you look at that!

860
00:40:35,097 --> 00:40:36,462
- I didn't.
- Actually, you know what? Give me that.

861
00:40:36,532 --> 00:40:38,159
- Maybe he should look at it. See.
- Stop it, Chuck!

862
00:40:38,234 --> 00:40:40,964
No, no, no. This is an experiment.
Seriously.

863
00:40:42,138 --> 00:40:44,572
Eric, see how this
makes you feel.

864
00:40:45,374 --> 00:40:46,739
Open it up.

865
00:40:50,646 --> 00:40:52,978
All right,
that didn't go well.

866
00:40:59,121 --> 00:41:02,056
Yo, you got any tequila in this house?
I want to fall right asleep.

867
00:41:02,124 --> 00:41:03,648
No, I don't.

868
00:41:03,726 --> 00:41:05,956
What the hell is this?
You got a dog I don't know about?

869
00:41:06,028 --> 00:41:07,708
No, that's your bed.
I worked hard on that.

870
00:41:07,730 --> 00:41:10,494
That ain't a bed. That's a bed,
the thing you're about to cave in.

871
00:41:10,566 --> 00:41:12,864
No. Look, you're not
sleeping here, okay?

872
00:41:12,935 --> 00:41:15,165
Nobody's slept
on that side since Paula.

873
00:41:15,237 --> 00:41:16,761
But, sweetheart,
it's our honeymoon.

874
00:41:16,839 --> 00:41:19,137
Of course I'm sleeping
in the same bed as you.

875
00:41:19,208 --> 00:41:20,470
No.

876
00:41:20,543 --> 00:41:22,023
How about if I put
Paula's pajamas on?

877
00:41:22,078 --> 00:41:23,238
Would that get me
in the sack with you?

878
00:41:23,312 --> 00:41:25,405
Don't you dare touch her PJs.

879
00:41:25,481 --> 00:41:28,507
You're kidding me.
You still keep her PJs?

880
00:41:28,584 --> 00:41:30,313
That's sick, Larry. Seriously.

881
00:41:30,386 --> 00:41:31,444
All right.

882
00:41:31,520 --> 00:41:33,488
You gotta call the shrink.

883
00:41:33,556 --> 00:41:35,490
I'm coming in the bed, Larry.

884
00:41:35,558 --> 00:41:38,322
Whoa, look at this.
You made me a little bowling ball ashtray.

885
00:41:38,394 --> 00:41:40,487
That's sweet of you.
I'll smoke that in the morning.

886
00:41:40,563 --> 00:41:42,656
I don't feel comfortable with this,
buddy, at all.

887
00:41:42,732 --> 00:41:44,495
Would it help
if I gave you the pose?

888
00:41:44,567 --> 00:41:46,296
Hey, get your foot off
that side of the bed.

889
00:41:46,369 --> 00:41:47,734
Have some respect,
would you, please?

890
00:41:47,803 --> 00:41:50,533
Yeah, I'll be respectful.
You won't even know I'm here.

891
00:41:50,606 --> 00:41:52,039
Oh, God.
You won't know I'm here, okay?

892
00:41:52,108 --> 00:41:54,133
Why don't you turn the light off?
You won't even see me.

893
00:41:54,210 --> 00:41:55,768
I'm not around, Larry.

894
00:41:55,845 --> 00:41:59,110
Yeah. Yeah. See?
Yeah. Roll over.

895
00:41:59,782 --> 00:42:01,340
Make yourself comfortable.

896
00:42:02,051 --> 00:42:03,450
That's right.

897
00:42:07,289 --> 00:42:09,120
You got Cinemax in here?

898
00:42:09,191 --> 00:42:10,818
No, I do not.

899
00:42:10,893 --> 00:42:13,259
What the hell am I supposed to do
with this thing?

900
00:42:13,329 --> 00:42:17,425
Keep it away from me.

901
00:42:18,034 --> 00:42:21,367
Can you lend me your foot for a second?
I'm kidding.

902
00:42:26,275 --> 00:42:28,334
Larry.

903
00:42:29,578 --> 00:42:33,070
You betrayed me, Larry.

904
00:42:34,517 --> 00:42:39,045
You made a promise
no one would sleep on my side of...

905
00:42:39,121 --> 00:42:40,383
All right. Hey, hey, hey.

906
00:42:40,456 --> 00:42:42,424
- I swear to you, I will beat you...
- That wasn't me.

907
00:42:42,491 --> 00:42:44,425
- ...with the end table!
- Larry!

908
00:42:44,493 --> 00:42:45,517
Stop it, man.

909
00:42:45,594 --> 00:42:46,618
If it was me, I would stop it.

910
00:42:46,695 --> 00:42:48,492
It was someone else.

911
00:42:50,099 --> 00:42:51,657
It scared me, too, Larry.

912
00:42:55,905 --> 00:42:57,668
Good morning, Daddy.

913
00:42:58,874 --> 00:43:00,171
Oh, hey, kids.

914
00:43:00,242 --> 00:43:01,732
Good morning, Uncle Chuck.

915
00:43:02,411 --> 00:43:04,140
What's doing, guys?

916
00:43:04,246 --> 00:43:05,406
Good morning, Teresa.

917
00:43:05,481 --> 00:43:06,846
Great morning.

918
00:43:11,954 --> 00:43:13,979
Why is Teresa in the bed?

919
00:43:15,424 --> 00:43:18,757
She was just cleaning it. She was...
Great job, Teresa.

920
00:43:18,828 --> 00:43:21,388
Spotless. Thank you.
You can go now.

921
00:43:22,498 --> 00:43:24,090
Hey.

922
00:43:24,733 --> 00:43:26,894
Hey, this is what got us in trouble
in the first place.

923
00:43:27,903 --> 00:43:29,063
Oh, boy.

924
00:43:29,138 --> 00:43:31,072
Come on, kids,
fix me breakfast!

925
00:43:31,140 --> 00:43:32,801
Come on, come on, come on!

926
00:43:32,875 --> 00:43:34,308
You're gonna burn for that.

927
00:43:34,376 --> 00:43:35,866
Get Cinemax.

928
00:43:35,945 --> 00:43:37,435
While I'm sleeping
in the same bed?

929
00:43:37,513 --> 00:43:39,845
Hey, you weren't sleeping
the whole time.

930
00:43:39,915 --> 00:43:40,973
You threw in some moves.

931
00:43:41,050 --> 00:43:42,108
I did not!

932
00:43:42,184 --> 00:43:44,243
Yeah. Smell your thumb.

933
00:43:52,328 --> 00:43:54,159
Smells like plastic.

934
00:44:03,239 --> 00:44:04,831
Hey, big guy.

935
00:44:05,341 --> 00:44:09,038
Hey, what the hell you doing
going through our garbage?

936
00:44:09,111 --> 00:44:13,070
Oh, once it's out on the street
ready for pickup, it's public property.

937
00:44:14,350 --> 00:44:15,550
Lawrence Valentine, I presume?

938
00:44:15,618 --> 00:44:16,778
Yeah. That's me.

939
00:44:16,852 --> 00:44:19,821
Yeah, Clint Fitzer
from Financial Services.

940
00:44:20,623 --> 00:44:23,456
You know, funny thing, you put
these moving boxes out for recycling

941
00:44:23,526 --> 00:44:25,606
after you'd already been
living together for so long.

942
00:44:25,661 --> 00:44:27,094
I found that interesting.

943
00:44:28,464 --> 00:44:30,864
And your garbage,
Mr. Valentine,

944
00:44:30,933 --> 00:44:34,300
well, from my experience,
it's not very homosexual garbage.

945
00:44:34,503 --> 00:44:35,993
Can I see some
identification, please?

946
00:44:36,372 --> 00:44:38,272
Oh, that's just one zip away.

947
00:44:44,213 --> 00:44:49,276
Mr. Valentine, the law takes a dim view
of those who cheat the public coffers.

948
00:44:50,920 --> 00:44:53,889
A very dim view, big guy.

949
00:44:56,325 --> 00:44:57,417
Shit.

950
00:45:03,632 --> 00:45:04,860
What are you doing?

951
00:45:04,934 --> 00:45:06,128
I'm putting a pillowcase
on my pillow.

952
00:45:06,202 --> 00:45:07,567
Okay, you know what?
That's not a pillowcase.

953
00:45:07,636 --> 00:45:09,331
It's my underwear, you idiot.

954
00:45:10,906 --> 00:45:12,498
No!
Would you stop?

955
00:45:12,575 --> 00:45:15,908
I just ran into Clint Fitzer out front.
That big city investigator.

956
00:45:15,978 --> 00:45:17,843
The one that hot-ass lawyer
was talking about?

957
00:45:17,913 --> 00:45:19,234
We gotta make
this place more gay.

958
00:45:19,281 --> 00:45:20,305
More gay?

959
00:45:20,382 --> 00:45:22,782
Yeah. He went through our trash.
He says it's not gay enough.

960
00:45:22,851 --> 00:45:24,284
Well, let's gay
that shit up, then!

961
00:45:24,353 --> 00:45:26,321
Oh, God.
Gay trash.

962
00:45:26,455 --> 00:45:29,219
Gay trash... Gay trash...

963
00:45:29,291 --> 00:45:30,291
Let's see.

964
00:45:32,161 --> 00:45:33,651
Huh? Huh?

965
00:45:34,029 --> 00:45:36,327
Yeah. What else?

966
00:45:36,398 --> 00:45:38,798
<i>♪ Anything you can do, I can do better. ♪</i>

967
00:45:38,867 --> 00:45:41,859
<i>♪ I can do anything better than you. ♪</i>

968
00:45:41,971 --> 00:45:43,768
- Perfect.
- Hey!

969
00:45:44,406 --> 00:45:46,636
Eric, are those the cleats
I just bought you?

970
00:45:46,709 --> 00:45:49,576
Uncle Chuck helped me
turn them into tap shoes.

971
00:45:49,645 --> 00:45:50,726
<i>Yeah, he didn't get Pippin,</i>

972
00:45:50,779 --> 00:45:52,212
so we're gonna prime him
for his next audition.

973
00:45:52,281 --> 00:45:53,270
<i>For the Annie Get Your Gun thing.</i>

974
00:45:53,349 --> 00:45:55,840
Go ahead, tap away. Nice.

975
00:45:56,252 --> 00:45:58,447
Sinatra tap-danced, come on.

976
00:45:58,520 --> 00:46:00,715
Nice. Nice. Big finish.

977
00:46:01,190 --> 00:46:03,954
Yeah. You wanna throw him
in the garbage?

978
00:46:04,526 --> 00:46:05,686
I'm kidding. Come on.

979
00:46:07,396 --> 00:46:08,761
Think like a gay guy.
We're gay, we're gay.

980
00:46:08,831 --> 00:46:09,855
Come on, gay. Gay it up.

981
00:46:09,932 --> 00:46:11,092
Here we go. Look at this.
Gay. What else? Gay.

982
00:46:11,166 --> 00:46:12,758
Shampoo for permed hair.
That's pretty gay.

983
00:46:12,835 --> 00:46:13,995
- Put it in there.
- Okay.

984
00:46:14,069 --> 00:46:15,093
Bandages.

985
00:46:15,170 --> 00:46:16,637
It's too rugged.

986
00:46:16,705 --> 00:46:18,263
- Really?
- Q-tips, get Q-tips.

987
00:46:18,340 --> 00:46:21,605
Gay guys like clean ears
for the licking and whatnot. Smart.

988
00:46:21,677 --> 00:46:22,677
What do you got?

989
00:46:22,745 --> 00:46:23,939
Maxi Pads.

990
00:46:24,013 --> 00:46:26,072
Now we have vaginas?
Put it back.

991
00:46:26,148 --> 00:46:29,379
Get some Streisand shit or something.
Just walk away, man.

992
00:46:29,585 --> 00:46:33,544
Gay. Very gay. Über gay.

993
00:46:33,622 --> 00:46:35,954
The gayest.
And the mother ship.

994
00:46:41,096 --> 00:46:42,096
Oh...

995
00:46:42,631 --> 00:46:44,428
- Chuck!
- Alex.

996
00:46:45,000 --> 00:46:46,797
- Hi!
- Wow.

997
00:46:46,869 --> 00:46:50,635
Oh, hey, did Larry tell you that
I talked to him about Fitzer stopping by?

998
00:46:50,706 --> 00:46:52,901
That guy is an infection,
but don't you worry about it,

999
00:46:52,975 --> 00:46:54,056
'cause I'm gonna handle it.

1000
00:46:54,109 --> 00:46:57,203
No, it's all good.
It's all gay all the way.

1001
00:46:59,248 --> 00:47:01,341
Are you doing anything
on Saturday night?

1002
00:47:01,417 --> 00:47:02,714
No. Why?

1003
00:47:02,785 --> 00:47:06,346
Well, I'm involved with this group,
and it's our big fundraiser thing and...

1004
00:47:06,422 --> 00:47:07,855
Look, I know it's
a little bit last-minute, but...

1005
00:47:07,923 --> 00:47:11,017
No, no, no!
Hey! Let's do this.

1006
00:47:11,093 --> 00:47:12,685
Let's party. Wow.

1007
00:47:12,761 --> 00:47:14,251
Awesome. Awesome!
Please.

1008
00:47:14,330 --> 00:47:15,456
Okay. It's gonna be a lot of fun.

1009
00:47:15,531 --> 00:47:16,623
I'm sure.

1010
00:47:16,699 --> 00:47:18,564
- Here's the info.
- Hell, yeah.

1011
00:47:18,634 --> 00:47:21,660
And don't forget
to bring your husband.

1012
00:47:21,737 --> 00:47:24,069
My, husband? Yes, of course.

1013
00:47:24,707 --> 00:47:26,140
Don't go anywhere without him.

1014
00:47:26,208 --> 00:47:29,177
He's like a...
He's like an infection, too.

1015
00:47:31,146 --> 00:47:35,549
Are you gonna be bringing
your significant other person thing?

1016
00:47:36,018 --> 00:47:37,986
Oh, I'm not gay,
if that's what you mean.

1017
00:47:38,053 --> 00:47:40,920
And I just broke up
with my boyfriend, so...

1018
00:47:42,057 --> 00:47:43,081
I mean...

1019
00:47:44,193 --> 00:47:47,356
It's fine.
So am I gonna see you there?

1020
00:47:47,529 --> 00:47:48,529
I'll be there.

1021
00:47:48,597 --> 00:47:49,655
Okay.

1022
00:47:49,732 --> 00:47:52,132
- Oh, you wanna go?
- Yeah.

1023
00:47:52,201 --> 00:47:53,964
- See you.
- Yeah.

1024
00:47:56,505 --> 00:47:58,268
Hell, yeah!

1025
00:47:59,274 --> 00:48:01,640
Sorry, did you say something?

1026
00:48:01,710 --> 00:48:06,909
No, they got K-Y jelly,
two for $1. Hell, yeah.

1027
00:48:08,417 --> 00:48:09,884
Okay. Bye.

1028
00:48:09,952 --> 00:48:11,385
Bye.

1029
00:48:14,923 --> 00:48:16,686
Yeah, this does work.

1030
00:48:20,996 --> 00:48:22,691
Got some mail for you,
Mr. Valentine.

1031
00:48:22,765 --> 00:48:25,632
Oh, okay. Thanks, Ron.

1032
00:48:27,836 --> 00:48:28,996
Something I can do for you?

1033
00:48:29,071 --> 00:48:32,097
I couldn't help overhearing
you and Mr. Levine

1034
00:48:32,174 --> 00:48:35,007
talking about your arrangement
the other day.

1035
00:48:35,077 --> 00:48:38,877
Yeah, we're a couple, so...

1036
00:48:38,947 --> 00:48:43,543
Right. I also caught
a bit of what you said pertaining to me.

1037
00:48:43,652 --> 00:48:44,676
What? I'm sorry?

1038
00:48:44,753 --> 00:48:49,053
I heard you mention to the gentleman
that you thought I was a hottie.

1039
00:48:49,124 --> 00:48:52,855
Oh. Yeah, you know what?
I'm sorry if that came off a little weird.

1040
00:48:52,928 --> 00:48:54,623
- I was feeling...
- Oh, no, no, no.

1041
00:48:54,696 --> 00:48:56,288
It's nothing to worry about, sir.

1042
00:48:57,099 --> 00:48:58,099
I don't bite.

1043
00:48:59,435 --> 00:49:00,732
Oh, okay.

1044
00:49:01,003 --> 00:49:02,493
Listen, just so you know,

1045
00:49:02,571 --> 00:49:04,436
if you're ever home alone
in the afternoons.

1046
00:49:05,307 --> 00:49:06,638
I make drop-offs.

1047
00:49:07,443 --> 00:49:08,501
Yeah.

1048
00:49:08,577 --> 00:49:09,976
And I always deliver.

1049
00:49:10,045 --> 00:49:12,707
You know what?
I'm pretty loyal to Chuck.

1050
00:49:12,781 --> 00:49:15,545
Right, I understand that.
I'm just saying if you ever want to

1051
00:49:15,617 --> 00:49:19,417
explore your other feelings,
there's no extra postage.

1052
00:49:19,521 --> 00:49:21,648
And it's always first-class.

1053
00:49:21,723 --> 00:49:24,590
All right. Anything else you feel
you need to say, there?

1054
00:49:24,660 --> 00:49:25,786
I handle with care.

1055
00:49:25,861 --> 00:49:27,385
Okay, Ron, thank you very much.
I appreciate it.

1056
00:49:27,463 --> 00:49:29,260
And I'd be happy to come in
through the back door.

1057
00:49:29,331 --> 00:49:31,424
I'm sure you would.

1058
00:49:31,500 --> 00:49:33,331
Used to holding
large packages.

1059
00:49:40,909 --> 00:49:42,774
This actually ain't
gonna be bad, man.

1060
00:49:42,845 --> 00:49:45,370
Just some regular
gay folks having a party.

1061
00:49:47,616 --> 00:49:50,210
I'm dirty! Who's dirty?
Are you...

1062
00:49:52,855 --> 00:49:55,119
Oh, my God, it's Homopalooza.

1063
00:50:01,730 --> 00:50:04,722
You know what? Find Alex, say hello,
and let's get the hell out of here.

1064
00:50:04,800 --> 00:50:06,233
I'm going to take a leak.

1065
00:50:06,301 --> 00:50:08,064
You're gonna go
to the men's room? Here?

1066
00:50:08,437 --> 00:50:09,529
What's wrong with that?

1067
00:50:09,605 --> 00:50:11,573
I peed three times
before I got here.

1068
00:50:11,874 --> 00:50:12,874
I'll be fine.

1069
00:50:12,941 --> 00:50:14,238
Apple martini?

1070
00:50:26,688 --> 00:50:28,815
Oh, yeah. There's my lawyer.

1071
00:50:35,998 --> 00:50:37,863
Look at that. Perfection.

1072
00:50:40,168 --> 00:50:42,693
I want to suck your blood.

1073
00:50:44,039 --> 00:50:45,700
Suck my what?

1074
00:50:47,009 --> 00:50:48,704
Nothing.

1075
00:50:48,777 --> 00:50:50,745
It's cool.
You want to suck something.

1076
00:50:50,812 --> 00:50:53,906
I was talking to somebody else.

1077
00:50:53,982 --> 00:50:55,847
Hey! Don't go, bitch!

1078
00:50:56,885 --> 00:50:58,512
Don't be a tease!

1079
00:50:59,621 --> 00:51:00,952
You whore!

1080
00:51:09,097 --> 00:51:10,655
Hello?

1081
00:51:13,669 --> 00:51:15,227
Anybody here?

1082
00:51:19,641 --> 00:51:22,872
Oh, my God.
All right, let's do this.

1083
00:51:37,559 --> 00:51:40,995
Chuck! Hey!
Oh, I'm so glad you made it.

1084
00:51:41,496 --> 00:51:43,088
Alex? That's you, right?

1085
00:51:43,165 --> 00:51:44,928
Yeah. I'm Catwoman.

1086
00:51:47,502 --> 00:51:49,026
Wow, so...

1087
00:51:49,104 --> 00:51:52,073
I had no idea Dracula
could look so fierce.

1088
00:51:52,140 --> 00:51:54,074
I like Betty Butterfly the most.

1089
00:51:54,142 --> 00:51:57,441
On, Stevie! On, Bobby! On, Sarah!

1090
00:51:57,512 --> 00:51:59,537
That's my brother, Kevin.

1091
00:51:59,615 --> 00:52:00,809
He's your brother?
You're related to him?

1092
00:52:00,882 --> 00:52:01,940
Yes.

1093
00:52:02,017 --> 00:52:04,485
He's gotta come out of the closet already.
I feel bad.

1094
00:52:04,553 --> 00:52:07,113
It must eat him up inside
knowing he's got so many secrets.

1095
00:52:07,189 --> 00:52:08,417
Shut up.

1096
00:52:12,127 --> 00:52:14,891
My underwear's
just riding up my core.

1097
00:52:15,397 --> 00:52:17,592
Seriously, I got some applesauce
going on down there.

1098
00:52:17,666 --> 00:52:20,032
I can't wait to launder
that load.

1099
00:52:20,102 --> 00:52:21,729
What's up, apple dumpling?
What's crack-a-lacking?

1100
00:52:21,803 --> 00:52:24,863
What's crack-a-what?
I'm sorry, who are you? Do I know you?

1101
00:52:24,940 --> 00:52:27,408
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm Kevin,
Alex's brother.

1102
00:52:27,476 --> 00:52:29,410
Oh, hey, man.
What's up, man?

1103
00:52:29,511 --> 00:52:30,705
Larry, Chuck's better half.

1104
00:52:30,779 --> 00:52:31,939
Oh, wow.

1105
00:52:32,014 --> 00:52:34,107
Better two-thirds, actually.

1106
00:52:34,349 --> 00:52:36,544
So, I got a question.
I know you know it's coming.

1107
00:52:36,618 --> 00:52:38,677
- I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna do it!
- Don't do it. Don't do it.

1108
00:52:38,754 --> 00:52:40,381
Who's pitching
and who's catching?

1109
00:52:40,455 --> 00:52:43,822
You mean who's the chick
and who's the guy and that kind of thing?

1110
00:52:43,892 --> 00:52:46,793
Please don't feel obligated to answer that.
It's none of our business.

1111
00:52:46,862 --> 00:52:47,954
I know it's not,
but it's fun to know.

1112
00:52:48,030 --> 00:52:50,828
Really not a problem. Let's see.
This is gonna be a cool experiment.

1113
00:52:50,899 --> 00:52:52,924
Who do you think
is the chick out of us two?

1114
00:52:53,001 --> 00:52:55,595
One, two, three. Chuck!
One, two, three. Chuck!

1115
00:52:55,671 --> 00:52:57,161
- So Chuck!
- I know.

1116
00:52:57,239 --> 00:52:58,866
What do you mean, Chuck?

1117
00:52:59,775 --> 00:53:02,243
Why would you think
I'm the chick?

1118
00:53:02,310 --> 00:53:03,777
Well, he's an apple.

1119
00:53:03,845 --> 00:53:06,245
Very masculine.
Very solid fruit.

1120
00:53:06,314 --> 00:53:09,613
And you're Count Suckula
with a straw in your beard.

1121
00:53:09,685 --> 00:53:12,916
I'm drinking through a straw
'cause I don't want to smear my lipstick.

1122
00:53:12,988 --> 00:53:15,684
Oh, yeah, that was worse. All right.
Good, good, good. Okay.

1123
00:53:15,757 --> 00:53:19,193
I also think it's because
you have very sweet, sensitive eyes.

1124
00:53:19,261 --> 00:53:22,424
And that's very rare
to find in a guy.

1125
00:53:22,497 --> 00:53:25,330
Well, you have very sweet
and sensitive eyes, too.

1126
00:53:25,400 --> 00:53:26,458
I do?

1127
00:53:26,535 --> 00:53:27,975
Us chicks should
stick together, huh?

1128
00:53:28,003 --> 00:53:29,493
Take it easy, buddy.

1129
00:53:29,571 --> 00:53:32,267
Girls rule and boys drool.

1130
00:53:32,340 --> 00:53:33,830
<i>Yeah.</i>

1131
00:53:33,909 --> 00:53:35,206
Oh, my God!

1132
00:53:35,277 --> 00:53:36,835
You okay? Breathe!

1133
00:53:37,079 --> 00:53:38,103
This is my jam!

1134
00:53:38,180 --> 00:53:40,861
This is my jam! You know that!
This is my jam! Watch my drink, okay?

1135
00:53:41,095 --> 00:53:43,086
- Okay, okay.
- It's my jam!

1136
00:53:44,331 --> 00:53:45,628
- So?
- Yo.

1137
00:53:46,133 --> 00:53:47,760
You gonna show me your moves?

1138
00:53:49,269 --> 00:53:52,067
Oh, my God,
she got the flags out.

1139
00:53:52,139 --> 00:53:53,697
I can't dance for shit.
Can you?

1140
00:53:53,774 --> 00:53:55,036
Hell, no.

1141
00:53:59,146 --> 00:54:02,377
Look at these guys, man.
They're freaking Travoltas!

1142
00:54:04,051 --> 00:54:08,010
Gay guys know how to dance good.
It's like the law or some shit.

1143
00:54:10,924 --> 00:54:12,551
Get in the circle right now!

1144
00:54:12,626 --> 00:54:13,888
Yeah, it's gonna be a blast.

1145
00:54:13,961 --> 00:54:15,292
Any second, man.
Glad to be here.

1146
00:54:15,362 --> 00:54:17,330
I can't wait. I can't wait!

1147
00:54:17,965 --> 00:54:19,592
Look at this.

1148
00:54:19,666 --> 00:54:22,863
Hey, the butterfly's coming
out of his cocoon again.

1149
00:54:24,738 --> 00:54:26,399
That's my brother!

1150
00:54:26,473 --> 00:54:28,668
This is his jam!
It is his jam.

1151
00:54:32,379 --> 00:54:33,437
Kevin's having fun.

1152
00:54:33,514 --> 00:54:34,776
I didn't need to see that.

1153
00:54:35,682 --> 00:54:37,013
I'm flying!

1154
00:54:37,084 --> 00:54:38,165
We gotta look good at this.

1155
00:54:38,218 --> 00:54:39,344
It's showtime, boys!

1156
00:54:39,420 --> 00:54:40,580
Whoa!

1157
00:54:41,922 --> 00:54:42,980
I'm sorry!

1158
00:54:43,056 --> 00:54:44,148
No, it's part of it.

1159
00:54:44,224 --> 00:54:47,785
All right, Larry, get up.
That's it, that's it, that's it.

1160
00:54:50,864 --> 00:54:53,094
We're busted, dude,
we're busted.

1161
00:54:53,167 --> 00:54:55,158
Let's go junior high on their ass.

1162
00:54:55,235 --> 00:54:56,293
Junior high?

1163
00:54:56,503 --> 00:54:58,130
Yeah. Let's do this.

1164
00:54:58,205 --> 00:54:59,433
Okay.

1165
00:55:13,854 --> 00:55:15,378
Is it working?

1166
00:55:15,456 --> 00:55:18,687
I don't know.
I'm afraid to look up.

1167
00:55:18,759 --> 00:55:20,818
I think it is.
I think it is.

1168
00:55:32,439 --> 00:55:34,168
Oh, my God.

1169
00:55:34,341 --> 00:55:36,741
We really pulled this one
out of our asses.

1170
00:55:37,144 --> 00:55:41,240
Bad choice of words, there, Larry.
Bad choice of words.

1171
00:55:45,185 --> 00:55:47,915
Hey, Chuck, Larry. We got a basketball
game every Tuesday night at 6:00.

1172
00:55:47,988 --> 00:55:50,183
If you guys want to play,
the butterfly knows how to get hold of us.

1173
00:55:50,257 --> 00:55:52,987
Okay, right on. Thank you. Thank you.
Yeah, we'll give you a buzz.

1174
00:55:53,060 --> 00:55:54,254
Nice to meet you guys.

1175
00:55:54,328 --> 00:55:58,287
<i>Sinners and fornicators!
We are not here in anger!</i>

1176
00:55:58,365 --> 00:56:01,425
<i>We are here to save you
from eternal damnation!</i>

1177
00:56:02,636 --> 00:56:03,694
Hey, buddy!

1178
00:56:03,770 --> 00:56:06,398
Wait, come on already!
This is a private event.

1179
00:56:06,473 --> 00:56:07,735
Now, give it a rest.

1180
00:56:07,808 --> 00:56:11,300
<i>Aren't you worried about
where you'll spend eternity?</i>

1181
00:56:11,411 --> 00:56:13,311
This is what these guys do
on a Saturday night?

1182
00:56:13,380 --> 00:56:16,076
They just want everyone to be
as miserable as they are.

1183
00:56:16,149 --> 00:56:21,052
Gay is not the way!
Gay is not the way! Gay is not the way!

1184
00:56:21,622 --> 00:56:22,782
It's over, baby.

1185
00:56:22,856 --> 00:56:24,790
Gay is not the way!
Gay is not the way!

1186
00:56:24,858 --> 00:56:29,591
Hey, hey! You heard the man.
It's a private party, so take a walk.

1187
00:56:29,663 --> 00:56:32,860
This is a public sidewalk.
We have every right to be here!

1188
00:56:32,933 --> 00:56:34,560
And we have every right
to be queer!

1189
00:56:34,635 --> 00:56:36,068
Yeah!

1190
00:56:37,771 --> 00:56:42,401
<i>Homosexuality is
an abomination.</i>

1191
00:56:42,776 --> 00:56:46,405
Hey, news flash, man.
That jacket's an abomination.

1192
00:56:47,014 --> 00:56:50,279
- Gay is the way! Gay is the way!
- Gay is not the way!

1193
00:56:50,784 --> 00:56:53,480
Hey, what makes you think
that you have the right to dictate

1194
00:56:53,554 --> 00:56:54,953
how other people
live their lives?

1195
00:56:55,022 --> 00:56:57,991
I'm a minister.
I'm allowed to preach in any public forum.

1196
00:56:58,058 --> 00:56:59,389
Well, I'm a fireman.

1197
00:56:59,459 --> 00:57:02,259
I say you're blocking emergency access,
so let's call it a night, guys.

1198
00:57:02,329 --> 00:57:04,991
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You're a fireman?

1199
00:57:05,065 --> 00:57:07,226
You are a disgrace!

1200
00:57:07,301 --> 00:57:09,792
<i>You're a flamer,
is what you are.</i>

1201
00:57:09,903 --> 00:57:11,928
- All right, oh, my God.
- There's no reasoning with these people.

1202
00:57:12,005 --> 00:57:14,439
Just let it go. Just let it go.
Just let it go.

1203
00:57:14,508 --> 00:57:16,271
Come on, come on.
Let it go, guys.

1204
00:57:16,343 --> 00:57:18,243
Have a good day.
See you later.

1205
00:57:18,312 --> 00:57:19,677
Faggots.

1206
00:57:20,414 --> 00:57:22,245
I'm sorry?
What did you call me?

1207
00:57:22,649 --> 00:57:24,640
Oh, I called you a faggot.

1208
00:57:25,719 --> 00:57:27,016
<i>Faggot.</i>

1209
00:57:30,824 --> 00:57:34,817
For your information,
the accepted vernacular is "gay."

1210
00:57:37,831 --> 00:57:41,892
Homos, one. Crazy people, zero.
Official score.

1211
00:57:48,909 --> 00:57:50,877
Gentlemen, I have
a very simple philosophy.

1212
00:57:50,944 --> 00:57:52,824
What you shove up your ass
is your own business.

1213
00:57:52,879 --> 00:57:54,540
- Captain...
- Shut up.

1214
00:57:54,615 --> 00:57:58,608
Now, it's not my style to get involved
in the personal lives of my firemen.

1215
00:57:58,685 --> 00:57:59,777
And if sometimes I've given you

1216
00:57:59,853 --> 00:58:02,413
the impression that I'm your friend,
I apologize.

1217
00:58:03,490 --> 00:58:08,223
However, I seriously doubt
that you two are banging each other.

1218
00:58:08,295 --> 00:58:11,822
You and Paula, the most beautiful couple
I ever laid eyes on.

1219
00:58:11,898 --> 00:58:16,028
And you, if my pencil sharpener
had a skirt, I'd have to hide it.

1220
00:58:16,903 --> 00:58:21,203
Look, do you have any idea of the stress
an administrative position entails?

1221
00:58:21,274 --> 00:58:23,504
I've already got
a prostate the size of a cantaloupe.

1222
00:58:23,577 --> 00:58:24,771
And now, thanks to you two bozos,

1223
00:58:24,845 --> 00:58:27,507
I've got the Pension Department
pissing up my chimney,

1224
00:58:27,581 --> 00:58:29,515
not to mention every flaming fruit bat
south of Poughkeepsie

1225
00:58:29,583 --> 00:58:32,609
that wants to come down here to our house
and slide up and down our pole!

1226
00:58:32,686 --> 00:58:34,483
- We should tell him the truth.
- We'll tell him the truth.

1227
00:58:34,554 --> 00:58:36,522
- We'll tell him the truth.
- lx-nay on the uth-tray!

1228
00:58:36,590 --> 00:58:38,080
I don't want to hear about it.

1229
00:58:38,158 --> 00:58:40,149
And if this marriage is
something you've cooked up

1230
00:58:40,227 --> 00:58:43,685
in response to this pension problem,
you are not taking me down with you.

1231
00:58:43,764 --> 00:58:45,527
I will report you.
You will go to jail,

1232
00:58:45,599 --> 00:58:46,998
where you won't have
to pretend to be gay,

1233
00:58:47,067 --> 00:58:50,298
because your asses'll be busier
than a test bench in a plunger factory.

1234
00:58:54,174 --> 00:58:57,041
I just wanted to thank you again
for what you did at the fundraiser.

1235
00:58:57,110 --> 00:58:59,635
Oh, yeah,
that was no big deal.

1236
00:58:59,713 --> 00:59:01,874
You sound a little down.
Where's Larry?

1237
00:59:01,948 --> 00:59:05,543
He's at school with the kids,
doing the Career Day thing.

1238
00:59:05,619 --> 00:59:08,247
So does that mean that you can have
a girl's day with me?

1239
00:59:08,321 --> 00:59:09,515
<i>- A girl's day?
- Yeah.</i>

1240
00:59:09,589 --> 00:59:11,887
<i>I need some new shoes,
new underwear.</i>

1241
00:59:11,958 --> 00:59:13,084
Girl's day!

1242
00:59:13,160 --> 00:59:14,218
<i>Uh-huh.</i>

1243
00:59:16,430 --> 00:59:19,092
Girl's day! Sure.

1244
00:59:20,467 --> 00:59:22,162
I'll pick you up.

1245
01:00:41,281 --> 01:00:46,344
So, by trading in
pre-refunded municipal bonds,

1246
01:00:46,419 --> 01:00:50,583
we can offer our clients
triple tax-exempt returns.

1247
01:00:51,458 --> 01:00:53,050
Any questions?

1248
01:00:55,962 --> 01:00:57,930
There never are.

1249
01:00:57,998 --> 01:01:02,025
Thank you, Mr. Auerbach,
for that very nice trip down Wall Street.

1250
01:01:02,102 --> 01:01:05,833
Our next parent is Larry Valentine,
Tori's father.

1251
01:01:05,906 --> 01:01:08,568
Hi, everybody!
I am a firefighter,

1252
01:01:09,142 --> 01:01:12,475
and I'm proud to be one because
it's my job to protect the community

1253
01:01:12,546 --> 01:01:15,709
and make sure
it's a safe environment for all.

1254
01:01:15,816 --> 01:01:18,341
Whoa!
We got some questions already.

1255
01:01:20,754 --> 01:01:22,016
Yeah.

1256
01:01:22,088 --> 01:01:26,047
I don't like girls, either.
Does that mean I'm gay, too?

1257
01:01:28,829 --> 01:01:30,854
No, no.

1258
01:01:32,032 --> 01:01:34,023
You were married
to a woman, right?

1259
01:01:34,668 --> 01:01:35,692
Yes.

1260
01:01:35,769 --> 01:01:38,203
Does that mean
you're half-lesbian?

1261
01:01:38,271 --> 01:01:42,207
Kids, Mr. Valentine is here to talk
about his career today, okay?

1262
01:01:42,275 --> 01:01:44,800
Mr. Valentine?
You said you're a fireman.

1263
01:01:44,878 --> 01:01:46,038
Yes, that is correct.

1264
01:01:46,112 --> 01:01:47,477
Do you have two jobs?

1265
01:01:47,547 --> 01:01:50,812
Because my dad said
that you're also a butt pirate.

1266
01:01:56,456 --> 01:01:57,684
Larry.

1267
01:01:57,757 --> 01:01:59,054
Steve.

1268
01:01:59,459 --> 01:02:00,517
Rough crowd, huh?

1269
01:02:00,594 --> 01:02:02,027
Kids.
Yeah.

1270
01:02:02,095 --> 01:02:05,826
So, listen. We're all set
for the Boy Scout overnight this month.

1271
01:02:05,899 --> 01:02:07,196
Oh, great. We're all set?

1272
01:02:08,268 --> 01:02:11,533
No, we're all set,
like we don't need any more fathers.

1273
01:02:11,605 --> 01:02:14,403
All right, well, then, I guess I'll see you
at Little League, then, all right?

1274
01:02:14,474 --> 01:02:16,704
Oh, you know what?
We're good.

1275
01:02:17,244 --> 01:02:18,336
We are good.

1276
01:02:18,411 --> 01:02:19,935
No, no, no, we're not good.

1277
01:02:20,647 --> 01:02:23,207
We don't need you for Little League.
We're good.

1278
01:02:23,283 --> 01:02:27,185
Okay, Steve, what's going on?
I signed up to coach three months ago.

1279
01:02:27,254 --> 01:02:31,054
Larry, I don't want to get into this
with you here.

1280
01:02:31,124 --> 01:02:34,560
Hey, you know what, Steve?
You're really starting to piss me off.

1281
01:02:34,628 --> 01:02:37,290
I'm trying to get Eric
interested in baseball.

1282
01:02:37,364 --> 01:02:39,628
That kid interested
in baseball?

1283
01:02:39,699 --> 01:02:41,826
You got a better chance getting
Colonel Sanders interested

1284
01:02:41,902 --> 01:02:44,029
in a hamburger, buddy.

1285
01:02:48,308 --> 01:02:50,538
Fight! Fight! Fight!

1286
01:02:53,713 --> 01:02:56,204
Your dad's gay and so are you.

1287
01:03:04,691 --> 01:03:06,454
Oh, my hair!
Oh, my hair, my hair!

1288
01:03:06,526 --> 01:03:07,720
Oh, my clothes!

1289
01:03:07,794 --> 01:03:09,386
Oh, am I frizzy?
I'm getting frizzy!

1290
01:03:09,462 --> 01:03:14,229
You asshole! Go back to Jersey!
You can go back to Jersey!

1291
01:03:14,301 --> 01:03:17,737
Come on, honey!
Please open the door!

1292
01:03:21,107 --> 01:03:24,008
Whoa, nice pad.

1293
01:03:24,077 --> 01:03:25,476
Oh, thank you.

1294
01:03:25,679 --> 01:03:29,171
Hey, you are soaked. Do you want to borrow
a sweatshirt or something?

1295
01:03:29,249 --> 01:03:31,809
No, no. I'm great, I'm great.
Thank you.

1296
01:03:31,885 --> 01:03:33,716
Okay, but I am freezing, so...

1297
01:03:38,425 --> 01:03:39,449
What are you doing there?

1298
01:03:39,526 --> 01:03:40,925
Well, it's wet.

1299
01:03:48,768 --> 01:03:51,293
Actually, you know what?
I'll take that sweatshirt.

1300
01:03:51,371 --> 01:03:52,565
Oh, yeah.

1301
01:03:54,941 --> 01:03:56,101
Thanks.

1302
01:04:06,086 --> 01:04:09,419
So, that's a great body
you got there. I mean,

1303
01:04:10,323 --> 01:04:12,484
it could be the best body
I've ever seen in my life.

1304
01:04:12,559 --> 01:04:13,821
Shut up.

1305
01:04:13,893 --> 01:04:16,088
Besides Larry's. But yours...

1306
01:04:17,464 --> 01:04:20,160
Your tush looks like
it's made of muscle,

1307
01:04:20,233 --> 01:04:22,827
and Larry's is made of pudding
and Quarter Pounders

1308
01:04:22,902 --> 01:04:24,597
and God knows what.

1309
01:04:24,671 --> 01:04:27,231
Well, these are real, by the way.
I mean, nobody thinks they are.

1310
01:04:27,240 --> 01:04:29,868
Everyone thinks they're fake,
but they are real.

1311
01:04:29,943 --> 01:04:34,004
Alex. You don't gotta lie to me.
We're two girls hanging out. Come on.

1312
01:04:34,080 --> 01:04:36,776
You kidding me?
There's no silicone here, I swear.

1313
01:04:36,850 --> 01:04:39,819
Oh, no big deal if they are or not.
I don't care.

1314
01:04:39,886 --> 01:04:42,218
I've got nothing to hide.
Feel them.

1315
01:04:42,956 --> 01:04:44,719
- Feel them?
- Feel them.

1316
01:04:45,291 --> 01:04:46,849
I mean, I...

1317
01:04:49,295 --> 01:04:50,990
I have a...

1318
01:04:51,064 --> 01:04:55,262
I'd rather feel a flabby man pec,
to be honest with you,

1319
01:04:55,335 --> 01:04:57,633
but in the name of science,
if you need me to hold

1320
01:04:57,704 --> 01:05:00,605
your bodacious Bahama mamas,

1321
01:05:00,673 --> 01:05:03,005
or whatever the guys call them nowadays,
I'll do it.

1322
01:05:03,076 --> 01:05:04,737
- Yes, go ahead.
- Oh!

1323
01:05:07,614 --> 01:05:09,104
Well?

1324
01:05:09,182 --> 01:05:11,047
Yeah, they're real.

1325
01:05:11,918 --> 01:05:13,146
Told you.

1326
01:05:13,420 --> 01:05:14,648
And creamy.

1327
01:05:17,590 --> 01:05:18,852
And fun.

1328
01:05:19,759 --> 01:05:21,886
For someone who would like
something like this, this is...

1329
01:05:21,961 --> 01:05:24,088
But to me, it's, like, ew.

1330
01:05:24,631 --> 01:05:27,759
I just got a little nauseous there,
touching them. That's funny.

1331
01:05:27,834 --> 01:05:29,426
You want a bite?

1332
01:05:30,336 --> 01:05:32,361
No, no, no.
Feeling them's enough.

1333
01:05:32,806 --> 01:05:33,830
I'll do that again.

1334
01:05:33,907 --> 01:05:37,274
No, no, I meant food.
Are you hungry?

1335
01:05:37,343 --> 01:05:39,868
Oh! I'm sorry.

1336
01:05:39,946 --> 01:05:41,937
Yeah, no... Just...

1337
01:05:42,849 --> 01:05:44,407
That was funny.

1338
01:05:55,562 --> 01:05:57,029
Nice, nice.

1339
01:05:59,966 --> 01:06:02,901
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Me and Nootzie against you three guys.

1340
01:06:02,969 --> 01:06:04,436
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1341
01:06:05,138 --> 01:06:06,628
You don't want to play?

1342
01:06:07,373 --> 01:06:09,466
Hey, Chuckie,
I gotta be honest with you.

1343
01:06:09,542 --> 01:06:12,773
You play real physical defense,
and none of us want you copping a feel

1344
01:06:12,846 --> 01:06:15,940
or rubbing up against
the old boosh-cadoosh here.

1345
01:06:16,182 --> 01:06:18,980
Just 'cause you're gay doesn't mean
that you're horny for every guy you meet.

1346
01:06:19,052 --> 01:06:21,350
Oh, really? 'Cause every time
you covered me in the past,

1347
01:06:21,421 --> 01:06:23,355
I feel like you were
grab-assing on me.

1348
01:06:23,423 --> 01:06:26,915
Yeah. Let the WNBA play.
Come on.

1349
01:06:28,128 --> 01:06:29,390
Fine, go.

1350
01:06:31,297 --> 01:06:32,889
Unbelievable.

1351
01:06:43,743 --> 01:06:44,971
Oh, God.

1352
01:06:45,645 --> 01:06:47,272
What, you want
to mess with me, too?

1353
01:06:47,947 --> 01:06:50,108
Huh? You want to mess
with the queer?

1354
01:06:50,183 --> 01:06:53,016
'Cause this queer don't take shit
from nobody. Let's go, then.

1355
01:06:53,086 --> 01:06:56,817
You ready? I'm a fireman, man!
I ain't afraid of nothing!

1356
01:06:58,558 --> 01:07:00,321
Put your fists down.

1357
01:07:20,380 --> 01:07:21,608
Me, too.

1358
01:07:22,315 --> 01:07:23,475
You, too?

1359
01:07:24,551 --> 01:07:25,551
You, too, what?

1360
01:07:27,620 --> 01:07:28,848
I'm gay.

1361
01:07:31,824 --> 01:07:34,258
I can't believe
I finally said it.

1362
01:07:36,229 --> 01:07:38,322
Oh, God, it feels so good.

1363
01:07:38,531 --> 01:07:41,159
It's just like a wave
is crashing over me.

1364
01:07:43,636 --> 01:07:45,263
It's so liberating.

1365
01:07:45,338 --> 01:07:46,669
Oh, yeah.

1366
01:07:48,908 --> 01:07:52,275
Do you remember
the first time you said it?

1367
01:07:52,812 --> 01:07:55,781
First time I said... Yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

1368
01:07:55,848 --> 01:07:57,748
I was with Larry.

1369
01:07:57,817 --> 01:07:59,512
- Your lover.
- Yeah.

1370
01:08:00,153 --> 01:08:02,644
Who, by the way,
is absolutely gorgeous.

1371
01:08:02,722 --> 01:08:04,519
Oh, thanks.

1372
01:08:04,591 --> 01:08:06,559
He's mine, though, so...

1373
01:08:06,626 --> 01:08:08,355
Oh, no, that's your man.

1374
01:08:08,428 --> 01:08:09,428
Mmm-hmm.

1375
01:08:09,495 --> 01:08:10,621
Yeah.

1376
01:08:10,697 --> 01:08:13,825
My whole life
I've been living a lie.

1377
01:08:13,900 --> 01:08:17,961
But you and Larry have given me
the strength to be true to myself.

1378
01:08:18,605 --> 01:08:20,630
"To thine own self be true."

1379
01:08:22,709 --> 01:08:26,907
There's nothing worse than pretending
to be something that you're not.

1380
01:08:26,980 --> 01:08:31,781
Yeah. Yeah, well, I'm glad.
I'm glad we helped you out,

1381
01:08:32,385 --> 01:08:35,183
and anything else we can do,
you don't hesitate to ask.

1382
01:08:35,488 --> 01:08:39,049
Would you help me
tell my parents?

1383
01:08:40,093 --> 01:08:41,117
I guess.

1384
01:08:41,194 --> 01:08:42,388
Yes!

1385
01:08:42,462 --> 01:08:44,589
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

1386
01:08:44,664 --> 01:08:46,393
Oh, yes, yes, yes, girl!

1387
01:08:48,101 --> 01:08:50,626
Hey, did you guys catch
that Mets game last night?

1388
01:08:50,703 --> 01:08:53,604
They got a shot of my cousin
throwing a beer at the ump.

1389
01:08:53,673 --> 01:08:56,267
I missed it. Took my sister
to the electrolysis place

1390
01:08:56,342 --> 01:08:57,673
for a second opinion.

1391
01:08:57,744 --> 01:08:59,405
They said there's nothing
they could do.

1392
01:09:01,814 --> 01:09:03,805
What the hell is so funny?

1393
01:09:30,476 --> 01:09:32,068
No!

1394
01:09:48,795 --> 01:09:49,853
Pick that up, would you?

1395
01:09:49,929 --> 01:09:51,726
I ain't picking that up!

1396
01:09:51,798 --> 01:09:54,528
You want my soap, Renaldo?
Right here.

1397
01:09:57,537 --> 01:09:58,936
Hey, Tony, give me your soap.

1398
01:09:59,005 --> 01:10:01,098
No. I don't share soap.
Too many germies.

1399
01:10:01,240 --> 01:10:02,832
Come on, give me the
damn bar of soap!

1400
01:10:02,942 --> 01:10:04,273
Get out of here!
Get out of here!

1401
01:10:11,818 --> 01:10:13,479
Who's gonna do it?

1402
01:10:41,214 --> 01:10:42,943
Hey, how you doing?

1403
01:10:45,218 --> 01:10:46,617
Hey, Duncan.

1404
01:10:48,154 --> 01:10:50,452
I'll tell you about that later.

1405
01:10:55,561 --> 01:11:00,521
<i>♪ 'Cause I'm every woman ♪
♪ It's all in me. ♪</i>

1406
01:11:00,600 --> 01:11:04,730
<i>♪ Anything you want now, baby ♪
♪ I'll do it naturally. ♪</i>

1407
01:11:07,740 --> 01:11:09,571
<i>♪ Let me hear you say it ♪</i>

1408
01:11:11,844 --> 01:11:12,844
Lawrence.

1409
01:11:12,912 --> 01:11:14,470
<i>♪ Oh, a little louder. ♪</i>

1410
01:11:16,749 --> 01:11:18,683
<i>♪ Everybody sing now. ♪</i>

1411
01:11:20,953 --> 01:11:23,148
<i>♪ I can't hear you sing. ♪</i>

1412
01:11:32,532 --> 01:11:33,897
All right, yours is done.

1413
01:11:33,966 --> 01:11:35,661
Yours, too.

1414
01:11:35,735 --> 01:11:37,259
All right, take a look.
Okay.

1415
01:11:37,336 --> 01:11:39,304
"Girlz Rule" with a "Z."

1416
01:11:39,372 --> 01:11:40,862
This is so awesome.

1417
01:11:40,940 --> 01:11:41,964
I hope you like yours.

1418
01:11:42,041 --> 01:11:43,406
Let's see here.

1419
01:11:43,976 --> 01:11:46,001
"Friends forever."

1420
01:11:47,013 --> 01:11:49,504
Anything with forever and you in it
sounds pretty good to me.

1421
01:11:49,582 --> 01:11:52,142
This is great.
Just slide her on.

1422
01:11:52,218 --> 01:11:54,118
You know what's
still bugging me, though?

1423
01:11:54,187 --> 01:11:57,418
That those Guidos wouldn't even
let you play basketball with them.

1424
01:11:57,490 --> 01:12:00,948
We could get a court order
and have them suspended in two seconds.

1425
01:12:01,027 --> 01:12:03,461
Court order? No, no, no.
These guys are good guys.

1426
01:12:03,529 --> 01:12:05,759
They're just having
problems adjusting.

1427
01:12:06,165 --> 01:12:08,099
Calm down. Relax.
Finish your wine.

1428
01:12:08,167 --> 01:12:09,498
Come on.

1429
01:12:09,569 --> 01:12:11,127
Okay.

1430
01:12:15,842 --> 01:12:17,571
- You're right. You're right.
- Yeah.

1431
01:12:17,643 --> 01:12:20,578
But you know what would really
help me to relax?

1432
01:12:22,648 --> 01:12:24,047
Is a foot rub.

1433
01:12:24,750 --> 01:12:28,584
Please. Please.
You'll be my bestest friend.

1434
01:12:29,422 --> 01:12:32,755
Oh, they're good.
Yeah, I can handle it. Give me these.

1435
01:12:33,826 --> 01:12:36,886
You know, I love that you're
a chubby chaser, by the way.

1436
01:12:36,963 --> 01:12:38,157
A chubby what-what?

1437
01:12:38,231 --> 01:12:40,256
Well, you know,
Larry's heavyset.

1438
01:12:40,333 --> 01:12:43,825
I mean, is that the type of guy
you've always been attracted to?

1439
01:12:44,904 --> 01:12:47,805
No, he's my first fatty.

1440
01:12:48,508 --> 01:12:52,376
Yeah, you guys really seem
like you have a lot of sexual chemistry.

1441
01:12:52,445 --> 01:12:54,936
I float his boat
and he sinks mine.

1442
01:12:55,414 --> 01:13:00,750
Yeah, I've never had that, really had that,
with anybody before. I just...

1443
01:13:00,820 --> 01:13:03,220
I don't even know
if I know what I'm doing.

1444
01:13:03,289 --> 01:13:04,289
What?

1445
01:13:04,357 --> 01:13:06,689
I'm serious. Come on.

1446
01:13:07,627 --> 01:13:10,562
Give me some moves.
How do you turn Larry on?

1447
01:13:10,930 --> 01:13:13,330
How do I turn Larry on?

1448
01:13:15,067 --> 01:13:19,333
I mean, to get him into bed, of course,
I just lay a pizza out...

1449
01:13:19,405 --> 01:13:20,929
- No!
- ...and he comes running.

1450
01:13:21,007 --> 01:13:22,531
Really. Seriously.

1451
01:13:23,709 --> 01:13:29,409
Well, he likes it
when I rub his big, hairy earlobe.

1452
01:13:29,949 --> 01:13:31,382
That gets him crazy.

1453
01:13:31,450 --> 01:13:32,474
Really?

1454
01:13:32,552 --> 01:13:34,281
Yeah, it's a spot of his.

1455
01:13:35,087 --> 01:13:36,384
Try it on me.

1456
01:13:36,455 --> 01:13:37,752
- Try it on you?
- Yeah, yeah.

1457
01:13:37,823 --> 01:13:38,915
Yeah.

1458
01:13:38,991 --> 01:13:40,959
You know, I just grab it and...

1459
01:13:42,461 --> 01:13:46,898
Usually when I do this to Larry,
he's like, boing! You know?

1460
01:13:47,700 --> 01:13:49,258
- I love it.
- You do?

1461
01:13:49,335 --> 01:13:50,768
Yeah. Like that?

1462
01:13:50,836 --> 01:13:53,566
Sure, sure, yeah, yeah, yeah,
work both hands. I like that.

1463
01:13:53,639 --> 01:13:56,403
And then you can go to some hair-pulling,
right about like that.

1464
01:13:56,475 --> 01:13:57,533
- Like that?
- Yeah.

1465
01:13:57,610 --> 01:13:59,737
Oh, yeah, let him know you're there,
know what I mean?

1466
01:13:59,812 --> 01:14:01,712
And then the slap out
of nowhere is good.

1467
01:14:01,781 --> 01:14:03,544
- That is good.
- Uh-huh.

1468
01:14:04,550 --> 01:14:07,178
Yeah. Not Ultimate Fighting
kind of smacking.

1469
01:14:07,253 --> 01:14:10,017
Just light and sexual and fun.
Sorry.

1470
01:14:10,089 --> 01:14:12,853
How did you get to be
so good at all this?

1471
01:14:12,925 --> 01:14:15,723
I don't know.
A lot of practice I guess.

1472
01:14:15,795 --> 01:14:19,128
I used to be kind of a jerk.

1473
01:14:19,198 --> 01:14:23,259
But then you meet
somebody special

1474
01:14:23,336 --> 01:14:26,237
who makes you
not want to be a jerk anymore.

1475
01:14:26,305 --> 01:14:31,834
Actually, it makes you want to
give everything you got to that one person.

1476
01:14:35,681 --> 01:14:38,673
Yeah. You know, it's true when women say
that all of the good men are

1477
01:14:38,751 --> 01:14:40,912
either gay or married.

1478
01:14:40,987 --> 01:14:44,548
And of course,
I'm hanging out with one who's both.

1479
01:14:44,624 --> 01:14:49,152
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Just for the record, though,

1480
01:14:49,228 --> 01:14:52,686
if I wasn't so
into chubby hubbies

1481
01:14:52,765 --> 01:14:54,824
or chunky monkeys...
What did you say again?

1482
01:14:54,900 --> 01:14:55,900
Chubby chaser.

1483
01:14:55,968 --> 01:14:57,367
Oh, yeah, yeah.

1484
01:14:58,971 --> 01:15:01,098
I would be just so all over you.

1485
01:15:01,173 --> 01:15:03,835
Oh, come on. No way.

1486
01:15:03,909 --> 01:15:05,706
Are you kidding me?
Look at you.

1487
01:15:05,778 --> 01:15:11,614
You're gorgeous, and you're smart,
you're passionate, funny.

1488
01:15:14,253 --> 01:15:16,312
I'm just so happy I met you.

1489
01:15:16,389 --> 01:15:18,323
Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

1490
01:15:19,291 --> 01:15:21,953
Friends. Friends forever.

1491
01:15:31,837 --> 01:15:33,202
Oh, yeah.

1492
01:15:40,479 --> 01:15:42,572
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, what are we doing?

1493
01:15:42,648 --> 01:15:46,140
Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, no.
Hey, hey, Alex.

1494
01:15:46,719 --> 01:15:49,688
I just never felt this way
about a woman before.

1495
01:15:49,755 --> 01:15:51,017
Because you're gay.

1496
01:15:51,090 --> 01:15:53,320
And you're married.
And you're my client.

1497
01:15:53,492 --> 01:15:54,516
This is so wrong!

1498
01:15:54,593 --> 01:15:56,754
No, it's not about right or wrong,

1499
01:15:56,829 --> 01:16:00,094
or gay or straight,
or hard or soft. It's...

1500
01:16:04,270 --> 01:16:05,362
Wow.

1501
01:16:05,971 --> 01:16:07,939
No! I can't see you.

1502
01:16:08,140 --> 01:16:10,540
I can't see you.
Except as a client.

1503
01:16:10,609 --> 01:16:12,509
Alex, don't say that. Please?

1504
01:16:12,578 --> 01:16:15,638
I believe in marriage.
I believe in what it represents.

1505
01:16:15,715 --> 01:16:20,914
I betrayed you. I betrayed Larry!
Oh, my God, poor Larry!

1506
01:16:20,986 --> 01:16:25,548
Larry, he's a great guy, but I gotta be
honest with you, our marriage is...

1507
01:16:26,325 --> 01:16:30,591
All he does is watch his baseball games,
and, like, I don't even exist anymore!

1508
01:16:30,730 --> 01:16:32,254
You have to go. I'm sorry.

1509
01:16:32,665 --> 01:16:34,223
He hits me, though.

1510
01:16:34,300 --> 01:16:37,565
I'm so sorry.
Please, please, please go.

1511
01:16:46,445 --> 01:16:47,503
Hey!

1512
01:16:48,848 --> 01:16:51,442
What the hell's going on out here?

1513
01:16:52,184 --> 01:16:55,620
Nothing. I'm just draining a few buckets
with Eric and Tori over here,

1514
01:16:55,688 --> 01:16:57,178
making small talk, you know?

1515
01:16:57,356 --> 01:16:58,596
You'd think on such a nice day,

1516
01:16:58,624 --> 01:17:00,785
your husband would want to
spend time with his family.

1517
01:17:00,860 --> 01:17:03,226
Where is he, anyway?
Is he out straight-bashing again?

1518
01:17:03,295 --> 01:17:05,496
No, he's at his mother's.
He's taking her to the movies.

1519
01:17:05,531 --> 01:17:08,466
No, Daddy.
He's with that smoking hot lawyer lady

1520
01:17:08,534 --> 01:17:10,934
he always talks about
when you're not around.

1521
01:17:11,003 --> 01:17:12,470
He is?

1522
01:17:14,039 --> 01:17:15,097
Hey!

1523
01:17:16,108 --> 01:17:19,874
I just felt a breeze,
Mr. Valentine,

1524
01:17:19,945 --> 01:17:22,641
and that breeze is blowing
straight towards justice.

1525
01:17:34,760 --> 01:17:37,729
Hey, guys, we got a perpetrator
lodged in the air duct.

1526
01:17:37,797 --> 01:17:41,665
Apparently tried to break in last night,
got stuck.

1527
01:17:41,734 --> 01:17:43,133
You're the guys
from the newspaper, right?

1528
01:17:43,202 --> 01:17:45,136
Yeah, that's us. All right, well,
then you're gonna love this.

1529
01:17:45,204 --> 01:17:49,641
The guy got stuck upside-down,
so his ass is still hanging out for you.

1530
01:17:49,708 --> 01:17:51,869
That's pretty funny.
Did your moustache come up with that?

1531
01:17:51,944 --> 01:17:54,572
Oh, I'm sorry,
I don't speak Gayanese.

1532
01:17:57,516 --> 01:18:00,349
Hey, anybody!
You gotta get me out of here!

1533
01:18:00,419 --> 01:18:02,512
I just peed on my face!

1534
01:18:02,588 --> 01:18:05,785
All right, relax, buddy,
I'm here to help.

1535
01:18:06,158 --> 01:18:09,719
Unlike some people around here,
who only help themselves.

1536
01:18:09,795 --> 01:18:11,695
- Who are you talking about?
- You.

1537
01:18:11,764 --> 01:18:12,924
Why? What happened?

1538
01:18:12,998 --> 01:18:14,625
Fitzer came by today,
and Tori told him about

1539
01:18:14,700 --> 01:18:16,463
your obsession
with our hot-ass lawyer.

1540
01:18:16,535 --> 01:18:18,901
Obsession? What? What?
What is she talking about?

1541
01:18:18,971 --> 01:18:21,599
Don't even give me that,
Mr. I'm Taking My Mom To A Movie.

1542
01:18:21,674 --> 01:18:23,164
You know what?
Maybe if you were around today,

1543
01:18:23,242 --> 01:18:25,403
Fitzer would actually think that,
I don't know, you like me.

1544
01:18:25,477 --> 01:18:27,570
Hey, man, I gotta lie to you!

1545
01:18:27,646 --> 01:18:29,910
Thanks to you,
I gotta lie to everybody!

1546
01:18:29,982 --> 01:18:33,179
Especially Alex!
I can't be honest with her!

1547
01:18:33,252 --> 01:18:36,052
I can't even get close to her.
I can't even have freaking fun with her!

1548
01:18:36,088 --> 01:18:39,216
Why can't you have fun with me?
We always used to have fun. I just...

1549
01:18:39,291 --> 01:18:40,758
Because you've changed!

1550
01:18:40,826 --> 01:18:43,056
Ever since you forced me
to marry you,

1551
01:18:43,128 --> 01:18:44,493
you're so goddamn controlling.

1552
01:18:44,563 --> 01:18:47,498
You don't act like my freaking husband,
you act like my boss.

1553
01:18:47,566 --> 01:18:50,967
"Don't do this!" "Don't do that!"
"Hey, what time you coming home tonight?"

1554
01:18:51,036 --> 01:18:53,470
You're smothering me, man!
I can't freaking breathe!

1555
01:18:53,539 --> 01:18:55,507
What you guys need
is a bubble bath.

1556
01:18:55,574 --> 01:18:56,700
Shut up!

1557
01:18:56,775 --> 01:19:00,438
Idiot, the only reason you're feeling that way
is because you're afraid of feeling trapped.

1558
01:19:00,512 --> 01:19:02,173
That's what happens
when you get married!

1559
01:19:02,248 --> 01:19:04,944
Fat-ass, we're not
really married!

1560
01:19:05,017 --> 01:19:07,315
I'm just in some gay,
crazy nightmare!

1561
01:19:07,386 --> 01:19:09,911
Yeah, that you can't commit to,
'cause you can't commit to anything!

1562
01:19:09,989 --> 01:19:13,230
I swear to God, I feel like I'm the only
one who's trying to make this thing work!

1563
01:19:13,259 --> 01:19:16,990
Work! That's right, it's become work!
This relationship is work!

1564
01:19:17,062 --> 01:19:19,724
Face it, we are not
supposed to be together.

1565
01:19:19,798 --> 01:19:22,596
I found somebody
I really want to be with.

1566
01:19:22,668 --> 01:19:24,898
Instead of being jealous of that,
why don't you do the same?

1567
01:19:24,970 --> 01:19:26,699
Because I still love my wife.

1568
01:19:26,772 --> 01:19:29,070
Well, move on already.

1569
01:19:29,141 --> 01:19:32,235
Your house is like
a freaking shrine to Paula!

1570
01:19:32,311 --> 01:19:35,178
One of these days
you gotta get a real wife,

1571
01:19:35,247 --> 01:19:37,738
one that your kids don't gotta
lie about every two seconds.

1572
01:19:37,816 --> 01:19:39,909
No, you can't keep it in your pants
for five minutes,

1573
01:19:39,985 --> 01:19:41,612
and that's why we're
so screwed up now!

1574
01:19:41,687 --> 01:19:44,918
Whoa, back up, buddy.
You know why we're in this jam.

1575
01:19:44,990 --> 01:19:46,958
'Cause you can't open
your freaking mail!

1576
01:19:47,026 --> 01:19:49,620
Everything with Paula's name on it
gets tossed in a desk

1577
01:19:49,695 --> 01:19:51,788
and filed under
"Too painful to deal with"!

1578
01:19:51,897 --> 01:19:54,627
Guys, could you at least call
another fire department?

1579
01:19:54,700 --> 01:19:57,362
What is your rush, idiot?
You're going straight to jail anyway.

1580
01:19:57,436 --> 01:20:00,371
You know what? I cannot deal with sleeping
next to your stupid, ugly face tonight.

1581
01:20:00,439 --> 01:20:01,667
So don't bother coming
in the bedroom.

1582
01:20:01,740 --> 01:20:03,230
Oh, wouldn't dream of it, honey.

1583
01:20:03,309 --> 01:20:06,870
You are a lousy best friend
and a shitty husband!

1584
01:20:06,946 --> 01:20:10,074
Hey! For the record,
every time I laughed at one of your jokes,

1585
01:20:10,149 --> 01:20:12,117
I was faking it.

1586
01:20:12,217 --> 01:20:13,844
You're a monster!

1587
01:20:19,258 --> 01:20:21,988
Oh, my God,
it's Mr. February!

1588
01:20:22,061 --> 01:20:24,655
I love you, I love you, I love you!

1589
01:20:24,730 --> 01:20:26,061
I love you!

1590
01:20:30,069 --> 01:20:32,264
Wow, that's a gay bracelet.

1591
01:20:33,038 --> 01:20:34,471
I hope Fitzer sees that.

1592
01:20:36,008 --> 01:20:37,339
Shut up.

1593
01:20:47,786 --> 01:20:48,912
You needed to see us?

1594
01:20:48,988 --> 01:20:50,421
Shut the door.

1595
01:20:52,591 --> 01:20:55,151
You know,
for the first time this month,

1596
01:20:55,227 --> 01:20:58,196
I pissed without spraying
in all three urinals at once,

1597
01:20:58,263 --> 01:20:59,730
so I was in a relatively good mood.

1598
01:21:00,265 --> 01:21:01,823
Until I received this.

1599
01:21:04,503 --> 01:21:06,300
Seems the guys in the company
took a meeting.

1600
01:21:06,372 --> 01:21:09,808
They all signed that petition requesting
that I transfer you both out of here.

1601
01:21:09,875 --> 01:21:11,570
- What?
- And you're gonna listen to these idiots?

1602
01:21:11,643 --> 01:21:13,372
I'm not gonna do it,
but I have to do something

1603
01:21:13,445 --> 01:21:14,707
to keep the peace.

1604
01:21:14,780 --> 01:21:16,475
Now, personally,
I think it's just a matter of time

1605
01:21:16,548 --> 01:21:19,346
before your little act gets busted.
Until then, you're on separate shifts.

1606
01:21:19,418 --> 01:21:20,442
- What?
- Separate shifts?

1607
01:21:20,519 --> 01:21:22,111
Hey, we've been together forever!

1608
01:21:22,187 --> 01:21:24,519
So were my balls,
and now I only have one of them.

1609
01:21:24,590 --> 01:21:25,648
What?

1610
01:21:25,724 --> 01:21:28,215
Valentine, go to work.
Levine, go home.

1611
01:21:36,235 --> 01:21:37,862
Hey, fellas!

1612
01:21:38,137 --> 01:21:42,631
Hey. Heard you guys have been
circulating a petition.

1613
01:21:43,942 --> 01:21:47,139
You mind if I take a look at it?

1614
01:21:47,713 --> 01:21:50,580
Oh, what do you know?
I got it right here.

1615
01:21:51,083 --> 01:21:53,244
It's impressive.
Lot of names.

1616
01:21:53,452 --> 01:21:55,545
Let's go down the list,
see who we got here.

1617
01:21:56,555 --> 01:22:01,117
Nootzie! Hey, you remember that time
Chuck and I ran back in that textile plant

1618
01:22:01,393 --> 01:22:03,418
and dragged your limp body out?

1619
01:22:03,495 --> 01:22:06,953
Even though Chuck's leg was broken,
like, in three different places?

1620
01:22:07,032 --> 01:22:10,024
I mean, that was pretty
freaking gay of Chuck, huh?

1621
01:22:10,102 --> 01:22:13,003
Wow. Renaldo!

1622
01:22:13,505 --> 01:22:15,769
Man, I remember your first day
on the job.

1623
01:22:15,841 --> 01:22:19,174
Remember you were so scared
you actually crapped yourself?

1624
01:22:19,244 --> 01:22:20,973
And Chuck and I,
we snuck you back in here,

1625
01:22:21,046 --> 01:22:22,877
we cleaned you up
so nobody'd find out.

1626
01:22:22,948 --> 01:22:24,745
You begged us not to tell anyone,
and did we?

1627
01:22:24,883 --> 01:22:25,883
Let's ask.

1628
01:22:26,618 --> 01:22:29,485
You guys hear that story before right now?
Show of hands?

1629
01:22:29,555 --> 01:22:31,352
No, but it's hilarious.

1630
01:22:31,423 --> 01:22:33,482
Yeah, it is hilarious.

1631
01:22:35,060 --> 01:22:38,052
Tony! Nice signature.

1632
01:22:38,130 --> 01:22:40,860
Hey, is that the same one you used
to endorse the check that Chuck gave you

1633
01:22:40,933 --> 01:22:43,959
when you gambled away
your mortgage payment on college football?

1634
01:22:44,036 --> 01:22:46,334
I guess his money wasn't
too gay to bail you out

1635
01:22:46,405 --> 01:22:48,532
or keep your wife
from leaving you again.

1636
01:22:48,607 --> 01:22:49,904
Again?

1637
01:22:50,742 --> 01:22:52,403
I guess Chuck's
not enough of a man

1638
01:22:52,478 --> 01:22:54,878
to work next to big strong heroes
like you guys.

1639
01:22:56,014 --> 01:22:58,005
Oh, look at that. Fire.

1640
01:22:58,083 --> 01:22:59,607
Well, I hope it's not a bad one,

1641
01:22:59,685 --> 01:23:01,585
'cause the faggot who's been
saving your sorry asses

1642
01:23:01,653 --> 01:23:04,645
is now, thanks to you,
working on another shift. Let's go!

1643
01:23:07,860 --> 01:23:10,090
"That's when Sadie said",

1644
01:23:10,162 --> 01:23:13,256
"Love will always help you
find your way home."

1645
01:23:14,533 --> 01:23:17,263
Sleeping. Sleeping.

1646
01:23:20,506 --> 01:23:22,030
That was easy.

1647
01:23:57,576 --> 01:23:59,703
Paula, you know I love you.

1648
01:24:02,047 --> 01:24:03,412
I gotta.

1649
01:24:23,101 --> 01:24:24,193
Hey.

1650
01:24:26,004 --> 01:24:27,301
I'm sorry.

1651
01:24:28,674 --> 01:24:30,039
Me, too.

1652
01:24:30,809 --> 01:24:31,833
That stuff I said...

1653
01:24:31,910 --> 01:24:33,172
I know.

1654
01:24:35,781 --> 01:24:38,045
Can I sleep in the bed tonight?

1655
01:24:40,185 --> 01:24:41,709
I'd like that.

1656
01:24:43,021 --> 01:24:44,454
All right.

1657
01:24:46,458 --> 01:24:48,255
- Come here.
- Yeah.

1658
01:24:57,569 --> 01:24:59,196
Handle with care.

1659
01:25:00,572 --> 01:25:02,133
Larry...

1660
01:25:03,542 --> 01:25:08,172
Don't let him sleep
on top of me again, Larry.

1661
01:25:08,247 --> 01:25:10,408
Don't do the voice.
I will kill you, I swear.

1662
01:25:10,482 --> 01:25:11,608
Okay, then.

1663
01:25:11,683 --> 01:25:13,207
Hey! Hey, hey!

1664
01:25:13,285 --> 01:25:15,185
You ready for your big day,
little man?

1665
01:25:15,254 --> 01:25:16,312
Big day?

1666
01:25:16,388 --> 01:25:19,824
My audition, Dad. Me and Uncle Chuck
have been practicing for weeks.

1667
01:25:19,891 --> 01:25:23,190
He wanted to work with you,
but I was around, so...

1668
01:25:23,262 --> 01:25:27,323
Why don't you do one last rehearsal,
let your father play the Annie role?

1669
01:25:27,399 --> 01:25:29,594
Fabulicious!
I'll get my music!

1670
01:25:29,668 --> 01:25:31,499
Did you hear that?
It's fabulicious!

1671
01:25:31,570 --> 01:25:33,299
- Hey, come on, come on.
- Okay.

1672
01:25:33,472 --> 01:25:36,771
<i>♪ May, me, my, ♪
♪ mo, mo Me, my, mo, may. ♪</i>

1673
01:25:37,009 --> 01:25:42,447
<i>♪ Anything you can do, I can do better ♪
♪ I can do anything better than you. ♪</i>

1674
01:25:42,614 --> 01:25:44,104
<i>♪ No, you can't ♪
♪ Yes, I can. ♪</i>

1675
01:25:44,182 --> 01:25:45,308
<i>♪ No, you can't ♪
♪ Yes, I can. ♪</i>

1676
01:25:45,384 --> 01:25:46,646
<i>♪ No, you can't. ♪</i>

1677
01:25:46,718 --> 01:25:48,652
<i>♪ Yes, I can, yes, I can. ♪</i>

1678
01:25:48,720 --> 01:25:50,551
Yes, he can! Hit it!

1679
01:25:51,657 --> 01:25:53,249
There's my star!

1680
01:25:53,325 --> 01:25:57,625
Turn it around, and a flip, flip, flip,
flippety-flip and a skip.

1681
01:25:58,130 --> 01:25:59,529
Double-time!

1682
01:26:05,237 --> 01:26:06,499
And a Russian split!

1683
01:26:06,672 --> 01:26:08,902
Oh, you nailed it!

1684
01:26:08,974 --> 01:26:10,407
My kid is pretty awesome.

1685
01:26:10,475 --> 01:26:12,534
There's only one guy I know
who can dance better than that.

1686
01:26:12,611 --> 01:26:14,704
- Who?
- The homeless guy from our wedding.

1687
01:26:16,081 --> 01:26:18,572
That dude was
pretty good. Yeah!

1688
01:26:21,586 --> 01:26:23,247
Balls and wieners.

1689
01:26:23,322 --> 01:26:24,346
<i>Is it true?</i>

1690
01:26:24,556 --> 01:26:25,750
Alex?

1691
01:26:28,527 --> 01:26:29,653
Look at this.

1692
01:26:29,861 --> 01:26:33,160
Sixteen depositions from women
who claim to have slept with you

1693
01:26:33,231 --> 01:26:34,664
over the last year and a half.

1694
01:26:34,733 --> 01:26:36,166
Just 16?

1695
01:26:36,234 --> 01:26:38,293
Thank God the 500 other ones
couldn't read or write.

1696
01:26:38,370 --> 01:26:41,635
Wait a minute.
You knew about him and all these women?

1697
01:26:41,707 --> 01:26:44,437
Alex, know what it is?
We've been through this before.

1698
01:26:44,509 --> 01:26:45,669
Chuck's...

1699
01:26:45,844 --> 01:26:48,244
He's got a bit of a problem.

1700
01:26:48,313 --> 01:26:51,373
He messes around
with women because

1701
01:26:52,551 --> 01:26:54,985
he's ashamed of being gay.

1702
01:26:55,053 --> 01:26:57,453
Now, is it all just about you,

1703
01:26:57,556 --> 01:27:00,320
or do you really just don't consider
anybody else's feelings?

1704
01:27:00,392 --> 01:27:02,986
No, I don't.
I'm just a big gay jerk.

1705
01:27:06,264 --> 01:27:08,105
- What are you doing?
- You know you like that.

1706
01:27:08,133 --> 01:27:10,829
Guys, guys, the shit is
about to hit the fan, okay?

1707
01:27:10,902 --> 01:27:12,130
And if I'm gonna defend you,

1708
01:27:12,204 --> 01:27:14,365
I have to know the truth.

1709
01:27:14,439 --> 01:27:18,205
You have to look me in the eyes
and tell me that you are gay

1710
01:27:18,276 --> 01:27:19,743
and that this marriage
is legitimate.

1711
01:27:19,811 --> 01:27:22,678
Alex, we're gay, okay?

1712
01:27:22,748 --> 01:27:25,080
And we are married.

1713
01:27:29,187 --> 01:27:30,745
It's real.

1714
01:27:32,824 --> 01:27:34,348
Can you help us out?

1715
01:27:34,860 --> 01:27:36,259
Okay.

1716
01:27:37,629 --> 01:27:40,291
Okay. This investigation is
gonna get rough.

1717
01:27:40,465 --> 01:27:43,161
They are gonna quiz you
about every detail of your lives,

1718
01:27:43,235 --> 01:27:45,601
every aspect
of your relationship.

1719
01:27:45,670 --> 01:27:50,107
But since you guys are telling the truth,
then I'm sure you'll be fine.

1720
01:27:51,743 --> 01:27:54,974
Just for the record, I thought
this was a man when I was with her.

1721
01:27:55,046 --> 01:27:56,911
Does that help us out at all?

1722
01:28:04,689 --> 01:28:07,157
Let's go over it again.
Your birthday?

1723
01:28:07,225 --> 01:28:09,284
April 26th. Taurus.

1724
01:28:09,361 --> 01:28:10,487
Got it.

1725
01:28:10,562 --> 01:28:11,654
Yours?

1726
01:28:11,730 --> 01:28:12,890
September 9th. Virgo.

1727
01:28:13,732 --> 01:28:15,461
How about
your favorite brand of underwear?

1728
01:28:15,534 --> 01:28:17,399
That would be
Mr. Calvin Klein.

1729
01:28:17,469 --> 01:28:19,835
I can tell you
my least favorite.

1730
01:28:19,905 --> 01:28:20,997
Whoa!

1731
01:28:47,499 --> 01:28:49,399
I love you, Mr. February!

1732
01:28:49,868 --> 01:28:52,564
You're going down!
You're an abomination! Homo!

1733
01:28:56,541 --> 01:28:58,532
I'm on fire! Help me!

1734
01:28:58,610 --> 01:29:00,339
We're all with you, Larry!

1735
01:29:00,412 --> 01:29:02,607
<i>Fear the queer!</i>

1736
01:29:12,290 --> 01:29:14,588
Thou shalt not lie with men!

1737
01:29:14,659 --> 01:29:16,957
All right, Mr. February,

1738
01:29:17,028 --> 01:29:19,758
let's go show these guys
how married we are.

1739
01:29:19,831 --> 01:29:21,389
What the heck?

1740
01:29:34,880 --> 01:29:36,370
What are you guys doing here?

1741
01:29:36,448 --> 01:29:40,714
We're here to apologize and back you up,
like you always did for us.

1742
01:29:40,785 --> 01:29:44,448
Yeah, we all lost a lot of friends on
this job that we will never get back.

1743
01:29:44,523 --> 01:29:47,458
We don't want to lose two more
because we were being thickheaded.

1744
01:29:47,526 --> 01:29:49,790
Yeah. We're partners for life.

1745
01:29:50,228 --> 01:29:52,196
Not partners like youse two,

1746
01:29:52,264 --> 01:29:54,255
but you know what I mean.

1747
01:29:54,332 --> 01:29:55,458
Yeah.

1748
01:29:56,468 --> 01:29:57,867
I love youse guys.

1749
01:29:57,936 --> 01:29:59,267
That's all right, man.

1750
01:29:59,337 --> 01:30:02,238
Molest him! No, I'm just kidding.
I'm kidding you, Nootz. I'm kidding.

1751
01:30:06,177 --> 01:30:07,906
- Hey, Chuckie.
- Yeah?

1752
01:30:08,046 --> 01:30:10,412
- I gotta ask you something. I mean...
- What's up?

1753
01:30:10,482 --> 01:30:11,915
...why'd you pick Larry?

1754
01:30:12,150 --> 01:30:16,052
I mean, I work out,
I tweeze my unibrow.

1755
01:30:16,555 --> 01:30:18,853
Am I not good-looking enough for you
or some shit?

1756
01:30:18,924 --> 01:30:21,119
No, no, no.
Renaldo, you're just not my type.

1757
01:30:21,192 --> 01:30:22,523
You're a 10.

1758
01:30:22,861 --> 01:30:26,058
I just like them chubby.
That's my thing.

1759
01:30:28,500 --> 01:30:29,762
I'm a 10!

1760
01:30:30,035 --> 01:30:33,027
You hear that? I'm a 10!

1761
01:30:33,104 --> 01:30:34,799
On a scale to 100.

1762
01:30:35,240 --> 01:30:38,539
You're just jealous
'cause gay guys like me.

1763
01:30:40,245 --> 01:30:43,544
Good morning, everyone.
I'm Daniel Banks, City Council President,

1764
01:30:43,615 --> 01:30:46,607
and I'll be presiding
over these proceedings.

1765
01:30:46,685 --> 01:30:50,018
It's going to be a long day,
so let's dispense with the preliminaries

1766
01:30:50,088 --> 01:30:53,819
and just get started. Mr. Fitzer.

1767
01:30:58,730 --> 01:31:00,857
Thank you, Your Councilship.

1768
01:31:07,539 --> 01:31:09,063
It's for later.

1769
01:31:10,508 --> 01:31:14,410
Mr. Valentine,
please tell us why you married Mr. Levine.

1770
01:31:17,716 --> 01:31:18,808
Love.

1771
01:31:18,883 --> 01:31:21,181
Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm talking about!
Gay love!

1772
01:31:21,252 --> 01:31:22,412
Please sit down, sir.

1773
01:31:22,487 --> 01:31:23,852
Sorry.

1774
01:31:26,057 --> 01:31:28,048
- Mr. Levine.
- Yeah.

1775
01:31:28,827 --> 01:31:31,955
Sixteen local women
claim to have had

1776
01:31:32,030 --> 01:31:36,194
sexual relations with you
as recently as mid-April,

1777
01:31:36,267 --> 01:31:42,172
including four Canadian strippers
the morning of your "marriage."

1778
01:31:44,476 --> 01:31:49,175
That's true. I did have
sexual relationships with them girls,

1779
01:31:50,515 --> 01:31:54,349
but I was kind of having
a commitment issue.

1780
01:31:55,120 --> 01:31:57,111
Larry's forgiven me for that.

1781
01:31:57,689 --> 01:31:59,850
And that's all that counts to me
is what Larry thinks.

1782
01:31:59,924 --> 01:32:01,687
That's right, Fitzer,
you suck!

1783
01:32:01,760 --> 01:32:03,921
One more and you're out, sir.

1784
01:32:03,995 --> 01:32:07,192
Sorry, sir, you're cool. He sucks.
I'm gay. I'm out. All right.

1785
01:32:07,265 --> 01:32:09,699
We should question them ex parte.

1786
01:32:09,768 --> 01:32:11,167
Gentlemen.
Yeah?

1787
01:32:11,236 --> 01:32:14,330
At this time,
we'd like to interview you individually.

1788
01:32:14,406 --> 01:32:16,431
Mr. Levine, please step outside.

1789
01:32:18,343 --> 01:32:19,970
Yeah. No problem.

1790
01:32:23,682 --> 01:32:24,910
I'll miss you.

1791
01:32:24,983 --> 01:32:26,211
I'll miss you, too, buddy.

1792
01:32:27,185 --> 01:32:28,413
I like it rough!

1793
01:32:28,486 --> 01:32:29,976
One for the road.

1794
01:32:30,055 --> 01:32:31,818
Like it rough.

1795
01:32:32,757 --> 01:32:35,123
I did the cooking
until Chuck moved in.

1796
01:32:35,894 --> 01:32:37,225
The toilet was thankful.

1797
01:32:37,328 --> 01:32:41,662
He ain't the greatest chef in the world.
I'm Wolfgang Puck to his Wolfgang Suck.

1798
01:32:41,733 --> 01:32:45,032
We met back in the
fire academy in 1987.

1799
01:32:45,103 --> 01:32:46,798
I was top of our class.

1800
01:32:46,871 --> 01:32:49,533
He burned off his
eyebrows first day. Gone.

1801
01:32:49,607 --> 01:32:52,701
Larry tried to eat the fire,
I remember that.

1802
01:32:52,777 --> 01:32:56,178
<i>His favorite song,
Don't Fear the Reaper, Blue Oyster Cult.</i>

1803
01:32:56,247 --> 01:32:59,944
<i>You're Beautiful by James Blunt.
And people think I'm the woman.</i>

1804
01:33:00,018 --> 01:33:01,815
<i>♪ You're beautiful. ♪</i>

1805
01:33:01,886 --> 01:33:04,377
Just gets me every time.
I don't know.

1806
01:33:04,456 --> 01:33:06,253
<i>♪ You're beautiful. ♪</i>

1807
01:33:07,192 --> 01:33:08,955
That is a nice song.

1808
01:33:09,928 --> 01:33:13,420
The thing he likes most about me
is probably my love handles.

1809
01:33:13,998 --> 01:33:15,260
All of them.

1810
01:33:15,333 --> 01:33:19,702
I'd say my sweet, sensitive eyes,
like that of a kitten.

1811
01:33:21,973 --> 01:33:23,964
The worst day
we ever had on the job?

1812
01:33:24,042 --> 01:33:27,205
This little kid fell
in a swimming pool.

1813
01:33:27,445 --> 01:33:29,345
Chuck was the first one there.

1814
01:33:29,414 --> 01:33:30,574
I dove in.

1815
01:33:30,749 --> 01:33:31,773
He pulled him out.

1816
01:33:31,850 --> 01:33:32,850
I worked on him.

1817
01:33:32,917 --> 01:33:36,045
Worked on him,
worked on him, but...

1818
01:33:36,421 --> 01:33:38,753
And Larry stayed with me
all that night.

1819
01:33:39,691 --> 01:33:42,558
I just couldn't get that kid
out of my head.

1820
01:33:45,897 --> 01:33:47,797
When my wife died...

1821
01:33:47,866 --> 01:33:49,595
That was the worst.

1822
01:33:50,802 --> 01:33:52,030
...I collapsed.

1823
01:33:52,103 --> 01:33:53,661
He knew it was coming, but...

1824
01:33:53,738 --> 01:33:56,639
What we have,
it's beyond friendship.

1825
01:33:57,375 --> 01:33:59,502
He's the best man I know.

1826
01:33:59,577 --> 01:34:01,636
I'd do anything for him.

1827
01:34:02,046 --> 01:34:03,206
I love him.

1828
01:34:03,915 --> 01:34:05,405
I love him.

1829
01:34:08,453 --> 01:34:09,920
What's going on?
How'd you do?

1830
01:34:09,988 --> 01:34:11,546
It was good.
It was no problem.

1831
01:34:11,623 --> 01:34:13,557
You want me to grab those?
See if they're real again?

1832
01:34:13,625 --> 01:34:14,625
I'm sorry?

1833
01:34:14,692 --> 01:34:16,057
I says are we done yet?

1834
01:34:16,361 --> 01:34:19,091
Not quite.
They want to talk to the kids.

1835
01:34:19,964 --> 01:34:23,730
Now, why don't you tell us
about their sleeping arrangements?

1836
01:34:23,802 --> 01:34:25,929
Dad and Uncle Chuck
sleep in the same bed.

1837
01:34:26,004 --> 01:34:27,369
Do you know why?

1838
01:34:27,438 --> 01:34:29,338
'Cause they do
everything together.

1839
01:34:29,407 --> 01:34:31,398
Just like Will and Grace.

1840
01:34:35,980 --> 01:34:39,177
It is kind of an unusual
situation, isn't it?

1841
01:34:39,984 --> 01:34:41,349
Having two fathers?

1842
01:34:41,886 --> 01:34:43,820
I don't have two fathers.

1843
01:34:46,257 --> 01:34:47,519
I have my daddy,

1844
01:34:47,592 --> 01:34:51,084
and Uncle Chuck is more like a mommy,
'cause to me he seems like a girl.

1845
01:34:52,730 --> 01:34:55,221
Why am I the woman?
I don't get it.

1846
01:34:55,934 --> 01:34:57,060
Okay, that's all, thank you.

1847
01:34:57,135 --> 01:34:58,830
Bottlenose dolphins.

1848
01:34:59,370 --> 01:35:03,363
Orcas, gray whales, harbor seals
and West Indian manatees.

1849
01:35:03,508 --> 01:35:04,508
Huh?

1850
01:35:04,809 --> 01:35:07,539
Species that sometimes mate
with the same sex.

1851
01:35:07,712 --> 01:35:12,740
Bottlenose dolphins, orcas, gray whales,
harbor seals and West Indian manatees.

1852
01:35:13,351 --> 01:35:16,343
I didn't know that.
But now I'm glad I do.

1853
01:35:16,454 --> 01:35:18,149
Thank you, my dear.

1854
01:35:21,492 --> 01:35:25,553
Remind me never to go skinny-dipping
with the bottlenose dolphins.

1855
01:35:29,234 --> 01:35:34,297
I just have to say
that as a fellow gay fireman...

1856
01:35:35,106 --> 01:35:36,232
He's gay, too?

1857
01:35:36,307 --> 01:35:37,934
That's right, fellas, I'm gay.

1858
01:35:38,476 --> 01:35:40,501
You guys have
a problem with that?

1859
01:35:40,578 --> 01:35:43,672
No, no problem.
You do whatever you like. Yeah.

1860
01:35:45,116 --> 01:35:46,549
And Chuck and Larry,

1861
01:35:47,318 --> 01:35:50,048
you've inspired me
to want to find my soul mate.

1862
01:35:51,522 --> 01:35:53,012
Wherever he may be.

1863
01:35:53,458 --> 01:35:55,790
Hey, I'm a 10. I'm a 10.

1864
01:35:56,027 --> 01:35:58,052
You're not my type. Sorry.

1865
01:35:59,063 --> 01:36:01,224
Fitzer, can we wrap this up?

1866
01:36:01,432 --> 01:36:04,993
I just have one more
question to ask,

1867
01:36:05,069 --> 01:36:07,537
if these gentlemen would
indulge me for a moment.

1868
01:36:07,605 --> 01:36:09,539
By all means, Mr. Fitzer.

1869
01:36:10,341 --> 01:36:12,104
Chuck, Larry,

1870
01:36:12,644 --> 01:36:17,240
would you say that there's a fair amount
of passion in your relationship?

1871
01:36:17,882 --> 01:36:19,008
Absolutely.

1872
01:36:19,083 --> 01:36:20,684
More passion than you
can imagine, buddy.

1873
01:36:20,685 --> 01:36:22,175
- Yes.
- How wonderful.

1874
01:36:22,687 --> 01:36:26,145
Now, if you'd be so kind,
I'd like you to kiss each other.

1875
01:36:26,224 --> 01:36:27,919
You'd like to...
What was that?

1876
01:36:27,992 --> 01:36:31,018
Councilman Banks, my clients have been
more than accommodating.

1877
01:36:31,095 --> 01:36:33,825
And to ask for a display of intimacy
in the middle of a crowded room

1878
01:36:33,898 --> 01:36:35,229
is simply demeaning.

1879
01:36:35,300 --> 01:36:37,962
I'm afraid I have to agree.
We seem to have gone

1880
01:36:38,036 --> 01:36:42,029
from a hearing about fraud
to some kind of weird gay witch hunt.

1881
01:36:43,141 --> 01:36:45,507
I'm just saying,
Your Exellegance,

1882
01:36:45,576 --> 01:36:48,511
that if these two men are
as in love as they say they are,

1883
01:36:48,579 --> 01:36:50,570
I don't see why
this should be a problem.

1884
01:36:50,648 --> 01:36:53,048
I'm just asking for
one kiss, Councilman.

1885
01:36:53,117 --> 01:36:56,416
Yeah! Come on, fellas,
show them how real men kiss! Come on!

1886
01:36:56,487 --> 01:37:00,583
I will not stand for it! This is
unbelievable! No. Absolutely not.

1887
01:37:00,658 --> 01:37:02,922
Hey, come on, no.
The Councilman agreed.

1888
01:37:02,994 --> 01:37:04,427
It's demeaning to us.

1889
01:37:04,495 --> 01:37:08,454
Plus, we don't want to get you all horny.
Me and this guy, we... It could get steamy.

1890
01:37:08,533 --> 01:37:13,402
Kiss! Kiss!
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

1891
01:37:13,471 --> 01:37:14,768
Order.

1892
01:37:15,673 --> 01:37:16,901
Order!

1893
01:37:17,942 --> 01:37:19,462
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

1894
01:37:19,510 --> 01:37:21,034
I'm not doing this, Alex.

1895
01:37:21,112 --> 01:37:23,046
You know what?
Just go for it.

1896
01:37:23,982 --> 01:37:25,381
- Well?
- Order!

1897
01:37:27,485 --> 01:37:29,385
I guess it's showtime.

1898
01:37:30,855 --> 01:37:32,550
Going in straight...

1899
01:37:32,623 --> 01:37:34,614
Coming out gay?

1900
01:38:04,589 --> 01:38:08,855
Enough! I'd rather change
my grandfather's diaper

1901
01:38:08,926 --> 01:38:10,393
than see two straight
guys kissing.

1902
01:38:10,461 --> 01:38:11,951
But we're not straight.

1903
01:38:12,030 --> 01:38:13,510
We're not.
We're in gay love, Captain!

1904
01:38:13,564 --> 01:38:15,998
- Can't you deal with that?
- Oh, shut up.

1905
01:38:16,067 --> 01:38:18,763
If these gentlemen are gay,
then I'm a one-legged parrot.

1906
01:38:18,836 --> 01:38:21,134
Anybody seen me
with a crutch and a cracker?

1907
01:38:21,606 --> 01:38:22,606
I didn't think so.

1908
01:38:23,007 --> 01:38:24,736
And who might you be, sir?

1909
01:38:24,809 --> 01:38:26,777
Captain Phineas J. Tucker,
Councilman.

1910
01:38:26,844 --> 01:38:29,972
You may search my record.
I hold multiple citations

1911
01:38:30,048 --> 01:38:33,575
from Mayor Dinkins, Mayor Koch and,
of course, the great Mayor Giuliani.

1912
01:38:33,651 --> 01:38:37,052
And let me tell you something.
These men definitely broke the rules.

1913
01:38:37,121 --> 01:38:39,817
They lied on a government form
and they swore it was true,

1914
01:38:39,891 --> 01:38:41,654
which is despicable.

1915
01:38:41,926 --> 01:38:45,760
But interestingly
enough, Excellency,

1916
01:38:45,830 --> 01:38:48,025
even though they were
deceitful to us all,

1917
01:38:48,099 --> 01:38:50,693
I actually believe
they ended up doing some good.

1918
01:38:50,768 --> 01:38:52,633
What good are you
speaking of, Captain?

1919
01:38:52,703 --> 01:38:54,398
Well, first off,

1920
01:38:54,472 --> 01:38:56,997
they let us know
that when a friend is in need,

1921
01:38:57,075 --> 01:38:59,942
you go beyond extraordinary
lengths to help out.

1922
01:39:00,011 --> 01:39:02,445
Whenever, whatever.
That's the code.

1923
01:39:02,513 --> 01:39:05,209
Then they apparently inspired
fellow firefighter Fred G. Duncan

1924
01:39:05,283 --> 01:39:07,808
to come out of his super-sized closet,

1925
01:39:07,885 --> 01:39:09,648
thus releasing his rage

1926
01:39:09,720 --> 01:39:13,315
and preventing what looked like to be
an inevitable killing spree.

1927
01:39:16,694 --> 01:39:18,559
And most importantly,

1928
01:39:18,629 --> 01:39:21,496
they showed us
that no matter whom we choose to love,

1929
01:39:21,566 --> 01:39:26,196
be they heterosexual, homosexual, asexual,
bisexual, trisexual, quadrisexual,

1930
01:39:26,270 --> 01:39:28,500
pansexual, transsexual, omnisexual,

1931
01:39:28,573 --> 01:39:33,476
or that thing where the chick ties the belt
around your neck and tinkles on a balloon,

1932
01:39:35,113 --> 01:39:39,345
it has absolutely nothing to do
with who we are as people.

1933
01:39:53,531 --> 01:39:56,227
It's true, Councilman Banks.

1934
01:39:59,003 --> 01:40:00,402
Let them know.

1935
01:40:00,471 --> 01:40:01,938
We're not gay.

1936
01:40:03,608 --> 01:40:04,632
No.

1937
01:40:05,610 --> 01:40:08,738
Unfortunately, we hurt people,

1938
01:40:08,813 --> 01:40:13,273
people we wouldn't want to hurt
in a million years, by doing what we did.

1939
01:40:14,652 --> 01:40:18,611
For the record,
the word "faggot," that's a bad word.

1940
01:40:18,689 --> 01:40:21,590
Don't use it.
I used to say it more than anybody,

1941
01:40:21,659 --> 01:40:23,650
but I was ignorant.
It's hurtful.

1942
01:40:23,895 --> 01:40:26,921
It's like "kike" for me.

1943
01:40:27,431 --> 01:40:29,296
Or "fat boy" for me.

1944
01:40:31,369 --> 01:40:33,030
It stings a little
when you poke fun of my weight.

1945
01:40:33,104 --> 01:40:34,594
- I didn't know that.
- Yeah, sometimes it...

1946
01:40:34,672 --> 01:40:36,572
- I only do it 'cause you do it.
- I know, but I work hard...

1947
01:40:36,641 --> 01:40:39,701
<i>What is this?
Gays of Our Lives?</i>

1948
01:40:40,244 --> 01:40:42,269
Shall we cue the violins?

1949
01:40:43,047 --> 01:40:45,174
This isn't a folk concert,
it's a hearing.

1950
01:40:45,249 --> 01:40:50,516
And I believe I hear the sound
of two felons going to jail

1951
01:40:51,189 --> 01:40:53,851
for stealing from the
City of New York.

1952
01:40:53,925 --> 01:40:56,951
What exactly have we stolen?
Nothing!

1953
01:40:57,962 --> 01:41:00,760
Due to a weird rule
in a flawed system,

1954
01:41:00,831 --> 01:41:03,698
my friend Larry here had
to create this lie.

1955
01:41:03,768 --> 01:41:06,635
The system may be flawed at times,
Mr. Feb-blueberry.

1956
01:41:06,704 --> 01:41:08,171
"I'm in a calendar!"

1957
01:41:09,907 --> 01:41:13,138
But it's the law.
And we all have to abide by it.

1958
01:41:16,781 --> 01:41:19,272
I'm sorry,
but you did break the law.

1959
01:41:19,350 --> 01:41:20,408
Oh, God.

1960
01:41:20,484 --> 01:41:21,712
Daddy!

1961
01:41:22,954 --> 01:41:24,979
Councilman Banks. Councilman.

1962
01:41:26,157 --> 01:41:28,091
Well, you better
have cuffs for three,

1963
01:41:28,626 --> 01:41:30,423
because I'm going
to jail with them.

1964
01:41:30,494 --> 01:41:31,984
How is that, Captain?

1965
01:41:32,063 --> 01:41:34,759
I'm a co-conspirator.
I knew all about this little scam

1966
01:41:34,832 --> 01:41:36,857
from day one,
and I didn't say a thing about it.

1967
01:41:36,934 --> 01:41:38,458
- Captain!
- You don't have to do this. Please.

1968
01:41:38,536 --> 01:41:39,560
Yeah, he didn't know nothing.

1969
01:41:39,637 --> 01:41:41,628
Fine. I'll have all
three of you arrested.

1970
01:41:43,841 --> 01:41:48,244
Slap some cuffs on me,
'cause I helped them plan the wedding.

1971
01:41:48,312 --> 01:41:49,836
I drove them to the airport.

1972
01:41:49,914 --> 01:41:51,381
I picked out Chuck's dress.

1973
01:41:51,449 --> 01:41:52,473
Yeah, I knew about it.

1974
01:41:52,550 --> 01:41:55,110
Dress? Why does everybody
assume I'm the woman?

1975
01:41:55,186 --> 01:41:57,245
Is it the way I walk?
What is it?

1976
01:41:57,321 --> 01:42:00,518
And I caught the bouquet!
In my mouth. I liked it.

1977
01:42:02,460 --> 01:42:04,724
See, that's the way it works
with us firemen, sir.

1978
01:42:04,795 --> 01:42:07,355
You throw one of us in the fire,
we all go rushing in.

1979
01:42:08,566 --> 01:42:12,696
You throw one of us in jail, you gotta
throw the whole lot of us in jail.

1980
01:42:12,770 --> 01:42:15,330
So? What's it gonna be?

1981
01:42:18,376 --> 01:42:20,571
Everything would have been fine
if you'd just let

1982
01:42:20,645 --> 01:42:22,306
me and Larry make out
like we were gonna.

1983
01:42:22,413 --> 01:42:24,404
Then you had to go
all Knute Rockne on us.

1984
01:42:24,482 --> 01:42:27,349
I am your commanding officer.
I will not be addressed in that manner.

1985
01:42:27,418 --> 01:42:29,579
Not in here you're not,
you porcupine-head.

1986
01:42:29,654 --> 01:42:31,774
No, in here you're the big mouth
who got us locked up.

1987
01:42:31,822 --> 01:42:33,221
We should whup your ass!

1988
01:42:33,291 --> 01:42:34,519
Yeah!
Yeah!

1989
01:42:35,793 --> 01:42:37,055
That's right.

1990
01:42:37,128 --> 01:42:38,254
Hey, Chuck.

1991
01:42:38,329 --> 01:42:40,160
Jeez, Larry. What?

1992
01:42:40,231 --> 01:42:44,998
Free Chuck and Larry!
Free Chuck and Larry!

1993
01:42:45,703 --> 01:42:46,863
What?

1994
01:42:46,937 --> 01:42:49,269
Yo, dum-dums!
You got a visitor.

1995
01:42:52,843 --> 01:42:55,778
Well, gentlemen,
that was quite a hearing.

1996
01:42:55,846 --> 01:42:56,972
Mr. Levine, Mr. Valentine.

1997
01:42:57,048 --> 01:42:58,538
All right.

1998
01:42:59,250 --> 01:43:01,878
The city would like
to offer you a deal.

1999
01:43:01,952 --> 01:43:04,944
We're willing to drop all charges
and allow you to keep your benefits,

2000
01:43:05,022 --> 01:43:06,489
with two conditions.

2001
01:43:06,590 --> 01:43:10,048
One, you plead guilty
to falsifying a government form.

2002
01:43:10,261 --> 01:43:13,025
The charge is reduced to a misdemeanor,
you get a slap on the wrist,

2003
01:43:13,097 --> 01:43:14,860
and the city saves face.

2004
01:43:14,932 --> 01:43:16,160
- Done.
- Done. Absolutely.

2005
01:43:16,233 --> 01:43:19,430
Two, you are celebrities
in the gay community now.

2006
01:43:19,904 --> 01:43:22,270
They've obviously
not only accepted your apology,

2007
01:43:22,340 --> 01:43:24,774
they think you're heroes.

2008
01:43:24,842 --> 01:43:28,938
Now, raising money
for AIDS research is still very crucial,

2009
01:43:29,547 --> 01:43:33,074
and the community has
figured out a way for you all to help.

2010
01:43:33,150 --> 01:43:34,344
- Whatever it takes.
- Yeah.

2011
01:43:34,418 --> 01:43:35,979
- What do you need us to do?
- We're in.

2012
01:44:16,160 --> 01:44:19,425
These two guys right here talking
about doing something pretty serious.

2013
01:44:19,497 --> 01:44:23,627
Making a commitment
to love each other forever.

2014
01:44:23,701 --> 01:44:27,967
Now before, they were on the down-low,
living a life that was a lie.

2015
01:44:29,373 --> 01:44:32,706
Now, in a lie,
it's like a circle.

2016
01:44:33,744 --> 01:44:35,109
It never ends.

2017
01:44:35,646 --> 01:44:38,547
You know?
It's not like a rectangle.

2018
01:44:38,616 --> 01:44:41,210
'Cause that has a bunch of,
you know, places that stop.

2019
01:44:41,285 --> 01:44:42,485
This one is a big circle of...

2020
01:44:42,553 --> 01:44:44,316
Okay, you know, wrap up the circle thing.
Come on.

2021
01:44:44,388 --> 01:44:45,719
Moving on.

2022
01:44:45,790 --> 01:44:47,052
I'm gonna move quicker now.

2023
01:44:48,793 --> 01:44:51,421
Do you, Kevin
"Butterfly" McDonough,

2024
01:44:51,495 --> 01:44:56,364
take Fred G. Duncan to be
your lawful wedded partner?

2025
01:44:57,334 --> 01:44:58,562
I dizoo.

2026
01:44:59,537 --> 01:45:01,732
And do you, Fred G. Duncan,

2027
01:45:01,806 --> 01:45:05,469
take this guy over here
to be your lawfully wedded partner?

2028
01:45:05,543 --> 01:45:06,805
I do.

2029
01:45:06,877 --> 01:45:08,469
Well, then, by the
power vested in me

2030
01:45:08,546 --> 01:45:11,310
by the Commonwealth of Canada
and the Province of Ontario,

2031
01:45:11,382 --> 01:45:15,318
which has always been very pro-gay,
unlike that uptight country to the south,

2032
01:45:15,386 --> 01:45:19,652
it's my pleasure to now pronounce
you husband and husband, partners for life.

2033
01:45:53,557 --> 01:45:55,787
There's my lawyer.

2034
01:45:55,860 --> 01:45:57,725
You don't wanna dance, do you?

2035
01:45:58,162 --> 01:46:00,221
I don't think so.

2036
01:46:00,831 --> 01:46:03,322
Your brother forgave me.
Now, why can't you?

2037
01:46:03,400 --> 01:46:08,303
Well, my brother wasn't the one
that you felt up under false pretenses.

2038
01:46:08,372 --> 01:46:11,172
You mean you only let me touch your boobs
'cause you thought I was gay?

2039
01:46:11,342 --> 01:46:12,342
That's sexist.

2040
01:46:12,476 --> 01:46:16,139
I could bring that to the courtroom.
You could be my lawyer.

2041
01:46:18,682 --> 01:46:20,240
Look at Larry, though.

2042
01:46:20,885 --> 01:46:23,115
Looks like he took my advice
and moved on.

2043
01:46:23,187 --> 01:46:27,248
Which is great for him, but I don't
have anybody to hang out with anymore.

2044
01:46:27,324 --> 01:46:31,727
I mean, these bracelets here...
It says, "Friends forever."

2045
01:46:33,998 --> 01:46:37,900
I haven't taken this thing off
since we made them that day. You?

2046
01:46:40,237 --> 01:46:42,364
Yeah, that's what I thought.

2047
01:46:57,154 --> 01:47:00,555
Well, you've got about 30 seconds
before I come to my senses.

2048
01:47:02,660 --> 01:47:04,525
- Really?
- Yes.

2049
01:47:04,595 --> 01:47:07,860
And this is my jam, too.
Come on.

2050
01:47:08,699 --> 01:47:10,826
What a delicious-looking cake!

2051
01:47:11,001 --> 01:47:14,300
Oh, maybe Tori
would like to try it.

2052
01:47:14,371 --> 01:47:16,839
That's nice. You gay, her father.
It's nice.

2053
01:47:16,907 --> 01:47:19,432
No, I'm not gay.
This is Larry's daughter, Tori.

2054
01:47:19,510 --> 01:47:21,842
Oh, it's okay, man.
You can come out of the down-low.

2055
01:47:21,912 --> 01:47:23,709
I don't have to come out!
I'm married.

2056
01:47:23,781 --> 01:47:25,501
Which one's your husband?
You point him out.

2057
01:47:25,549 --> 01:47:27,107
No, no! The lady in there.

2058
01:47:27,184 --> 01:47:28,344
Which guy?

2059
01:47:28,419 --> 01:47:29,511
No, no guy. No.

2060
01:47:29,587 --> 01:47:32,420
Hey, you know when you lie,
it's like a circle.

2061
01:47:32,489 --> 01:47:33,513
I'm not lying!