2 hours after my RP...afterglow dies and i fall right back into my depression...and then

everything starts bothering me all over again...things about you and myself...about

life...about everything...



i didnt say anything at the time cause i didnt want to ruin the RP for you



whatthefuckistheproblem



wondering why u have sex with ur g/f.  wondering if u want to or not.  why it matters.  you

told me that u wouldnt go have sex with her after i got you pent up...but why?  if i love

you...shouldnt i be ok with everything u do?  of course i wouldnt likeeeeeeeeeeeeee=



ok, i wouldnt like it, and i dont like it now, even though i understand...but its still ok

because i understand. but u dont want to do it.  why?  because of how it makes me feel?  how

it makes u feel?  u wish u'd rather be with me?  but if we're open about everything, why does

it matter?  why cant we go around having sex with 98234 people?  even i dont want to do

that...but why dont i want to?  because im with you?  because i feel like i'd betray you?  you

would still love me of course...but if i used that as an excuse to have sex with

others...ok...that's wrong...that is why we dont do it...i understand now.



that is wrong to use the fact that we will always love each other as an excuse to go and have

sex with others, because thats just impossible since we are in true love.  if we did that, we

wouldnt truly love each other.  thats why i dont have sex with others or even want to, i

understand now.



and we dont lie to each other either...that isnt love.  so if we do have sex with others (like

u and ur g/f) there is something else that's going on...its not that u dont love me and ur

lying to me...of course u wouldnt do that...nor would i...that wouldnt be love, and we love

each other, so thats impossible.



i love how i have to write all this down to wrap my head around things =P



lol...i actually thought that because we're always ok with everything since we love each

other...that maybe it was possible to lie to each other and do things like have sex with other

people just because we will always love each other...but it doesnt work like that.  we

literally CANT lie to each other...its impossible...and to use our love as an excuse is to

lie.  and i know that that is impossible.



lol...another dumb thought that just crossed my mind...is that i was afraid of showing this

all to you as then i'd give u an excuse to go have sex with ur g/f...god...what is wrong with

me lol...you aren't like that and i know that...i know u dont even want to be with her or have

sex with her...i know all this already dammit...stupid brain...



god...i need to stop questioning why with everything...every time i do, that's when i get

depressed.  i just need to go with it dammit...lol...*sigh* depression sucks =P



i guess i just kinda stopped living my life...and it's taken a toll on me...idk if i got

obsessed with you or with love or what...but lately i've just felt bad about anything and

everything i do...as if im doing something wrong and im hurting you...cause i kinda feel that

way when u do things, even little things like lose track of time playing xbox and forget about

me for 3 hours...or when you're watching tv and not talking to me as much as u could be...or

dont get on ur laptop when ur ipod battery dies...or...*sigh*...yeah...idk....i know its not

your fault, and i dont blame you...you're just living your life...u didnt stop living it

because of me...i stopped living mine for some reason...and then i get confused and conflicted

that we do things differently...it didnt use to be like this...idk why im like this now...i

dont know why i start to feel bad when u do these things..and its almost about everything u

do...that...doesnt involve me...thats so wrong and stupid of me...u shouldnt stop living ur

life because of me...i dont want that and nor should i expect that...i shouldnt feel bad or

get hurt...why do i...why am i stopping everything i used to do?  is it just because of this

depression?  i usually never do anything or am able to when i am depressed...so yeah...that

makes sense.  its all my stupid fucking depression...whenever im happy and content, im always

able to do things...but then i get depressed and those things i do just seem wrong and i feel

like i shouldnt be doing them because im not paying 100% of my attention to you and only

you...i know u dont want that...u dont want me to stop living my life because of you...a part

of me wants to though...as i just want nothing more than to be with you...but i know that's

not possible right now...and i just get even more depressed about that...and i dont even want

to do anything until we are together...i just feel bad about doing anything that doesnt

involve you...but i keep forgetting that everything we do is for us one way or another...i

have to do things in order to keep my sanity...to be me...i need to be me...i cant stop being

me...