CALLAHAN
Now when you become a journalist
the moment you write 'xhi'll'
there is that post you're bound to see
a journo is a shill

CALLAHAN
Ignore that, it's simplistic, and it's dumb
only most of you will turn out shills, just some
the rest are bums

CALLAHAN
Our topic is trolls on the twitter
Kids, it's time you faced
Twitter is a waste
Oh yes unless you acquire a taste for

CALLAHAN
Trolls on the twitter
Eggs and memes and calls
You're posting until they call you a shill
And that's your only flaw

CALLAHAN
Mr.... Schrier, hypothetical question
How would you respond to the following tweet onto your feed?
A single developer made a game with big titted women
20 years experience, working in the industry for free
Well he posted that he liked breasts and won't recant it
And he's implied your gay with art and your article is scorned!

STUDENT 1
Yes, I would call him a lolicon

CALLAHAN
Right! This one's a win unless you're lazy
He's a nip, he can barely speak a phrase!
He's busy, Dragon's Crown will fail within days!
Your article explodes and can get you clicks with praise!

CALLAHAN
Look for
trolls on the twitter
Read your feeds and logs
Only spineless snobs
Will quarrel with the morally upright mobs

CALAHAN
Yes, trolls on the twitter
Your scruples are a flaw

Ms... Hernandez, hypothetical question, would you be willing to tweet to the following man?

Say you notice a man on your feed who keeps posting
A meme picture that makes you think of a rape tweet
It reminds you of your past forays
Triggers flashbacks of the way
You wrote an article that was mocked and you were told to delete!

STUDENT 2
(spoken) What, you think I wouldn't tweet at him just because he's a typical man?

CALLAHAN
(spoken) Oh, you journalists think you're so tough

STUDENT 2
(spoken) But--

CALLAHAN
Oh dear, I fear my comment has offended
Hard to argue, when you're tweeting at me and don't delete
The trolls will immediately descend and
Make you rage and cry and beg to sleep

So what's my point? I read a million tweets an hour!
And I get four topics trending every year
From these feeds I will decide four new memes that will collide
And those feeds will have no trolls for a solid year!

Do you follow me?

So I wanna see . . . What?

STUDENTS
Trolls on the twitter

CALLAHAN
Exactly, let the games begin

STUDENTS
Hm-mm-mm-mm

CALLAHAN
Four of you will win

STUDENTS
Hm-mm-mm-mm-ooh-ooh-ooh

CALLAHAN
But just those four who don't post a sin
Yes, trolls on the twitter
So fight and scratch and claw
Anime Trump and all

Yes Miss uh,

ELLE
(spoken) /v/, /v/ the Troll.

CALLAHAN
(spoken) Someone's played a lot vidya.
Would you tell me how you would reply to a person who hates a progressive game?

ELLE
(spoken) Oh, I would tell him that everyone has their own opinions.

CALLAHAN
(spoken) But they have an anime avatar.

ELLE
(spoken) Okay, who cares about what kind of avatar they have?

CALLAHAN
(spoken) You have guts, Ms. Troll. Ms. . . . Tumblr.

(sung)Let's say you teach a class on using Twitter
A position that you're not very proud about
But a girl on whom you call doesn't know how to tweet at all
Should you let it go--

VIVIENNE
(spoken) No! I'd throw her out!

CALLAHAN
All right, then.
You have heard your classmate
You aren't a good shill
She saw your post, and now you're toast,
Yes you're a troll, and

ALL
Should be killed, you
Troll on the twitter

CALLAHAN
So would you please withdraw
And if you return,
Please try and discern,
Or is it unfair?
Oh wait I don't care!
Twitter's so cruel
To trolls and new fools
Make them fear and hide and crawl

CALLAHAN
You're posting until,

STUDENTS
Trolls on the twitter

CALLAHAN
They call you a shill,

STUDENTS
Trolls on the twitter,

CALLAHAN
And that's your only flaw,

STUDENTS
Trolls on the twitter,

CALLAHAN
Your only flaw

STUDENTS
Trolls on the twitter,

CALLAHAN
Your only flaw,

STUDENTS
Trolls on the twitter,
TROLLS ON THE TWITTER!