[3:10 PM] Hugo: Hello Jason. I understand you have some kind of problem with me?
[3:15 PM] Verite: In a manner. It's more, a matter of many things left unsaid, many feelings left festering because of a lack of communication, admittedly from both parties. I've tried my best to repress what are deemed negative influences in my life, since I've been facing many issues with people and things for over half a year now, but I've ah, had a relapse evidently.
[3:18 PM] Hugo: I've noticed. I spoke to Jeremi about it, because I've been away for a while and he advised me to talk to you directly. So I'll play to my strengths and ask you directly- What is it about me personally, you detest and have been letting fester?
[3:19 PM] Hugo: My feelings won't be hurt and I encourage you to be as open or callous as you like. I won't be offended and told Jeremi as much. Mostly, I was disappointed.
[3:33 PM] Verite: I imagine. It's high time this beating around the bush ended, especially after what happened in the hash-out server not only left things on an unsatisfactory note, but intensified even, given what was said in there. Personally, I've felt that I'm more reacting to what has been said and done to me, regardless of whether or not any wrongdoing was intentional.

Most notably, it feels like you think very little of me and my problems, and by extension, that of Atom and Josh, who I would say have been victimized even more than I, but alas, they're better people than I, who deserve better than what has happened to them. I've had this impression for a very long time, I can't even remember how long, and certain instances have not refuted these feelings, most notably back when I had my nigh-panic attack when I was hosting Civil War, originating from a lack of communication from other parties, and what you said to Atom and myself very much came off as undermining what I was feeling and going through, that we were petty and childish for feeling these emotions over things I have invested my time, effort, and being into.

The other noteworthy event where it felt like you were undermining what the three of us were going is when the Hash-out itself happened, and in response to us being angry and feeling betrayed in light of what was said in there, which were very deplorable things in my eyes, your attempt to be neutral only resulted in an insinuation that you just plain cared little for our plight with you saying that everyone's behavior was basically just "being human," and not admitting that the things that were said and done upon us were genuinely shitty and deplorable.
[3:36 PM] Verite: Maybe it's a personal thing innate to who I am, but I simply cannot tolerate it when I feel like I am being undermined. You've made me feel this way and these feelings have festered for quite a while. It also feels like a disservice unfortunately when all you have to say about it is that your doors are open, because sometimes, the best option is not to wait for something to happen, but rather, to make it happen.

I admit, I'm guilty of simply sitting in my corner and waiting for something to happen, for someone to come up to me and talk, but with it feeling like you're more mature and world-wise than others, it feels like more should have been expected from the supposed moral higher ground.(edited)
[3:41 PM] Hugo: I appreciate your frankness and I hope you will accept my frankness as well. You're much mistaken if you believe I ever thought your personal problems of feelings of inadequacy, self-loathing and sorrow over how isolated you feel never mattered to me. The reason I acted as I did, when giving advice to you is because I've also been in that same spot. I've felt them, so has Atomyk and we've spoken on our own shared problems before. When I give any sort of advice, it always stems from two things- Personal experience and actual desire to help, because it doesn't really feel good, when someone says something and you know for a fact that they've never felt the same, does it?

Of course not. You'd resent it- I know I certainly did, when in that same spot. So let me clarify exactly, on when I felt as you did and what happened because nobody else was around to share with me what I did. I was in college at the time and failing. My clinical depression had been surging and I had no idea what it was. I starved myself, I couldn't shower and skipped classes. The only good thing I had going for me, was an RP I was GM'ing at the time. Problems arose, I was accused of being a rail-roading bastard, focused only on what I wanted and not what the others did. You can imagine how I felt then- How the only thing I had going for me, suddenly turned on me. And you've felt the same way too. You work hard on stuff, and people seem ungrateful. They seem like they couldn't care less, they nitpick and you resent it. For me?
[3:41 PM] Hugo: I had a heart attack.
[3:41 PM] Hugo: My heart just...Stopped for a bit, right there in mid-explosion.
[3:42 PM] Hugo: And later on, when the dust cleared and I was calmer, I thought about what happened and talked to my friends. I then came to several conclusions. One- That imaginary adventures, fun as they were was not worth killing myself over. In focusing solely on that? I ended up neglecting myself, immensely so. My own health took a lower place and I paid for it. Second?
[3:43 PM] Hugo: I learned that if I expected me and my friends to get along 24/7? Then I was in for severe disappointments, repeatedly for the rest of my life. And in holding them to higher standards, then by that logic I would have to do the same for myself.
[3:44 PM] Hugo: When I realized that, really got it then? My reaction was to laugh and apologize. Which is where my advice at that point came when you were troubled. I didn't want you to have my heart attack moment. I didn't want you to stress over it, to the point you broke down.
[3:45 PM] Hugo: I never did. Fun as the RP could be or might be, its not worth sacrificing you.  And the first step for me to realize it then, in that position was to recall it was just a game in the end. What I really loved, was the people with it who cared about me too.
[3:46 PM] Hugo: Does that answer your second problem with me and where I was coming from?
[3:48 PM] Hugo: Well, I have to go to work now. I almost missed the time, so heading off but will return to speak more on this if you're fine with that. Don't think I can talk wholly today, but tomorrow I should be back. I've been gone mostly because I've been dealing with a homeless situation. Its why I say 'my door is always open.' Makes it easier to keep in contact when I get back, before going back to work.
[4:20 PM] Verite: That must all be very hard to go through, your college experiences and such, I'm sure, but I'm sorry, I do not feel like your personal experiences are very relevant to the things you said to me. In my eyes, it does not change that, even with the intent not there, it very much came off like you intended to undermine myself and Atom. But maybe it's just a problem with people in general; people just seem to say things without thinking of the implications that others can interpret from it, and the ramifications that can follow. You may be proud of yourself with your other accomplishments in life, whatever they may be, but pathetic as it may sound, this is genuinely all I have to show for in life. I literally have nothing else under my belt to call my own. I am inept without the prospect of writing because it is all I'm good at. That's why I'm so tight about finishing these RPs; because more than just silly writing prompts, they are a project I undertake, and as a GM, a testament to my punctuality, my flexability, my audience skills, and so on. I'm not going to be seen as incompetent in the one thing I'm usually good at, especially when many others find themselves unable to do this arduous task.
[4:21 PM] Verite: But beyond all that, those aren't the only incidents, or else they'd just be isolated happenings. I don't want to make a habit out of bringing so many other people into these problems, but undeniably this is a result of what has happened within the old Illuminaki group. That said, I trust that Mark has spoken to you about why things happened when he was banned from Iwaku back in December? The matter of blatant, unapologetic sexual harassment upon myself and a myriad of other people, most of which were fellow underage members as well, that is. Because in the aftermath of his ban, which resulted in a number of other people approaching or being approached by Mark himself to talk about what happened, I had discovered from some sources that you came to be aware that not only did Mark do these things as he genuinely admitted, but also that I was involved in the ordeal, and not only that he also admitted he harassed me deliberately out of malicious intent, you also neglected to talk to me about it then (unless you did for say, his other victims?) of it, and this feeling that you cared little for my position, assuming you knew to begin with, was reinforced by how it seems like you and everyone else seem to continue being friends with Mark and choosing not to talk to him about the things he did, and simply leaving me to deal with literally being sexually harassed with malicious intent behind it.
[4:21 PM] Verite: To bounce off that, a general lack of communication I feel has been one of the biggest problems between us all over the past year, considering I'd say it is very much a major reason the split in the group happened in the first place. That said, this is demonstrated aptly in my eyes when I had caught wind that someone (whom I hypothesized to be you) had called Atom mentally unhealthy behind his back, and considering it was indeed said behind his back, rather than talking to the man himself about it, it did come off more undermining and malicious than any genuine concern, like a piece of paranoid gossip. More than that, this feeling still didn't go away when the events of the hash-out server happened, in which I remember when I was brought into the conversation, I was asked to relay people saying unflattering things about Atom, and you had continuously asked if you were involved in that in any way, which definitely came off as some kind of suspicious as well, not even to mention your claim to be impartial yet defending Ronan consisted of most of what you said in there, which was a big disservice to both Atom and Josh's grievances, especially with you seeming to undermine Josh's anger at Ronan by saying that he did not demonstrate the qualities of the specific things Josh had called Ronan (like a homophobe, for example), and in the process not even acknowledging the (I'm not very sorry to say, unfortuantely) shitty things Ronan had done, leading back to my grievance about how undermining it felt when your words amounted to "We're all human, no one's in the wrong," and in turn, all of this ultimately culminating in, once again, a feeling that you have thought little of me and others for a very long time.
[4:22 PM] Verite: I'll be frank with you; I'm not a good person. I'm ill-tempered and troubled. I react spitefully to even the slightest hint of feeling undermined or otherwise made to feel like a joke, like I'm worth less than others, but more than that, I react even more poorly towards those I perceive to be shitty towards my friends, people better than I, such as Atom and Josh. And at the end of the day, I think that is the root of my problems, not just with you, but also with the Old Guard; my friends were not treated fairly. And not once have I ever heard an apology, as if to imply there is nothing to apologize over. I don't care if people are shitty to me and only me. I'm my own person, and I'll deal with my own problems, but it becomes something else when I feel like my friends, whom I care more for than many people I know in real life, are being treated unfairly for no reason other than the simple fact that people simply dislike confrontation and would rather look away from the problem rather than confront it.

That said, I'll leave you to your work then, not that I have much choice as I've taken quite a while to write this up. I'll be here then, as always.(edited)
March 28, 2017
[8:53 AM] Hugo: that I was involved in the ordeal, and not only that he also admitted he harassed me deliberately out of malicious intent, you also neglected to talk to me about it then (unless you did for say, his other victims?) of it, and this feeling that you cared little for my position, assuming you knew to begin with, was reinforced by how it seems like you and everyone else seem to continue being friends with Mark and choosing not to talk to him about the things he did, and simply leaving me to deal with literally being sexually harassed with malicious intent behind it.< Fair enough. To that? When I found out about all this, the first thing I did was move off to talk to Jorick and Mark and make sure it was true, which he tearily confessed. I then proceeded to rip into him for shaming himself and harming others. That he sexually harassed you is genuine news to me right now, but that is something between you and Mark. As I would not hold you responsible for the actions of say....Aki in his heyday, I would have hoped you'd extend the same courtesy. Apparently not, but not really a surprise to be honest. I didn't know the names of any of his victims and told him flatly that if he ever wanted to keep being friends, to make restitution and never do it again.

As to the second part, I've never said a word about anyone behind their back. All my talks concerning mental health or the sort of problems thereof, I've always addressed the person directly. Ask Atomyk if that's true, as to what I did when I found out he was like me if you can't take me at my word. Its clear that you don't know me nor do you care if you ever did but when it comes to that kind of thing, what makes you think that someone like me- Who knows what it like, and who has some measure of how it feels, would talk so caviler about it all or gossip to anyone else over such intensely, private issues? Now with the hash out server and that question.... Jason.
[8:53 AM] Hugo: I knew all along about that thing you posted in the rant thread. I read it a long time ago, then never mentioned or brought it up again. When it came up in convo, I was curious what you'd say, if you'd justify it or try to downplay it. Much as you did here when I first asked you about the problem with me. Moreover, I believe I was incredibly impartial and even after, I was second guessing myself. Its why I had opened it to others besides us to watch the proceedings and its how I became more close to Yang, because he was helpful in analyzing my actions as someone with not a single stake in whatsoever. Homophobe? There was literally nothing to support that statement and Atomyk himself admitted that Ronan had been entirely respectful over the course of the confession. This cookie cutter confession to make things fit disturbs me deeply.

I know you're not a good person. You'll forgive me for being frank, but what you are is a spiteful, isolated boy. Forged by alienation and a desire for positive attention, cracking under the strains of your life right now. As you say, you have nothing else. You're not close to your family, the MG and their lore has demanded your attention for ages and fear rules your life more often then not.

That's never mattered to me in the slightest. Why else do you think I make efforts to be kind as I can, to say my door is open to everyone? Why even after knowing about that rant, to stick around? Why I defended both you and others to my friends and associates alike, who talked to me? Its because I know I'm not a good person either. The only difference is that I actively try to be better, because the opposite shames not only me but others like me who strive to be better. And if you were really intent in your purpose and wanted to confront? Then let me ask you.
[8:53 AM] Hugo: Why didn't you talk to me? Why didn't you suck it up and message me? Instead, you let it fester and then bandied about words behind my back with malicious intent and inspired others to take up the same. You acted in a way atypical of your character, but in doing so tarnished yourself further. And had I wanted to respond in kind, I could have done so easily. I have heard no apology, no sorrow in your posts that indicate you were sad about the whole thing. Rather, it stinks to me more of the person sorry he is caught. And that disappoints me more than any amount of hurtful words. I had literally no idea there was a problem, till my return thereof yesterday when I wanted to see what I missed while RL kept me busy. Once I did, I spoke to others immediately to get their counsel before confronting you, because it was obvious you certainly weren't going to.

I had apologized to Jeremi. When I asked him for his opinion, he explained how he felt and I felt ashamed I didn't know, despite my current circumstances and made amends to him. I'm glad I did. I told him I had always valued his integrity and the fact he never lets it blacken. He's a good man that way. Us? Shrugs

I've been fighting my own dark nature for a while. I've made bad choices in life, that revealed what kind of person I could be if I ever sank to that level. Its a constant struggle to find my own worth and keep it up. But its a choice I make nevertheless, because the opposite is something that's not even an issue at this point. So then. Now here  we are. What do you plan to do?