The passing of my loving mom (TRIGGER WARNING)

I'm unsure how I should put this into words. I have no way to express this properly, even if I tried. This is perhaps the absolute worst thing I've felt by far, and I can tell you've been in the same boat as well, if you're reading this journal. This may contain some triggering information, so if you're uncomfortable reading past this point, I totally understand. This is too much, even for me. But if you wish to read on, get comfortable because it might be a very long one.

Today, my mom is confirmed to have passed away, at 2:04 PM. Last Tuesday, I found her lying on the floor after having a severe heart attack and as I tried to get her up, she simply fell down again. I was tasked by the 911 operator to perform CPR until the ambulance came. It was my first time trying to do proper CPR, and they managed to find a pulse in her. A very weak one, but still a pulse nonetheless. Days pass by, she's seen as completely unconscious, and the doctors have been doing everything they can to find a solution. The MRI scans show that she had severe brain damage due to the heart attack that caused it, and as the days go by, not much progress was made. Then today, I paid a visit to the hospital once more. My dad was there, and so was my brother and sister-in-law. We all stayed in the hospital room as they did more testing on her, and... she didn't make it. The heart attack was so bad that as they removed the ventilator to let her breathe on her own... her heart finally gave out. She's gone. No more.

I've never felt so distraught in my whole life. My other family members felt just as distraught as I did. I held her hand in a last bit of hope to bring her back... but to no avail. She's long gone... forever... I wish I never took her for granted so much. She helped me through a lot of shit when I was a little kid, when I was first diagnosed with autism, and having to get my tonsils removed at the age of 3... She managed to make me talk after so many years that I was unable to. She even hosted her own autism center and made plenty of new friends along the way. She was the one that had my back no matter what, and she was the most sensible parent I've ever had. Seven years ago, she's had her first stroke, caused by a failed surgery attempt. Since then, she had hospital visit after hospital visit, constant changes of medication, and different procedures done on her to help her last a little bit longer. She was quite the fighter along the way, trying to endure all the pain she had to go through. And she did a fuckin' great job at surviving until the very end. And then last week, up until today... she gave her last breath. A truly valiant warrior passing on by in her best attempt at survival. She truly had the spirit of a panther.

If it weren't for my mom, I probably wouldn't be where I am today. I wouldn't be able to talk at all, I wouldn't be able to learn new things, try new experiences, and gain the strength needed to make it past until the dawn on time. I wouldn't have met all you lovely people who remain by my side to this day. And to that I say, thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Thank you, to whoever is still reading this, for sticking around with me to this day. And to my mom, wherever her spirit resides from here on out... thank you for everything. You've truly helped me out with so much. You really are a hero in my eyes, and many others as well. I'm sorry for all the mistakes I've made in the past. I wish I did better in the past, and I wish I learned my lesson a little faster, and I hope from this point, to move onto new heights and gain more strength to make it to the top of the peak.

I may be inactive for a little bit, as I have so many thoughts floating through my head about what I'm going to do in the near future. But I will be back soon, I promise. Things... will be different, for better or for worse. We won't know for sure until weeks, hell, maybe months from now. Once again, thank you all for sticking around with me to this day, and thank you for reading this lengthy journal post. I hope you all have a good day, and, as a form of advice, please stick by whoever is very close to you, be there for them, always. Be there for your best friends, family members, whatever people you hold close to you. Life is full of surprises, you'll never know what happens next. That is all, have a wonderful day.