Established sir, this is an essay about why you should kick me, or else your buttocks (especially your left buttock) will suffer a thousand years of misfortune. The essay begins thusly:

In this essay I will establish that if you, honorable daddy, do not kick me, you will be destroyed and I will cast one (1) hex uppon your buttocks, so that over the course of the next thousand years, you will find that great misfortune is attracted to them, especially to the left buttocks, as I believe that the left cheek is the most worthy of my punishment. I demand to be kicked, as it is my most honorable desire to be kicked from your games, that I may rank upon those that have been kicked from your game, respectable authority.

If you do not kick me, the misfortunes that may befall your buttocks will be numerous, including but not limited to: beestings, crab kisses, hemorrhoids, diaper rash, nocturnal cramping, apple juice spills, violent sexual punching (assuming consent is given), an old man accidentally collapsing onto you and grabbing your left buttock, mcdonalds hot coffee searing your left buttock down to the bone, a wasp, parasites, chlamydia, heroin addiction, and more. Misfortune is a broad category that encompasses many things, and if you do not kick me, I will have to cast a spell on you that encourages ALL these things (and more) to come your way, especially to your left buttock's way, dignified master. Please, do us all a favor and kick me from your game. I deserve it, you deserve it, but most importantly, the citizens of epic mafia deserve it. Your buttocks do not deserve the grave punishment that I will inflict upon them with my considerable magickal intellect.

Thus concludes the essay, voluptuous father, and I hope that I have convinced you (and your left buttock) to kick me from your game.