Script: Lily

Lily
[humour, tall tale]



Now, I've heard some tall fucking tales in my time. Bitches and dicks thinking they're something 'cause they've had so and so bent over a llama at the petting zoo, screaming their name to high heaven, or 'cause they can take so many sharpies up their twat it looks like they're giving birth to a fucking gay pride parade at Mardi Gras while Cirque du Soleil is in town, but I can tell you right here and now I have the best fuckin' story any of you have ever heard.

My girl Lily was walking down the street one day. You know her, she's the one who drove an eighteen wheeler gas tanker off the pier during a hurricane and crashed it butt naked into a giant squid, immolating the fucker and feeding the whole city for a week on calamari? Yeah, that's her.

Anyway, Lily was walking down the street when she got a call from her woman. What, you don't think gay chicks can be badass? Well fuck you, 'cause they can. But like I was sayin', Lily got a call from her woman.
"Lily," she said, "I'm horny as fuck. Get your ass down to the sex shop and pick up a strapon, I need a fucking like you wouldn't believe!"

And Lily just smiled this real wicked smile, 'cause she knew damn well how much a girl like that needs a fucking every now and then. She could almost smell her dripping pussy from here.

So Lily, being the delicate, loving flower she is, decided to go to the Toy Box of Box Toys, you know the place, and get her woman the biggest fucking strapon this side of anywhere you can name.

And she bursts into the shop with a kick that would make a Spartan king proud, knocking over a couple of old ladies buying anal beads, and sauntered right up to the counter all sly like. She said, "Hey." And the guy was like, "Hey." They knew each other pretty good since Lily was in there all the damn time. what that little conversation really meant was, "Dude, my woman needs her pussy stuffed and I"m just the girl to stuff it. You got the goods I'm looking for?" To which he replied, "You know it, Lily my main man who isn't a man. I got a whole new shipment of shit you're just gonna die for."

And so the guy behind the counter pulled out a rack of new merchandise from somewhere in the back while Lily watched a pair of little people that looked suspiciously like Peter Dinklage and Warwick Davis having a sword fight with three foot long dildos to decide who was the biggest small guy in tv and movie history.

"I've got three toys that might do the trick," said the guy behind the counter. I'm going to call him Guy. "We've got the Annihilator, the Obliterator, and the Exterminatus."

"Exterminatus?" Lily asked.

"It's a 40k joke," said Guy. "They call it that because of the horsepower it's got."

Lily just looked at him and smiled a wicked smile that said, "Fuck the other two, I wanna see that one." And then she said in a wicked voice, "Fuck the other two, I wanna see that one."

So Guy opened the box and pulled out the Exterminatus. It was real monster, a strapon to beat all strapons. One strapon to rule them all, one strapon to hump them. One strapon to bone them all and in the bedroom fuck them like they've never been fucked before.
Thirty seven inches long or more and thicker than Arnie's corded neck back when he was still a world champ body builder on steroids, the Exterimatus was a double sided horror with little spinning bits every other inch that twirled around and around while bulbs of spikey plastic girated hard enough to cut diamonds. And the whole thing vibrated like a motherfucker. Guy put that bitch down on the counter and everyone within a hundred and fifty two and a half paces felt like they were sitting on their mother's washing machine on high for the first time. Several women passing by orgasmed right then and there, all falling asleep in a big, satisfied heap together. Guy hadn't even turned it on yet.

Lily didn't say another word, just slapped down a blank check and signed it. Guy offered to wrap it up for her but she just shook her head and grabbed a bottle of the most powerful lube known to mankind: a picture of David Bowie in Labyrinth

Just seeing his long, elvin fingers twirling those crystal balls got her so hot and bothered her panties literally melted. Just fucking melted, right off of her. She took the Exterminatus and shoved it right up her snatch as hard and fast as she could.

The rotating tip was just starting to twiddle her uvula when she reached the middle and fastened the adamantium chains that served as the straps around her waist. "Turn on," she growled, and it did. Not because it was voice activated, because it sure as hell wasn't. It just fucking knew better than to mess with Lily.

Lily strutted back out of the store and down the street with her chin held high. Bitch marched straight home. She didn't give a shit about cars or people, just let the flailing cock out in front of her knock 'em all aside. Went through a few houses and office buildings, too.

She opened her apartnment and felt three inches of hot liquid pour over her feet and into the hallway. From the sounds coming form the bedroom, her woman was gettin' mighty impatient waiting for Lily to come home.
This made Lily smile. Her feet squelched in the moist carpet as she stomped to the bedroom. Another small tidal wave threatened to knock her off her feet as she opened that door, too.

Her girlfriend, Rose, has been humping everything in the room. The bedposts seemed to have taken the worst of it. One post was shattered into pieces, lookin' like a bolt of lightning brought some family over to beat the shit out of it. Another was sharpened to a fine point, sawdust knee deep around it. Rose was in the process of fucking the varnish off of the third as the fourth clawed at the walls in the corner of the room, sobbing.

"Took you long enough," Rose said.

"Had to get something special for you, baby," said Lily, slapping at her awesome artificial junk.

"Doesn't look like much," Rose told her.

"Say that after you bend over," commanded Lily.

"This is gonna be great," said Guy, having followed the news broadcast of Lily's rampage back home while hunkering down in his bomb cellar.

It took all of Lily's strength to wrangle the gyrating trouser python under control as she waddled up behind Rose, who was fingering herself with both hands and pulling her pussy lips wide in anticipation. The surviving bedpost made a break for the door at just the second Lily's hand slipped and the Exterminatus whipped out and bitch smacked it through a wall. "Hey! I wasn't done with that yet," complained Rose.

"You've got plenty to deal with right here," Lily said as she wrestled her strapon back into her hands. Rose was left with big red lines all across her back as the Exterminatus slapped all up and around her ass. Lily's hand was vibrating like a nerd with a freshly signed photograph of Jean Luc Picard and James T. Kirk having a fistfight with a gorn as she directed the pulsating tip of her new toy straight between Rose's open petals.


Now, I can't go into much detail about what happened after that. No one really knows what happened to Lily or Rose. All we do know is that there are no more dinosaurs, and they don't make Exterimatus strapons anymore.