notkickass222urmom

wai-wai pt 3

May 15th, 2014
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  1. >Part 7: Secrets of Equestria
  2. Lore? Lore.
  3.  
  4. >John had a meeting with the princess. He didn't know what she want.
  5. Probably some hot monkey dick, this being a shitty HiE story.
  6.  
  7. >"Yea I want to know what happened with my kind." said John.
  8. "Besides the nuclear catastrophe that I most likely caused."
  9.  
  10. >"Ok come with me!" answered Cilestia.
  11. Judging from the dialogue, it's almost like Andre has never watched the show.
  12.  
  13. >"Memories, stories, which told us about the past of Equestira and other famous ponies on the world." explained Cilestia John.
  14. >"But there is nothing about my kind." said John disappointed.
  15. Did you really expect the stained glass windows in the Royal Castle of Equestria to have humans in them?
  16.  
  17. >"Once upon a time after my sister Luna turned to evil she came back to Equestria and tried to put Equestira in darkness but Twilight and her friends end that with the "Elements of Harmony." explained Cilestia.
  18. Must be really fucking fun for Luna to hear this story again. Is the fic going to go through everything that has happened up until now? Is this the exposition chapter?
  19.  
  20. >Applejack – honesty
  21. Andre must have copied this list from somewhere, because this is the first time in the fic that he has written AJ's name correctly.
  22.  
  23.  
  24.  
  25.  
  26. >"Yea if all 6 unite there is a great force which no pony could stop this, only the chosen ones can use and control that force." said Cilestia.
  27. "That's interesting and all, but not really relevant to my question. Could you just tell me what happened to my world?"
  28.  
  29. >"Well, do you see my Cutie Mark? I rise the sun every morning and my sister do the same with the moon." she explained.
  30. But the fic makes is seem like this is Luna's line. Did they change roles?
  31.  
  32. >"WHAT WAIT YOU BOTH DO WHAT?" asked John with a pale face.
  33. "SORRY ABOUT THESE RANDOM FITS OF SHOUTING, THE AUTHOR OF THIS FIC IS A HORRIBLE WRITER, AND WE ALL ARE OVERCOME BY A TERRIBLE NEED TO SHOUT FROM TIME TO TIME!"
  34.  
  35. >"JESUS, speaking ponies, flying ponies, ponies which use magic and then ... THIS." said John to himself. They could break all the laws of physics ... that was .... crazy.
  36. But John, according to you, Pinkie broke the law [sic] of physic by jumping a few chapters ago. You aren't really the most trustworthy source on this.
  37.  
  38. >"Yea ... but what about my ... question."
  39. >"Goodbye John." said Cilestia and moved with the other ponies away.
  40. So Princess Clearasil didn't actually answer his question, and this scene made no sense. Fucking great writing.
  41.  
  42.  
  43.  
  44. >I know they hide something. They hide ... the truth .... they KNOW what HAPPENDED.
  45. You have no reason to assume that John. You blew up America, got blown into a bubble and woke up in the Funky Forest. Going from "Princess Cilest Pill didn't answer my question" to "IT'S ALL A BIG CONSPIRACY" is pretty far fetched. You're right, but it doesn't make sense for you to reach that conclusion. We know about it because it's poorly written, and John knows it because the author is a retard.
  46.  
  47. >"OK listen, it will be not easy so listen. I heard that there is a secret book about Equestria. Twilight haven't got access to this book. So my question is: Can you give me it. I asked the princess what happened with me and my kind but they won´t answer my question." explained John to Spike.
  48. Woah woah woah! Slow down Andre. This secret book hasn't been mentioned anywhere in the fic so far. It's like you forgot how to continue writing and just made something incredibly stupid up there and then. How the fuck does John know about this? How does he know Twilight doesn't know about it? And even if it exists, why do you expect that Spike will be able to get it for you? This fic has made little sense until now, but this is horrible, even for Andre's standards.
  49.  
  50. >"Hm yea but that will be not very easy but for you ... I can see what I can do ok." said Spike.
  51. All the characters exist only to serve John. They have no other purpose in this story.
  52.  
  53.  
  54.  
  55. >"Yes they have to do some stuff but Rainbow Dash asked about you. She is on a training ground to train some new moves." said Spike.
  56. Ah, yes, back to our main quest, the search for cyan marevag.
  57.  
  58. >"No problem dude." said Spike.
  59. Flawless dialogue yet again. It's just like in the show.
  60.  
  61. >After entering the training ground John saw Rainbow Dash. She was trying some cool moves. After she noticed John she flew down right to him and landed.
  62. I wonder if Andre will ever try to show us things instead of telling us about things.
  63.  
  64. >"Oh ... ehm hey John nice to see you. I am so glad you coming." said Dash.
  65. He probably wants to come inside.
  66.  
  67. "Hey do you want to train with me, because you ... you look like you are in good shapes." she meant.
  68. I get the feeling John is mostly a square guy. Maybe some rectangles and a few triangles.
  69.  
  70. >"WOW Dash nice moves man." said John and he leaned on a wall pocked his hands on his trouser.
  71. Yeah man, gnarly moves, radical flow. John is so cool it's no wonder he'll be drowning in pussy before long.
  72.  
  73. >"Ok Dash it was very nice with you today. But now I have to go, to do some stuff you know? explained John and though about Spike and the book.
  74. Yes, the secret book that Spike could just go to the library and pick up. At least you said goodbye to Dash with one of your usual, smooth and sensual lines.
  75.  
  76.  
  77.  
  78. >"Maybe we could do something together like going on a party or something else because it was nice with you today." she said.
  79. >Ok, was that a invitation to a party or a meeting or ... a ... date?
  80. Remainder that it is only now, after 6 chapters of horribly written and painfully blatant advances from RD that John is starting to suspect something. I like to think that Andre considers this subtle. RD has been attracted to John since before he even woke up from his nuclear coma. The only explanation I have is that RD must have a bestiality fetish.
  81.  
  82. >Nah, a date with a pony seriously John come on what are you thinking about? That's bullshit a pony date a human pfff. Though John and walked back to the castle.
  83. And that's it for chapter 7. Painful, but not as painful as the last. The romance is however peaking in at new levels of cringyness (which is a word now) for every chapter. So, are you ready for the big date? I for one can't wait for the sex scenes.
  84.  
  85.  
  86.  
  87.  
  88. >Part 8: Love is in the air
  89. Dashfags of the world, unite! Stand strong together to survive this assault on your favourite pone! I am but a Rarifag, but you have my support.
  90.  
  91. >John was exited. It was his first date ever.
  92. I don't think anyone's surprised by that.
  93.  
  94. >The first date ... with a pony.
  95. Don't act like you wouldn't touch multicoloured tail.
  96.  
  97. >After having a batch because the ponies don't now showers, John dress his suit again. He didn't know where they want to go so better he comes in better clothing.
  98. Sometimes Andre gets his English right, and writes a sentence or two that's mostly correct. Then shit like this happens.
  99.  
  100. >"Hey John I am so glad that you could come to date me." said Dash.
  101. Continuing the theme with subtlety I see. I can't wait for more brilliantly written romance from my favourite Kraut.
  102.  
  103. >Dash wear a wonderful dress which enhanced her trained female body and of course it enhanced her female details too.
  104. Which female details are you talking about? Remember, she's 16. I don't like where this is going.
  105.  
  106.  
  107.  
  108. >"Ehm no I just ... want to ... talk?" she smiled and blushed again.
  109. >"Talk? You and ... talk? ... Ok." John was wandered after hearing Dash saying ... TALK!
  110. "Talk? Baby I expecting some... sweet music to be made tonight. You know, playing some smooth tunes on my meat flute. Music that will make you moan as it reaches your... second pair of lips. We'll be a band, I'll do the flutes and the rhythm and you'll provide some sweet, tender vocals. Don't make me do a solo, but show me your jazzhole. This is not the time for talk, but for nature's own symphony in flesh."
  111. I got carried away.
  112.  
  113. >"John tell me something about you? How was your childhood, how was your life before you entered Equestira." asked Rainbow Dash.
  114. Oh yes, it's what I've always wanted! A summary of John's life! God, I can't wait to learn more about this great and interesting character.
  115.  
  116. >"Ok now I lived in New York City and worked there as an IT Manager in a small company. I lived alone in a small flat. My flat was not very big but I had an TV, radio, bathroom and a kitchen.
  117. Doesn't sound that tiny, but ok. Andre probably still lives at home, so he has no experience with this kind of thing.
  118.  
  119. >On my free time I love it to go outside with my friends. I don't have much maybe 2 but they were the best.
  120. And now they're dead. Killed by a chip you made. You killed everyone who loved you and cared for you.
  121.  
  122.  
  123.  
  124. >My childhood wasn't really exited. My childhood was more ... sad and lonely. I told you that my father worked for the U.S Air Force so he was hardly at home. My mother was a successful business woman. Money wasn't a problem for us but money can´t replace friends. On school I had good grades but the other often angry me or did some other stupid stuff with me."
  125. So he was the awkward, lonely, bullied kid? Assuming John is a self insert, which I bet he is, this explains a lot.
  126.  
  127. >Rainbow Dash starts talking about her childhood and about how she got her Cutie Mark. They are talking to each other for an hour.
  128. Yeah, let's not talk about RD that much. She's not an interesting character, at least not compared to John, whom we all know and love.
  129.  
  130. >"And then I told my boss... boss I am only here to bye some medicals." said John.
  131. THAT SURE WAS A GREAT FUCKING JOKE ANDRE! WANT TO KNOW WHAT ELSE IS A JOKE? THIS ENTIRE FIC. IT'S A CRUEL, HORRIBLE JOKE.
  132.  
  133. >After talking about a lot of memory's, earlier life and so one Dash moved closer and closer to John. They watched to the clear sky and the mountains and look to the sunset.
  134. Cringeworthy romance inbound. I'm also starting to think back, and reflect a bit over the fic. I can't remember a singe thing that has happened that hasn't been a cliché. Not one fucking thing.
  135.  
  136.  
  137.  
  138. >She was trying to move closer to John. John accepted her near. She blinked with her eyes.
  139. Pic related.
  140. Don't make eye contact.
  141.  
  142. >His heart starts beats very fast and he starts getting a ... unusual feeling.
  143. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the story of John's first erection.
  144.  
  145. >They were kissing to each other. Both closed their eyes. They enjoyed that.
  146. It's all over. My hope and dreams, gone. Johnbow Price Crash has officially happened.
  147.  
  148. >Rainbow Dash starts tickling John. He starts screaming for a moment.
  149. I can't imagine being ticked with hooves being anything but unpleasant. John's actions support my observation.
  150.  
  151. >He was trying to do that on Dash but it didn't work on her. She wasn't ticklish. After a few kiss they look back to the sunset.
  152. This is like romance written by a child. I don't even think Andre is 19.
  153.  
  154. >They went back home to their rooms. John said good night to Dash. He was very tired.
  155. That was it? Nothing fucking happened. They haven't even said talked to each other after kissing, except for saying "Man, this sure was a nice evening."
  156.  
  157. >"Good night John and call me ... DASHI." said the Pegasus pony.
  158. >"OK I have to go now good night ... DASHI." said John.
  159. Don't. Please don't. Stop shouting. This is painful. Besides, isn't Dashi a kind of soup?
  160.  
  161. >"Don't go, nopony said you have to go maybe you´d like to come ... inside?" she blushed and turn her head a bit.
  162. NO NO NO, ABORT ABORT. Is she asking him if... if he would like to come inside? Inside Dashi?
  163.  
  164.  
  165.  
  166. >They sat together on her bed and cuddled together. Then Rainbow Dash try to turn the next step but John blocked immediately.
  167. Is this a vagblock, or a reverse cockblock? What's going on? I though John was all about that 16 year old horse ass. And I was so close. Though, if he gets his dick wet by chapter 14 my guess will still be correct.
  168.  
  169. >"WAIT DASHI... it was nice with you .... I like you but .... that's to soon. We ... have time ... and you see I am a human ... you are a pony .... that doesn't work." said John.
  170. It does. If it has a vagina, it's not that hard to figure out how to have sex with it. I thought you Krauts were Europe's finest at weird porn?
  171.  
  172. >"But .... I thought you ... I know you have to be loyal I understand." said Rainbow Dash and on her eyes appeared a tear.
  173. Who the fuck is he loyal to? To the girlfirend he never had? To the race that he likely exterminated? He's just grossed out by animal vag, like the enormous pussy he is.
  174.  
  175. >"Dashi ... I like you really ... and you so awesome and pretty ... but you know ... do you think this relationship will work?" asked John. He knew Dash was hurt but he didn't know what he have to do.
  176. You're being an ass. And not in a good way. Ponies is the only thing you have to choose from, unless you want to get freaky with some dragons.
  177.  
  178.  
  179.  
  180. >John gave her a kiss and left the room. Dash had still tears in her eyes.
  181. Fuck off. Let's for a moment pretend I care for RD in this fic. John is firstly refusing to do the hanky panky with RD, and then questions if their relationship will last, or if it should even exists. Then he kisses her. That's just a punch in the fucking gut. But, knowing this fic, John will still have no shortage in mares. Fuck this.
  182.  
  183. >"Man John what have you done? She loves you and you love ... like her .. no I ... CRAP my first kiss with ... a pony. THATS CRAZY. Ok calm down think about it what you really want." said John to himself and lied on his bed.
  184. It was also John's first kiss. I don't think anyone's surprised. The prose is, as always, brilliant.
  185.  
  186. >Then it knock on his door.
  187. where was you when knock on door
  188.  
  189.  
  190.  
  191. >Part 9: The second nightmare
  192. Want to know what else in nightmarish? This entire fic.
  193.  
  194. >It knocked on Johns door. It was Spike the little dragon. So late? Ah wait I ordered him to show for some information about my kind and how I did get here. I hope he didn't see me with Dashi.
  195. Ah yes, we're back. John has just refused to have sex with our favourite multicoloured speedster, and he has sent Spike on a quest to go to the library and pick up a book. That's secret. That not even Twilight knows about. That wasn't mentioned anywhere in the fic until John commandeered Spike to get it. Fucking great.
  196.  
  197. >"Hey dude you asked me about a book. Now I found something but..." aborted Spike.
  198. I know about other things that should have been aborted.
  199.  
  200. >"There is a chapter with the earlier life on earth and about a earlier life form but somepony torn out the information." said Spike with a sad face because he couldn't help John.
  201. You haven't even properly talked to Spike yet. He, like all the other characters, just love you and do everything you ask of them because Andre is a shitty writer.
  202.  
  203.  
  204.  
  205.  
  206. >"Good night dude." said the dragon and left Johns room.
  207. >"ZZZZZZZZ, ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ" John slept.
  208. There is nothing that happens between these lines. Spike leaves, and John instantly falls asleep. He even skipped telling us how Spike got the book. Unless what happens is about John, Andre just skips writing it.
  209.  
  210. >"John, John, JOHN MY SONN WAKE UP!" said a unknown voice.
  211. "GOD? Is that you? I always knew I was the Messiahs!"
  212.  
  213. >"DAD? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? HOW DID YOU GET HERE? THERE ARE MORE HUMANS HERE IN EQUESTRIA?" asked John and run to his father.
  214. I know that this is a dream and all, but I'd actually appreciate it if Andre included some more humans in the fic. But only because I'm getting so tired of John.
  215.  
  216. >"DONT TUCH ME YOU FOOL!" said the big man with an angry voice.
  217. Getting real fucking excited here Andre. What are you going to do, reveal that it was all a nightmare?
  218.  
  219. >"You are not longer my son, see what you have done. My whole life I fought for my country to save it for terrorists and other criminals but what are you doing ... yes you destroyed us. The whole mankind." said his father with a strict undercurrent.
  220. FUCKING FINALLY. It took 9 chapters, but finally someone addresses the fact that John likely exterminated all of humanity. Maybe, just maybe John will finally realise it himself, and have an interesting reaction? Some character development? That's never ever going to happen.
  221.  
  222.  
  223.  
  224. >"Wait you are not my father you ... you are a demon you are ... what are you?" asked John with a afraid voice.
  225. "You're pointing out my mistakes! You can't be my real Dad!"
  226.  
  227. >"YOUR DESTINY!" screamed the voice very loud and on the next moment the windows hit out and the glasses started to break out of the frames of the windows.
  228. "BOOOOOO, I AM THE GHOST OF GENOCIDE PAST!"
  229.  
  230. >John jerked together and on the next moment his father disappeared then he woke up. He was bathed in sweat.
  231. For the first time in 9 chapters, Andre has also managed to write any variation of the word "bath" correctly.
  232.  
  233. >Wait that wasn't a dream. His windows were really broken. He had no idea what happened.
  234. 3spoopy5me
  235.  
  236. >"Good morning John have you seen Rainbow Dash?" asked Twilight.
  237. "She's probably still in her room after I rejected her and behaved like an idiot."
  238.  
  239. >"No she isn't and she isn't outside too." said the purple pony hysterical.
  240. Quick! She's only the fastest flyer in Equestria, she couldn't have gotten far!
  241.  
  242. >OH MY GOD what I have done to her.
  243. You refused to satisfy her bestiality fetish.
  244.  
  245. >Maybe I hurt her last night? Or the nightmare? Maybe there is a connection? Nah that's bullshit. But where did she go then?
  246. Why would there be any connection between your ghost-dad being rightfully disappointed at you and your sorta-gf disappearing? Was the dream that was not a dream a kind of 3deep5me allegory for John murdering RD? I kind of hope it was.
  247.  
  248.  
  249.  
  250. >"We ... we date each other." said John and blushed.
  251. >"Oh really ... wasn't it good?" asked John.
  252. Is... is John talking to himself? Has the guilt from the murder finally driven him insane? Is he going to be tormented with endless visions of his father, and the race he killed really representing the loved one he so brutally murdered one Canterot night?
  253.  
  254. >"Yea ok I understand." but that's no reason to elope. That don't pass to her. I think something happened." said Spike.
  255. Normally Spike, it takes two to elope. RD ran off without John, remember?
  256.  
  257. >"You sure. God what I have done." John put his hands together in front of his head.
  258. Possibly committed murder, but the only thing we can be sure that you've done is refuse RD access to your meat thermometer.
  259.  
  260. >"You want to know something about your past, how you got here, what happened to you kind, I know a place where you could get your answers about that." said Spike to console John.
  261. Sure Spike, let's forget about your friend Rainbow Dash. Let's focus on John some more. And his incredibly interesting quest to figure out what we readers mostly figured out in chapter 1.
  262.  
  263. >"Yea I know but maybe ... he knows where she is." said Spike with a smile.
  264. >"You sure who is ... HE?" asked John.
  265. Is... is this worldbuilding? Is Andre attempting something new? Colour me surprised.
  266.  
  267.  
  268.  
  269. >"I don't know but everypony call that place "The place where the ghosts speaks." declared Spike John.
  270. So John was haunted by his father's ghost in his dream, and then his gf disappeared. And now he wants to contact another ghost to find out what the first ghost was talking about? It's ghosts all the way down.
  271.  
  272. >"I call the girls that we are trying to search outside of Canterlot." said Spike to John.
  273. >They leaved Canterlot.
  274. So RDm is John's gf and the Element of Harmony, one of the most important characters in the show is missing. And John and Spike goes off to wherever to find some all-knowing ghost, mainly to find out about John's shitty backstory? Sounds great. 10/10 writing.
  275.  
  276. So, that was chapter 9. My spirits are still high (relatively speaking), and I'll be attacking chapter 10 in a short while.
  277. In the meantime, who's getting hype for Andre's first attempt at worldbuilding and original elements in the fic? I know I am.
  278.  
  279.  
  280.  
  281. >Part 10: The truth
  282. Time for it all to be revealed. The masquerade is over, the birds of truth soar freely on unburdened wings. It is time for the dramatic reveal that Equestria was Earth all along.
  283.  
  284. >John and Spike left Canterlot. They arrived to the forbidden place of Equestria.
  285. "Frodo and Sam left the Shire. They arrived in the forbidden land of Mordor."
  286. Sure is exciting when you write it like this Andre.
  287.  
  288. >There were some figures about old cultures. Nothing special.
  289. It's neither interesting nor important, because it isn't about John. John is the centre of the universe and the object to which all others are attracted. John is love, John is life.
  290.  
  291. >They moved in the small cave. There were some old bookshelves and in the middle of the room was a box which looks like a ... computer? Suddenly something strange happened.
  292. We doing shitty sci-fi now?
  293.  
  294. Also, can anyone explain what this image is? It's in the fic, illustrating the artificial intelligence I'll get to in a bit.
  295.  
  296.  
  297.  
  298. >"Hello and welcome to VOX-System. How can I help you sir?" asked a man.
  299. Yup. If you like science fiction in any way, this will likely be painful. Or more painful than it already is.
  300.  
  301. >"I am the 4th generation of holographic artificially intelligent system. How can I help you sir." said the system again.
  302. Because artificial intelligence has worked out so well in this fic, hasn't it? Besides, this seems like it's from after John's disappearance, which means he didn't completely destroy the world.
  303.  
  304. >"Photons right?" John said.
  305. >"Or rather what remained of it!" said the ghost.
  306. Top tier treknobabble right here.
  307.  
  308. >"No I haven't got longer access on my databank but what I know is that ponies rule the world now. A very clever species. said the Ghost.
  309. >"Yea ok but what happened to the mankind?" John asked him again. The ghosts looked at him.
  310. How dense do you get? Here it is, clearly a old human relic, hidden away in a cave. Proof of human life here, once upon a time. Is John really so fucking dense that he still hasn't understood that Equestria is Earth?
  311.  
  312. >"Do you know how it is to remember about everything? I can remember a 10 years old girl who asked me about rabbits for 16.000 years ago." said the system and looked to Spike again.
  313. Didn't you say that that you didn't have access to your databank?
  314.  
  315.  
  316.  
  317. >"See they have no knowledge about the past no idea what happened ... the lucky." the system said.
  318. Didn't you also say that you have no idea what happened?
  319.  
  320. >"I have nightmares about my past. I ... I seen a dark pony who follow me on my dreams and try to..." John got abort.
  321. >"I know." the ghost said.
  322. You know a awful lot for someone who can't even remember the destruction of mankind.
  323.  
  324. >"Now for a few hundred years a Pegasus pony come every day to me and told me everything about his life and their kind. We spent years together, just talking, he had the same nightmares about his past. The conversation is incomplete but I remember he killed themselves." said the system.
  325. Well, that's dark. Needlessly so too. You know about John's dreams, which he haven't told anyone about, because of a pegasus who killed himself a while ago?
  326.  
  327. >"You have spoken with a pony. Can you help us to find that pony, so we may find Rainbow Dash too." John said.
  328. But he killed himself. Why would you want to find his corpse?
  329.  
  330. >"I remember the pony told something about a cave in the "Ever Free Forest" its on the east. But be careful, the Ever Free Forest is the most dangerous place in whole Equestria."
  331. "Just keep looking through caves until you find the correct corpse."
  332.  
  333. >"But what the truth is so horrible and hunt your dreams all the time?" asked the ghost.
  334. But John is already haunted. His own dream even showed that he, deep down, knows what he has done.
  335.  
  336.  
  337.  
  338. >"I haven't to. Follow the voice in your head." said the system and powered down.
  339. That's the best advice you can give insane people. "Follow the voice in your head."
  340.  
  341. >"I still haven't got an answer what happened but maybe we know where Rainbow Dash is. LETS GO SPIKE." John said.
  342. I believe it's been pretty evident for several chapters now. You're just too badly written to realise it.
  343.  
  344.  
  345.  
  346.  
  347. >Part 11: Shadows of the past
  348. Well, the last chapter, titled "The truth", gave us no truths at all, so I expect this chapter to be completely devoid of shadows and/or past events.
  349.  
  350. >After an hour walking through the Ever Free Forest, John and Spike arrived at the place where John appeared at the first time.
  351. The plot thickens, and again, it's all about John, and nothing else.
  352.  
  353. >"The statue? It is still here?" he determined.
  354. John, the questioning determiner. Also, pic related is the statue. If anyone has survived this entire trip with me, you might remember this statue (or one fairly similar) in Chapter 1, from when John was riding the nuclear blastwave.
  355.  
  356. >"I...I know this place." said John and start smiling.
  357. >"I ... I worked here ..." he stuttered.
  358. >"WHAT?" Spike asked.
  359. The Everfree Forest is actually Central Park, seeing as this area was New York before John fucked up humanity.
  360.  
  361. >John remembered. [Buhuhu, John sobs for an entire paragraph about how NY, which he disliked in Chapter 1, is now gone.] Nothing looked like earlier.
  362. Sure John, let the tears flow. Hopefully you realise that not only is everything gone, but that it's also all your fault.
  363.  
  364.  
  365.  
  366. >"OK Spike here we are. Ok listen. I have to do that by myself ok? Go and call the other ponies and maybe the princess to. I may need the Elements Of Harmony." John declared Spike.
  367. "I'm going to check if the corpse is still in the cave. Call the Princesses, call the Elements, call the Wonderbolts, call the Royal Guard, call the Navy, call the Army, call Discord, call the Airforce, call Mom, call for Pizza and Call of Cthulhu."
  368.  
  369. >"WHAT NO! You cant do that themselves alone." said Spike shocked.
  370. "Don't worry, I've got Protagonist Shield (tm)."
  371.  
  372. >"I have to. I was it who brought Dash in this situation." John explained.
  373. No you didn't. You have no reason to suspect that. Chances are, she just got upset and ran away, and will be back again in a day or two.
  374.  
  375. >Spike left John. John stood in front of the cave which go deeper and deeper. It looked really scary but he has to find Dash.
  376. Getting really fucking exciting, right? I mean, the computer-ghost (Ghost in the Machine), told John to find a pegasus who killed himself and lived in this cave. Or something. And that will somehow make him find Dash.
  377.  
  378.  
  379.  
  380. I can still remember their screams. Every single voice joined each other in a monstrous cacophony of sound. Their lungs were swiftly emptied, sending them into desperate gulps for air. As if air could save them. As if there was any hope. I raised my voice for the second time, once again ushering forth an age of terror and fright:
  381. "There is no hope. It's Andre time."
  382.  
  383. >Part 12: WHAT IF ...
  384. Here we are again, at the longest chapter in the fic so far. It's easily twice the length of normal chapters, and if my expectations are met, sadly twice as retarded as well. If you've been following this you know that this has been a bad, but fairly normal self-insert fic so far (with the exception of John, our protagonist, actually killing all of mankind AND refusing to stick his Quarter Pounder (presumably with cheese) into RD's Lawrence of a Labia), and introducing some weird sci-fi ripoff shit in the last two chapters.
  385.  
  386. As of now, John is going into a cave to find a a pegasus who killed himself, because a ghost that was a AI told him to. This will presumably in some way lead to him finding RD, his sorta-gf, who has been missing for several hours.
  387.  
  388. >After he arrived in the cave, he saw a lot of ... weird ponies, they had green eyes, and there bodies were very lean, ... like bones.
  389. Changelings? I'm going to guess so, but it would make more sense to say that they had chitin, rather than saying they were... bone-like? They do have bugs in Germany, right?
  390.  
  391.  
  392.  
  393. >They don't look really nice. John tried to find Rainbow Dash but only what he saw were these ponies who ate .... GOD ... John saw a leg and a hoof of some pony. The creature ate some meat of the body from a the pony.
  394. So, Changelings are cannibals. I guess "feeding on love" isn't grimdark enough for Andre.
  395.  
  396. >He never seen a horrible picture like that except the death of his friends after the fallout.
  397. He had never seen horrors like this... except for that time he slaughtered the whole of humanity, and watched his friends and co-workers die in front of him. Which happened less than a week ago.
  398.  
  399. >There was a lake ... full with blood and bones.
  400. I was actually hoping that this entire fic would just be bad dialogue, bad romance, and bad slice of life. Not this dark shit. I like dark stories when I feel like the darkness has a purpose and contributes to the story. This shit however?
  401.  
  402. >Wing bones, horns and other sacraments of body pieces.
  403. Sacraments? So the Changelings have some sort of death worship cult-thingy? A god of death/bones?
  404.  
  405. >He moved forward. Suddenly there stood one of these ... THINGS front of him. He shocked. He tried to move back but the pony noticed and approached to him. Behind of him there was a second and soon there were more and more of them.
  406. Normally, I'd say "(X character) is gonna die". But then I remembered that this is John, and that he probably will slaughter all of them with his dollar chain or something.
  407.  
  408.  
  409.  
  410. >They cried again. The cry was so loud that it hurt in John ears. The scary ponies watched him with their glowing eyes then it went dark.
  411. Changelings also have horrible screams. Is this going to turn into a fetishy rape fic now? I would be ok with that if it meant I'd never have to see Pinkie again in this story.
  412.  
  413. >John woke up. His head hurt. He had no idea where he is. He looked around and saw nothing like a dark room with ... wait!
  414. Don't be Chrysalis. Please. I like her way too much as a villain to have John touch her.
  415.  
  416. >"RAINBOW DASH?" John said and jumped up and run to her.
  417. Should I even be surprised?
  418.  
  419. >"DASH HEY ARE YOU OK? Your eyes are green?" John said worried.
  420. They'd be such a great couple. John, already faintly glowing green ever since his atomic joyride, and RD, with her totally healthy green glowing eyes.
  421.  
  422. >"Dashi I am so sorry what happened believe me I ..." John got abort. He didn´t believe what sit in front of him.
  423. I also wish John had been aborted. Besides, what are you sorry for? Rejecting her? Refusing to explore her inner space with his Major Tom?
  424.  
  425. >"YOU?!" John asked and looked angry.
  426. >"Come a bit closer John Price I don't bite." said the dark pony.
  427. Remember the shitty black and red Dark Brotherhood OC John kept dreaming about in-between the melting children and the disembodied limbs? Well, this is her. I hope she' still got those unshorn fetlocks.
  428.  
  429.  
  430.  
  431.  
  432. >"How... you are the pony of my ... nightmares .. but?" stammered John.
  433. >"Are you surprised?" asked the black Pony.
  434. >"Yes a little." John answered.
  435. Oh, so John's a LITTLE surprised that a nightmarish pony (with fetlocks), escaped from his horrible dreams of mutilation and murder? That a black and red pony OC, who's special talent seems to be murder, actually was real, and chilling out in a cave in the Everfree Forest? John thinks all that's just a bit weird.
  436.  
  437. >"We all were that. After the bombs felt from the sky the earth could not longer stay the biodiversity. Some managed stay above, the rest of your kind escaped on the ground. And centenaries later as they tried to revert the sun again, they couldn't." said the dark pony.
  438. Well, this came out of nowhere. Are you all ready for Andre to explain the story, worldbuilding and logic behind his fucked up creation?
  439.  
  440. >"Later the human kind try to create something new they manipulate their blood with other animals and try to put them together to crate
  441. a whole new kind.
  442. OH SO THAT'S HOW SCIENCE WORKS. YOU BLEND YOUR BLOOD WITH OTHER RACES AND CREATE HYBRIDS. THAT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING.
  443. Does this mean that I can break into a stable, blend blood with a horse, and create a centaur? Could I mix a human, a horse, a goat and a vacuum cleaner to create Tirek?
  444.  
  445.  
  446.  
  447. >"Yes they mixed the blood with the human blood and the blood of a raptor. For example they originated the Pegasus pony.
  448. Yes. Naturally. It's only natural that blending the blood of a human and a fucking bird creates pegasi. I wonder why on one has thought of this before? I secretly kind of wish he means velociraptors.
  449.  
  450. >The human blood is the result that we can speak your language and to think of oneself.
  451. Again, Andre is presenting us with the simple, scientific fact, that the ability to speak and think lies in our blood, and that when human blood is mixed with animals, the hybrid gets the ability to speak English. ALL HAIL BRITANNIA!
  452.  
  453. >After years of a hunger war, the human kind felt completely, so the ponies try to leave the underground and they saw the daylight for their first time. The earth was still a rough plaster so the ponies had to extended their mental powers." The dark pony declared.
  454. "After the wars, the human race felt, collectively feeling the greatest feel ever felt in the history of mankind."
  455.  
  456.  
  457.  
  458. >"You mean that they can use magic to manipulate their habitat?" John asked.
  459. >"For example yes." answered the pony.
  460. Ok. I'll give you something Andre. I dislike the idea of Equestria being post-human Earth. I really do.
  461. But, the idea of magic being intentionally created so that the new race could transform the landscape and make the word inhabitable again is sort of cool. So congratulations. It took nearly half the fic to come up with an idea that isn't completely awful. Be proud.
  462.  
  463. >John understood now what happened. He knew now, he wasn't in another world he was ... IN THE FUTURE.
  464. I don't even know what to say. Didn't he acknowledge this in chapter 10? I don't even fucking know.
  465. Normally, when you want the main character to go on a epic quest to acquire some kind of knowledge, you don't want to deliberately spoil the final reveal to the reader after just a few chapters. Because we, the readers, have all known this for quite a while.
  466.  
  467. >"You are the last part of my puzzle to accomplish my plan." said the dark pony.
  468. "You are the last special snowflake I need to accomplish my dark, edgy and likely horrifyingly stupid plan."
  469.  
  470. >"To destroy Equestria, the princesses and to rule that world." the pony answered with an evil smile.
  471. Forget all the good things I have ever said about you Andre.
  472.  
  473. >"Your kind is the best to symbolize the EVIL." smiled the dark pony evil.
  474. Please, go gas yourself.
  475.  
  476.  
  477.  
  478. >"Remember what you are. What your kind is. All the evil things which happened. The wars, the catastrophes..." said the dark pony.
  479. Please don't start talking about 9/11 and the "rage on terror" again. Please.
  480. What's with the misanthropy of fimfiction writers? I see how Equestria could be used as a utopia, as utopian and dystopian literature are well known and important genres. But I don't get the "All humans are evil 'cus wars, ponies best in every way, no social issues ever"-mentality. Are these writers all stereotypical misantropic social misfits?
  481.  
  482. >"Who are you to question 116.000 years... of evolution?" asked the pony.
  483. I don't even know how to comment. This is so stupid I feel like my job is superfluous. I'm feeling a growing need to give up.
  484.  
  485. >"That's crazy that's against all natural law." said John and got pull to the pony´s hoof.
  486. John, the great moralist.
  487.  
  488.  
  489.  
  490. >"AND WHAT ARE TIME TRAVLE? ONLY THE FUTILE ATTEMP TO CONTROLL THE WORLD AROUND YOU. John I know you. I can look inside your memories, your wishful dreams, your nightmares. You are a man who torture the most terrible words WHAT IF..." said the pony and let her hoof from Johns face.
  491. I didn't even know she put it there. Otherwise, I'm starting to think this is some experimental PoMo prose. It's the only way I can make any sense out of it.
  492.  
  493. >"KNOW YOURSELF, KNOW WHAT YOU AND YOUR KIND WILL BECOME!" said the dark pony loud with a demon voice on the background.
  494. Will become? Aren't they already gone. Didn't John kind of cause that? Hasn't he figured out that he caused the apocalypse yet?
  495.  
  496. >John put his hands on his head. He saw so many badly and sadly pictures. He saw the brutality of the Second Word War, he saw the assassination to John F. Kennedy 1963, he saw the happenings on the 11th September 2001, he saw the war in Afghanistan, he saw the flood 2004 and finally the happenings on the 29. August 2030. He saw starting the nuclear missiles how they strike everywhere on the world. He saw a family which kneel down and pray before they died. He saw how the buildings flew through the air and humans cried everywhere. The hell has come to earth.
  497. I normally avoid really long quotes from the fic. But you needed to read this. To understand the shit I'm dealing with. This is Andre's understanding of hell on earth. And he's sharing it with us. Likely through this fic.
  498.  
  499.  
  500.  
  501. >"So ... so many bad things will happen." John said.
  502. They HAVE happened. The worst one of them because you sucked at your job.
  503.  
  504. >"I know but It haven't to be. Come with me and together we´ll destroy the government we end the war the corruption and all the misery on your time." said the pony with an evil face again.
  505. I don't think there has been a single sentence where the OC hasn't said/done/been something in a EVIL way. She seems totally reasonable, and I would like to join her side. Nothing is as good as villains who consider themselves evil.
  506.  
  507. >John was on the best way to followed him but suddenly another vision appear on his head. He was in the year 20.000. He saw a dark Equestira. There were a army of "Changelings" and a lot of slavery ponies.
  508. Why do you call them Changelings? This is the first time in the entire fic this word has been used. Besides, year 20 000 is 100 000 years ago. No need to worry about it.
  509.  
  510.  
  511.  
  512. >He sat down and saw the future Equestiras. Now he knows he can´t change the past but ... MAYBE HE CAN CHANGE THE FUTURE.
  513. Again, not likely, because that shit happened 100 000 years ago.
  514.  
  515. >"John do you met a decision?" asked the dark pony.
  516. >"Thanks your highness." John said.
  517. >"I seen enough. I never turn to you. I have my friends here, my family and my ... love." John answered.
  518. What a surprising and engaging turn of events. Our favourite Kraut really knows how to catch the reader off-guard and suck him into the author's magical realm.
  519.  
  520. >"AHAHAHA do you really think they want you here. What do you think why did Cilestia keep a secret about your past. She know you are evil all of you humans are evil and they will know that one day you will show them your true face and then they will ban you forever or ... THEY KILL YOU!" Or better what would Cilestia and the other ponies say if you are in a realitionship with RAINBOW DASH." said the pony with a demon evil voice.
  521. Has she done a thing that hasn't been evil yet?
  522.  
  523. >"No. Not every human is evil. The most of them wear a big darkness in their hearts. Me too but now I know what it means to have a family, friends. I was an evil guy cause all what I knew were betrayal, lioness and fear.
  524. He knew a fucking lioness? I'm legitimately jealous. Also lions are cool.
  525.  
  526.  
  527.  
  528. I'm just going to skip riffing some of there massive fucking blocks of horrendous dialogue. Basically all they are arguing is if John can trust the other ponies.
  529.  
  530. >"I am alone? Oh no you the lonely one here. All what you try is to hide the dark past. You refuse to believe what happened to you and what will happen in the future. Love can´t save your life the only one who can this is ME I have the force to give you a new life." declared the pony.
  531. Finally, something that wasn't evil. Even though it kind of was.
  532.  
  533. >"Oh no thank you, if you know the human kind so good as you mean, you must know what will happen if we have to much power." smiled John and looked behind.
  534. >"TWILIGHT! FINALLY! Thanks for coming." said John relieved.
  535. Thank you for saving me from this horrible, horrible dialogue. I hate the fact that I'm not even halfway in this chapter yet.
  536.  
  537.  
  538.  
  539. >"Go away John. I rule that now." said Twilight and everypony wear on of the Elements Of Harmony.
  540. Everypony except for Renbo Dosh, who's still missing, since what John saw was obviously a Changeling.
  541.  
  542. >"Oh come on John you sending kids to help you?" giggled the dark pony.
  543. I think Andre is meaning that she pulled off a evil laugh. I, however, must stand true to what's written. So she giggled. A EVIL GIGGLE.
  544.  
  545. >"Samantha give up!" Twilight said.
  546. Of course her name is Samantha. Why the fuck wouldn't it be? Though to be honest, I was expecting something like:
  547. XxXBloodyDreamsPegasis98XxX
  548. Mistress Onyx Murder
  549. Countess RavenNight BlackDark
  550. Princess Bloodyhand DarkEdgy ThunderPelvis VI
  551.  
  552. >"Do you really think the "Elements Of Harmony can stop me? Poor kid you still have much to learn." she giggled.
  553. Yeah, because it's totally unreasonable for anyone to assume that the Elements can stop a normal pony.
  554.  
  555. >"NO ONE CAN STOP THE DARKNESS OR ME!" she shouted.
  556. So her power/agenda/motivation is basically "darkness"? This is painfully bad.
  557.  
  558. >"It´s over!" said Twilight and put her element on his neck. Everypony got his element. Twilight used her magic to put Dash´s element on her neck too. Dash awaked.
  559. Hey, Dash is here. I wonder where she was during all this fucking awful dialogue.
  560.  
  561.  
  562.  
  563. >6 beams of light come together and built a rainbow-colored beam. Samantha used her magic too. On her horn came a dark stripe out. The beams hit together but the darkness won. The six ponies hit to a wall. The six ponies were senseless.
  564. Sure. Of course Samantha, the dark and red Dark Brotherhood OC, can defeat the Elements of Harmony. Now we just have to wait for her to beat up Worf as well.
  565.  
  566. >"You see NO ONE can stop me. NO ONE not even the Elements Of Harmony hahaha." she laughed loud.
  567. Where have you been all the fucking show? Chillin' in a cave, waiting for a human to show up?
  568.  
  569. >"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" John jumped up put his combat knife and tried to hit the pony.
  570. John has a fucking combat knife. I'll assume Rarity, being a tailor, clockmaker and smith, is also a fine knifesmith, with the knowledge required to make a human combat knife. Which she did without John asking for it. I also love how this, which would have been useful earlier, hasn't been mentioned a single fucking time before. Fucking A grade writing.
  571.  
  572. >He failed. The pony used his magic and pushed him to a wall. He lied down and convulsed. He stood up again. His face was deep red. He was angry ... very angry.
  573. JOHN ANGRY, JOHN SMASH.
  574.  
  575. >Cilestia entered the room.
  576. >"That's enough Samantha." said the Princess and her horn starts glowing.
  577. Hey, Celestia actually does something for once. That's a new one. I wonder if Andre will ever figure out how her name is spelled.
  578.  
  579.  
  580.  
  581. >"Why did you not told me what happened with the human kind. You hide the truth. I asked you so often and you lied me every time."
  582. Oh. So instead of getting angry at the pony who kidnapped him and beat up his friends and his girlfriend, John is getting mad at Celestia, who is there to help him.
  583.  
  584. >"John I .. you!" she spluttered.
  585. >"SHUT THE HELL UP! I could kill you for that what you have done to me. I was every time honestly to you your highness and you LIED ME ALL THE TIME. YOU ALL." John started to lose his control about his feelings. He started running to her and stab her on her shoulder with his knife.
  586. John just stabbed Celestia. Let me repeat that. John just stabbed Celestia. Once more. JOHN JUST STABBED FUCKING CELESTIA.
  587. If there was ever any hope left for John after he decide that a dollar chain was a fashionable accessory, that dies right here. I hope he dies a horrible, gruesome death, being left out in the sun to bake to death. This is beyond anything yet featured in this fic. I have a rising urge to throw my laptop into the wall and go outside and praise the fucking sun. Even though it's night. I'll praise it so hard it turns into motherfucking day. Fuck you, John. Fuck you, Andre.
  588.  
  589. >"*AAAAHH ... J-ohn *crghkg* John please don't to that, that's not you. I know you are not like the others...She is triying to control you and ..." The princess got abort.
  590. Stop it.
  591.  
  592. I can't fucking deal with this shit. How can one chapter fuck up up a fic this badly?
  593.  
  594.  
  595.  
  596. >"Hahaha goooood, your hate has made your powerful now show them who you really are, now fulfil your destiny, kill her and take her place on my side." Samantha laughed with her demon voice.
  597. .....
  598. I can't. I just fucking can't deal with this. Samantha is the fucking Emperor. I can't deal with this at all. Mad now. Really fucking mad now. Fuck everything forever.
  599.  
  600. >"NEVER!!" and he throw his knife away.
  601. Oh so now you refuse. NOW YOU FUCKING REFUSE!
  602.  
  603. >"I never turn to your side. Your failed your highness I am one of them and I never went from their site. I never went away from the princess, for Rainbow Dash or for any other pony.
  604. This is hurting me Andre. Inflicting real physical pain. You never stopped following the Princesses. EXCEPT THAT YOU JUST STABBED CELESTIA LESS THAN A MINUTE AGO! I refuse to believe this is anything but a trollfic. I refuse to believe any human individual could honestly write this, and believe in it.
  605.  
  606. >The princess was glad to hear that words. She knew that John said that from the bottom of one's heart.
  607. But of course. This is a shitty fucking fic. So everyone loves the Protagonist. Even if he stabs then for no fucking reason.
  608.  
  609.  
  610.  
  611. >The horn of the evil pony started to glow and she pushed John the wall. Then he threw him left, right, up and down. He starts blooding. He started to bleed from the nose.
  612. Oh shit, John has a nosebleed! Better focus on him and forget everything else.
  613.  
  614. >"YOU FOOL YOU HAD YOU CHANCE NOW I KILL EVERYONE OF YOU AND THAN I DESTROY EQUESTIRA WITHOUT YOU!"
  615. If destroying Equestria was a option without John, what did you even need him for?
  616.  
  617. >Something must be happen, if he wont die. Miraculously the princess used his magic and push Johns knife into his hand.
  618. You go Celestia, push the knife back in the hand of the guy who stabbed you. Great idea.
  619.  
  620. >"JOHN CATCH." and he cached the knife and rams his knife into Samantha's dark heart.
  621. IS he yelling that at himself? How did he even come close enough to stab her? He was at the other side of the room just a sentence ago.
  622.  
  623. >"NO...NO....NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO." she cried and a pillar of darkness shoots through the walls and disappeared.
  624. >She felt down and closed her eyes. Samantha was dead.
  625. >John inhaled in and out. It was over. The darkness was defeated.
  626. Well, that was it. The big boss, The Darkness. Defeated in one sentence ("lel jon stabs her"). It all ends here. In chapter 12. This is abysmal.
  627.  
  628.  
  629.  
  630. >The other ponies woke up to but Dash slept further.
  631. >"Dash please wake up please." John wept.
  632. >"Oh my God Dashi please come back please I am so sorry what I´ve done please of course I love you please come back to me please please please." John was desperate.
  633. You have no reason to ever have anything good happen to you ever again John. But, since you're the main character, I guess this is supposed to be a emotional moment for all of us.
  634.  
  635. >"Princess please help her please or Twilight please help her Oh my god oh my go oh my god." John wept further.
  636. >"John..." The princess and the other ponies started crying too.
  637. I feel bad for RD though. Sure, she had terrible taste in men, and a weird bestiality fetish, but in the end, she didn't deserve to die. She was killed because of John. John, who is the root of everything bad in this story.
  638.  
  639. >"She still breath. We have to go to a hospital." said John.
  640. Maybe the talking nursery can help her?
  641.  
  642. >They were outside of the cave. The Changelings died after her highness died. The guardians appeared.
  643. So Samantha was a Changeling Queen of some sort? And the other Changelings just sort of died with her?
  644.  
  645. >"J...J-ohn?" whispered a voice quietly.
  646. >"Dashi?" asked John. Everpony starts wondering.
  647. Am I going to need a towel or a bucket for my tears over the emotional scene that is about to unfold, Andre?
  648.  
  649.  
  650.  
  651. >"DASHI OMG YOU ARE ALIVE?" John stated smiling.
  652. You blew it. You had one chance at a emotional scene. And you fucked up yet again. Besides, John already knew that she was alive.
  653.  
  654. >"John what have did today was very brave of you. You save us, Dash, the princess and the rest of Equestria. Thank you John." smiled Twilight.
  655. "You also stabbed Celestia, but that's not really important. You're a hero! A horrible, twisted maniac of a hero."
  656.  
  657. >"No, because I ... failed. I couldn't rescue Dash and maybe she will..." John got abort.
  658. >"SHE WONT YOU KNOW HER." Twilight said.
  659. Once again, Twilight has learned many things, but never the difference between outdoor and indoor voice.
  660.  
  661. >"Why? OK maybe she was a bit disappointed but that's not your fault." Twilight said and tried to cheer John.
  662. Finally. After three chapters of self-loathing, someone points out that John wasn't actually guilty for RD's kidnapping. In any way.
  663.  
  664. >"Ok everypony let´s go." said Twilight and we left this horrible place.
  665. Just like I, soon, is leaving this horrible fic.
  666.  
  667. >I was so glad that it was over.
  668. You're not the only one. I can't riff anything else today.
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