shero gourmet

i've been thinking a lot about what you wrote about gourmet shirou hanging out more with kirei & gil and going to more events with others that are like him and finally finding his sense of normalcy again. he's finding peace and creativity in cooking and feeling better about himself! it's all important and good, but it's also distancing him from humanity. which, in a lot of ways, is good for shirou. he's not a human, and pretending that he is one only hurts him. so he's finally breaking off from that self-destructive way of thinking, but it's also allowing a more carnal instinct to take over. there's absolutely no question that humans are food now. there's no questioning that shirou inwardly desires the thrill of a hunt.

shinji is the portrait of a broken person, in a lot of ways. though he is aggressively trying to stand on his own two feet and not waste time feeling sorry for himself, the weight of his anxiety is so crushing almost all of the time. he could see the spark fading in shirou's eyes. he was worried about it, but he didn't know how to bring it up. to see shirou return home after being gone two or three days, smiling and sometimes intoxicated on either rich wine or rich food and company, is a complicated feeling. shinji is glad that shirou can get what he needs from these people, but he's afraid that shirou might become someone that shinji can't recognize. shinji thinks that maybe part of the problem is that he became someone shirou had difficulty recognizing, too.

shinji's level of dependency upon returning from the hospital has been a consistent problem, in the sense that it's been a source of guilt for the both of them and therefore a messy entanglement of raw emotions. shinji never imagined himself as the type of person who would need so much help and because that concept alone caused him so much grief it made him difficult to look after. shirou, who only ever wanted to help was made to feel like a scolded dog when emotions ran too high and shinji was too scared to be touched. watching shinji stubbornly hurt himself until he couldn't take it anymore and having to handle him thrashing and yelling and sucking in panicked breaths was painful for shirou, but he made a promise when he brought shinji home from the hospital that he would keep him safe. he had to keep that promise. still, asking for help has never been a talent of shinji's. even now, with shirou being gone, shinji learns every day there is something that he can't actually get done without some type of help. it's painful, really. it's usually something small, like pulling back his hair when it's hot and sticking to his face, but it still stings. he orders take out a lot when shirou is gone, mostly bc he doesn't have to go outside and worry about carrying things/opening doors. being able to charge an exact amount to a credit card online and easily pop open a box top takes the work and worry out of feeding himself. there is a point when it becomes obvious to shinji that he's a shut-in, but by then he feels too far gone to be helped.

thinking about shirou stumbling in after a particularly long bender. think about a very long gourmet party in like, a coachella format. shirou is inundated in amazing food and wine. he smells of raw meat, shinji thinks as he watches shirou walk toward him. there's a lightness in his step that he hasn't seen since their first year in college. this is shirou happy. he's not worrying. shinji can feel his heart rate kick up the more he watches shirou. there's a delicate exuberance to his mannerisms, which tell him right away that he's been with gil and kirei. shirou talks on and on about how he's sorry he was gone so long, and that he hadn't realized. he looks over shinji with a fond gentleness that he can see just beyond that complacent glaze before shirou leans in and sniffs at the crook of shinji's neck, suddenly accusing him of not eating healthy.

well, that's true. if left to his own devices shinji ate like garbage. considering he wouldn't eat meat or even fish anymore, without shirou to cook for him, he wouldn't ever get protein. with his stomach being so weak these days, shinji couldn't even truly say he cared about his nutrition. there was always going to be a chance he was going to be sick from anything he ate. being that shinji is very important to shirou, finding that he's not caring for himself properly is upsetting. in two quick moves shirou tangles a hand into shinji's hair and pulls, exposing his neck so shirou can firmly nip him. everything is drowned out by a panicked cry breaking through shinji's throat and shirou's ability to hear shinji's heart hammering in his chest. sobering a little, he offers an apologetic kiss to the mark he's left before letting him go.

he wants to ask shinji to try to take better care of himself, but he knows it's something that shinji just can't do.

it's not his fault.
he's just a human.

he can't help himself.

i think it would be interesting if that if by the time he's done eating shinji's arm (which is sure to cause some Emotions), because of a prolonged exposure to high-society gourmets (kinda cult-ish/coven-y vibes!) shirou is more lax about letting his instinct guide him and inhibitions fall to the wayside. humans are not only food, but they're inferior creatures. they can't help it. it enhances the predator/prey simulation that he and shinji seem to be perpetually trapped in, and creates more of an owner and pet dynamic out of their romantic relationship.

for shirou to begin to fuss over shinji in a way that lacks guilt, because he's the top of the food chain. he can be affectionate because he acknowledges completely that shinji's intended use is for food, but he has made the choice to keep him instead. also for shinji to stop struggling, and let shirou love him in whatever way he can is crucial. it would be interesting to see shirou be mindfucked and then go on to do the same thing to shinji and for them to find their peace in everything wrong. maybe cu comes back into town and takes notice, hopefully before shirou convinces shinji to let him eat a little more of him. :')