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  1. Destructive PSD
  2. A Screenplay by vlad ilic
  3. INT. BRAN, TRANSYLVANIA - AFTERNOON
  4.  
  5. Brilliant PRESIDENT IOHANNIS KLAUS is arguing with wife MARIA. IOHANNIS tries to hug MARIA but she shakes him off.
  6.  
  7. IOHANNIS
  8. Please Maria, don't leave me.
  9. MARIA
  10. I'm sorry IOHANNIS, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.
  11. IOHANNIS
  12. I am such a person!
  13. MARIA frowns.
  14.  
  15. MARIA
  16. I'm sorry, IOHANNIS. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
  17. MARIA leaves.
  18.  
  19. IOHANNIS sits down, looking defeated.
  20.  
  21. Moments later, kind daughter NATASHA ROMANOV barges in looking flustered.
  22.  
  23. IOHANNIS
  24. Goodness, Natasha! Is everything okay?
  25. NATASHA
  26. I'm afraid not.
  27. IOHANNIS
  28. What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
  29. NATASHA
  30. It's ... a pesedist ... I saw an evil pesedist destroy a bunch of transylvanians!
  31. IOHANNIS
  32. Defenseless transylvanians?
  33. NATASHA
  34. Yes, defenseless transylvanians!
  35. IOHANNIS
  36. Bloomin' heck, Natasha! We've got to do something.
  37. NATASHA
  38. I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
  39. IOHANNIS
  40. You can start by telling me where this happened.
  41. NATASHA
  42. I was...
  43. NATASHA fans herself and begins to wheeze.
  44.  
  45. IOHANNIS
  46. Focus Natasha, focus! Where did it happen?
  47. NATASHA
  48. a library! That's right - a library!
  49. IOHANNIS springs up and begins to run.
  50.  
  51.  
  52. EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS
  53.  
  54. IOHANNIS rushes along the street, followed by NATASHA. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.
  55.  
  56.  
  57. EXT. A LIBRARY - SHORTLY AFTER
  58.  
  59. LIVIU DRAGNEA a destructive pesedist terrorises two transylvanians.
  60.  
  61. IOHANNIS, closely followed by NATASHA, rushes towards BYZANTINE, but suddenly stops in his tracks.
  62.  
  63. NATASHA
  64. What is is? What's the matter?
  65. IOHANNIS
  66. That's not just any old pesedist, that's LIVIU DRAGNEA!
  67. NATASHA
  68. Who's LIVIU DRAGNEA?
  69. IOHANNIS
  70. Who's LIVIU DRAGNEA? Who's LIVIU DRAGNEA? Only the most destructive pesedist in the universe!
  71. NATASHA
  72. Blinkin' knickers, IOHANNIS! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most destructive pesedist in the universe!
  73. IOHANNIS
  74. You can say that again.
  75. NATASHA
  76. Blinkin' knickers, IOHANNIS! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most destructive pesedist in the universe!
  77. IOHANNIS
  78. I'm going to need impalers, lots of impalers.
  79. Byzantine turns and sees IOHANNIS and Natasha. He grins an evil grin.
  80.  
  81. BYZANTINE
  82. IOHANNIS the Impaler, we meet again.
  83. NATASHA
  84. You've met?
  85. IOHANNIS
  86. Yes. It was a long, long time ago...
  87.  
  88. EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME
  89.  
  90. A young IOHANNIS is sitting in a park listening to some black metal music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.
  91.  
  92. He looks up and sees BYZANTINE. He takes off his headphones.
  93.  
  94. BYZANTINE
  95. Would you like some blood?
  96. IOHANNIS's eyes light up, but then he studies BYZANTINE more closely, and looks uneasy.
  97.  
  98. IOHANNIS
  99. I don't know, you look kind of destructive.
  100. BYZANTINE
  101. Me? No. I'm not destructive. I'm the least destructive pesedist in the world.
  102. IOHANNIS
  103. Wait, you're a pesedist?
  104. IOHANNIS runs away, screaming.
  105.  
  106.  
  107. EXT. A LIBRARY - PRESENT DAY
  108.  
  109. BYZANTINE
  110. You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
  111. NATASHA
  112. (To IOHANNIS) You ran away?
  113. IOHANNIS
  114. (To NATASHA) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
  115. IOHANNIS turns to BYZANTINE.
  116.  
  117. IOHANNIS
  118. I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
  119. IOHANNIS runs away.
  120.  
  121. He turns back and shouts.
  122.  
  123. IOHANNIS
  124. I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with impalers.
  125. BYZANTINE
  126. I'm not scared of you.
  127. IOHANNIS
  128. You should be.
  129.  
  130. EXT. A VILLAGE - LATER THAT DAY
  131.  
  132. IOHANNIS and NATASHA walk around searching for something.
  133.  
  134. IOHANNIS
  135. I feel sure I left my impalers somewhere around here.
  136. NATASHA
  137. Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly impalers.
  138. IOHANNIS
  139. You know nothing Natasha Romanov.
  140. NATASHA
  141. We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
  142. Suddenly, BYZANTINE appears, holding a pair of impalers.
  143.  
  144. BYZANTINE
  145. Looking for something?
  146. NATASHA
  147. Crikey, IOHANNIS, he's got your impalers.
  148. IOHANNIS
  149. Tell me something I don't already know!
  150. NATASHA
  151. The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
  152. IOHANNIS
  153. I know that already!
  154. NATASHA
  155. make communism great again.
  156. BYZANTINE
  157. (appalled) Dude!
  158. While BYZANTINE is looking at NATASHA with disgust, IOHANNIS lunges forward and grabs his deadly impalers. He wields them, triumphantly.
  159.  
  160. IOHANNIS
  161. Prepare to die, you destructive communist!
  162. BYZANTINE
  163. No please! All I did was destroy a bunch of transylvanians!
  164. MARIA enters, unseen by any of the others.
  165.  
  166. IOHANNIS
  167. I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those transylvanians were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! IOHANNIS the Impaler defender of innocent transylvanians.
  168. BYZANTINE
  169. Don't hurt me! Please!
  170. IOHANNIS
  171. Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these impalers on you right away!
  172. BYZANTINE
  173. Because IOHANNIS, I am your father.
  174. IOHANNIS looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.
  175.  
  176. IOHANNIS
  177. No you're not!
  178. BYZANTINE
  179. Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
  180. BYZANTINE tries to grab the impalers but IOHANNIS dodges out of the way.
  181.  
  182. IOHANNIS
  183. Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?
  184. Unexpectedly, BYZANTINE slumps to the ground.
  185.  
  186. NATASHA
  187. Did he just faint?
  188. IOHANNIS
  189. I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly impalers.
  190. IOHANNIS crouches over BYZANTINE's body.
  191.  
  192. NATASHA
  193. Be careful, IOHANNIS. It could be a trick.
  194. IOHANNIS
  195. No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... LIVIU DRAGNEA is dead!
  196. IOHANNIS
  197. What?
  198. IOHANNIS
  199. Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.
  200. NATASHA claps her hands.
  201.  
  202. NATASHA
  203. So your impalers did save the day, after all.
  204. MARIA steps forward.
  205.  
  206. MARIA
  207. Is it true? Did you kill the destructive pesedist?
  208. IOHANNIS
  209. Maria how long have you been...?
  210. MARIA puts her arm around IOHANNIS.
  211.  
  212. MARIA
  213. Long enough.
  214. IOHANNIS
  215. Then you saw it for yourself. I killed LIVIU DRAGNEA.
  216. MARIA
  217. Then the transylvanians are safe?
  218. IOHANNIS
  219. It does seem that way!
  220. A crowd of vulnerable transylvanians enter, looking relived.
  221.  
  222. MARIA
  223. You are their hero.
  224. The transylvanians bow to IOHANNIS.
  225.  
  226. IOHANNIS
  227. There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that LIVIU DRAGNEA will never destroy transylvanians ever again, is enough for me.
  228. MARIA
  229. You are humble as well as brave!
  230. One of the transylvanians passes IOHANNIS a power the country
  231.  
  232. MARIA
  233. I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
  234. IOHANNIS
  235. I couldn't possibly.
  236. Pause.
  237.  
  238. IOHANNIS
  239. Well, if you insist.
  240. IOHANNIS takes the the country.
  241.  
  242. IOHANNIS
  243. Thank you.
  244. The transylvanians bow their heads once more, and leave.
  245.  
  246. IOHANNIS turns to MARIA.
  247.  
  248. IOHANNIS
  249. Does this mean you want me back?
  250. MARIA
  251. Oh, IOHANNIS, of course I want you back!
  252. IOHANNIS smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.
  253.  
  254. IOHANNIS
  255. Well you can't have me.
  256. MARIA
  257. WHAT?
  258. IOHANNIS
  259. You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a pesedist to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
  260. MARIA
  261. But...
  262. IOHANNIS
  263. Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Natasha.
  264. NATASHA grins.
  265.  
  266. MARIA
  267. But...
  268. NATASHA
  269. You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
  270. MARIA
  271. IOHANNIS?
  272. IOHANNIS
  273. I'm sorry Maria, but I think you should skidaddle.
  274. MARIA leaves.
  275.  
  276. NATASHA turns to IOHANNIS.
  277.  
  278. NATASHA
  279. Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
  280. IOHANNIS
  281. Of course you are!
  282. The two walk off arm in arm.
  283.  
  284. Suddenly NATASHA stops.
  285.  
  286. NATASHA
  287. When I said make communism great again, you know I was just trying to distract the pesedist don't you?
  288. THE END
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