Criminal Anon

Chapter 1


>be me, the getaway driver from a decent crew
>we stole some good shit today
>some gold, some swords, some wands, some talking tree, and some knight armor
>don’t care it was being sent to a school of magikids and special talents
>this shit pays for our injuries and all of our dreams
>not mine yet tho
>closing up shop after we got back
>toss my lizard head mask to the van
>hide my glock 21 in passenger’s compart and a glow set of binoculars next to the road flares
>.45 acp always shoots out tires or engines
>The trigger or loading is not a problem I swear
>binocs work in daylight and nightlight up to my ex’s house at night
>I’m pretty sure we don’t need to see each other but damn her to lead hell if she gets to my stuff again
>probly gonna get the cigar later
"Heyy…"
>oh it's the talking tree
>the kind carved from a short log or a stone
>maybe a mascot totem or something
"You all will regret taking me away from the school..."
>oh when will I not?
>put some tape in its mouth for good measure
>hear the secret knocking from outside
>drag open the door
>it’s the team leader, sniper Joe, looking pretty clean as always
>He sniped the wyvern zappers before I got on the scene
>I still don’t know how he got that gun he calls a HTR
>what’s up?
>he rips off his Richard Pryor mask (he's sure he got the hair and mustache right)
>okay what's the trouble, we got everything right
Anon, you fucked up
>what do you mean
>he shows me recorded newsfeed on his phone
>oh shit it's Frank and Gizzard hauling the loot on mobility scooters for old giants coming to the right
>you can tell because Frank wears George R. R. Martin and Gizzard wears George Lopez
>they move slowly while the massive seat protects the two of them from flashes of light from the left
>Frank the elf is dual wielding MP5s while Gizzard the ork is shooting back with a hi-power while driving
>Frank isn't firing white tracers
>he's firing calcification rounds
>the police mages get pushed back faster than they can advance, but they put down heavy fire around the scooter
>then blue wyverns with white and black stripes fly by
>they have riders with electricity dancing at their lances
>Frank and Gizzard looks like they're going shit themselves when they get surrounded
>they fire accurately, but every shot seems to get stopped by an invisible shield on the wyverns
>Frank gets shot in the arm by a zap lightning, making him lose his grip and have to hide behind the scooter
>the scooter has to keep moving, despite the wyverns dive bombing and grabbing loot
>the police mages decide to get closer
>but then BOOM, spray of blood all over the street
>Another BOOM, bucket o' blood covering the sidewalk
>Then the last BOOM, red sunscreen coating Frank and Gizzard
>all in just 10 seconds
>then I come in
>aw yeah, me running over a wyvern
>it’s the van dropping rolling smoke bombs from doors
>before I pulled over tho, I think my horn told the mages to get off the road
>then the smoke fogs up the entire street
>heavy smoke comes out of the van's roof like I hoped
>so that the newsfeed couldn't see the loot filling up the van
>and Frank and Gizzard running to hide in an apartment they got under totally normal conditions
>thank you magic fire insurance for giving gypsum-based plaster sprays I used to fire proof the van
>then it's when the newsfeed ends
>how?
>Like everything Joe planned, he forced the police to fall back by shooting the newsfeed camera
>oh and so the smoke wouldn't get fanned away
>and that's what happened
>it's been 4 hours since
>and nothing's happened yet
>we’re fine Joe, but I can probably torch the van like last time
"No, you can’t, I got a hold of police dossier and they say a fairy tracker is missing"
>the fuck
>I even put the anti-magic stickers and anti-spirits stuff
>Those things even ward off tracker fairies like silver with vampires
"Look at the traffic light."
>he replays the video
>I look and then I see it
>something actually flew off before the smoke came and got close to the van
>and then it flew to the scooter's large cart
>fuck
"Anon..."
>that's crazy, my van's stickers...
"Find that tracker NOW, or we'll be zapping dummies by next morning!"
>tear open the chest
>we poured it all out
>just gold
>acetylene torch the sords and armors to hear anything
>nothing
>ah fuck
>it was the talking tree thing
>Joe knows it too
>because he grabbed it
>and threw it on the ground
>then there was the fucking fairy
>plopped on the floor like a dead pigeon
>covered in splinters and shredded blue cloth
>holding a dull black plastic blinking thing
>coughing up fairy blood
>wings slowly disintegrating at the edges
>a fallen angel
>if it were not the vengeful smile
>cracking but showing on a sallow face
"Get fucked, thieves."
>Joe suddenly jumps
>like high
>and then he lands on top
>grinding to oblivion
>I need to getaway
>because I didn't know fairy blood made good dye for shoes
"The tracker's signal was weak inside this place, but it kept going to make a blip on the police radar."
"it's been 4 hours, but now we maybe got 10 minutes before we get ass raided."
>then let’s get out NOW
>pile the loot and heavy tools inside the van
>lead a leaking can from inside and outside the shop
>see the gas is on everything
>light one, take a quick puff for the road, and throw it on the gas
>Joe slams the shop door before the cig contacts
>see under the door a bit of smoke
>a shame
>for the space loaners
>we weren't going to build a medicinal shop for elves
>but after this, it’s payd-
>SLAM
>-ay…
>don’t even feel the ground when I hit it
>sleep’s good
>wake up
>I'm at some beach under a city dock
>shredded yellow stripe black tape in the sand
>moonlight is leaking thorough the dock's open holes
>I’m tied with tape to the van in the driver’s
>I feel the pedal’s forced to neutral with a brick
>this doesn’t look good
>I hear footsteps coming from above, walking down closer
>it's motherfucking Joe, looking too cool
>he walks to the sand, chatting on the phone with his back to me
"Anon’s going on vacation. He says we’ll see him in New Zealand if we want him again."
>WHAT.disbelief
"It’s good Gizzard. He got his share of the loot, and you’ll get yours soon."
>No I didn't you sonuvabitch
>wait why can't I hear my words, when I’m not taped?!
Hold on, my daughter’s here. See ya.
>struggle against the tape
>but no one can escape waterboarding tape
>Backstabber saunters over to me while I try to get out
Anon, sorry to do this, but I really need your share.
>spit in his face because I can but the motherfucker takes it
You better not tell anyone about this okay?
>I can and will if I get outta this
Oh right you can’t. I did something to your throat. Now whatever thing down there gets ya, no one will hear
>he bends MY side view mirror to show my throat
>what the fuck is that?
Permanent seal of silence Anon. Unless you wanna carve out a new tongue or get a new body, you’ll be silent for a long while, leaving me and the other guys to enjoy our new wealth in peace.
Plus, I now have the leverage to fuck the elf detective and ask for immunity
>it all makes sense
>the dark elves were behind this
>they must have paid joe to do this
>shit
>hear some swooshing
"Looks like your ride ends here"
>it’s a goddamn portal to the fantasy world
>fucking shit
>Joe pulls out my lizard head mask from his coat, just looking at it one last time
"If only it was like Goblex Rolex at Vegas..."
>what
>Only My Ex and I met there
>and we just broke up...
>HOW DO YOU KNOW HER YOU MASSIVE BACK MAGGOT
"I should have cut you loose long ago, but Anon, you did do some good escaping for what it was worth"
>I get hammered with a sucker punch
>feel my mask being slipped on
>really want a cigar right about now
>black out when the van starts moving
>everything is shaking for a little bit
>then
>I wake up
>what in fresh hell is this
>still stuck
>vision isn't so good
>but someone is here next to me in the van
>it's someone in medical looking clothes
>tight
>she has a hand on my face
OH my heavens, this man is alive! Quick I need an air tank here!
>she...
>she looks fuckable with eyes like those
>kind innocent ones
We have good people coming for you, just hang in there!
>vision coming back
>look outside
>4 uniformed long haired or short haired shapes at some ambulance
>One of them is extra curvy and wearing the overalls
>She is REDHAIRED
>gotta get out for dat poosy
>fight against the tape
Sir! Don't overexert yourself! We-
>I can break these cuffs.jpg on my face
>you can't break those cuffs.jpg on blonde's face
>UURGGHHHRRRRAAAAAAAAAAH
>my muscles tense
>the breathing outside also gets tense
>hear the snaps
>hear nearby buttons pop
>And i'm free
>well well, what do we have here
>you didn't have to carry out the stretcher and air tank for big ol' me
>you already have your heavy loads to carry
>like your honking headlights and extra space trunks
>strapped on so tight like locknuts on headlights
>I could change oil all day with you lot
>okay enough euphemisms
>let's make them real
>reach for the "special pills" next to the chloroform compartment
>you know for handling extra girls
*war horn*
>what the fuck is that?
>scrawny little things
>no wait
>it's damn kobolds riding horses with flaming spears
Sex the females! Sex the females!
>aw dammit
>now they're taking the girls away just after their uniforms tore
>even the redheaded one
Shiny! Get the SHINY!
>what
>oh god they're going after me and the blonde
>turn the key
>6litergo
>after accelerating for one second, shift to Drive4
>reversedrive
>I ram some kobolds on their stupid horses with my van's reinforced behind
>shiny van's mine cave fuckers
*war horn*
>oh...no
>the kobolds brought in backup
>bigger and heavier looking horses with nastier looking kobolds
>they look ready for a jousting?
>and they're getting CLOSER
>clutch to Drive1
>tightly hold the hand of the blonde
But-!
>don't worry baby.johnny bravo
>what_matters_is_that_youre_with_me.jpg on my face
>let's ride
>just before the bastards get close, I'm already gone
>damn they're really persistent
>reach for the glock
>not there
>wait WHAT
>the blonde took my glock
>she's one handing it at some chasers
>her muscles tense vibrantly at every shot she makes
>as delicate as she is, she's savage beautiful
>rear mirror shows the bloodworks and fireworks she's making
>aw yeah sparks are flying
>gotta show my own firepower
>I always have a spare gun in the vans I use
>use the torn tape as rope to keep the van going in one direction
>use suspiciously familiar brick to keep the pedal to the metal
>right
>drive safe kids
>adults ride dangerously
>unlock the side door and back door of the van
>the blonde quickly moves her way to the side door
>"EET MY HOT LEAD YA STINKING MILKSOPS"
>scottish?
>eh that's okay
>heft my spare out from under the seat
>my 20 round ruger mini 14
>take position at the back door
>push my door open
>oh the kobolds on their horses...
>are just targets for me and my 5.56 thrower
>after the first shot I make, I take it all in
>we're driving over flat peaceful pasture
>well not so peaceful
>there's so much fucking grass and some yellow flowers here and there
>but the wind washes over my face like the blonde's hand over mine
>the chaser shrieking and horse feet thundering and engine humming
>the smell of gunpowder and gunmetal discharge
>shoulder thumping from the firing
>each riderless horse running away
>the sight of each fallen kobold
>each dropped casing
>ah this is bliss
>is this a good time for a catchphrase?
>yes
...
>wait what
>I can't say my catchphrase
>ah
>AH
>AAAAAHHH
>Why can't I say anything?!
>wait what the kobolds are still getting closer
WHAM
>FUCK
>the fucking van crashed
>but there weren't any hills or holes I saw while I drove
>not a thing I haven't experienced thankfully
>but my head lodged under the seat is a new one
>and that the van is in a big sinkhole with the back to the sky
>shit shit shit
>pull my head out
>oh shit no the kobolds arrived
>they're peering inside
>where the fuck is my ruger
>a kobold throws down a sword
>wait what
>a weapon
>I feel like I should grab that
>the blonde grabs it first
>okay sure that's good
>I'll just keep them at range with-
Kill the man human girl, and we will spare you!
>the blonde looks at the sword
>then at me
>come on you can't be serious
Tell me sir, do ya like living
>what an odd question
>I do lady, but-
Tell me, before I gut ya
>now wait I can tell you, but I just can't say anything at the moment
>nodding works right?
Tell me
>back away
>I really do, but I just can't-
>nodding is supposed to work
>but IT'S NOT WORKING
TELL ME
>then her eyes
>they're no longer kind
>They're NOT INNOCENT
>I back to the wall away from her
>pull out pocket sand
>throw it at her eyes
>but eyes are just glass
>she stares me down
Kill the man! Kill the Man!
>NO
>ready my hands in defiance
>pull the first punch
>AH GOD
>MY HAND
>my blood leaks all around me and the fucking blonde
>fall to my knees
>my fucking stump
>my hand twitches around, dirty and bloodied
KILL THE MAN! KILL THE MAN! KILL THE MAN!
>it's getting dark
>look up
>the blonde is holding up the sword
>the chanting and fire above us starts to fade from my sight
>oh why
>is it really it
>I took you away from them
>shouldn't we have stuck together?
>we could have faced them all
>goddamn it all
>can't see anything by the time the sword comes down
>feel like falling
>like falling really fast
>then I wake up breathing hard
>my eyes are fucking wet again
>I don't want to remember dreams like that
>never again
>now where am I
>why am I in my van?
>what is my mask around my face?
>what are the twigs and broken glass on the seats here for?
>oh shit I'm trapped in...tape?
>waterboarding tape
>how in the world did I-
>oh I remember now
>that goldman jew Joe just backstabbed me for extra money and pussy
>I gotta get back at him for this
>we were all supposed to live it down good after the portals started appearing everywhere
>with richass CEOs to fucking furries drooling for magic stuff, special providers like me could get rich altogether
>but no
>I end up here taped to my anti-magic van trapped in some godforsaken other world
>I'll be eaten by the wildlife here before I can get my revenge
>but what can eat me alive in this forest?
>I don't know
>well living in da city all of your life does that for ya
>ah fuck what is that in my chest
>well
>at least I didn't die in my sleep impaled by trees
>but this twig hurts like a bitch
>damn it smells like one of those greenhouses I passed by
>shimmy my arms around
>looks like the twigs that impaled me made a nice hole for the tape
>damn it
>my arms can't reach it
>but the twigs that already stabbed me can probably cut through the tape if I just-
>hear something knock on the van
>what
>OH SHIT PLAY FUCKING DEAD
>go limp and close my fucking eyes
>hear sharp heavy clangs against the floor of the van
>come on stupid animal, i don't care just piss or poop and get outta here
>the clangs get closer to me
>oh shit I forgot animals can eat dead things too
>did I take a bath before I got here?
>the clangs stop
>feel some sort of hand touch my neck
>hear like the threads of long skinny metal bolts scratching across
>at this point alarmed at how this thing is looking for my pulse
>not gonna feel it through the mask's plastic
…not long since for his passing. Looks like…fresh kill for me.
>hoarse or not, that’s a fucked up voice
>oh wait, is that thing that talked a fucking skinwalker!?
>aw fuck my life more than it already it was
>feel something go for my impaled chest
Dry blood…Wearing soft garment. Close to Goochi ware. Black and white colors. Not sure why this is not iron skin or cow skin.
>cow skin? Iron skin? Also I never wear that other brand
>hear snipping sounds
>hairraisingchills.jpg
>surprise, I’m slowly carried out and placed outside
>the grass tickles my hands, but play dead through it
>my arms are lifted and placed across on my chest
>hear something rustle and rest in front of me
Thank you again, mysterious giver of gifts, for another gift today. Hopefully this lizardman will find a nice place in the afterlife.
>wait this thing prays for the dead?
Even if I do not like the light, the sun was out today and showed me where there were traveler’s tracks. I was able to find extra food-
>fuck this
>silently roll myself away from this thing
>I think the van's this way
>oh damn I can't roll up this hill
>Oh WOAH
>damn it gravity
>my head is resting on something
>THESE ARE WEIRD soft STICKS I'M FEELIN
Oh! But-
>aw shit
I thought you were dead!
>my eyes open
>look up at ragged green and brown clothes
>improvised camo would even make veteran hobos weep because I can clearly see a woman's torso
>oh wait
>my eyes open more
>past the torn and taped green brown clothes
>past the set of 6 splayed lithe gray arms
>past the underside of 2 x 6 oz oil jugs
>are 4 eyes owned by a face shrouded in shade
>arranged like 4 green lasers in the dark
>aimed straight at me
>I roll away as this
>woman
>thing
>darts away like a cobra from those nature shows
>we lock eyes once we're separated
>quickly size her up while getting up
>ignore the pain
>okay, she's wearing some sort of cloak
>6 arms and 2 legs
>wind picking up to show a fair angular face under the hood with messy brown
>it's like bad ending Cinderella meets resident evil with these little things coming out of her mouth
>best description I can come up with
>but it tells me this isn't a person
>this is a predator
>one of those fast strike types
>the types that kill with venom or savage slashes
>but personally
>I've felt I could always stomp on any one of these types
>that's right
>I still have my mask on
>I've already intimidated her from how scared she looks
>I'm much bigger than her
>and with that
>I get up and turn away
>spot the van
>fucking ignore how my chest feels being torn in 2
>walk towards the van
>walk slowly and confidently because my vertigo from being hammered is acting up
>hear a crunching sound behind me
Hey-you
>AHJEEZUSCHRIST
>elbow bash what's behind me
>fuck my vertigo because my fear is stronger
>jump in the back and lock it up
>goddamn it now I have to hotwire from this angle
>reach around
>hear the familiar jangling
>oh what the keys are still in the ignition
>but why
>not gonna question it yet
>turn it, ignite it and gun it
>look in the outside rear view mirror in reflex
>when I backed up, I got close to the thing I elbow bashed
Wait for me-
>door bash the thing this time
>get the fuck outta there
>oh sigh of relief
>it's a road that could only be made by city folk
>little bumpy and looks a little dirty tho
>right, current priorities
>priority 1: find a place to fix my hole
>road has to lead to a hospital or a clinic
>priority 2: gotta find a place to hide this van
>a cave, a hole, a really big hill, anything
>priority 3: take inventory
>how much money I have now and what I can make so I buy back something valuable
>see my fucked up neck
>oh yeah that fuck bent my side mirror
>bend it back so I can see behind
>what the trees aren't supposed to be swaying like that
>oh my bleeding hole
>it's the FUCKING
>THING CHASING ME IN THE TREES
>keep ignoring the bumps in the road
>Cmon tires don't bust on me
>the fucker better not be chasing in the thic-
>THING IS STILL CHASING
>weave through the trees like drunken niggs in public
>Car boosters would be proud of the 50 mile speed I'm pulling
>but the damage is gonna be a bitch to repair
>okay getting off road
>woah there is this clearing here
>stumps and rocks and ditches everywhere
>it's alright now that I can drive freely for a little bit
>oh WHAT THE FUCK the scary bitch is still chasing me
>then I see this great, large wall of wood made of trees
>is this some sort of elf village?
>I try to turn, but the terrain seems to turned into mud
>can't change direction or pull the brakes
>I've been moving fast on momentum the entire time I saw the wall
>goddamnit
>If I'm crashing, I'm gonna at least have the back meet wood first
>clutch to drive 4
>turn left like I'm backing up for cargo at the speed of deja vu
>ye, turned the van around just in time to see the thing still chasing me
>it looks sad for me
>like I'm going to kill myself
>why?
>oh wait forgot the seatbelt
CWRUNCH
>jump up in my seat before I could do anything
>see parts of wall falling down on the hood
>it was all plywood and fake tree wood
>the thing that was chasing me stopped at a hole that wasn't there
>but it doesn't matter because it's going to be far away from the van
>going far away...
>OH FUCK I'M STILL IN REVERSE
BAAAAAAAAAAAAAM
>slam my head hard on the wheel
>aw shit
>that's whiplash for ya
"OI! WOT FUCK FUCKED MY SHOP"
>what's this smell of oil and rock?
"YOU! WHAT AR YOU DOING HERE!?"
>is that a little red headed man I see
>oh no the black is setting in
>fuck, going dark
"IMMA PUT A BOLT IN YA SO HARD-"
>faint






Chapter 2


>be me
>anon who was kicked into the new world expected to die in a forest
>instead ran into a fucking scary spider thing and crashed into a village before passing out
>now slowly waking up after passing out
>why's the ceiling close to me
>move my arm up
>woah I already feel like I could smash my head if I jumped to it
>try to get up
>get pricked by something small in every spot I try to move
>fucking tiny ass toolroom
>small locked metal boxes, rows and rows of screwdriver sets,
>tattered yellow blueprints, old looking power-tools,
>oil cans, and other numerus tools stuff on surrounding, suddenly irritating shelves
>a smaller bed meant for a kid was moved to the side
>an open door that looks half my height
>and a dozen oil rags covering my entire body except my head
>how the fuck did I get in this
>I want out
>hear some thundering
"-have a bleeding massive car in my own shop! And filled with human funs and other shite!"
>what
>THAT'S MY STUFF
"-ana lil' bit more iron an gunpowder, I moight get to take on the godforsaken black bellend Queen!"
>what the fuck's a bellend Queen
>try to speak
>oh right, I can't
>"But I got this barely dead human with me that I got no business with-Then I gotta start feedin-No wait!"
>oh it's a little man with a red beard
>dirty blue overalls and little rubber boots
>"OI! You awake human?"
>I raise myself
>and cause a few shelves to shake
>"WOAH Keep it down! We don't want those bastards coming after us now!"
>okay what bastards?
>ah there we go, sitting up without making stuff all
>"You know, those lizard things you find at least 3 of when ya see em?"
>"The little lizard things that YIP YIP like your annoying rat dogs?"
>"THE THIEVING MAGGOT HIDES THAT TAKE YOUR EVERYTHING?"
>shed shakes a little
>"AND EVERYBODY BETRAYS YOU BECAUSE OF-YAAAAUUUAAA"
>angry little man noises.wav causes dust to stir
>I guess 'everything' is not here, or there
>but what do kobolds have to do with everything
>now the little man is calming down
>he unslings one of those flasks walking towards me
>"alright hughman, you don't know what sugar factory you crashed into, didya?"
>nod no?
>the guy doesn't care and just blinds me with his teeth shining
>little man then takes 2 glass goblets from the shelf and pours his stuff into them
>I take the one with the browner color
>not a bad sip of something warm
>"this place you threw yourself into ain't a dwarven Brewster mountain fo your sunday blues. No NO!"
>he pulls from behind this map of a mountain, titled Mountain of Malcara
>"It's a War Fortress for the green scum under da rock, Queen Velda!"
>cue an afternoon long tour of what is really a massive gun forge disguised as a mountain brewery
>except inside an outside shed
>deep beneath us, there are several big ass caverns where families of slaves mine metals
>they also smash them into smaller pieces, and refine them into war steel in long processing lines
>supposedly a whole power plant is down there getting electricity from volcanic heat
>then over that, but both under and above the ground, are the factories, farms, and workshops
>enough hardware and goods in there is enough to convince inspectors that it's only for brewing
>and they skip the weapon rooms, soldier's quarters, and more
>so much more
>like stolen treasure, torture chambers, propaganda production, scary stuff
>but how?
>'dwarf ingenuity' says the little bearded man
>"but it all belongs to the war mongering queen now"
>the little man clenches his hands
>"We got to the mountain first, before those little smelly whelps."
>"and we fought"
>the little man removes a large dusty pickaxe from a shelf
>oh it's like a glorious royal stick of silver I saw in the museum, but a pickaxe
>but there's missing stuff on it
>wait a minute
>"oh yes fought, and we were so good at it too"
>suddenly he swings
>like damn hard and fast into a can of oil
>black drips all over it
>"but then SHE came, and it went wrong. It went all wrong."
>the little man throws the can out the door and puts back the pickaxe
>"SHE made it all wrong."
>he looks at me with white in his eyes
>oh that is a red nose
>you could say it glows
>with age
>and rage
>"okay hughman, I know this is gonna be crazy, but what if you help me take back my mountain and brothers"
>no
>"and you get all the gold, jewels, and anything that bitch stole that can fit in the car I found ya in."
>umm...maybe? Yes?
>"don't worry, I know how to overthrow a queen. And work with hughmans."
>okay you had me with gold and money I could make
>fuck, my chest tho
>"Aw, not feeling too good are ya? okay I'll be right back with someone I know"
>I wait a little bit
>nothing should happen for a little bit so I decide to get out of the room slowly
>after kneeling and walking under the door, I'm out in this hangar like room
>there's no light in this curved ceiling with the light coming from outside
>plus it feels smaller than it should be when the doors
>jeez, it feels like kids raised in a metal foundry made this place
>oh maybe
>but there it is, the van with all of my stuff lain out