_ignore this

 I still haven't figured out why you liked me so much, from the moment i spoke to you, you followed me around like a lost puppy. Always trying to do my school work for me since my lazy self refused to do anything. Always trying to encourage me to turn up to class, do my homework, the usual things school involves. I remember when you started copying everything i did, from clothes to music and hair, even my personality, you chose the worst person to look up to, you know? I always hated that, i felt like i had to be good for you.

 You were the only one who noticed when i stopped eating, the sh, that i was always sleeping in class, the drugs and all the other shitty things that happened. You were the only one w/ the guts to confront me about it. You were smart enough to see past my intimidating facade, either that, or you didn't care if i hurt you. But then you starting copying all of that too and i hated you for it. It was easier to pretend that you didn't exist.

 I don't think i miss you much, i don't miss the drama you caused me, i don't miss the copying, i dont miss your aggressiveness towards any male i spoke to (dude you kept spooking all the cute boys) or the shitty things you did to my friends. I don't miss how you made everyone in high school hate me.
But i do miss your smile, it's ability to make me smile in any situation, how your intelligence never failed to amaze me, your little girl crush, how much you cared about people, how you saw the best in everyone, how talented you were at literally everything, how you used to take loads of photos of me, complimenting me on each one. We used to joke about how you probably had a shrine dedicated to me in your house somewhere, it didn't even sound that far-fetched at the time.

 As tumultuous as our friendship was, i think some part of me appreciated you, although i hid it well. The good times were some of the best i've ever had, the bad times were some of the worst. I now realise that i'll never meet someone like you again. You were like a tornado, ravaging through. You always did know how to make an entrance.

 Your photos are still on my wall. You still follow all my social media. I still talk about you as if you're still here. It's like you've just gone on a rather long vacation and you'll be back soon.

I wish i could be sad for you. I wish i grieved for you. I didn't cry. I didn't lock myself in my room for a few days. I didn't spend everday wishing you were alive. I didn't write a fake post about how great you were on facebook. I didn't want to create a false memory of you in the interest of making myself feel less guilty.

 Honestly, i never really dealt with your death. I don't know how to. I found out when **** ran up to me in college laughing about it, and he found out through a Facebook post from someone you hated. My reaction was to laugh aswell but my first thought was "What if i killed her?".  I spent my lessons that day thinking about every single thing i ever said to you. _Did i push you over the edge?_ We discussed what we saw on facebook, none of us really thought you died. We never knew of someone who died so young, we only saw that stuff on the news. I asked some close friends of yours what happened, they didn't even know you were gone. Can you believe they found out through me, someone they hated? I wasn't even sensitive when i told them.

 It took me a week to get some confirmation on your death, i was relieved when i found out it wasn't a suicide. But then i kept getting anon messages from your friends saying it was still my fault. Some of them even said it should have been me instead of you. Eventually i found out that you had basically died from having a severe panic attack. You told everyone that i caused your panic attacks so i guess it is fault? I sincerely believe you would still be alive if we never met.

 Your mother wouldn't let me go to your funeral, that's why i wasn't there. I wonder what you said to her about me, maybe she blames me too. I was kinda angry that people who bullied you went to your funeral but i didn't, i had to respect your mothers wishes of course. I went to the memorial school held, you wouldn't have liked it. They were just rambling about God. Lots of people were there for you though! When we were walking out some of your friends started shouting at me and i had to be escorted out w/ a teacher, sorry about that.

 Your mother doesn't want me to visit you either, i'm sure she has her reasons but i'd love to leave you some pretty flowers. I guess this is why i don't feel like you're really gone, i haven't seen your grave and i didn't see your casket. I just feel like you've simply moved away.

 Sometimes, i see you in the faces of strangers and i run after them. It's slightly awkward when it turns out that it's not you. I should stop doing that. I don't know if it's just my eyes playing tricks on me or if i subconsciously wish that those people were really you.

 I learned alot about myself through you, i'm sorry it took your death to make me realise. I promise to be more aware of how i affect people. I'll be more considerate. I'll pay more attention. I won't let this happen again.  I refused to believe that i could have such an effect on someone and i'm sorry that you had to go to the lengths that you did to gain my attention. I saw too much of myself in you, even if we were complete opposites emotionally. I felt like you knew exactly what i was thinking. You could see right through me and i'll admit, that scared me.

 I don't know why i wrote this. I wish i was religious sometimes so I could find solace in believing that you could hear me. I would write to you every day if i knew you could read it, I'd put more effort into it since this is a complete mess. I'd write much more eloquently and write something you deserve. In reality, i'm writing this for myself. I need to write down my memory of you before i forget. I want to remember everything, not just the good times. I want to remember the fights, the tears, the anger, that time you punched my best friend in the face instead of me. _Everything._ You were far from perfect, it's a disgrace to your memory to pretend that you were. Most people wrote about how much they loved you, how the world won't be the same without you. But i didn't love you, i won't lie. And the world will continue. Days will continue turning into nights. Time won't stop for you. We will continue our lives without you and before we know it, a year, 2 years will have passed. Isn't it funny how little of an effect we have on the world? We're all just statistics. We'll all disappear into history. Millions of people died last year, you're the only one who had such an impact on my life. You're not a statistic to me. I'd be a completely different person without you. So i promise i won't forget you, it is the least i can do.

There's so much i want to tell you but there's not enough time to speak to someone who might not be listening. I'm sorry i made so many of your 16 years shitty. If we meet again i'll make it up to you.