Thread 80: Stories 61-75

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[Takes place between Chitania's appearance and Sunset's Final Stand.]

>Celestia
"SA"
'Chrysalis'
[Cadence]
~???~
~~~~~

Finding him had been simplicity itself.

Hard to miss, really, from whence the glowing beam of energy and power had come. Even still, she had hurried as fast as her wings could carry her, doing her best not to look upon the devastation down below. She could see no casualties in plain view, but that did not mean anything considering. She knew her previous captain would have protected them as best he could.

But sometimes... ones best simply wasn't enough.

Resolutely, she shoved the thought from her mind, and descended. She spotted them soon enough, as they did her as well.

She couldn't keep the gasp from her lips as she looked upon the haggard sight of the Queen in the Prince's arms.

'Well, nice to see you too.'

A look, that was all she shared with her former guard, merely a glance and she knew that there was nothing more to be done on the matter of the Queen in his forelegs.

Gently, with tenderness unmatched, he moved the changeling over to his wife, and approached the alabaster princess.

"PLEASE tell me you didn't bring that thing to my Empire!"

A curt shake of her head, all he needed to know.

"Good, now... tell me you brought an army."

Sadly, she shook her head, regret upon her face.

>That Queen out there... she called out to Chitania. She mocked her, drew her here. I did not know why when she took off, I merely followed her. I had no idea...

He placed a comforting touch upon her shoulder, a sign that he blamed nothing on her.

>I am so sorry... if I had known-

"Then you would not have been alone Celestia, I know. You don't need to apologize, none of us saw this coming. I'm just glad at least you're here."

She felt a touch of bitterness on her tongue when he said that, having no idea what he thought she could do. All the power of the sun, and she couldn't do anything at all.

Despite this, he seemed to have nothing but joy on his face to see her.

>I'm sorry I couldn't be here sooner. Perhaps if my power had been with yours when you three attacked-

"Are you ever going to stop blaming everything on yourself?"

Where, oh where, he had found the light in himself to playfully tap her nose, she would never know. Where he found that in these times, she could not fathom.

No matter how much she dearly wished to know.

'You have to tell her.'

A realization struck across his face, slapping the smile from them as if the Queen had struck a blow to his cheek. The frown that replaced it was one of pure sadness, of needing to be the one to deliver news somehow even worse than what she surveyed.

She had nothing but fear in her heart at that moment.

[Celestia... that changeling, she...]

"...Sunset's in there."

The air she took in was toxic, burning her lungs as if they were fire as her head snapped to the side, beholding the foul creature beyond.

>What... what do you mean? Do you mean like Pommel?

Sad, melancholy eyes locked with hers as he turned her back to him, never leaving as his head slowly shook from side to side, and a white hoof placed its tip just beneath her horn.

"In here. We think... she did this."

Her world collapsed around her as easily as the buildings before had.

How?

How could Sunset ever do something like this? It wasn't possible. She had ambition she could not control, but this? This was beyond her. This was beyond any of them.

She spun, needing to be supported by him as her mind swam. The shuddering breath that left her gaping mouth choked her, that poison burning her throat on the way out.

>N-no...

"We don't know how, or even if it's true, but...."

'Lets just say all signs point to her.'

Regret, true regret, one more returned to her.

>How could I have been so foolish...

A light tap to her head brought her back to reality, back to those eyes that had never once left her.

"Hey, I said worry about the blame-game later, we've got bigger things to worry about."

She squashed down her budding regret once more, sternly nodding as she never left his eyes.

"Good, now... again, you didn't promise her anything, did you? In exchange for help? I would rather backpedal before she does anything if that's the case."

She reeled back, honestly surprised.

>Well, no, of course not, but Shining-

"Good, just... don't promise her anything okay?"

His eyes had cut away, glaring at the back of her head, boring into them with a fierce gaze.

>Shining, she could be of great help-

"I'd rather not have her help, thanks."

[S-Shiny!]

Even his wife was concerned, and Celestia certainly did not blame her. She had never seen him this bitter, this spiteful. He was truly, honestly, more concerned with giving the Titan nothing than seeking out someone else to help in the battle with the one who was razing his city to the ground.

>Shining.

The hoof to his cheek was not technically a strike, more a 'forceful nudge', but it got the point across all the same.

>The concern is defeating the one turning your crystal palace into a crystal quarry, not the one who has the size and power to do some damage. She was goaded here with a memory, she is not here to destroy your kingdom.

"Last I checked, she wasn't there to destroy Canterlot either."

>Than if it comes to that, stop her. Until then, your concern is your citizens, not her.

He acquiesced, of course. He could never fight her when she got like this, not really. He would just accept it, and roll with it.

But he never stopped glaring.

~MAJESTY!~

All eyes turned to the buzzing, fluttering wings of a changeling as he sputtered up the side of the castle. For the first time, Celestia noticed he was wearing armor with an odd mark on it. How strange...

~Are you okay!?~

Her deadpanned look could have killed Variolus, if only she had found a way to turn incredulous into lasers.

~...Right, stupid question! Okay, so, I know you said that whole... uh, tear them apart thing, but they all already fell apart, so the Crystal Guard were wondering if we could start evacuating by carrying them... I know there's not enough of us, but he thinks if we do it one by one it'll work! So uh... orders?~

She had to take a long, deep, calming breath.

'Subject?'

~Yuh huh?~

'Get your tiny little buggy ASS DOWN THERE AND GET THEM OUT OF THERE BEFORE THEY GET CRUSHED!'

Even mostly dead, she could still scream with the best of them.

He flipped about like a fly that had been sprayed by poison, saluting before sputtering out a reply and tearing off at the speed of fear.

'...Minions, I swear.'

"To be fair, you could have told them to help evacuate to start."

'Image problem, Shiny, I needed to be the one tearing up the imposters.'

[...Seriously?]

'It's all in the handbook.'

>No way do you have a handbook.

'Details details... any chance you've got a plan? I think I'm fresh out for today.'

The weak rasp drew her concern, but she knew the Queen would not wish her to show weakness by doting on her.

>Only one, I'm afraid... Chitania was summoned here with the voice of the one who ruined her life. She swore revenge...

They all watched as she broke through the shield, and descended upon the ruins of the city as the icy wind blew in from the bitter cold.

A tenseness flew through Shining Armor's frame, and it was most certainly not caused by the sudden frost.

They watched, in awe, as the two Queens began to approach each other.

>...let her have it.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Snake Eyes
"Scientists"
'Security Guards'

>Alrighty, let's take a little stock of our situation, shall we? Who here is the foremost in their fields?

Many hooves in the small security office went up.

>How many of those fields are actually something that can help us survive?

Every hoof went down.

>Fantastic, I got catering guys.

"We're from the beverage department, thank you!"

>Right, of course, how silly of me. Now security boys, what have we got on offer for weap-

'Stun batons.'

>...aaaaand?

'...more stun batons.'

>Where's the lethality!?

'We oversee the Fuser pens, the bosses don't want them killed.'

>Fuser pens, eh? Hmm...

'Oh no.'

"The plotting hmm!"

'This is Bronco Bluffs all over again!"

>...the FUCK are you talking about?

"'Nothing.'"

>Alright, alright, bringing together my options here...okay! Labcoats!

"Yes?"

>No, labcoats, take 'em off.

"What!? Why!?"

>Because we're going to make ourselves a giant white flag to wave in the general direction of whoever comes for us. We've not done anything wrong, have we?

"Wellllll..."

>HOW!?

"Zap Apple Cola isn't exactly healthy and-"

>Nothing illegal.

"Oh yeah, no, I think we're all squeaky clean...aside from being involved in all this, obviously."

>Soooo, if we surrender, we can just hitch a ride, play stool pigeons, and get off Scot Free!

"...yeah!"

'I see no way how this can fail!'

"Let's snitch!"

"'SNITCH! SNITCH! SNITCH!'"

>There we go! Now, just a fact-check, who here has any idea who actually runs this place?

"I do!"

>Good, don't tell anyone.

"...but why?"

'Yeah, why?'

>Because, I'm going to.

"...I don't see how this affects anything."

>Because if only one of us knows, then they have to listen to their demands or they'll never know. If more than one of us knows, then they have options, they could just smack me over the head and intimidate you into telling them. Then where are we? At the tender mercies of a clean up crew.

"You mean Bucky in Maintenance?"

'I'd believe it, he's a dick.'

>Focus!

"But aren't we getting invaded by changelings?"

>Like...a tenth of them are changelings, yes.

"Can't they like, do mind stuff to us and slurp the info out?"

"This isn't Neighpon, Beaker."

"FUCK YOU!"

>Well then it's very simple. We'll just have to make sure the changelings are busy doing something else while we make a beeline to the non-changelings.

"What would distract the changelings?"

Snake Eyes pressed his hoof down on a button, grinning as warning klaxons began to wail even moreso than before.

>An army of crazies released in their general vicinity.

'...dude, why?!'

>Because to make on omelette you need to break a few eggs.

'...THAT DOESN'T APPLY HERE AT ALL!'

>Shut up and help me start sewing these labcoats together! And remember if we run into the fusers before we find someone willing to give us protection, you don't have to outrun them, you just have to outrun the guy next to you!

"...why are we listening to you?"

>I can literally kill everyone in this room.

"'GOOD REASON!'"

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

NC
Four seconds later...

>...Uh... Wow. I did not expect this.

"Little more than you thought?"

>Just a bit, yeah.

'HAH! Eat shit super bug!'

[You realize she could just come over here when she's done, right?]

'...don't care.'

>Hope she didn't need that jaw...

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 >Head Scientist
"Security"
~~

>They're getting closer...

That one, the 'pony of interest', was nearing the others. Soon, they would all meet up, connect, and finally join together.

Her benefactor had made it very, very clear. That pony could not, under any circumstances, fall into the enemies hooves. She had been subtly hinting, of course, that she needed to be 'dealt with', but she had not yet been able to bring herself to order the detonation of any of the areas she was in.

There was so much research there. Worse, they were specifically in the Medical Wing research area. Obvious, since she was doing medical work over there, but that meant that to make sure she was dealt with, she would have to detonate months of invaluable and costly research. She would have to render her most important fieldwork completely useless, and make all those volunteers and hire ons go through all that... for nothing.

"Ma'am, you need to give the order."

He had been subtly nudging her this whole time, well aware of what he thought he needed to do.

So, with that much pressure on her...

She pushed the button.

"...Miss? That, uh... that's not the detonation button."

>I know.

She leaned back, a grim frown crossing her face. This was her last shot to save everything...

>I just felt like experiment 6606 needed some running time, is all.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

NC
~~~

'BULLSHIT! I let out everything at that fucker and she survives, but Chitty just breaks her like a snickers!? WHAT BULLSHIT IS THIS!?'

"You do realize this is probably only possible because she drained the heart to near exhaustion trying to kill us, right?"

'BUUUUULLLLLLLLL!

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 >7
"SL"
'12'
~~~~~

>...Fuck.

Fifty.

He had torn apart FIFTY of them.

Fifty robots.

He counted and everything.

And he was not feeling all that well now.

"Pervert? Discount Pervert isn't looking so good."

'Told you not to-'

>How.

"...How what?"

>How, exactly, am I DISCOUNT pervert? No, explain that to me? First and foremost, let's examine this. I'm a better fighter than 12. I'm an infiltrator, which is a more respected class than a DRONE of all things, I'm higher on the hierarchy than he is as far as commands from Her Majesty, I've been sent on more missions, and I've got more victories in physical confrontations than he does. On what POSSIBLE scenario could I be a DISCOUNT of him!?

"Well, obviously-"

>Also, pervert. What is that? Why do you keep calling me that? I'm NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU. I don't find your... whatever sexy! I don't! Don't give a fuck! How, oh how, am I a pervert!? Have I hit on you? Ogled you? Made any sort of implication towards you? No? Then WHAT THE FUCK IS PERVERTED ABOUT ME!?

"...Well-"

>I DEMAND ANSWERS FOR THIS SHIT BEFORE I GET HOSPITALIZED AGAIN!

"Again?"

>It happens A LOT!

"Really? Never happens with Twelve."

>.......

'...holy shit, she said my name.'

>...I hate you so much.

"Love you too, Third Rate Eunuch."

>I HAVE A DICK!

"Talking about your junk and pointing to it like that? Eugh... how perverted."

>...

"..."

'...Please don't-'

THOOOM!

"...you're learning..."

'NOT THE HOOVES YOU BASTARD!'

>...T-totally worth the world spinning.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

~~~~~~

They had been running.

And running.

And running and running and running and running and running and-

"How fucking big is this place!?"

Perhaps, had he not been fighting security and robots and monsters every other turn while his two extractees stood off to the side, Seven would not feel so tired.

But feel tired he indeed did feel.

He was running low on power, quite low, far lower than would reasonably be expected to finish a mission. It was normally at this point that he would call the mission a wash and bug out before it got too bad.

But, then again, this wasn't technically his mission, after all, and somehow he felt like calling it quits before accomplishing a very important mission he wasn't even supposed to be participating in might finally be the last straw on the back of his many failures, and something was going to break.

That something would be his neck.

So, diligently, he fought on, fought bravely, protected those two from any sort of harm or even the slightest of damage... excepting her hair and hooves, but she fucking brought that one on herself. Still, that aside, they were perfectly protected.

And it was going to kill him at this rate.

"...wait a minute."

A scent wafted into his nostrils. A particular scent, one that brought back a certain recent memories.

The smell...

"BIRTHDAY CAKE!"

Of freedom!

"Come on! We just have to get around this bend and-"

And then the wall exploded.

That's not what he meant to say, but it is apparently what reality felt needed to happen.

"...Because of fucking course."

In this long, silver, seemingly endless hallway, he let the despair take hold. For how could he not? He was but a changeling.

A changeling who was now staring down a centipede easily as big as a train, covered from head to every single one of its tiny little toes in some kind of armor.

It was indeed a centipede, not a millipede, he had to stress. He could tell, since he was pretty sure that millepedes didn't have giant poisonous fangs.

...That were also crackling with electricity.

"Okay, what the fuck. What possible reason does this thing have to exist!? Why, oh dear Mother in the Hivemind why, would you make a giant centipede, cover what has to be already fucking strong as steel chitin in even more armor, and look to a pair of poisonous fangs and think to yourself 'you know what? That's just not dangerous enough, we need it to be fucking ELECTRIC too!' Who made this!? Who would ever freaking make this!?... why!?"

"Science, dime store bug monster, science."

"YOU SHUT UP!... Okay, why the hell would they use this!? This looks so dangerous! Why would they let it out of the freaking cage!? I know it was in a cage! There are still pieces of the cage hanging off it! LOOK! Cage pieces! So they obviously let it out! WHY!? Keeping Twelve here cannot possibly be worth all this trouble!"

He expected many responses from the mare of crazytown.

He doesn't know why he didn't expect her to laugh.

"Oh, she probably doesn't care about him, idiot."

Was turning your back on the giant monster smart?

No.

Was he gonna anyway?

Couldn't really do anything but at that.

"...I beg your fucking pardon?"

"Look, momma's boy? I'm going to have to reveal a trick to you right now. This? All this? Very, very likely not for Pervert, but because the pony who runs this place would muuuuuch rather I didn't get out of here."

"...So they weren't shooting at Twelve, they were-"

"Shooting at my big beautiful little hoofsies, yes."

He looked to her.
Then to the centipede.
Back to her.
Back to the centipede.
Once to twelve.
To the centipede again.
And finally he landed on her.

"...So I could have just-"

"Left me behind and probably gotten out of here with much, much less effort, yes."

His hoof came up and his mouth dropped down... but nothing came of either.

They both raised and lowered in symmetrical opposites, one after the other, before he settled on just staring at her for a long, long moment.

Finally, at last, he turned to Twelve.

"...She cannot possibly be worth all of this bullshit."

He gave a little shrug, and that was it.

"...You wouldn't have let me leave here without her, would you?"

A pause, as if deliberating his answer, and then a slow shake of the head.

"...Could've... could've just knocked you out... could've just mindzotzed you. I can, my mind magics are better than yours. Could've just zotzed her, made her run the other way, and gotten out of here in minutes. Would have just needed a break to read a scientists mind, that's all."

"Yep."

He looked down to his hooves. Looked up to the centipede that had been rather understanding considering the fact it was a giant monster, and then once more to his hooves.

"...I hate my job."

And thus, it appeared that while the centipede was more than willing to allow him to converse with his companions on the matters of their escape, it was not one for allowing of pity parties.

It screeched, and snapped forwards, electricity cackling all the way.

Thankfully, the only thing faster than a giant armored insect was a much smaller, winged, pony insect.

That was just science.

"...Huh."

For once, the mare of blue and crazy found herself speechless. In all her mind filled with science, info and wonder, she had no real precedent within it to being dangled by her midsection by a chitinous hoof wrapped around her stomach.

Strangely, immediately opposite her, Twelve seemed much more accustomed to this. He wasn't even bothered by the fact they were sticking to the side of the wall, nearly touching the massive ceiling up above.

"This mission will be accomplished."

"...You don't make any sense, Discount Pervert, I want you to know that.”

He ignored her as best he could as he dashed off the wall again, narrowly avoiding being snapped up by the pincer like fangs renting the steel below him like tin foil.

He transformed before he even hit the ground, shifting his body until the arms that held the two were now the burly strong ones of a diamond dog. With this, he could freely run on two legs alone while raced down the snake-like back, running along it just as he would any other hallway.

That's when the electricity started, and he realized that armor wasn't just for show.

"I-I-I-I-I F-F-F-F-FU-U-U-CK-I-I-I-NG H-HAAAA-AA-TE- J-J-JOOOOOOOO-"

How he had managed to keep running until he reached the end, even he wasn't sure. Perhaps hated was a yet untapped source of power for changelings, and he was the first to discover it.

Pity it didn't last after he fell face first on the steel ground, his form returning to normal in a wisp of flame.

"You alright?"

Had he the finger to show it, he would have spoke to him in the language of the minotaur, and flipped him off.

"R-run."

He groaned with pain as he shuffled to his hooves, a flick of his ankle bringing out one of his favored green blades.

Resolutely, or as resolutely as he could manage, he put himself between the coiling monster, and the two prey it sought to devour.

...Admittedly, they had a minute, since it was quite the effort to turn around for it.

"I said run!"

But, of course, they followed orders about as well as they had any other time today.

"What!? Seven, we're not going to leave you!"

"My mission is to get you to safety, Twelve. That's it. At no point in this mission was it said I had to make it out alive."

Admittedly, at no point was anything of any sort said regarding the mission he wasn't supposed to be on, but still.

"You can't be serious!"

"Look, if you get out, mission accomplished! That's all that matters!"

"That is really clearly not all that matters!"

"I can't fuck this one up too! LEAVE!"

"...Seriously?"

Well, that's one way to turn 'desperation' into 'deadpan'.

Not that Screwloose had ever been desperate, but she could deadpan!

"You're seriously about to get eaten by a giant centipede because you need to have a win on your scorecard?"

"It's not about that! Leave!"

"I think it is."

"Are you being serious right now!?"

"No, I'm rarely serious, but I think ponies are dumbasses a lot, so shifting to changelings isn't that big of a stretch."

"Look, I'm low on power, that thing can obviously move fast, and you all need to get out! That's what you wanted, right?"

"...Well, no, Pervert did, I wanted to-"

"I WILL FUCKING STAB YOU!"

"Picky picky."

"Look just... just run, okay?"

That knife sure felt heavy right now.

"Both of you."

"....awwwww! That's so adorable! He's really going to be all heroic and self sacrificey because he needs to look good, how cute."

"I want to stab you so bad right now."

"I don't think they'd like that."

"...They?"

"The real heroes, Seven."

"Wha-"

And then came the explosions.

The first one ripped up the entire ceiling from its bearings, curling it inwards like a noisemaker coming back. From the twisted wreckage, four shapes dropped down.

“Not too late to the party, are we?”

“Hrmph, figures he would manage to attract the biggest one yet.”

“Hey, let’s just be glad we got a chance to mess it up first!”

“Indeed… brother, it is good to see you in one piece by the way.”

“Yes, excellent work securing the target, Seven, we shall take it from here.”

He had very little time to acknowledge the warm fuzzies of someone, anyone, telling him ‘excellent work’, before another wall exploded inwards.

“Finally! I told you if we wrecked enough walls we’d find them!”

“And I told you that it was going to collapse this whole- Oh, hey! Twelve!”

“…”

“…Don’t say it.”

She didn’t.

But she thought it.

“Well, it seems we’re forced to share a bit.”

“Dang straight!”

By his math, that floor should have been it. They were officially out of entry point to explode.

“Ah’ hope ya’ll weren’t plannin’ on startin’ the- TWELVE!”

Applejack lost whatever bravado she had, shoved past Seven with frankly reckless abandon, and grabbed hold of the changeling in a tight, backbreaking hug.

“OH THANK THE GREAT APPLE IN THE SKY! YER’ IN ONE PIECE! OH THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOOOOUUUUU!”

“…Oh, uh… n-nice to see you too, Princess.”

She had no words.

Just hugs.

“Awww, darling, that’s adorable.”

Rarity was there too, though far less happy to see him.

“Finally! Let’s blow this place and get the buck out of here!”

“…Wait, it feels like we’re missing someone.”

“Well, she’ll have to catch up when-“

“GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY!”

The group, before now, had each thought of themselves as quite impressive, quite badass looking.

But their machismo shriveled just a bit when their chaos induced friend road down the hall on a chariot pulled by nightmarish creatures of all sorts.

“I SAID GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY!”

This time, they heeded the blue pegasi’s words.

And then, after double checking her math and counting, Applejack felt joy.

“FINALLY WE’RE ALL HERE! Okay, let’s find an exit, get out, get home, never speak of this again and-“

The screeching roar was apparently giant insect for “I say, madam! I must protest!”

“…Oh, right, giant monster thing.”

“A-TEAM DIBS!”

“You can’t call dibs!”

“Watch me!”

“DIAMOND TIARA!”

But while they began to argue, they never realized... they were being watched.

~~~~~~~

While the bickering commenced, and the arguments began to fly, sad eyes watched a video screen somewhere far away, within that complex, not too far from their position, in fact. Sad eyes that had been so hopeful a second ago that she would not have to do this. She had been unable to do it before... and now it was too late.

There was no time anymore. No way this would work now. No way. Even if she detonated it, several of them had shields, they could probably...

There was only one last chance to salvage this. There was only one chance to save her research without blowing this whole facility and all within it, herself included, sky high.

She cried as she pressed the button, but she did it all the same.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

“-AND SHOVE IT RIGHT UP YOUR- did you just hear a bunch of cages opening?”

“…”

The rumble started small.

Then it became louder.

And louder.

And louder.

…The stampede was coming.

“Wanna call dibs on them too?”

“…Sharing is caring, Applejack…”

Centipede to their back.

Nightmares coming in all around.

Low on ammo, love and firepower.

…and ready to kick some ass.

“BRING IT!”

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

NC
>Dash
"Pinkie"
'Twilight'
~~~~~~~

>GETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!

"...Okay, Twilight? You're brainy, why would you make a monster with a really, really long tongue?"

'Well, brains do tend to imprint on taste and smell better than sight, perhaps they're testing how to enhance visual portions of the brain by overstimulating one of the other senses, and replicating that with chemicals?'

"No, yeah, that makes sense."

>WHY ISN'T ANYONE GETTING THIS OFF OF ME!?

"But Dashie, the chart says it's a girl!"

>SO!?

"..."
'...'

>...Wait.... HELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELP-

"She did not take that the way I thought she would."

'Pinkie, i told you, those are just rumors.'

"Surrre they are."

>YOU ARE TERRIBLE FRIENDS!

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________


>Applejack
"Rarity"
'12'
~~~~~

>NOOOO!

THUMP!

>NOOO!

THUMP!

>NOOOO!

THUMP!

"Darling will you please stop dramatically diving in front of every fruit and help me!?"

>NO! AH' CAN'T LET HIM GET HURT! He's finally all in one piece! Ah' ain't gotta explain ta' Chrysalis he came back in bags, HE'S COMMIN' HOME ALTOGETHER!

'...I do not know what to do with these feelings. I'm utterly at a loss.'

>NOOO!

THUMP!

"Will someone kindly tell me why something that looks like a giant blasted PINE TREE is shooting FRUIT!?"

>It's jackfruit.

"What!?"

>Jackfruit. Ate it once cause they said it had a bit 'o apple in them, Ah' called bullshit.

"But why is a pine tree shooting it!?"

>Well, ain't the smartest in the bunch, but pine trees are green year round, right?

"So!?"

>So, wouldn't ya' want somethin' like that fer' makin' fruit? Jackfruit are bigger than apples most days. They're pretty dang big in general. They could probably feed a lotta' ponies.

"...Did you just say Apples weren't perfect?"

>Hey, Ah' can grow 'em bigger, just said most days. Remember that one Ah' had that was as big as me?

"Oh, right... EN GUARD YOU HORRID THING!"

SCREEECH!

>NOOOO!

THUMP!

"Applejack stop!"

>It don't even hurt none.

'...Heh.'

"What's so funny!?"

'Applejack is getting hit by jackfruit.'

"...Oh my goodness, that is kind of funny."

>NOOOO!

THUMP!

"...That's a little less so."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Non-Canon
>Pinkie
"Cardboard RD"
~~~~~
>Welcome to Late Night /pa/ with your host Pinkie Pie! It's during this time that content doesn't matter, and I deliver questionable punchlines! Now for our main guest...RAINBOW DASH!!!

Throws her voice to a cardboard cutout of Applejack.
"Ayy Pinkie."

>We're going to the Roxbury.

"Awww yeah. Let's go."

They get in the truck and drive.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gzTJA_KPo0I

>Hit it!
She pulls a string to make cardboard twilight, AJ, and RD bob.

>What is love! That's our show! Join us at the Roxbury!

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>Spike
"42"
'77'
[DT]
~AJ~
{Pinkie}
~~~~~~

>Round the bend, Forty Two!

BLAM!

"Stop looking over your six and go for your five, Seventy Seven!"

PUNCH!

'Poppet do try to pay attention to the clockwise!'

STAB!

[Does nobody pay attention up above anymore!? You're all exposed to that thing!]

BOOM!

~...Ya' ever wonder why we ain't all efficient like that?~

{We would be if you'd just agree to my drills!}

~Ah' said no.~

{No one to blame but yourself, AJ! Nobody to blame but yourself!}

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>7
"12"
~~~~

>...

"Feeling a bit inadequate?"

All around him, they were jumping, flying, shooting lasers, casting spells, firing weapons, punching, bucking, stabbing, breaking and slicing. They were a hurricane of unholy destruction, and he could barely even stand.

>...Little bit.

"Yeeeeahhh... welcome to my life."

'What're you talking about, pervert? Not a single one of them out there could give even an eighth the hoof massage that you can.'

>...huh. You know what? Thanks, Screwloose. Really.

'Not a problem. Now, pardon, I've always wanted to see what happens if I slit the neck of that five-headed thing over there.'

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~Ya'll think that maybe we consolidated our power too much?~

{Naaah, nobody else needs us right now.}

~~~~~~~

-OH GOD MY HOUSE! MY EVERYTHIIIIIING-

~~~~~~

~Yeah, guess yer' right.~

~~~~~~

>I KNEW THIS WAS SOME HOW APPLEJACKS FAULT!

"..."

>...WELL IT WAS, KINDA!

"...I mean, kinda, but only in a very vague sense. She's not responsible for Sunset."

>...

"...Wait... shit."

~~~~~~

>Can we just all agree that we all fucked up.

"HEY! I didn't do anything!"

>Sorry, Chrysalis, it turns out you shouldn't have let Twilight handle talking to her about that, and instead should have confronted and dealt with Sunset yourself in your typical rage typing.

"B-BUT! BUT I! BUT YOU SAID! EVERYONE WANTED ME TO START.... FUCKING SERIOUSLY!?"

>You have nobody to blame but yourself. Shame on you for letting others handle your business.

"....GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

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 >Red
"Brahmos"
'Cordyceps'

'Spread.'

"Hey the weird corruption thing's gone."

>Annoying.

"No, no that wasn't the annoying thing about this guy. Ya wanna know what the annoying thing is about this guy?"

'Spreaaad.'

>Hugging?

"The fucking hugging. Do we even need him!? He's creeping me out."

'Spread.'

"Hug me one more time and I'm opening fire.exe."

'Hsssss!'

"Much better."

>Copy. Paste.

"...why did you make TWO of him!?"

' 'Spreaaaaad!' '

"Oh god, double hug!"

>Copy. Select.

"Well that's a bit better...what're you going to do with the copy?"

>Test.

"Of what?"

With an implied malicious snarl, the mass of tentacles and red mist dangles the cordyceps infected pony, a vast and eldritch energy encircling both.

"Whoa...that's new. Are you doing magic? That's...pretty cool now that I think of it."

As the brightness of the red-tinted magic grew, a single beam of yellowed light enveloped the cordyceps copy. With the most vile tones it could muster, the being of pure evil muttered its command.

>Print.

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>Pommel
"Haymaker"
'Lucky'

>This is a mistake.

"Sir, you said yourself we'd be leaving Canterlot undefended."

>Doesn't make me feel like less of a coward.

'Captain I don't think facing down a monster in a cage it could break out of is cowardly.'

>Look at this from the outside, though. Here we are cozying up behind our sandbags while everyone else is giving their all to defend the Empire or save a changeling. We look like jokes.

"It's been like two days."

>Still doesn't sit right with m-

Whirrrrrrr...

>The hell?

The three ponies look over the sandbags at Twilight's computer set up. More specifically the printer, which was spitting out papers at an alarming rate.

>SHIT! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! EVERYONE TO THEIR WEAPON EMPLACEMENTS NOW!

The guards rushed to their positions, weapons pointed at the eldritch hardware...as it continued to spit out papers.

"...soo..."

'...uhh...'

>Is...is that all its doing?

"Wait-look!"

Slowly the papers on the floor were forming themselves together, merging in some form of horrible occult origami to slowly create the shape of...

>A pony?

The paper pony regarded the guards without eyes, its horrible body adopting a combat stance.

"...I don't get it."

>Am I missing some context here or-

Helpfully the pony grabbed a pen from a nearby table and scribbled a word on its chest.

>Spread?

"'SPREAD!?'"

>Hm-oh-ohhh...SHIT!

The monstrous abomination suddenly pounced forward, clearing the sandbags with a trajectory towards Pommel.

Fwap.

And bounced right off.

Pommel blinked.

>Wait, what?

The Copyceps pony wrote 'Scree' on itself before throwing a hoof.

Fwap.

Which barely moved the skin on Pommel's cheek.

"Well."

'That's pathetic.'

>So anyone got a match or...?

"Nah, watch."

Haymaker threw a glass of water on the Copyceps, reducing it to a squishy wet pulp.

>Well really, what did we expect?

Whirrrrrr...

The printer roared to life again.

The guards readied for a war of attrition.

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