Hermes - Macho Madness

*MACHO MADNESS! SKYYYYY’S THE LIMIT! All you gotta do is give in to the MACHO MADNESS YEAH for your Miss Elizabeth and LEAVE IT TO ME! THE CREEEEEAM WILL RISE TO THE TOP!*

Did… did he mean what Hermes thought he meant?

*TOWER OF POWER!*

His whole life had been meticulously organized and carefully managed… to just throw it all away, even for a moment…

*SNAP INTO A SLIM JIM YEAH!*

Hermes looked to his team. All this time they’d fought for him, given everything they had, risked life and limb to protect him and each other… how could he ignore what they’d done for him? How could he be so cruel that he’d run and hide when his team needed him most? With a grim resolution he hadn’t felt in a long time, Hermes asked Macho Man what he needed to do.

*DO?! DON’T THINK! Whenever something to say comes to mind, YOU SAY IT! YEAH! Whenever something to do comes to mind YOU DO IT AND YOU GO ALL THE WAY YEAH! MACHO MADNESS doesn’t tolerate HALF-ASSING IT! Are you pickin’ up what I’m laying down or DO I HAVE TO REARRANGE YOUR PANCREAS FOR YOU TO GET IT!*

Without warning, Hermes began to bellow nonsense at the top of his lungs, complete gibberish that best resembled an angry gorilla or brain-dead sports announcer. He didn’t even notice that Gon and Danny had fallen, or that the enemy team had circled around him completely, but given how strangely he was behaving, they had opted to stare blankly rather than finish him off. After a while, the gibberish began to form itself into actual words, then sentences, and finally a tirade the likes of which none of them had expected from him.

“AND THEY CALL HIM THE BIONIC HEARTBREAK NATURE BOY HITMAN ELECTRIFYING PHENOM CEREBRAL ASSASSIN BARBER COWBOY SEXUAL CHOCOLATE LEGEND KILLER!”

He was surrounded on all sides. His entire team had been thoroughly defeated. His feet were frozen to the floor against three opponents. Given over to the power of Macho Madness entirely, Hermes did the most insane thing he could possibly imagine: he stepped out of his shoes, freeing his feet from the ice, and began to run barefoot for the turnbuckle.

“WHEN THE ALIENS CAME FOR THEIR TV SHOW, HE FOUGHT THEM OFF WITH WELL-DOCUMENTED CEASE AND DESISTS AND POORLY-WRITTEN DRAMA YEAH!”

Hermes clambered onto the first rope.

“WHEN THE- AUUGHHRIUGUH- WHEN THE GIGANTIC BENDING ROBOTS CAME, HE COWERED IN A CORNER, YEAH, UNTIL THEY GAVE UP AND RAN AWAY!”

Hermes stumbled a bit, but made it to the second rope.

“WHEN THE RAPTURE CAME, THE REST OF THE WORLD WAS DOOMED, UNTIL HE STEPPED IN, YEAH!”

He made it to the top rope. The enemy team looked up at him in confused awe, and he saw them as a king sees ants.

“THE LORD SPOKE FROM THE HEAVENS, AND HE SAID OOH YEAH YOU'RE ALLLLLL COMING WITH ME! AND THE ONLY ONE TO SAY OOH NO AND STOP THE WORLD FROM GETTING RAPTURED WAS THE ONE!”

He crouched.

“THE ONLY!”

He leapt.

“MACHO MAN HERMES CONRAD YEAH!”

His elbow drop hit Stone Cold in the shoulder, and rather than crumple in a heap, Hermes plowed right through, shearing his arm and the side of his torso and left leg off like a saw blade. He plummeted to the mat and punched a hole right through it, and the crowd roared with surprise and excitement as Kai screamed, a third of his body torn away leaving blood spilling onto the canvas.

It was only the beginning of Hermes’ brutal victory.

It didn’t make sense. Nothing made sense anymore. He was a lump of fat and tears mere moments before everything changed. Valkorion could do nothing. Dedede could do nothing. They’d underestimated him, clearly, and the way he held Kai’s severed head like a trophy made it equally clear that they would pay for their mistake with their lives unless they could do something.

**WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?! WHAT THE FUCK IS EVEN HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?!** screamed one of the announcers.

**STONE COLD TRIED TO FREEZE HIM AND IT AMOUNTED TO NOTHING! WITH HIS ARM EXTENDED, HERMES TORE IT OFF AND BEAT HIM WITH IT UNTIL HIS HEAD CAME OFF!**

***

Round 10, FreestyleKneepad