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  1. Hebi-chanToday at 9:25 PM
  2. You're destroying yourself and it hurts a lot and I've found a lot of people who feel the same recently. You might not realize it but there are people who genuinely care about you. Lexi and keith have asked about you tons, Samu, if you remember her, was concerned for you...same with riley.
  3. PrincessPixelToday at 9:30 PM
  4. what do i do
  5. i constantly feel
  6. poisonous and detrimental
  7. especially when i inconvenience or burden people like i did at the board game night
  8. others might forgive but
  9. im
  10. i feel incapable of letting myself live those things down
  11. no matter how much it might seem okay
  12. every time i talk to a person ive slighted
  13. it just brings back every single time i have done something wrong
  14. its a constant flood of guilt that my own head doesnt seem able to stop
  15. ive seen therapists and two just
  16. gave up on me
  17. called me untreatable
  18. Hebi-chanToday at 9:34 PM
  19. because...when you get to your home, you're constantly reminded of your failures. You get yourself involved with too many people and, it's like I said, you can't help anyone when you aren't healthy. The guilt you feel isn't the cause of why you can't deal with people, its another symptom.
  20. PrincessPixelToday at 9:36 PM
  21. then what am i supposed to do
  22. Hebi-chanToday at 9:41 PM
  23. You need to take that time you wanted, and instead of using it to try and destress by closing yourself off, you need to be proactive about your own problems. That's hard, and I know its hard and I know there's a really good chance I can't get through to you with this, but you need to take inventory of everything that is hurting you personally, not people around you, not what you're doing to other people, and you need to figure out how to deal with it personally. If that means you need a place to stay, I'm offering, if that means you find some other way out of all this, that's fine too. But, how you've been just...not confronting anything that's in front of you that's affecting YOU, that's the root of all this.
  24. PrincessPixelToday at 9:45 PM
  25. does it really seem like ive done nothing to confront or attempt to fix the problems
  26. do i
  27. really look that oblivious
  28. Hebi-chanToday at 9:45 PM
  29. No. I don't think you're oblivious at all. I think you're anxious.
  30. PrincessPixelToday at 9:46 PM
  31. every attempt is met with even worse pain
  32. and far before beth
  33. this sort of thing was built up from absolute years of abandonment
  34. its
  35. not easily fixed
  36. its not even close to easy to do so much as bring it up without
  37. aggression and backlash and pain
  38. Hebi-chanToday at 9:48 PM
  39. No, of course it isn't easy, otherwise you would have fixed it already.
  40. PrincessPixelToday at 9:49 PM
  41. its not just not easy
  42. it can be damn near impossible at times
  43. i spent nearly all last night in tears
  44. Hebi-chanToday at 9:49 PM
  45. But, a comfortable misery and a misery you've fallen into after fighting to tr and be happy are both misery, but only one has any potential of changing.
  46. I know you're scared of losing everything, and i kow you're scared of hurting more... but you're throwing away the things I've seen make you genuinely happy yourself here.
  47. PrincessPixelToday at 9:51 PM
  48. its not only the fear
  49. do you know how difficult it is to fight that absolute paranoia
  50. it feels like im fighting some massive beast
  51. but it knows everything i would try against it
  52. that paranoid just
  53. infects everything with doubt
  54. until im stuck gaslighting myself into the worst possible truths
  55. like being absolutely convinced that lexi despised me and wanted me nowhere near after that night
  56. Hebi-chanToday at 9:53 PM
  57. I mean, I've convinced myself of the same thing dozens of times, I've been there, that's why I'm even attempting to talk abou this.
  58. PrincessPixelToday at 9:54 PM
  59. do you know how hard it is to be so completely aware of it too
  60. to be all too aware of the impossible irrationality
  61. and still be helpless to feel any different despite knowing better from years of observation
  62. Hebi-chanToday at 9:54 PM
  63. Like...yeah i know exactly what paranoia that everyone hates me feels like, that I'm not fitting some standard no one bothered to tell me about, and have every rotten thing I messed up come back to haunt me even when no one else brought it up.
  64. PrincessPixelToday at 9:56 PM
  65. then you know how much it hurts to be told
  66. "you havent fixed enough"
  67. Hebi-chanToday at 9:58 PM
  68. I know how much it hurts...but I also know how much it's true. I didn't confront my problems, I did run away from everything...and starting to go out into the world, and make progress on those things is what began to build my self confidence back...and lexi was really stern with me and hurt me a lot toget me there.
  69. PrincessPixelToday at 10:03 PM
  70. i dont want it back
  71. i want to just be
  72. done
  73. i have tried so many people and so many communities and so many hobbies and skills and so many different headspaces and coping mechanisms and
  74. nothing fucking works
  75. i dont feel worth it
  76. even to myself
  77. Hebi-chanToday at 10:07 PM
  78. then go self admit yourself to a mental hospital and be done. Just go, quit. No one can help someone who doesn't want to be helped.
  79. PrincessPixelToday at 10:07 PM
  80. done that once already
  81. it didnt help
  82. and just
  83. every day made those thoughts worse
  84. i stopped showing and started lying to just to get out and stop hurting
  85. next time i will just choose a bridge
  86. those dont work
  87. they just make you suppress it harder
  88. Hebi-chanToday at 10:11 PM
  89. didnt say that they would help you be happy, but they would let you quit
  90. PrincessPixelToday at 10:12 PM
  91. sorry for misunderstanding
  92. do you hate me
  93. Hebi-chanToday at 10:14 PM
  94. no
  95. I'm just frustrated because I can't do anything more for you.
  96. PrincessPixelToday at 10:15 PM
  97. but i hurt you
  98. and your friends
  99. you can
  100. please
  101. please help me
  102. i just
  103. want the guilt to stop
  104. the paranoia breeds in silence
  105. from not knowing
  106. so please just
  107. tell me things are okay
  108. that lexi and keith dont hate me or want me never near you
  109. or that chiaki is just leaving for my sake and not because i hurt her too much to be around
  110. please just
  111. save me from these
  112. these lies my head keeps telling me
  113. because i cant trust myself anymore
  114. i dont trust in anything i have to help
  115. because it could just be more lies
  116. Hebi-chanToday at 10:17 PM
  117. Things are...complicated. I have strained feelings towards you right now, but its not because I hate you, its because I don't trust you.And understand those are very different things. I don't think you're a bad person, but I think you are compulsed by your current state of mind to be very drutrating to deal with. I really want you to be okay, because you made me feel so amazing, but I don't know what to do.
  118. Lexi and keith keep asking me to invite you over again and I'm just never sure if just asking you would hurt you more.
  119. or if things would stress you out again and make you even worse off
  120. Chiaki said she wanted to give you space to "do youtr thing" and didn't want to mess up things for you
  121. I don't know how to both let you be away and alone and keep telling you things are okay because no one I know specifically hates you
  122. PrincessPixelToday at 10:21 PM
  123. oh
  124. im
  125. sorry for asking that of you
  126. it wasnt okay
  127. ssorry
  128. iim isorryfor
  129. bBreakinguour Ty trust t
  130. imaosd
  131. ins s
  132. sodrruy
  133. Hebi-chanToday at 10:23 PM
  134. everyone I've talked to said somevariant of the same thing
  135. I like pixel, she seems really nice, but I don't know how to help her
  136. everyone likes you that ive talked to, even if I had no idea they knew you
  137. Even freaking blitz
  138. Some also said I should probably stop dealing with you for my own mental health, but I'm pretty stubborn
  139. PrincessPixelToday at 10:27 PM
  140. ioh
  141. Hebi-chanToday at 10:29 PM
  142. that's what people think
  143. on other things, people think that beth is actively making problems you already normally had worse, that's a pretty huge consensus among those I've talked to, they said you weren't nearly as bad before that, I know you say otherwise, but that's just people's perception of you.
  144. PrincessPixelToday at 10:39 PM
  145. what do you want most claire
  146. if the how was just
  147. solved
  148. what would you want
  149. Hebi-chanToday at 10:42 PM
  150. I'd want a good dom girlfriend who was there for me, I'd want to be able to go to school without having to worry about holding down part time work at all and to be able to breed snakes for an extra money I wanted.
  151. PrincessPixelToday at 10:43 PM
  152. youve been worrying way too much about me
  153. people were right
  154. ive been bad for your mental health
  155. let me be something positive instead
  156. i can be that person for you
  157. Hebi-chanToday at 10:51 PM
  158. I really, really want that., and it pains me to doubt you... but even if I go back to priasing you every day and giving you a lot...won't you fall back here again with how things are right now?
  159. PrincessPixelToday at 10:51 PM
  160. i wont let it show or affect my actions
  161. and maybe the faking will start to feel real
  162. im not going to lie to you
  163. i cant really get rid of this
  164. i will probably still be torn up by it inside
  165. but im hoping
  166. that having composure again
  167. even just fake confidence
  168. will give me enough to keep out of risk
  169. youre right to doubt
  170. Hebi-chanToday at 10:55 PM
  171. You are free to come overagain, by the way, I've sort of lied to lexi and keith about how bad things had ggotten so... they are none the wiser, and I know, at least partially, it's helped you a bit...even if Beth tendws to erase it all.
  172. PrincessPixelToday at 10:55 PM
  173. im dissociating and all of this has just stopped feeling meaningful
  174. Hebi-chanToday at 10:55 PM
  175. yeah
  176. PrincessPixelToday at 10:56 PM
  177. youre not going to trust me again
  178. Hebi-chanToday at 10:56 PM
  179. I mean, as much as I am in favor of you trying to fake things to feel better, I'm in the twice bitten once shy phase here.
  180. PrincessPixelToday at 10:56 PM
  181. and ive kind of accepted that
  182. ive played the trust gain game before
  183. they never actually trust me again
  184. so i think ive just
  185. Hebi-chanToday at 10:57 PM
  186. It's hard, as much as I want to.
  187. PrincessPixelToday at 10:57 PM
  188. stopped caring
  189. and accepted youre going to doubt me no matter what i do
  190. Hebi-chanToday at 10:57 PM
  191. You're fighting against the tide of my own anxieties at that point.
  192. PrincessPixelToday at 10:58 PM
  193. im not even fighting anymore
  194. i dont care
  195. i feel numb
  196. i feel absolutely inconsequential no matter what method i try
  197. so i might as well just be honest about how nothings getting better
  198. im not even here
  199. my head is pounding full of white noise
  200. the words im saying are some garbled mess of unhealthy hurtful thoughts
  201. and i dont even feel
  202. bad
  203. i just feel like it doesnt matter
  204. and i know im going to be a guiltridden mess for this later
  205. Hebi-chanToday at 11:01 PM
  206. That's one way to cope I suppose
  207. PrincessPixelToday at 11:01 PM
  208. its not coping
  209. its just another step on the self destruct five cycle
  210. i dont even want to move
  211. i should go inside but im just sitting in my car
  212. Hebi-chanToday at 11:02 PM
  213. You've been in your car this whole time?
  214. PrincessPixelToday at 11:02 PM
  215. was driving home a bit ago
  216. Hebi-chanToday at 11:02 PM
  217. ah
  218. PrincessPixelToday at 11:02 PM
  219. my head hurts
  220. Hebi-chanToday at 11:02 PM
  221. sre you just feeling alienated from the house?
  222. PrincessPixelToday at 11:03 PM
  223. pretty sure i feel that about literally everywhere
  224. digital or physical
  225. i dont belong anywhere claire
  226. i never did
  227. growing up i was a waste of space
  228. waste of money
  229. waste of time
  230. waste of effort
  231. to parents
  232. to achool
  233. to friends
  234. to college
  235. to jobs
  236. to everyone
  237. i am time better spent elsewhere
  238. i dont belong with guys
  239. or girls
  240. or even the people in between
  241. i dont belong with geeks
  242. or kinksters
  243. or even just people at all
  244. i dont belong
  245. and every time i get hope that i do
  246. something happens to dash it all worse off than before
  247. you want to talk about fear
  248. about twice bitten
  249. ive become jaded
  250. from how many times ive been through this
  251. ive stopped hoping
  252. that things would be different
  253. i feel
  254. wrong
  255. Hebi-chanToday at 11:11 PM
  256. What are you hoping would be different? How you felt? Cause no one in the world but you controls that. To your own admission, its your own stress and guilt that pushes you away from people. If you set things up the same, there's no hope for anything to be different.
  257. PrincessPixelToday at 11:11 PM
  258. i dont set them up the same
  259. i dont know what im saying anymore
  260. i tried to ask and even fucking beg for help with fighting that guilt and doubt and got told im not trusted instead
  261. Hebi-chanToday at 11:15 PM
  262. Do you want me to lie? If you know you've hurt me, then accept that. But, if you don't want to be told I can't trust you anymore, I'm not the right person to ask. I have that bias. Don't fight your guilt. Accept you've been wrong and try to move past it. but of all things you've asked of me, you've always asked me to be honest with you. And I am. I don not hate you, but I do not trust you.
  263. I can't stop feeling that way just because you want help.
  264. PrincessPixelToday at 11:16 PM
  265. i didnt ask you to stop feeling it
  266. im saying that i was desperately trying to put my guilt aside and ask for help without feeling selfish for it
  267. i opened up and begged
  268. and the response was
  269. that
  270. Hebi-chanToday at 11:17 PM
  271. I don't klnow how to help you Erika.
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