Thread 20: Stories 61-77

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Dash
"Mane-iac"
~~~~

>No.

"But whyyyyyy ZIPPEROUS ZAPP! Would I not be an EXCELLENT addition to your arsenal of COSTUMED HEROES!"

>First off, 'heroes' is actually stretching it more and more with every passing day. Second, you're missing something important here.

"And what is that, ZAPP!?"

>You do realize we're an aerial team, right? You need to be able to fly.

"...OH! WHY DID YOU NOT SAY SO MY ONCE FOE!? AHAHAHAH! I shall-"

>NO!

"..."

>NO! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! NOOOOOOOO! DON'T YOU DARE! DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE!

"I..."

>NO! I know what you're going to do! You're going to pull a Pinkie and, I don't know, spin you hair like a little helicopter or something and take off, and you know what? NO! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS BULLSHIT!

"..."

>You are going to turn around, you are going to walk out that door, and if I see so much as ONE SPIN I will end you! DO YOU HEAR ME!?

"....Sheesh, you're a jerk. Fine! I don't want to join your super-team anyway!"

A tentacle-like protrusion of hair snaked around, grabbed the back of her costume by her hindquarters, and lifter her off the ground. Without another word, she floated out the door.

>....I need a drink.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>SA
"13"
~~~~

>Did you manage to set fire to my bathtub?

"I DON'T KNOW HOW THIS HAPPENED! My Queen just asked me to draw her a bath, and then there was fire!"

>...Are you on fire?

"Am I? I don't even know anymore."

>Why do I smell gas?... Did someone hook up my gasline to my water pump? What the hell are the odds something like that is going to happen?

"Well, I'm in the room, so you'd be surprised."

>What is that popping noise?

"Pretty sure it's the weirdly explosive bath salts."

>Bath salts explode?

"They did to my face."

>Ah. You want to sap a little love and get healed up?

"I would, but I'm kind of afraid I'll hurt you."

>Nahhh, it's fine. Honestly, you guys overhype how much love you need, I barely even feel it.

"Well...okay, I guess I could-AH!"

*SLIP!*

>GAHHHHHHH!

"Uh, mah fangsh are kinna shtuck in yer' shoulder."

>AHHHHHHHH!

"An' ahm shtill ohn fire..."

>AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

"...Showwy"

>AHHHHHHHHHH!
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Applejack
"Cadence"
'???'
~~~~

*SLAM!"

"APPLEJACK!"

>...This is new. Was expectin' the bug monster.

"First off, racist. Bug monster is a terrible term we used to describe them when we literally thought they were nothing but monsters who looked like bugs. We now know that most of them are not, in fact, monsters, and if you use that derogatory term around my daughter, who is one of those 'bug monsters' I will reminds you, I will be forced to write you a sternly worded letter!"

>...

"...OH! And I came here for another reason!"

>Ah' would hope so.

"You can't let Spike go into the caves!"

>Sug' Ah' appreciate that yer' concerned, but Ah' couldn't stop him iffin' Ah' tried.

"...Yes you could, he's pretty tiny. You could just pick him up with magic and then what's he going to do? Flail at you?"

>...Uh...

"Fine! Whatever! Then you have to go with him!"

>Ah' can't leave mah' work here ta' run off like that, no matter how much Ah' want to. Trust me, iffin' Ah' could go, Ah' would... and don't ya'll offer neither. Iffin' Shiny heard Ah' let ya' go down there, he'd hit ME with a juggernaut and drop me in a volcano.

"Yeah... he would... but that's besides the point! Then... you need to get some vacation time and start planning another adventure for when he gets back!"

>...And now ya' lost me.

"UGH! Look!"

*ZAP!*

>Did ya'll make this chart? No way.

"What? I know how to make a little bar go up or down, Applejack! It's not THAT complicated!"

>That's a pie chart-

"No matter! Point is, currently you and Rarity are rating at bluish tangerine in sparklejoules, but this could-"

>Sparkle what now?

"LET ME FINISH!... Anyway, as we all know, there are icky things down there, and love is more likely to increase when in a stressful situation with someone you trust and can rely on! Rarity's sparklejoules could shoot straight up to pearlish lavender! PEARLISH LAVENDER!"

>...Mah eyes are crossin'.

"I know, it's a lot to take in, but follow me. With Rarity at pearlish lavender, YOU would be bumped down to peckish orange, as his love reserves would skew in one direction, resulting in a complete collapse on your end! It would take so much work to get you just to gala red if you don't act quickly!"

>She'd never intentionally use this-

"Of course it's not intentional! Don't be silly! But the fact of the matter is that Spike so far has only registered lavender sparklejoules TOTAL for his love stores, and I have proof of this via my own investigations and the work of several very helpful changelings. See?"

>...Ah' kinda wish ya' would put this much effort inta' actually runnin' yer' kingdom.

"Applejack! You need to stop playing and ACT! Do you want to lose this fight?"

>...Thank ya' for yer' help, and Ah' will be sure ta' take this infermation inta' consideration, and act accordingly.

"Great!"

>Iffin' ya' would, please leave those here so Ah' can examine them more thoroughly.

"Gladly! Happy I could help, Applejack, just between you and me I like you more for the ultimate winner... Rarity thinks she's prettier than I am."

>Ah' appreciate the consideration. Have a good day.

"You too! Bye!"

>...Now, just how drunk was she?

'Sadly, not as much as you would think.'

>...Twilight, how long have ya' been standin' there?

'I uh... I was here the whole time. You just didn't see me.'

>...huh... so, wait, she's actually right about the...

'...Yeah...'

>...Shit.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Non-canon

>Pennydrop
"Dragon"
~~~~

>I have to admit. I didn't expect to see the day a dragon would want to seek employment. I had to see this myself.

An onyx dragon sits in a chair across from her.
"'sup hoe. Dang, gurl yo ass be lookin' fine today. Ummph!"

>...what?

"Bitch, I say yo gots curves that I'd even...oh wait. Hol' up. I forget, yo bitch ass midget-horses don't know how ta be talking drakes. Get some subs in dis joint. Ahem..."
As he speaks, flaming words appear in front of him.

"Let's rewind this beat. What's good, gurl? Yo ass be looking fine today. "(Let's try again. Hello Miss, you look pretty today.)

>...okay. You can understand me right?

"Do I look some pussy ass scrub? I get you fo sho. Word up, zigga."(Yes, I completely understand what you're saying. Please continue.)

>Good. For this interview, I'd like to ask you some questions.

"Shiat, I studied fo' dis exam yo. You ain't getting nothin' over me."(I'm prepared. Ask away.)

>For starters, what brings a dragon here to Fawntaine Futuristics?

"Me mom and pop went and threw me outta mah crib, yo. Theys be like 'Bitch you's better stop mooching offa us and do something cuz we ain't gonna take care of yo ugly ass fo'ever.' I heard dat ponies got mad dough and ain't nobody's cashin' in, so now I's here a'ight?"(My parents told me it was time to leave home and gather my own treasure. It sounded like there are opportunities among pony kind that aren't explored yet, so I came here seeking fortune.)

>...understandable. Alright, why should we let you work with us? What makes you think you're qualified?

"Bitch, Ima dragon. How dat don't make me qualified?"(Because I'm a dragon, Miss. Surely I would be a fascinating asset to have.)

>Hmmm, that is true. It's not everyday a dragon wants to work with us....perhaps it's finally time to open up our demographic to include to dragons.

"Now that's what I'm talking about, gurl. Let me in and we would be making mad gold."(I like the way you think. If you hire me, we can make quite a lot of bits together.)

>One last question. How do you feel about traveling?

"Bitch, I travel so much that my peeps won't even let me play b-ball."(I don't mind travelling. I tend to do it a lot.)

>Great, you're hired. We'll get you familiar with our products and train you. Then you'll be out selling to dragons.

"Aw hellz yea my zigga...Uh listen, shortay. I aint' gots no pad right now. Mind, hooking me up?"(Excellent. Um excuse me miss, but I'm currently homeless, so could you perhaps set me up with a housing arrangement?)

>Oh...I'm sure we can arrange something.

"Cool...cool....Can I haz a goat?"(Okay, that's good to know....May I eat one of your goats? They look delicious.)

2/2
I discovered the ebonics translator and couldn't resist to see if I could do something with it(with a heavy dose of my own spice to it).
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

And so it begins....
~~~~~~~~

It started with a single kiss.

Just a brushing peck against her cheek. There was no blush following the sensation. In fact, he felt a bit of moisture there. Probably because she was silently crying, tears drip-dropping while her face remained a tight blank slate.

And then it ended with a single kiss….

~~~Two Hours Earlier~~~

The sky looked as though carrying a great burden: heavy and dower and peppered with clouds reminiscent of factory exhaust. There were no meetings today, no dignitary gatherings to waste hours arguing about destroyed property or that this land should help that land because they have more resources… no castle-wide hijinks shook up the dreary day because everyone within the castle, everyone who knew at least, was too preoccupied with their own thoughts to be chaotic.

Even the ballroom was eerily calm.

In the gun club chambers was where Spike stood, his eyes rolling over the assortment of different gadgets laid out over the table before him. Twilight had provided him with some of her less Twiency weapons, the ones that didn’t melt or combust the wielder, and he just hadn’t had the heart to give an immediate no.

“Why the hell am I even looking over this stuff? I only need one thing….”

He deliberately reached over the pile, grabbing onto Charity. She oddly felt heavier, and not in a metaphorical sense preluding the future. But legitimately heavy. It didn’t matter, wasn’t even worth two seconds thought, and he shoved her into the holster at his side.

The helmet-wearing 42 watched in a determined silence as her protégé pulled on some fingerless gloves crafted by Rarity specifically for the occasion and secured a gunmetal-silver cloak around his neck.

“42,” Spike called suddenly, nonchalantly, fastening his gloves, “can you tone down on that murderous vibe you got going there? I'd swear gravity just increased tenfold.”

When she didn’t respond, he wasn’t surprised. He knew as well as she did that if she opened her mouth for any reason the only thing to come forth would be more reasons why he was a “jackass” and why doing this was a waste of time.

Looking just as sickly as when he first emerged from his cell, Blueblood glanced down the sight of his rifle, saw that it was accurate, and placed it on his back. Where they were going would probably render the weapon useless but still, the condom rule very much applied here. He then picked up the dragon-forged blade, blew a bit of dust from the tip, then strapped it to his hip.

As the two explorers picked and rummaged over the table, adding this or that to their arsenal, the other members of the Gun Club stared as one, silent. Nothing but the ticking of the overhead clock and the occasional metal thunk was heard. And that was fine. Words weren’t needed….

Blueblood clicked a royal-white cloak closed by the clasp at his neck. “I think I’m well prepared to march headlong into my grave now, dragon. Are you?”

Ignoring him, Spike looked up towards the ceiling without seeing it. He mostly inhaled the hostile air of the room, the worn out scent of gun polish and used bullets. He remembered… he wanted to give Silver Spoon a pep-talk about contributing to the club in more ways than just pulling the trigger… he wanted to hold a proper rematch with 42… there was still all that wonderful meat to taste with PotatoJack, and he’d yet to try out her 3DMG… DT was still owed a date or something… and 77-

It was only then that he realized he’d been subconsciously staring to each member as plans for their future together played out in his mind.

He placed a gloved hand on the table and, using one of his claws, carved the exact time into the marble surface: 14:31.

“The clock starts now,” was all he felt needed to be said before turning with Blueblood and heading out.

~~~~~

The walk through the deserted halls passed by with all the levity of attending a funeral despite the small entourage following and growing behind Spike and Blueblood. Gunclub members, random Changelings, a few guards, all of them falling in step at their back.

And when Blueblood suddenly stopped, so too did Spike, and when the both of them paused, the group followed suit.

At first, Blueblood didn’t know what he was seeing and blinked profusely at the stallion and mare emerging from a side-door, led by a royal guard. They looked to be well-aged, of good heritage even, and when the guard pointed a hoof directly at Blueblood, their gazes fell upon him.

“Blueblood… are those your-” Spike started, baffled, but he received his answer when the formerly caged stallion broke rank to stumble up to the two older ponies, the look of disbelief on his face yet to subside.

In reality, it took all of six, maybe seven minutes but to Spike, it seemed as though hours passed. He watched as Blueblood approached the stallion first, exchanging hardly a word before the older male closed his eyes with a wry smile. And then Blueblood addressed the mare, the two of them nuzzling muzzles before she broke down in tears, tears that didn’t stop despite Blueblood’s quiet assurances. He hugged the older stallion once more and pecked the elder mare on the cheek before slowly backing away, continuously mouthing three words that Spike could very easily decipher.

When he finally stood back at Spike’s side, he looked no worse for wear and stayed staring at the couple, looking as though an entire continent separated them.

Again, words weren’t necessary. Spike didn’t need to ask if Blueblood if he was alright when he was clearly trembling with a mad desire to drop all the shit attached to him and rush back to his parents, but the fact that he stayed steadfast strengthened Spike in ways that confused him.

And they continued on….

~~~~

They were climbing the stairs now, step by step, like ascending a mountain. With the crowd behind them, it sounded very much like an army stomping up to battle and neither Spike or Blueblood even so much as paused when they emerged at the top to find Rarity waiting, decked out in attire far too glitzy for the occasion. But who cared? Not them. They stepped right past her and she joined in on Spike’s other side, nodding to him and shooting Blueblood a skin-searing glare that he returned quite easily.

“Convict,” she greeted formerly.

“Diamond digger,” he responded with a regal flare.

Spike almost chuckled. “Glad to see we can skip the introductions then.”

~~~~

“Joiiiinnnnn….”

It was on the third corridor that they came across the hazmat-wearing Rekulk, which initiated another pause as Spike stared the costumed creature up and down.

“You ready to protect Canterlot, Reky?”

“Fiiiiiight, yesssss… proteeeeckt….

That was all Spike needed to hear before they were on the move again.

~~~~~~

She was waiting for him, as he knew she would be. Applejack, looking like a wife seeing her husband off to war. She was in the restroom, along with Celestia, Luna, Cadence, Twilight, Shining, and half the enormous gathering picked up from their walk through the castle.

The only ones smiling were 56 and Two, both them waving eagerly. Together with her robot companion, 10 stood off to the side fiddling with her camera, trying to remember which button to press and accidentally flashing herself right in the eyes.

“AGH!”

“BZZZZT ERROR ERROR FLASH BUTTON PUSHED!”

“Ya think?!”

Spike focused on the toilet… or what used to be a toilet. In preparation for their descent, it had been completely uprooted from the ground, along with quite a fair bit of ground itself, revealing a very craggy hole that led into pure darkness.

The musty scent of decay expelled from that pit assaulted Spike’s nostrils and he snorted a plume of green flame. “You guys know you didn’t have to meet us here,” he said to the princesses, then glancing back towards the others, “none of you.”

Before any could respond, PJ stepped up, sweeping the spud from her mouth and tucking it into Spike’s backpack like a treasure for safekeeping. “If it gets too dark down there, strike a light. Protecting Canterlot be damned, we’ll be by your side faster than Celestia goes through cake.”

“And even that’s too slow,” 18 chimed in with a snort. “We’re talking so fast, you’ll be face-deep in apple booty before you get a yell out.”

Applejack stuttered, face flaring up. “Y’all be quiet, 18!”

“Yeah, shut up and quit trying to ruin my stories!” shouted one particular Changeling who carried a notepad that he was busy writing in.

The Cadence-lookalike only rolled her eyes. “Like anyone reads that garbage anyway.”

It was then that 42’s previous expression of stone melted away and she suddenly looked uncomfortable, shuffling awkwardly on her hooves. “Umm, I- that is-”

“Besides the closet-pervert,” continued 18, “obviously.”

It was nice to laugh, to hear the sound of his friends and family as they erupted into a giggling fit. That atmosphere didn’t seem so deadening that way….

Applejack ended it with a throat-clearing cough, approaching the purple dragon and parting her lips to begin with, “Spike… well, Ah know Ah can’t stop ya, but… before ya go, Ah wanna jus’ say that-”


And it started with a single kiss.

Just a brushing peck against her cheek. There was no blush following the sensation. In fact, he felt a bit of moisture there. Probably because she was silently crying, tears drip-dropping while her face remained a tight blank slate.

And then it ended with a single kiss….

“You don’t even have to worry, this’ll be a walk in the park!” Spike got out with far more bravado than he knew he possessed. He pointed to Blueblood-“Because I got this idiot”-then to Rekulk-“this guy, who just might scare away whatever’s down there”-then finally to Rarity-“and this beauty right here for when things get boring.”

His joke earned a round of wolf whistles from a few like-minded deviants and Celestia herself giggled while Rarity looked nonplussed as she adjusted her goggles.

“So long as those two don’t watch, I’m game, darling,” she replied as easily as though discussing the weather.

Spike chuckled nervously and from the way back of the group came a woe-filled cry from two DnD’ing stallions, “WHY IS IT NEVER USSSSS?!”

“I’d rather have my eyes gouged out with a pair of white-hot pliers than witness such an atrocity,” Blueblood uttered with a shiver.

“Pity, you may well learn how a real man operates,” Rarity said.

“Were a real lady part of this equation I might be tempted to agree with you.”

“It honestly doesn’t surprise me that you can no longer tell a real woman when you see one, considering your lengthy time in jail. Surrounded by men. For countless days.”

Rekulk hissed. And that alone stopped the verbal fighting but the glares above Spike’s head continued.

“Thank you, strange one,” 77 offered with a slight bow. There was something rigid in his stare when he turned to Spike, bone knife in hoof and pointing down into that dark abyss. “Until you resurface, I will not leave this spot.”

“Really, dear, that’s utterly appreciative and all but you can’t just sit in one spot for an undetermined amount of time!” Rarity gasped, batting those glitter-laden eyelashes in shock. “What of your food? Your bodily functions?”

Between Shiny and Celestia was where Chrysalis stood, hunching a shoulder. “He’s a hardheaded little Stabbyjack, he is.” She strode over to him. “I mean, what kinda idiot would just sit here in this depressing, unsanitary room and do nothing but wait and wait and wait?” She sat down next to the one-eyed Changeling. “A royal idiot is who.”

77 looked aghast, as did half the spectators. “My Queen! You don’t have t-”

Chrysalis twitched an ear, suddenly confused. “Is that you I hear telling me what I can and can’t do, Stabbyjack?” she wondered.

“I… n-no, your majesty.”

“Ah, didn’t think so,” she beamed. “And you, dragon boy, get going already. For fuck’s sake, my ass is already starting to get sore and this is a pretty big ass with lots of cushion!”

As everyone began that slow build-up to an encouraging round of applause, Spike met Applejack’s eye one last time. Red-faced with embarrassment though she was, she brought up a sincere, loving smile.

And as he stepped with his fellows into the cold embrace of the unknown, he figured that was all he needed to see. Her smile.

“I’ll keep her rump nice and warm for ya with my face, Spike!”

“…thanks, 56. Thanks.”

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

~~~
"Hold it!"

Everyone froze stiff as a statue, some trying to locate the owner of the voice who made herself known when she pushed through. It was Diamon Tiara.

Without another word, the small filly shoved the group back, and tossed down several grenades and shouted "FIRE IN THE HOLE!" making everyone take cover.

A loud, wet explosion resonated through the cavern followed by the noise of several, likely awful, things dying.

"Okay, go ahead." The pink filly said casually then noticed everyone staring at her like she was nuts. "What? I'd think the bug monster in the dumb helmet would know about clearing entry ways! Jeez, am I and Button Mash the only one who have played Call of Cutie?"

"Those games are shit! Battlefield: Modern Warmare forever!" 8-Bit shouted and everyone watched in quiet shock as the filly pulled out a butcher knife.

"Them's fightin' words!"

And the group went more quiet as they watched 8-Bit tear off his shirt and draw his own knife. "HELL YEAH THEY ARE!"

The expedition team tried their best to ignore the ensuing melee, instead Spike just quietly turned to the Royalty and said: "I think we'll just be going now..."

And just like that, the dramatic and tense atmosphere of diving into the unknown was ruined.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Blueblood
"Spike"
'Rarity'
~~~
>Blueblood's log, entry thirty six, my team is dead and I find myself trapped, lost, and alone in the dark. I feel my sanity slipping away from me and can no longer tell if the voices I hear are the vengeful spirits of my fallen comrades, predators in the shadows waiting for their chance to strike, or if they are merely the voices in my head.

"Blueblood... We've only been walking for five minutes, we can still see the entrance."

'I'm amazed he's already filled out thirty six entries.'

"He's gotta be doing this to fuck with us right?"

>To survive, I am now forced to drink my own piss.

"Right?"
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Spike
"Blueblood"
'Rarity'
-Rekulk-

The most unlikely quartet of adventurers make their way through the cavernous catacombs of Canterlot, the dark lit by the horns of the Alicorn Princess and the disgraces Unicorn Noble.

>So...a young dragon, an Alicorn, a dickhead unicorn, and a...whatever Rekulk is go down into a deep dark forboding cave.

"You are not turning this into some nonsensical bar joke, are you?"

>Nahhh, not yet, I don't know how it ends.

"I think it involves those of us who are mortal dying horribly."

'Oh hush, we are not going to die, we simply are.'

-Hsssh...daaaark...-

"That has been establish Rek-aahhh! You're even freakier in the dark, don't look at me!"

-Hsssh...ruuuude...-

'I agree with the darling little...fellow? He came here of his own free will to guide us, you shouldn't bad mouth him at every opportunity.'

"About that..."

>What?

"He's going to guide us, right?"

>Yeah?

"How? He can barely talk."

-...darrrrk?-

>Yeah, Rekulk. It's dark.

-No...skyyyyy?-

"We're in a cave, you fool, of course there's no sky!"

-...waaaaaiiiitttt...-

"Wait? What do you mean wait-where'd he go!?"

The creature has disappeared into the darkness, Blueblood and Rarity shine their lights all around but cannot find the odd figure.

"Did he seriously just ditch us?"

'Grand, Blueblood, your boorish antics just cost us our guide.'

>Hang on, I don't think he's really left.

-You are correct, Spike of the scaled ones!-

"Where did-AUNTIE WEPT!"

Blueblood turns his head and comes face to face with the smiling face of Rekulk sans his suit. The unicorn scrambles back from the pale pony with his sharp teeth and shaggy mane.

-Hahaha! The Hay-Haired one mewls like a pup!-

>So you CAN talk without the suit.

'And he can scare the spittle out of this cowardly little simpleton.'

-It is good to speak, to try in the suit is like when first learning the surface world language, slow, ploddy, feel like ignorant pup.-

"What the hell ARE you?!"

-I am Rekulk! I am Trader! I am Morlock! All these I am, and I am as well your guide and protector!-

>A...Morlock...

'One of those dreadful little creatures that menaced poor 77?'

The Morlock blinks, but nods.

-Yes, I am a he of they.-

Spike unceremoniously pulls Charity, eyes narrowing.

>Rekulk...I'm only going to say this once. I don't know you or your people, all I got is 77's story and 32's claims that he reformed you, and I'm more likely to trust one more than the other. However AJ vouched for you, so I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt, but if your mouth so much as waters while looking at one of us, I'm going to paint these cave walls with your brains, got it?

'...Celestia's mom I want to just throw you down on the floor when you talk like that.'

"Mood killer."

Rekulk's expression hardens, but he nods, he slowly kneels.

-Spike of scales, I, Rekulk, Trader Brother of the Morlocks, have pledged to trade with the Apple Princess to guide you in safety to that which skitters in the deep. The trade binds, it demands success, I will not fail a trade twice. I shall prove Morlocks are worthy of trade, and more trades will come! I vow on the name of Zhetri Tuuhl!-

"...You're really hung up on trade, aren't you?"

Spike slowly lowers his gun.

>Good enough for me.

-Though if he of the Hay Hair annoys me, may I nibble an ear?-

>Knock yourself out.

"FUCK YOU!"

>Now that that's settled, let's get back to it.

And thus the journey began in earnest.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

"Angry Marine 1"
'Angry Marine 2'
~Chitania~
---

"BATTLE BROTHER, WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS THIS XENO DOING HERE?!"

'THE FUCK ARE YOU ON ABOUT?!'

"LOOK, YOU DUMB BASTARD!"

'OH, THAT FUCKING XENO THERE?! IT'S SOME FUCKING CARTOON OR SOME SHIT!!'

"FUCKING BADGER CUNTS!!"

'I KNOW, DOESN'T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE!! BUT IT'S REALLY FUCKING ANGRY SO FUCKLAW BEGRUDGINGLY MADE IT OUR CUNTING MASCOT!!'

"WHAT A WANKER."

'I KNOW, BUT I CANNOT DENY THIS BEASTS PURE FUCKING HATRED AND ANGER, BATTLE BROTHER!!'

"WHAT DO YOU ME--"

Chitania proceeds to approach an Imperial Guard Commissar executing heretics and stomp all of THOSE FUCKING PUSSIES THAT TRIED TO RUN FROM SLAANESHES BITCHES, literally stomping their faces into pasty red mush. She then kicks the Commissar in the bollocks, growing with malice.

"THAT'S PRETTY FUCKING ANGRY!!"

'I KNOW, RIGHT?!'
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Spike
"Blueblood"
'Rarity'
~Rekulk~
~~~~~

The descent had been slow thus far. The sound of 77's recounting of his tales down here still very fresh in their minds. Light's pointed in every direction, ears flickering back and forth looking for any sounds, fear putting all of them on edge.

~It's really not that bad-~

>"'ACK!'"

~...~

>...WHY!?

~Metal Wielder, I was just trying to say it is not as bad as you are making it out to be. I have lived down here since I escaped my mother's maw, covered in the blood of my kin. It is not so bad.~

"You... you have to be joking."

~...What is a 'joke'? I do not know this word.~

"Now see, THAT part I believe."

'Darling you must understand, the poor thing has lived here his whole life. This is all he knows.'

>Yeah, Blueblood, maybe you could learn a thing or two from him.

"Pfft, like what? How to smell like I crawled out of a swamprats anus?"

~Or that you should not lean your gun against the wall, the staring one will notice.~

"Eep!...Thanks."

'Uh...'

Slowly, all eyes turned to the white alicorn.

Who had just leaned her bag against the wall...

'Oops...'

A deafening screech rang out through the cave, and the sound of a thousand legs skittering on the ceiling sent shakes along the ground. Above them, dozens of glittering eyes lit up in the darkness, all going down the line of a single, segmented thing.

The lights shined up to reveal a massive centipede like creature, eyes trailing along it's carapace like an all seeing trail of death. From it's maw hung four massive pincers, each one dripping with poison.

Like a train forged of pure hate, it charged forward towards the white alicorn, attempting to snap her up like a spider to it's pray.

SNAP!

...And only found it's own neck snapping clean off as a panicked grip of magic tore its' head from it's body and hurled it away as if it were a bomb.

The creature flailed in agony for a few moments, it's eyes on the rest of it's body still looking around in a panic, and sharp daggers for legs stomping about in an attempt to spear it's prey and fight back, even though it lacked the head to devour them any longer.

A hail of bullets landed in every single segment, and at last the eyes went dark, and a pool of foul smelling blood began to seep in all around them.

>...Rarity? Are you-

'F-F-FINE! I'M FINE!'

Her shrieks told them she was not, in fact, fine. But nonetheless, she hobbled forward, walking on unsteady legs deeper into the cave.

'W-we should... should get going. Something probably heard that.'

~...The sparkle one speaks wisely, we should be off before the delicious meat of the corpse attracts more.~

"...I'm sorry?"

~What? I love it's meat.~

Oblivious to the odd stares and hungry looks the two had, the dragon of the group just watched as Rarity began to go further and further.

>...This might've been a mistake.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Non-canon
~~~

~Scaled one, don't forget to put in your initials?~

>My what?

~Since you destroyed the rest of the body, you got the high score.~

Rekulk gestured to the floating, pixilated counter which showed Spike's nearly one million score along with three, floating 'A's

>Oh, cool.

Spike then ran up and put in his score initials as SPK with a small ding, they changed into 'game over'
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Canon-debatable
>Rarity
"Spike"
'Twilight via Charity'
~~~
>I must admit, all this danger makes me a bit nostalgic for the old days. I do miss the old adventures...

Spike gives a wry smirk

"Can't say I'd know too much about those."

>Of course, if I did have to change anything about those days, we'd naturally be including you more... And maybe sneaking off to have some fun alone every so often... discord's maz certainly would have presented opportunities.

"You really would have wanted to get it on in the middle of a maze where Discord would have been watching the whole thing?"

>That's half the fun, darling. You know, we are planning to make camp soon, aren't we?

"Yeah-"

'-llo? Hel-o?'

"Charity?"

>Charity?

Spike takes out his gun

'-ng -n! There! Spike? are you reading me?'

"Twilight! Loud and clear, how are you doing this?"

>Twilight, darling... What a surprise!

'I found the magical frequency Rarity communicates through charity with. Layers of encryption and ciphers, but should be able to keep contact and monitor your progress until you descend roughly a kilometer.'

"Awesome!"

'Rarity put a lot of stuff in here including vital monitors on you, this should let us know also if you've made contact with a foe, I think I can even adjust it for a sort of sonar scan to allow us to be your eyes behind your back.'

"rarity, isn't this great?"

>... Splendid.

'I gotta go take over paperwork duty. I'm gonna be tranferring radio duty to Applejack now.'

>celestia dammit...
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Twilight
"Cadence"
~~~~~

>So, I rate a...

"According to this, you've got a full perriwinkle rating! Wow Twilight, that's amazing! You're within spitting distance of Fluttershy's topaz rating!"

>Yay?

"Very yay!"

>Just out of curiosity, what do you rate?

"...No idea, my love magic skews it in weird ways. I'm pretty sure I'm a very amazing white amethyst, but it's entirely possible I'm just a pearlish roseate. I don't want to sound overly full of myself here... oh, don't look like that, I'm the princess of love! Of course my sparklejoule rating would be higher than yours, it's not a failing on your part or anything!"

>Can we please name it something else?

"I AM THE LEADING AUTHORITY ON LOVE AND SPARKLEJOULE IS HOW I RATE IT!"

>Fine fine! Eeeshhh... What's Shiny's rating?

*GASP!*"TWILIGHT!"

>Uh...

"I can't believe you! Asking me to rate my own husbands sparklejoule level! That's akin to asking me how good I am in bed! It's a social faux pas of the highest order! A wife checking her husbands level like that is essentially her saying "I don't think you really love me!" and I will not have it!"

>Alright alright! JEEZ!...can someone else check?

"The only one who could possibly check is Chrysalis."

>Ah. Off the table?

"..."

>Of the table... right...

"..."

>...if you had to guess-

"TWILIGHT!"

>Sorry, sorry!... This is why scientists don't get married.

"What was that!?"

>NOTHING!
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>SS
"Potatojack"
~~~~

>Heeeeey Potatojack.

PJ is sharpening her swords
"Mmghmf mfmghmf"

>soooo...uh...how are you?

"Mgngmf...mghehm mmf?"

>Oh yeah, the practice sessions with Tiara are going fine.

"Mmngh..."

>...so what's it like being a member of the gun club?

"Mmnghng? Mmmgnghng ngmf."

>Oh no no, I was never officially let into the club. In fact, Spike out right said no when Tiara asked, but he did say I can join when I get good.

"Mmmg...mmnghunga mngmnf."

>Ah...well Tiara likes to exaggerates about how good I am, so Spike would let me in sooner. He doesn't buy it though.

PJ finishes her potato with a gulp
"I'm sure you'll get better eventually."
She takes another mouthful of potato.

>...um well, you're...friends with Tiara right?

"Mmhung."

>And I'm friends with Tiara too...soooo want to...be friends and...maybe hang out?

"Mng moooe, Mng mongh mnghmng mgmngfm. Mnmngn mnmmgm. Mgmh mmgo, mmnghmng."
She takes out the potato.
"So really, you don't have to force yourself like this if you don't want to."
Continues eating her potato.

>...Uh no no. I-I want this...I...kinda need to expand my circle of friends anyway.

PJ smiles and shakes SS's hooves.
"Mmng nngo ngangking!"

>...Camping?

~~Somewhere in the woods around a firepit~~

>...well I guess this isn't so bad.

PJ takes out her potato and raises a cooked creature on a stick.
"Squirrel?"

>Ungh!
She runs off to throw up.

"Hm, well more for me then."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Chrysalis
“2”
~~~~~

*SLAM!

>OH FUUUuuddly duddly...

“Wrong room again?”

>...N-nooo... BEACUSE IT'S STORY TIIIIIME!

“YAAAAYYY!...OH! Can I ask fer a special story?”

>Not until you are older than me. He will kill me. I say this not as a an idle threat or unfounded fear, but as fact. It is below twenty outside the shield, Spike is a dragon, my booty is big and if I try to tell you my 'special' stories I will be put under the ground.

“...Huh?”

>...What kind of special story did you have in mind?

“Was Momsie ever a mommy?”

>Well, obviously I... know she was not. Not ever a mom. Nope. No way was she in any way a mother to ANYONE. Especially not meeeean... things...

“Aww...”

>...But she was an Aunt? Yeah, sure, that works. But to tell this story, we must go back, back, back! Before the pirate's foolishness! Before the Sword wizard's blade! Back to when Momsie was still finding her footing... and she had a tiny little bundle on her back. And that bundle was m-... Momsie's niece. This is the tale of Momsie, and the Stolen Minds!

“Momsie had a niece?”

>Yes! But Momsie was tired after getting her niece. So tired and weak.

“Why?”

>...Getting a niece took a lot out of her. But no worries! Because eventually she came across... the LAND.

“Tha' land?”

>The LAND. It was a wide, beautiful area, populated by ponies of every kind. And in the center of this land, there stood a small castle, still being built. For you see, this land was ruled by the wicked Gryphonclaw!...WAIT SH-...shoot...uh..

“...”

>...Tell you at the end. Anyways, Gryphonclaw ruled the land with an iron hoof-

“Hoof?”

>Oh, yeah. He wasn't a gryphon, sorry for the confusion. He was just a pegasus who was raised by a pair of gryphons.

“Aww, like Shiny and Caddy an' me!”

>...Hope not. That ended badly for them.

“Huh?”

>Momsie was tired, ragged, barely able to keep herself upright, but she still infiltrated the land all the same, and she discovered a horrifying secret!

“What!?”

>That most of the ponies in the land were under Gryphonclaw's mind control!

“GASP!”

>Gryphonclaw had gone mad during his rise to power, paranoid he would be betrayed at every step! But fortune had smiled upon him as he as he built his kingdom, he had stumbled upon something... amazing. Buried beneath the surface of this shining land, he found an orb, and named it The Orb of the Mind's Eye. He discovered that with just a bit of effort, he could make ponies think exactly what he wanted them to think, and they were helpless to stop it!

“Oh no!”

>Right? And no copyright lawyers had been invented yet... but Momsie wanted no part in this, she realized that if she stuck around, she would die. So she tried to make her escape. But then...

“THEN!?”

>A trap snapped upward! To keep any visitors from warning the outside world of his ploy, Gryphonclaw had placed snares to ensure none could escape his land and warn anyone! Momsie was too weak, and her niece too small. She had to let them capture her, and her entire hive.

“OH NO!”

>She was dragged before the mad kind, and he ordered her to submit to him. But Momsie would not, too proud to DARE submit to some lame knockoff! So he tried to cast his mind control magic upon her, to make her his willing slave!

“MOMSIE NO!”

>HAH! He might as well have been punching a tsunami! Momsie was too powerful with mind magics to ever be controlled like that! She barely even felt it, and laughed in his face! Furious, he pulled his secret lever, and Momsie fell down through a trap door! On the ground, her head spinning, she could just make out the smell of a swamp, and the rustling of movement all around her.

“What was it!?”

>A massive hydra, bigger than a dragon, rose up. Eight different heads all looking down on Momsie like she was to be his new dinner! SNAP! One bit forward, trying to eat her in one single bite! WHOOOSH! She took to the air, dodging mouth after gaping mouth at it sprang, chomped and crushed at the air to catch her. All the while, Momsie's niece was still on her back, still holding tight as she soared through the air... but then tragedy struck.

“WHAT HAPPENED!?”

>A loose rock rained from the top of the cavern she was locked in, and she had to dodge to prevent it from hitting the tiny thing on her back. Unwittingly, she flew right towards one of the hydra's heads just as it jutted forward. She missed the teeth... but his head still clipped her right in the side. Down... down... down she fell... and she hit the ground. But she fell alone.

“W-what?”

>The little cloth bundle had gotten caught on one of his fangs, and hung there as it started to grin. It's tongue snaked out, and...

“...And?”

>She... she said...

{You...}

>She said....

{YOU WILL NOT HURT MY DAUGHTER!}

“Crissy?”

>...She said 'Hah! Did you really think it was going to be that easy? And ZAP! A green bolt of light shot up and... er, mind controlled the hydra. Mind controlled it. And then she made it let her niece go, and the hydra was so sorry it laid down and said Momsie could go... in like fifty pieces...

“Huh?”

“How'd Momsie get outta this one!?”

>Because you see, child, Momsie wasn't alone!

“She wasn't!?”

>ssshhhhhoooOOOOOMMMMM!......BOOOOOOOOOM! A massive shape EXPLODED as it landed on the ground, SMUSHING... Er, KNOCKING OUT one of the hydra's flat!

“What!?”

>The dust settled, and a voice rang out through the area!... “How do you get yourself into these situations... SISTER!”

“HUH!?”

>That's right, C-...THUNTANIA had arrived on the scene! She had heard Momsie was still weak, and had rushed over to help her out. She just smirked that cocky smirk and gave Momsie some power to refuel a bit. Momsie just smirked right back and went “Just looking for an excuse for you to hit things, I guess.” She handed off her niece to one of the drones, told him that if so much as a SCUFF was found on her that his life would meet a quick end, and she joined Thuntania by her side. They gave each other a smirk, and together they charged in to fight!

“GO GET 'EM!”

>Momsie took on the entire army by herself, SHOOM SHOOM SHOOM SHOOM! Lasers flying everywhere, spears dodged without a care, setting fire to every piece of hair! Two hundred soldiers were a cakewalk to her! And behind them, Thuntaina went BOOM! CRACK! SHWABOOOM! Taking out all four still living hydras solo, without ever stopping once! THOOM! ZOOM! CRACKLEBOOOOOMM! IT WAS SHEER, EXPLOSIVE CARNAGE AHAHAHAHAH!

“WHOOOA!”

>Aha... And then... hoo.. and then it was just Gryphonclaw left. He said he wanted to go out like a king, and lifted his sword... and then Momsie shot him with... uhhh knockout blast. So that he could get arrested. Which is what Momsie wanted to happen. He was so mad when he was arrested it looked like his head was going to explode and spread out at least... fifty yards, I'd say? Around there.

“...Weirdly pacific.”

>Specific.

“Dang it!”

>But there was one thing left to do. Momsie determined that Changelings couldn't use the Orb, but it could be used against them! So Thuntania smashed it, ensuring nobody else would ever have to have their minds controlled!...By a pony. Momsie got her 'gratitude' from those she freed, Gryphonclaw got all the blame for the... stuff HE totally HE did, and Momsie was refueled and ready to keep traveling. She gave her thanks to Thuntania, put m-... her niece on her back, and into the sunset she rode. The end.

“YAAAYYYYY! Momsie was awesome! Wasn't nothin' touchin' her niece with her around!”

>You don't even know the half of it, shrimp... Oh! Uh, full disclaimer, if you should ever come across a book that describes some OTHER guy named Gryphonclaw, I want you to know they are unrelated. No matter how... weirdly similar the two end up being.

“Oh...*YAWWWNN*...

>Eeesh, you're about to collapse...

“Nu-uh... Ah'm nuh tired...”

>Uh huh. Stop fighting it already, gonna happen regardless.

“...okay... h-hey, Not-mom?”

>Hm?

“Did... did Momsie really... love her niece?”

>...With all her heart, Two. With all her heart.

“That's... that's ni...zzz...zzzzzzzzz”

>...With all.. her heart.

She blew out the light, made sure the door was locked, and exited out through the window.

Hopefully... Two wouldn't notice the tiny drops of water next to the bed.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Non-canon.

>Spike
“Rarity”
‘Blueblood’
~Rekulk~
________

The walk was silent, nothing but the heavy sounds of hooffalls bounced off the moist, crystallized cavern walls. They had been trekking for quite awhile now, ignoring the need to rest, cautious as ever, tense to every peripheral skitter and wary of every shadow passed.

But then the atmosphere swelled with dread, the scent of hostility parading through the air-

>We… we don’t have to worry ‘bout nothing. ‘Cause we got the fire, and we’re burning one hell of a something.

There was conviction in Rarity’s eyes when she nodded.

“They… they’re gonna see us from outer space, outer space. We light it up, like we’re the stars of the pony race, pony race.”

A throbbing tempo, almost electronic in nature, was beginning to pulsate all around them, lighting up every crack, every hole and every crevice with a neon blue light as Blueblood parted his lips….

‘When the liiiights started ouuut they don’t knooow what they heeeard. Strike the maaatch, play it louuuud, giving loooove to the worrrrld. We’ll be raaaising our hooves, shining uuup to the skyyy.'

>’Cause we got the fire, fire, fire-

The pulsing intensified, their march strengthened-

“Yeah, we got the fire, fire, fire-”

Everything died out into a sea of blackness.

Then lit up instantly as the entire cavern was blown apart with light, the arcane music reaching a crescendo, drums pounding with enough might to shake the ground.

>“‘And we gonna let it BURN BURN BURN BURN-”’

With revealing light came the visual birth of a slew of ravenous creatures ranging from oversized beetles to drooling, hairy bipedal monstrosities.

>“‘WE GONNA LET IT BURN BURN BURN BURN-”’

Purple hues of magic ripped the glisteningly sharp stalagmites from the cave ceiling to use them as crude spears; the sound of gunshots cracked against the throbbing music; and .338 Lapua Magnum shells ricocheted off the floor with every shot Blueblood took.

And through it all stood one very lost Morlock who didn’t know the words but tried his best to hum along as he joined the fight.

~Duh duh duuuh duh duuuh... duh... ~
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Chitania
"Pimp"
'Ho's'
~~~~

"What'chu mean, you ain't got mah money!?"

'Sorry big daddy Slick, but some bitch rolled up and took it!'

'She beat us and called us broodmares!'

'I dun even know whu onna dose are, an ah'm still insulted!'

"Oh hell no! Nobody beats mah bitches but me! Ain't dat right!?"

'Yes big daddy Slicky!'

"Where dis' bitch at!?"

'Ova dere, she's been standin behind ya' the whole time.'

"...AW HELL, NOT YOU AGAIN!"

>Hey, I just noticed today's take is a little light, are you advertising properly?

"W-well, ya know-"

>I don't feel like you're advertising properly.

"I-I mean I'm tryin' but-"

>But what?

"Well, it's the festival ya' know? Lotsa guys gettin' laid on their own terms, they don't need my girls!"

>That sounds like an excuse.

"It's not!"

>I'm hearing excuses.

"It's not I swear!"

>You know who doesn't have an excuse?

"W-w-w-w-hooo...."

>Me. I don't have an excuse for why I'm not beating the message into you... let's rectify that.

"NO WAIT-AAAAH! OH SWEET CELESTIA-"

*CRACK!*

"THE PAAAAAAIIIINNNN!"

>You don't want to advertise, this is what you get!

"I'M SORRY!"

*CRUNCH!*

"AHHHHH!"

>THIS IS WHAT YOU GET!

"NOOO-"

*SLAM!*

>...Does anyone else have any questions regarding our advertising?

'Nope.'

'Nu-uh.'

'No big scarey marey.'

>Good.

'...So are ya' gonna have sex with us now?'

>What!? No! Why does everyone keep asking that? I don't care how muscular I look, I'm a female! I can't get you broodmares pregnant! Sweet greenspit, how does nobody understand that? Ugh....

*Stomps of*

'...So anyone else feel like she's missin' the core concept?'

'little bit.'

'Don't curr, her bea'in up slicky is funny.'

"I-I taste my liver..."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________