Maya Angelou, You're Mean to Me am I Mean to You?

>be me, Bitey the Rat
>i'm so friggin cute
>it makes me want to BITE
>i'm escaped in the sewers of sacramento
>i am crawling through shitpipes
>i rip the meat from the dangling fruit
>in the dark i stab
>i always have trouble remembering
>which shit pipe
>i'm supposed to take to get home
>i've been lost down here for three days
>i'm only human
>i mean
>rat
>...
>who bites!
>i find a shiny piece of metal
>i figure it's a jewel of some kind
>and i am like wow
>what is this shiny thing
>it shines brighter than all of the other poop in my tiny little paws
>so i stick it up my nose, to measure it
>i kinda want to take it with me but it's so big
>it smells like shit but i kinda like it
>i don't want anyone else to have it
>i look down and i see
>happiness
>i can't believe i just found happiness
>so i stick it up my nose
>and i'm finally climbing out of the sewer on K street when i see
>a cute beady-eyed little creature with big bitey teeth and pink fur
>i think about if i want to get involved
>but, some days.. you just gotta step into a rat trap
>i pretend like i'm clumsy and knock into her
>we're rolling around on the street, wrestling and squealing in the street infront of a bus stop full of people, who are staring at us like we are the most disgusting creatures ever
>then she runs off, leaving me behind
>i ask myself if i should follow her
>this better not be a wizard
>i follow her into her lair - a rundown tenement - and find her sitting on a mat, eating cheese
>and do you know what she says to me?
“Hey, come snuggle!”
>i cuddle up with my lady
>we cuddle for days and days
>a gentle smile crosses her face as we finally give into our basest urges
>the next day i wake up early
>now, because i can't be sure of this woman's intentions, i make a break for it
>on the way down the street i realize i must have left behind my jewel
>i go back for it
>she's trying to kiss me
>her little pink tongue is pressed up against my teeth
>she's planting her bum in my groin, wrapping her tiny pink legs around me
>suddenly i see a huge cake
>it wasn't here before
>i say wow!
>i run up the side of the cake
>it's very cool with pink icing all over it
>i dive down into it
>i'm biting the cake
>i'm in a big cake
>i am biting
>this is the ultimate freedom
>in a big cake
>biting the cake
>i say wait a second
>i say where did you get this cake
>she says freeport bakery
>i say now hold on a second
>with what money
>she says she traded my jewel for it
>i say that wasn't my jewel to trade
>i say that was a sewer treasure
>i tell her it was a sewer treasure
>she doesn't understand
>she doesn't spend time in the sewer
>she's not a sewer girl
>i say you have to get my sewer treasure back
>i say why aren't you getting my sewer treasure back
>i say we need to talk about getting my sewer treasure back
>i ask her how long she thinks it will take to get my sewer treasure back
>i say
>she says fine
>she leaves
>she's gone a really long time
>i set out into the city
>i head to freeport bakery
>they're closing soon
>i'm dodging dogs trying to snap me up
>i step inside
>everywhere is bright and warm
>it smells like cookies and flour and old leather shoes
>somewhere in the background, a guitar plays
>a lopsided version of "House of the Rising Sun"
>a lone man with long white hair, glasses and a pointed hat is inside holding his hands high
>"no"
>i say
>"no"
>the wizard is casting foul magicks!
>he is tossing cakes at me!
>i am jumping from cake to cake to get to him!
>i will bite him!
>he flips a cake right into me!
>i bite through it!
>i am sailing through the air!
>i am spiraling into his face!
>i bite his glasses in two!
>the wizard is blinded!
>i say "ahahaha"
>he goes running for it
>i jump on his back
>i bite onto his cloak
>i am flying back and forth as his cloak flutters around
>but with every bite i take
>i bunch up more and more cloth
>and get closer to him
>finally
>i deliver the death bite
>he collapses
>his wizard staff shatters
>i ask him why
>the wizard says "we could have been happy together"
>i say "Whynna?"
>the wizard says "u and me, a lovely girl called Minnie"
>i go "WHHY??? WHY??? WHY??? WHY??? WHY???"
>the wizard says "your sewer treasure was nothing to me"
>i say "I...I...I...I...I..."
>he says it's useless
>i say it was a gold and jewel and shiny expensive object
>he says it was just a cheap piece of plastic
>i say but i never had anything like it before
>he says no it was literally just an ordinary tampon applicator
>i say that i'll never have anything like it again in my life
>he says that love for others means more than treasure
>and of course, he dies
>i walk out of freeport bakery
>i slouch homeward
>someone is setting off fireworks in the alleys
>some days
>you just gotta step into a ratrap.