Keep Waiting

Remember when I used to make mini autobiographies on pastebin like every fucking month? Well, uh, I have quite a bit to add to those. Let me start with what's been happening irl over the past few days.

Wednesday, Dec. 12:
I was working on a group project with some friends: Emma, Katherine, Amanda, and Bella. For some weird reason we went around saying who was straight and who wasn't. They get to Bella and she says hell no. This was news for me-- I've had a crush on her since she came to the school like a month before, and I was waiting because I've learned the hard way many times, that, waiting is the answer. Not acting. But my stupid ass mind was like "you should ask her out!!!!11!1!!!11111!!11" But I didn't. Like an hour later at dismissal, some of my other friends were talking about the second most hated kid in the school: Olivia. Keep in mind this is a small school, so everyone knows everyone. At some point they mentioned Bella and since I have terrible hearing problems, I didn't know what they said about her. I asked them to repeat, and it turns out Bella and Olivia have been dating since like the fourth day Bella was there.

Thursday, Dec. 13:
Remember when I said I had learned the hard way that acting is a bad idea? Well, uh, guess what? I just might have let her know that I liked her, knowing fully well that she was already dating Olivia. It looked like she handled it well; after all, we were already good friends, and she is actually a good person, unlike Olivia. And it did seem to go well-- nothing major happened with her that day. There was a bunch of other bullshit that happened that day that definitely contributed to my bad mood, but it doesn't have anything to do with this story, so I'm gonna leave it out. Blah blah blah, Amanda and Sabrina (another friend) explained the bullshit drama to me on the bus, I got extremely pissed off, yada yada yada.

Friday, Dec. 14:
Amanda gets in-school suspension for literally throwing a bread crumb, while Star (the first most hated kid in the school) got off the hook for literally sexually harassing someone in the bathroom earlier in the year. That was infuriating, but I didn't act on it, because of the whole waiting thing. But other things happened. I can't say it from a firsthand perspective-- it happened in the lunch period I'm not in-- but I'll say what my friends explained to me. Bella says to Olivia something along the lines of "I love you." Olivia replies the same-- but in a low tone. Bella takes that as an insincerity, and they start arguing, eventually leading to Bella walking out, while Olivia is laughing hysterically. I saw Bella later in class, and she didn't look okay. She said she was, and of course, me being oblivious as all hell, I believed her. Then I saw her writing a note to Olivia, which I assumed to be a love letter of sorts-- I did that all the time with my partners, even if they were literally sitting right next to me. I couldn't tell what it said, I could barely make out "Liv" at the top. Well, turns out, that was no love letter. It was a breakup letter. Amanda told me on the bus that they broke up. I was extremely surprised, as I didn't know anything that had happened yet. She also said that Bella said she wasn't going to date anyone in the school again. Reasonable, but also sad.

Now, Dec. 14, about 5:00 PM:
Well, here I am, writing this. What's the point of explaining all of this? Well, it's because I think I caused it. I have a long history of saying one little thing and having that snowball into insane drama that winds up hurting me and/or my friends. Bella did tell me that she didn't tell Olivia that I liked her, but I think she may have found out via other means. I don't know how, since I threw the note away that I told her with right after I was done with it, but who knows? The school is a small place; once one person knows something, everyone else knows about it within a day. The likely thing is that Olivia was just being the asshole she is, and really didn't love her. But since my mind is stupid and thinks I cause everything, it thinks it was me for this, too. And I honestly don't know. My mood has been all over the fucking place all week, even before any of this shit happened, and that definitely didn't have a good effect on me. I lost another chance at a relationship, this month marking 10 months of being single. That's by far the longest I've gone since I started dating people back in 2015. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. All I know is that I need to go back to waiting. I don't even know what I'm waiting for, but whatever it is, I'm gonna Wait For It.