Andrew’s Lil Life Story

by the time that i was 6 years old i had watched my first youtube video and my first disney channel show. that was needless to say far far far too young. i had always thought that i was weird and it didnt help that other kids had always told me the same thing. i wanted to be normal. i wanted to be funny. i wanted to have friends that were like me. i realized at a young age that i “had” to become a different person to have friends who like me and are like me. the internet, tv and friends who were also affected by same all showed who i should be to be happy. and while i tried to be all these other people like youtubers, disney show and video game characters i began to hate myself. i thought that i was ugly for my uneven teeth and my hair and my face and my smarts and my own personality were all so terrible that i had to be someone whos not me. every year or so i would repeat the toxic cycle and find a new obsession. one year it was technology. the next it was fashion. the next it was academics but in a show off kind of way.  the next two it was pokemon and other nintendo games. and once i got to middle school it flipped and i became obsessive about super edgy humour. and then it became being feminine. and at this time was the first time that i used a social media app and the first time i gave a real name and personification to who i wanted to be. it turned into altering and making up stories which was a life plague throughout middle school. and once i got to eighth grade i came out and felt a little bit better about myself but even more toxic friendships continued to plague my life. one of the worst temporary personalities was an impostor of russell peters. if you dont know him hes a comedian who does a lot of racial ethnic and especially accent related comedy. i stumbled across him one time and thought that he was just the funniest person ever and i had to be just like him in every way. toxic friendships made everything worse. i became the most stereotypical gay man in every way even if i didnt even identify with some of the stereotypes. and then finally once i get to high school, for once in my life, i looked in the mirror and see someone who is SICKENING and is SICKENING by their own merit. im not a puppet of someone else anymore. i finally love myself because i love myself FOR BEING MYSELF. i finally have friends who like me for who i am and dont try to make me be anyone else BUT me by relentlessly forcing stereotypes on me or supporting toxic idols. i love myself for being me and not for intentionally being anyone else. thankfully every toxic friend ive had before is gone. i might still like other people for their personality but i dont like myself for being like them anymore. life controlling obsessions are an evil rabbit hole. its not healthy to be someone else’s puppet or a soldier in their army or their twins from a different mother. im developing in my own life towards being a person who i want to be and i want other people younger and more naïve than me to be but a) that person doesn’t already exist or at least knowingly to me and b) i accept myself for myself and think of myself as an attractive, talented and funny person without being arrogant about it. as i said earlier im trying to take a new little step towards that person every day despite it being a 50 mile journey. and while i have been a victim of other people i will not deny that other people have been victims of me and my ideas of who i aspire to be. in my past ive been a terrible person, racist, homophobic, transphobic and more. if ive hurt anyone especially someone who is asian, or gay, or trans or muslim or any other characteristic that ive attacked before im very sorry for my horrible actions and saying that is not a passive effort in any way. i’ve tried my very hardest to talk to people from as many backgrounds as possible not so that my past actions can be excused but so that i can learn why they cannot be excused. i love all yall and yall means all, and i hope that you can understand better why bringing up my past in a negative way whether seemingly harmful or not is a bit of a sore spot emotionally. ive grown so much in this last year and i still have a long way to go.