Advertisement
Not a member of Pastebin yet?
Sign Up,
it unlocks many cool features!
- Every day, I keep a dream journal.
- Some people say that over time it might start making dreams feel like real life
- and that's dangerous...but I haven't felt that way.
- More than that, people say it's a good way to improve one's mental health.
- But it seems like that's true of all routines.
- For me, it's just fun. Reading back on it, it's like I have more memories.
- Dreams and memories are about the same thing once they're in the past, so it doesn't feel far from the truth to say they really happened to you.
- But it's actually really hard to write a dream journal...they slip out of your memory so easily.
- The details slip away from you as you write.
- You have to record them as fast as possible.
- Apparently professional interviewers don't use words at all.
- They just use a personal system of simple symbols to record everything.
- But I can't do that sort of thing....so I frequently miss days. It's difficult to be accurate, too.
- ...in writing my journals, I've lately had a disproportionate number of bad dreams. And they feel so real.
- Death is a given, and often I'll suffer for a long time without dying.
- I'll immediately wake up after death, but just before it feels like reality.
- Pain, suffering...nothing but that. Recently sleep itself has become scary, no, terrifying.
- Since I'll feel the pain of death every time I sleep...I think it's a little impressive to keep writing dream journals even through that.
- ...maybe the way all that pain resets when I wake up
- is the real motivation for my journals.
- Since I might really die someday.
- And I can only think of one reason why I've been having all these bad dreams. That drug.
- Marenol.
- An antidepressant I got hold of myself instead of being prescribed.
- I'm, well, depressed. I took the drugs I was prescribed at first, but they didn't do anything.
- I've done counseling, too, but I never had any confidence in it.
- Unsurprisingly, I soon stopped medicating, and soon I lost the will to go outside.
- Even leaving my room became a challenge. I stopped eating, started collapsing and vomiting.
- Even though there was nothing to vomit up...heh.
- For better or for worse, in the middle of all that, I found an antidepressant on the internet.
- I wasn't actually looking for one...
- Instead, while I was looking for suicide methods without any intention of actually going through with it, it showed up in some automatic interstitial.
- (Is it really a good thing to stop people who want to die?)
- Its main effects: powerful antidepressant properties, mood enhancement, healing depression itself, nutritional supplementation, with a very long tail of effectiveness...nothing short of perfect.
- But I was more interested in the side effect. "Dreams so bad they approach death."
- I was dubious of whether they were actually that bad,
- But having "recovery" as a main effect and "death" as a side effect is sort of win-win for someone suicidal.
- And dream journals had almost made bad dreams a little fun.
- And there are a lot of drugs with bad dreams as a side effect.
- It's hard to tell if the drugs actually cause them or they were happening anyway...
- So apparently it's really not that big a deal.
- I really didn't think it would be that bad...in retrospect, I was overconfident.
- I just took a bunch without paying too much attention to the instructions.
- I figured, hey, I've OD'd before.
- Thinking back, since it was on a suicide site...it must have been intended for "that".
- Something that only people prepared for "that" would use.
- At the very least, it was all true. Dreams like living hell. I die over and over again.
- The pain, no different from real life.
- I knew that suicide by overdose was painful, but...it was stupid to attempt something like this.
- Oh god, I want to die. Or...am I already dying? Christ, please.
- I know I said I wanted to die, but not this terribly.
- The worst part it...when I'm awake, I feel fine.
- I'm almost sickeningly happy. It's a little amazing that it's so effective I'm able to write this.
- But...it's all a trap. It's like the main effect is death, and the side effect is wanting to live.
- It wouldn't be that bad if it was just dying in a dream, but...
- It all hurts just as much as if it was real life.
- "Dreams so bad they approach death"...I thought it was talking about dying in the dream.
- But I've heard of people dying because their dreams felt so real their brains went into shock.
- So maybe it was talking about death in the real world. If so...I know I'll die that way.
- It feels so real, I can't tell how I'm still alive.
- Just make it either a dream or real, please...it's not like it makes a difference.
- The pain of being impaled by a lance, being crushed by the ceiling, of starving for oxygen as I drown...
- Even though it's just a dream, it's all real to me.
- There's nothing I can do but wait until the effects run out.
- Even though it's been days since I took it, it's still in my system.
- I have no idea how long it lasts...and until then, there's nothing I can do but die, over and over again.
- But I have no other options...a punishment I inflicted on myself.
- If I die, it'll be with no external injuries...no one will be able to tell what killed me.
- That's why I'm writing all this here...both my life and my dreams.
- Good night.
Advertisement
Add Comment
Please, Sign In to add comment
Advertisement