4chan Hazbin Hotel story - eternal hell

from /hhg/ - Hazbin Hotel #353
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Comedy hard

>I felt the bullet go through my head, it was a searing pain followed by the sensation of falling.
>On instinct I swung my arms out wide and opened my eyes. I was falling from the sky. Below me a large red city.
>I splat against the concrete, but I don't die. Barely even felt the impact, shame it didn't kill me. I just offed myself and now I need to do it again.
>Looking around at this place, it looks like Detroit but edgy.
>Guess that means I'm in Hell.
>and like Detroit there are always gunshots in the distance. I follow them until I see a small rat man with a tommy gun.
"Hey, you."
>He stops his gangwaring and looks at me. "Whatcha need?"
"Can you shoot me?"
>He raises an eyebrow then blows my brains out.
>Finally some endless void, I didn't kill myself so I could end up in hell.
>.....
>.....
>....
>....
>I'm not dead. I wake up on a sofa in a run down motel lobby. Some bear crossbreed is breathing down my neck waiting for me to move.
>I clear my throat.
>"Hai, Welcome to the Happy Hotel! The only Hotel in Hell that works to rehabilitate sinners!"
"Okay." I begin to sit up, taking in the rest of the room. A spiderman giving me that little finger dance wave that prostitutes do and one girl with a spear. "Yeah, I'm trying to die, so if you could help me out. Maybe, got a gun or something?"
>The bear-girl-demon's face changes from excitement to depressed. "Why would you ever want to kill yourself?"
".
-
I'm tired of existing."
>"Cmon, but you have so much to live for! I know Hell sounds bad, but you haven't even tried it yet, there's probably something here that will cure your depression."
I clench my fist "I don't need some manic pixie dream girl savior. I'm not fucking depressed. I'm tired of existing. It's my body and I choose to not exist anymore!"
>She backs away, the girl with the spear is approaching us, weary of my yelling.
>"Well too bad, dick weed, the only way to be erased is by the angels during the purge."
"When's the purge?"
>"In 360 days from now." The bear demon girl chirps up.
"You're fucking me." I groan.
>"No she's fucking me!" The fiery Latino interrupts.
>"I'll fuck you both." the spider chimes in
-
>The next notable thing to happen was when the red dude with the funny voice came in.
>”How do you do my green skinned friend?”
“Alive and well, much to my chagrin.”
>Charlie buts in, explaining that I’m a new arrival to their rehab center and the gist of how I got here.
>”Cheer up, a smile would compliment your oddly dapper suit nicely.”
“Fuck off, I aint depressed, just suicidal.”
>Charlie places her hands on my shoulder. “I know you’re new here.” Pause “But you shouldn’t talk to Alistar like that. He’s kinda a” another pause, then in a quiet voice. “Homicidal hell lord.”
>My ears perk up on that.
“Ey period suit, fuck my shit up, cunt!”
>He just smiles at me, a smile a little too wide.
>Charlie immediately tries to defend me “Before you get all demony. He’s new, he doesn’t know any better.”
“I know what I’m doing. I'm trying to get him to kill me.”
>Alistar just laughs it off. Pushing Charlie aside. “Say my green friend, how would you like to go to sleep till the next purge.”
“I’d love t-”
>Charlie cuts me off “We can’t rehabilitate him if he’s asleep.”
>”He won’t be sinning if he’s asleep.”
>”He won’t be doing anything if he’s asleep! How can he atone for his sins if he is sleeping?”
>”He can’t topple any governments if he’s asleep either.”
>Me? Topple a government? When would I do that, the only way I’d be forced to take such measures is if my goal was behind some wall. Not a time wall, but an actual barrier, I spent 25 years alive on earth, I can wait another. There is something I don’t know. Something big brained. This dude is a big guy around here. He’s too far up his own ass to lie like that for his own amusement.
-
“If I want eternal sleep then I have to topple Hell?”
>”No no no, nothing like that my green friend. Get the thought out of your head”
>He’s lying to get me to not topple his regime. I know what I must do.
>I stand up and leave the room. Charlie tries to stop me, but I just dodge around her.
>How does one overthrow a government? People on earth did it a lot, but I was never in any of those groups.

“Hey you.”
>The imp looking guy points to himself. “Me?”
“Help me overthrow the government.”
>”Okay.”
>Just like that? Well this will be easy.
>I’ll save you the “Son of a bitch. I’m in.” Portion of this story. At the end of the night. I had acquired three loyal companions.
> A furry named Russ as in Russell terrier, it was his fursona back on earth and is now his form in hell. Bring new meaning to yiff in hell.
>Then we got Comrag, an imp who is tired of being raped by the larger demons. He’s super skittish, most likely from his PTSD from the rapes. There are no therapists in hell, (unless you count Gustave Gilbert) but with my extensive time spent around therapists I can serve as a counselor for him. He even has an emotional support animal.-
-
>Which is Russ. I assigned Russ the job of emotional support animal.
>Finally we have Bruce. He’s a dude in a suit of armor. Can’t talk on account of his tongue being cut out, but that just adds to his rich and mysterious back story.
>that no one will ever know.
>Because his tongue was cut out.
>”So where’s our base.”
“Base?”
>”Where are we going to set up shop?”
“Uhhhh…”
>I scan the surrounding street. It’s set up like a strip mall. The shops all lined up are porn store, drug store, porn store, porn and drug store, pharmacy, and a shop that has been looted recently.
“There.”
>I point to the broken into shop.
>”We’re going to steal a pharmacy?”
”No we’re going to squat in the abandoned store.”
>”Lame, can’t we just rob someone of their store?”
“If we were bad people we would.”
>Russ looks over at Comrag with an eyebrow cocked.
>”You know where we are right?”