dev 8 - admitting is the first step

With the brief look given around, he can't help but ponder if she had something on her mind to the roaming. Though.. as of late? It almost seems as if things have gotten a bit far too quiet. But to digress..

"I'm not entirely sure if it's even worthwhile to roam, other than for reagents."

"I visited Moonfall as Midnight Animal a few times, and all of them just.. stand next to each other. They don't even think of heading out."

"It was already blind luck in the past. Now it's even less of a chance." A pause, and he adds. "Although, we still could go if you want?"
(Nerin)

It's different now. More movement, lighter feelings. Some could say that she was attempting to work off the 'water weight'. Others, might simply believe that she just returned to her old 'energetic' self. Regardless though, the woman would have led her husband by the hand across the realm...Easing carefully. "I'm not particularly surprised. I'm not necessarily roaming for the lot of them, honestly." She says, waving a hand.

"Reagants, preparations, excursions. The world seems a little more peaceful...outside of the Sophie situation." She says, leaning down to collect the cup of fairy powder... "I think I might need to rest a little though...Sparring. Fighting. Getting 'back' into the rhythm's a little difficult, you know?"
(Marísol)

Obviously, he imagines it might take a few months for Marisol to get back into the old energetic self entirely- yet, he knows that considering that it's over by now, they could actually focus on other things, and they could actually work on other things that they had planned.. in particular, the things in relation to ensuring they can ensnare Melora.

If only she would come out of hiding already..

"Mm. Figured."

"Yet.. I can't help but feel like I want more action. It's, ah.. sort of alarming me when they seem to hole up like this after their victories. Makes me think that they're preparing something - but at the same time, I feel like I should be the one preparing myself too."

"In particular.. do you feel like maybe I'm.. too focused on revenge?" Something that he considered before. "I feel like.. I'm a bit empty, now that I'm nearing the end of my vengeance."

"Sure, eventually I'll put down both Melora and Cameo, but.. I feel like I've grown far too focused on such matters."

"Do you think so too?"
(Nerin)

"Honestly..? There's nothing wrong with wanting more action. Usually, when knights end up being rather bored- they end up having all this pent up energy that can't be helped." she says while beginning to smile slightly. "I imagine that creating mock skirmishes of some sort could do the trick. Of course, it won't end in danger but...It'd definitely keep some people satisfied. Besides...It teaches better 'guerilla' tactics." She adds while moving slightly, leaning against his body. All she knows is that Melora simply..

Will not come out of hiding.

After all, who can blame her- especially when she has such large targets pointed in her direction? Nevertheless...She finds herself beginning to shrug her shoulders. "...I've been telling you something similar for awhile now,you know." She adds while bringing her hands through his hair. "Vengeance...It can take over your life. When you focus on only revenge, you forget what you wanted to do...You forget to even live." She adds, shrugging.

"I do think that you wanted it really bad when you were younger, so much so, that you'd ignore my begging for you to...Slow down. To calm down. To wait a little and be patient. But, now things are a bit different." A murmurs, her smile widening.

"Maybe you being a father has something to do with it.." In the end, she does nod though. "I think now, it's best to focus on self improvement moreso than anything else. Or perhaps, a bigger project."
(Marísol)

"Mock skirmishes are basically spars. It's not something I'm really looking forward to - and at most, even if you puff it up to be something great.. that would be tournament at most, but again.."

"That's just spars with extra steps."

It's not something that he was really interested in. If anything.. it's something that would bore him out of his mind, and there are other worries on his mind. Perhaps, the fact that he feels all too empty now that his vengeance is coming to an end..

With Yuri dead..
Melora in hiding..
And Cameo cornered.

It feels as if there's very little for him to do outside of revenge- that he focused himself so much on the matters that would force him to be someone entirely locked in this vengeance, and yet.. he knows that he would not necessarily forgive them - nor he would forget.

There should be some other activities for him, right?

"I.. think that's why I wanted it." Why he wanted a family..

"To have something to live for.." It feels quite shameful to admit.. as if he 'used' Marisol for this end, but.. it's the truth. "..I'm sorry if I had to burden you with this. I realize you didn't want it, and that you did it just for me, but.."

"I'm thankful nonetheless."

Yet, now that they're on this topic.. what exactly he could be doing?

"I'm not entirely sure."

"In truth, I feel as if.. I want to get over this feeling. Each time I think I separated myself from my desire for vengeance, each time I think I'm above it.. I just remember their faces - and I remember all that I already lost."

"And I'm enraged all over again."
"I can barely think straight. I just want to rip them apart.."

It is a sinful confession. One that belonged to someone usually calm and calculated, and yet.. bearing such overwhelming hatred for particular people.

"What can I even do with myself?"
(Nerin)

"You're not really wrong. I actually think that I'm starting to get tired of the spars myself. I think that...The biggest issue is perhaps, the feel that there's not something for the entire city to look towards. If there were a goal that we could all work towards...Something higher, something bigger. Perhaps, even something to defend all of ourselves against a worldly threat, then things would be different. But, look at how strong we've become? All else are pushed away...All else are cornered. Weak. Hiding." She murmurs while wrapping her arms around his being. She can do nothing more than laugh..

"Nerin…" She says softly. "There's no reason to apologize...The truth is that I wanted the children too. I wanted you-...It would've happened eventually regardless.." Especially with how unsafe they had been, but what would you expect? Addiction. Ecstasy. Is it not the worst drug amongst the continent? "I suppose I was just nervous...Afraid that I might not be a good enough mother. Afraid of the pain that came with it..." And while it hurt, it wasn't something that would kill her. Because the truth of the matter is that when she had their child, she saw something beautiful. Something that marked their union...Something that brought the two of them together...

"...There's nothing wrong with the way you feel. That anger, that rage, the want to get even..." She murmurs while moving behind his being, carefully running her hands along his back- gently kneading to massage his body. "We all have those feelings...And they only become worse when we don't have something to air them out on." She murmurs while standing up slightly, pressing her lips on his neck affectionately.

"You need a creative outlet, Nerin. Something to work towards...Something to put that anger in."
(Marísol)

It is difficult to not focus on such matters. Despite the comfort and solace that she offers to him, he felt as if there's little for him to pursue.. as if the only goal in his life has become getting even for all the times he's gotten hurt, but he realized that by being focused too much on this revenge, he buried part of himself too.

For Zus..
For Jasper..
For Actaeon.

For each time that he enacted his vengeance, there was a piece of him disappearing in the midst of bloody sea; there was a part of him that was cut off with the way that he acted. He believed that going down this road, eventually, he would burn himself out so much that he would not have anything else left in his life..

For while he may want to kill Cameo and Melora..
What will he do if they fall?

The answer is - nothing. He's forgotten his dreams, his aspirations and hopes, wholly consumed by hatred and rage that was welling up deep inside of him- at some point, the Midnight Animal that roamed around Esshar was his 'creative outlet', and as much as he wishes that he wouldn't see himself falling like this, he believes he already might have..

It is a terrible thing, to fall..
But it's far more terrible to admit it.

At the very least.. admitting it can be the first step to getting back on track. "I'm just.. not sure what exactly I can do with it." And while she displays her affection to him, while she talks of the union between them being signified in such way.. he seems lost in thoughts.

For once, he seems.. blank.

"I suppose I'm just thinking it over."

"Though.. I'm not entirely sure what I want to do personally.. or what I want to perform with."
(Nerin)

He was a little too young to be having a mid-life crisis. It's rather quaint to some degree though- that he'd find his errors within living. That he'd find that he had forgotten everything that he had promised himself as a child. Especially when he was supposed to be the successful business man of a company. Especially when he was supposed to have an iron grip on the districts...But this anger and this rage and this hate pushed all of that side. It must make him sick to his stomach to not even recognize those past dreams.

"Then that means that you have to explore yourself again, Nerin. You have to find the child that had so many dreams...So many aspirations again and you have to rely on that person that you left behind for vengeance and anger." Could he see now? How unhealthy it was? How he was wasting away without realizing it?

"I think you are overthinking it a little...You're not fifty or sixty or seventy with these thoughts. You're in your early twenties and you've got plenty, plenty of time." She says, resting her features against his back..

"If you need help...I think it's best if you return back to the basics. The thing you were working on before. The business connections- and perhaps, an ultimate creation that pushes you above the rest with your bone magic and physicality."
(Marísol)

How long has it been? He remembers being naught but a child, ever since the first time that he's been sent on that mission.. ever since the first time when he's nearly lost Zus had happened, and he already had to hold his bloodied brother in his arms. It happened almost ten years ago.. and no matter how much he tries to forget, he never could.

It's at that point that he began to slowly forget himself. It's difficult to call it a mid-life crisis, per se.. but rather failure to remember what he was doing in the first place - a loss of these dreams and purpose beyond the vengeance that he asserted. Yet, no matter what he kept on his mind..

He also knew that he cannot allow himself to fall to this despair.

"I suppose so.."

"There were.. many different things I remember I wanted to do, but.. at the same time, it feels like I just forgot all of them." Where she holds her features against his back.. he idly reaches out to hold her gently with an arm reaching backward.

"It doesn't help that every few years I wanted to return to these goals, someone significant to me died, and.. I just was distracted in this anger."

"Far too much."

Far too much that he wanted himself to; but to these words, a steady nod follows. He remembers the words he's spoken to Remei, the words that they agreed upon.. but there must be something else in his life too, shouldn't there be?

"..Think I'll start by carefully exploring what it is exactly I want."
(Nerin)