The Adventures of Billy, Part I: "Billy Gets Pregnant"

The Adventures of Billy, Part I: "Billy Gets Pregnant"

Billy laid awake with his eyes wide open, completely exhausted but too terrified to go to sleep. After switching from side to side an endless number of times throughout the night while anxiously pacing around his mind about the uncertainty of his safety, he finally felt his eyes begin to close. He was instantly transported into a hallucination. Some kind of grey butterflies began flying around his room towards the light on the ceiling reflected from the car headlights passing by outside, swooping down at his head through the darkness and trying to attack him. Billy grabbed his pillow and thought about throwing it at the ceiling, but he chose instead to swing at it over and over until it disappeared into the darkness. After coming back to reality and realizing he was safe, Billy laid back down and went through the painstaking process of trying to fall asleep once again.

This time was far more dangerous. As Billy fell into the beginning stages of sleep a grainy filter fell over his vision. A vision of a haunted woods in the night fell into his mind with a black abandoned cabin, dead trees and thick fog. It flashed behind his eyelids like a seizure similar to recalling a traumatic memory or watching your life flash before your eyes. There were fields of corn and scarecrows. Crows cawed overhead barely visible through the fog as a figure descended from the blackness made out of chaos and noise and scrambled black ink violently lashing and whipping around, cutting down trees and kicking up a flurry of dirt into a dust storm like a monstrous grinder.

Suddenly, from unknown hills overhead, Billy saw more far off figures descending from the fog of the gloomy night. They were all headed towards his direction like homing devils, each of their heads growing endlessly towards the sky as if they were the physical embodiments of vicious tornadoes of destruction and evil. At some point, the scarecrows woke up and contorted their faces towards Billy's point of view like evil puppets, signaling that they knew he was there. The sky began to fall and descend down towards the cabin like a funneled point, dripping stars and clouds into the hole of madness. Billy's heartbeat gave a great big thump and his visions sent him back into his room, still trapped in limbo.

Through the grainy filter that still persisted, demented and deformed shapes shook violently around Billy's room without eyes or mouths. One of them crouched behind his closet staring at him from behind the wall while violently jacking off. Another one was in the corner of his ceiling glitching out and crawling around like a spider trying to dig a hole into his ceiling so it could lay eggs and make a cocoon. The biggest one had a pyramid for a head and kept teleporting around Billy's room getting closer and closer to his bed until it was right there staring at him through it's eyeless gaze as it bent over his bed.

Despite not having a mouth, it's skin opened up into some sort of cyborg dimension that consumed it's face and several compartments resembling the inside of a raspberry began to open as if some sort of artificial intelligence was sending signals to the security locks. The doors beeped and creaked as they opened and each door became far more riddled with fear and uncertainty. Through the grinding layers of teeth that spun ever faster with each unlocking of the doors, Billy began to see something wretched emerging from the back of it's throat. A sloshing alien covered in some kind of bile began to crawl out from inside the black hole with millions of legs on the body and antlers at the head. It continuously slopped around as it's legs latched onto the main body and made a perfect descent down towards the crotch. It had a hard shell for a head and emanated a buzzing sound from within it's main hub as exposed wires cracked and sparked.

Pyramid head began to pull it out of his throat like a clown pulling out needles, but it never ended. The creature used its pincers to pull apart his urethra and began climbing up into his scrotum. Pyramid head continued to pull it down out of his throat as it continued to climb up his urethra and so began the neverending conundrum of machinic erectile despair. Billy felt his heartbeat growing rapidly as he looked down at the foot of his bed and saw a giant tortoise with an old 80's haircut staring at him underneath the table. It looked wise and just as petrified as him. It made a symbol towards Billy as if to say, "SHHHH!!", and Billy presumed that the tortoise man was hiding in the endless dimensions from pyramid head and his gang of interdimensional lackies and that he may have brought them to Billy's room in a long drawn out quest that would yield lackluster reward for helping in aiding him in the intergalactic wars of good and evil.

Billy screamed out tortoise man's location and all of the figures in the room scrambled towards the tortoise and began to claw at him mercilessly as they feasted on his flesh with their rabid clicking and clattering jaws of fury. Spiderman's back ripped open and out came a scorpion tail that he stuck directly into the tortoise man's head as he began to pump poisonous LSD straight into his skull. Billy took this opportunity to run into the other room and make a mad devil dash down the hall towards the front door. Before opening the door, he looked back down the hall and saw the same figure from earlier staring at him from behind the entrance to his room, jacking off some kind of skinless bloody meat penis.

After taking a hesitant moment to meditate on his disgust, Billy opened the front door and tripped on a can of fireworks that instantly blitzed up his ass with enough pressure to rewrite the dimensional code of time and space. Billy did not have time to scream or take cover, as the sheer shock of the pain sent him hurdling through the void towards another dimension of subsequent pain and awe. "Gee golly whiz, I sure shouldn't have taken that muscle relaxer!" After some fleeting moments of continuous pondering in the void Billy finally arrived at his new location without even a single shred of a second to gauge the sheer absurdity or chaos that was about to come his way, perhaps retribution for what he did to the tortoise.

His body got ripped up into billions of tiny fragments and particles by the shapeshifting voidwhacker known as "Sifting Bobs" and reformulated itself from a crack in space time somewhere in a car speeding perilously down the highways of hell trying to escape a nuclear explosion at thousands of lightyears per hour. The radio had been fuckstarted with a soul-ripping combination of equalizers that allowed the sound volume to reach infinite levels of eardrum-shattering terror. His mouth flabbered and flobbered around like a limp frisby smacking him in the face as he tried to speak but all that came out was endless amounts of saliva that covered his eyes like a blanket. Through the saliva Billy noticed his parents were sitting in the front seats and they looked very unconcerned with what was going on behind them. "THERRERRRRR UZZZ ERRR NUCERERRR EXPROSSSSAAAAN!!"

His parents argued about church while Billy looked over to his right where a dog sat in a cradle dressed up like a baby. The dog looked at Billy and Billy looked at the dog, and the void stared back into both of them. The light had gone from the dog's eyes and now they were nothing but cold beady harbringers of species destruction. "LOOK AT IT'S EYESSSS MARGARET, LOOK AT IT'S EYESSSSSSS!!!!!" The dog did not bark, it did not breathe. It's body rotted away in timelapse form as a backdrop of public domain ukelele music played in g major until there was nothing left but bones. Suddenly, the dog's head escaped the cradle with nothing but it's spine to drag around and it began to lash and whip around the car in a pretzelknot-shaped self-defense formulative pattern smashing out the windows and denting the ceiling deeper and deeper into the abyss. Billy tried to move and shield his body but the pure speed of the car kept him grounded against the backseat like a helpless 4th of july hamburger as the dog's spine slapped against his already saliva-ridden face over and over with relentless fervor as punching sound effects from Ip Man played from the radio over the backdrop of metalcore breakdown ukelele spam. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaa, STOPPPP!!! I BEG YOU HOUND, CEASE THIS FOLLY AT ONCEEEEEEeeeeEEEEEEeee!!!!!!!"

The dog did not listen, it only continued to defy gravity and physics as it carried out it's onslaught of fantastical proportions. Suddenly, the seat ripped out from underneath Billy's fireworks-damaged ass and it went hurdling down the road into the radiated streets of lava as Billy held on with nothing but his chin bone strapped in the safety buckles. Everytime his chin got close to escaping, the dog's self-defense pretzel knot gravity-splurging formation would knock Billy back into the car and eventually Billy's face was firmly planted underneath the front seat as the dog knocked him a good one in the manbags again and again and again until he began to vomit out sperm. "UeeeGGHHH! ARRrrghHHH!!!!! OOOoooOGGG!!!", all that could be heard was the sound of testicles breaking and vomit flying through the wind like a tornado as it combined into the nuclear onslaught and mutated into a brand new sentient monster from hell. A pilot flying overhead that saw it all unfold sent information back to the empire for constructing nuclear bombs made out of vomit. "I love America. I wanna FUCK AMERICA!!!!!"

The power of the dog's callused iron fists relentlessly pounding against Billy's defenseless body forced Billy's head to break through the bottom of the front seat and he arrived on the floor in front of his mother. Staring up from the floor, he could see the inside of her skirt. Billy felt disgusted as he was forced to look at the abyss of a rotting dangling forest reaching all the way down to the floor, but suddenly a head began to push out from within like a baby emerging from the womb. THE TORTOISE MAN!? Billy had no time to react as hundreds upon hundreds of hotdogs began to projectilely shoot out from the tortoise man's vaginal esophagus straight into Billy's wide open mid-scream mouth. He tried to close it but the sheer force of the wind pressure kept it glued to the steering wheel as he was forced to swallow the hotdogs whole. One of the hotdogs hit his uvula clean off like a sawed off shotgun blasting a tomato. Once all of the hotdogs were vomited, the tortoise disappeared back into his mother's wretched vagina and his mother and father stared down at him from above.

Their faces grew enraged with fury and anger as acupunture needles shot out from their skin and their physical forms contorted into that of green snot demons. Billy's newfound booger parents began to cackle as they talked about going to a party three streets down where Booger Joe and the Pirates were holding a feast. Billy's dad took a trashbag out of the glovebox and shoved it down Billy's throat. Suddenly, he felt the urge to sneeze. As expected, he let out such a powerful sneeze that the trashbag exploded out of his every pore and encompassed his face into a perfect funnel like a sick dog.

His demon parents cackled with even more madness and splendor as they tuned the radio station to some boogie music and stuck their fingers down their throats and vomited out a greenish-yellow soggy mixture of pickled banana peppers, bloody snot, fleshless bones and rotten scooby snacks straight down the trash bag funnel into his mouth. The wind pressure was so strong however that all of the vomit carried itself back out of Billy's esophagus after getting mixed up in his stomach acids and attacked his parent's faces like a sentient liquidized gun blast. The demons screamed in horror as their faces melted down into acid and dripped down the seats all the way through the floor of the car. Billy held on to the steering wheel for dear life until all that was left was him and the dog that had now become frozen in the air like an alien spaceship artifact. Billy did not have a mech suit, so he let go of the steering wheel and found out that he could actually fly.

Billy flew down to the party his parents were talking about where he found the pirates. He asked the pirates where Booger Joe was, and they took him down a basement that was comprised of millions of floors. Deciding to skip the cardio, Billy took to the ceiling and focused all of his power into his throbbing thighs, blasting his beaten bruised body down through the middle of the shaft like a human shit rocket straight down to the bottom floor. Upon reaching the bottom, he was meeted with a series of doors that had words written on them with graffiti and bathroom stall type shit talk. Upon opening each door, he was greeted with an even messier and dirtier room filled with more and more garbage and rot. It was only at the very end after swimming through endless pools of garbage, feces, period blood and afterbirth smegma that he found Booger Joe living out of an ancient refrigerator full of moss and turtle meat.

"Why turtle meat?"

"Why not turtle meat? The fuck 'ya want 'ya fuckin' shiteswabbler?"

"I need to find a firework abortion doctor to remove this residue from my anus before I get pregnant and give birth to the vomit bomb. The empire directly coded it straight into my ass after getting tipped off by an american pilot and now you are my only hope. Also, I need to kill an abominable turtle man that has been taken over via means of mind control by an interdimensional turtle hunter known as Pyramid Head and his goons that visited my room in pursuit of him, throwing a void party. I must make it right and cross-correct the wrongs that I have done in my short time in this universe. I must kill the turtle man with the bad haircut and defuse the firework ash vomit bomb growing in my ass, all while juggling the offshoot goal of defeating Pyramid Head and his goons."

"Tell 'ya what baby dick, how 'boutcha tug on 'ol Booger Joe's Boogie Boy Jr. and we'll see about that vomit bomb, ayy? I am a five star turtle hunter and I will find this turtle and I will kill it. I will then needlessly travel through millions of dimensions back to this fridge and eat it in a very short span of wasted time while I cry into a bowl of oatmeal and think about how I am a shell of the person I used to be back when I ruled the sea."

"Sounds like a plan or something I guess."

END OF CHAPTER I

Join us next time in
"The Adventures of Billy, Part II: Billy Gets An Abortion"