April 2017

I have to go dark for the rest of April. Not because I want to, but because I don't pay rent so that makes me as good as a 15 year old.

If I had the option, I would just move out. But working part time makes that virtually impossible, unless I blow literally all of my savings. Working full time at this point apparently isn't an option unless I don't go back to school next fall, because (as I just found out yesterday, on the brink of being offered a full time position) that would require a full year's commitment.

The position I applied for was taken in August by someone who took random half hour breaks, didn't make sales numbers, called out of work frequently, and ultimately left on bad terms. I was the only runner up for that position in August, when I could have committed for a full year. Would have been nice to know then that that was my last shot.

So I make marginally more than minimum wage, part time, and can't feasibly get another job either because every job that would hire me would be a "conflict of interests" with my current job. I learned this the hard way by applying to work at Gamestop, getting hired, and promptly never being given a schedule until my seasonal position no longer existed, at which point I was fired.

So full time is out. Double part time is out. I'm already as far as I can get in the process of enrolling back in school in the fall, literally waiting for April 24th so I can actually sign up for classes. I go to the job I have on time, do the best I can (again, to the point of being offered a full time spot), and come home and socialize with friends on Discord, Twitch, Twitter. Once or twice a week I go out with friends as well. I'm doing good work, considering this time last year my mental health and routine and social life were in threads.

But somehow, doing all that as a night owl is wrong. And playing games in my free time is an addiction. And disagreeing with those sentiments makes me an asshole. Being calmer about how well I'm going to do in school, hiding how anxious I am to go back and knock that shit out, makes me apathetic.

And the way to prove I'm addicted is to take my conversation with a random tilted Overwatch player out of context, bring it up at family dinner in front of grandma and grandpa, and tell everyone how I told some guy on the internet to "just go die." In-game, I might add, not in real life. His spawns were desynced and he was trickling.

My mother drinks the better part of a bottle of wine per night. She's had gastric bypass surgery to lose weight, makes her stomach the size of your fist to force you not to eat as much. She used to weigh 350 pounds, shes a foot and a half shorter than me, and she still weighs more than me. The surgical solution to food addiction. The "bypass" part means her digestive tract skips the small intestine, which processes sugars and other chemicals, including alcohol. Meaning that instead of breaking down most alcohol before absorbing it into the blood stream, it breaks down less than 1%. A glass of wine to her is like 4 to anyone else. I'll reiterate that she drinks between half and all of a bottle of wine per night. Basically she's replaced food addiction with alcoholism.

Somehow, if by some miracle I get home, and she's home, and she hasn't stayed late at work, and she's not out with her friends, and she's not already passed out from the drinking she's done, then she's currently drunk. Apparently in that case, it's on me to carry out a conversation with her, when I can smell the fruity boozy breath and she's on a high arc of her mood swings. I'm the bad guy for not wanting to deal with her in that state.

So basically, I'm not going to play any games for the rest of April, and she's not going to drink for the rest of April. Despite the fact that I have nothing left to prove regarding my ability and stability when I go back to school, she's deadass determined that I do. We'll see who caves first, and hopefully this time next year I can move out of the fucking state and be done with her bullshit.