Thread 43: Stories 16-30

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>Later
>Renames Moby Dick "Moby CHANGELING", capitals included
>Renames ahab to YOU, GWEN, again with capitals included
>Cliffnotes added to the end saying "THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS! THIS IS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENS!"
>Includes little crayon pictures of Gwen losing to Chitania, with their kids crying off on the side
>Gwen: "...I don't get it... and why the hell is there a little question sheet asking 'and why don't you wear the nice thong I got you anymore?' on it? Why would the book ever need to know that!? TELL ME YOUR SECRETS, BOOK!
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>Vekir
"Celestia"

>Silessia Princess!

"Oh for the sake of me did Applejack put you up to pestering me this much?"

>I require a job!

"...what?"

>Yes, Silessia Princess, Vekir wishes to be the ambassador for all Morlocks! ...wait, no, that is others can be ambassadors too, but Vekir really wants to be at least one of them. Yes.

"You lost me, I don't-"

>Silessia Princess I already told you why!

"No that's not it, how do you think I'd have anything to do with that?"

>...you do not have power to name ambassadors?

"Well yes but not for another country!"

>...we're a country? I thought we were a cave...whyfor do you strike your brow?

"No reason. Look, what you need to do is appeal to someone in a position of power in YOUR government."

>Zhetri Tuuhl!

"NO!"

>...

"...No, he's far too busy doing...whatever it is they say he's doing. No, someone else.

>The head of metal? But to ask him I must return to the cave, and if I'm in the cave I'm not not in the cave and have failed!

"You're telling me there's literally no one else in a position of power in your ENTIRE race?"

>Well...my brother leads our mission...

"So ask him."

>I can't!

"Why not?"

>He'll say no.

"Are you sure?"

>...no.

"Just give it a try, he's all about trades, try and bargain with him."

>And if that fails?

"Wibble. Wibble the hell out of him."

>THIS IS A THING THAT SHALL BE DONE!

"Thatta girl."

Vekir trots off.

"Here's hoping she fails, her race would be at war with everyone after she assassinates their royalty via heart attack."
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>Dash
"SA"
'???'
~~~~~~

WHACK!
WHACK!
WHACK!

"Come on, it's not that bad."

WHACK!WHACK!WHACK!WHACK!WHACK!WHACK!

"You're going to give yourself brain damage."

She paused her savage beating of her head to desk just long enough to glare at him.

>GOOD! THEN MAYBE I'LL BE DUMB ENOUGH I CAN TELL MYSELF IT'S NOT SO BAD!

"That seems unnecessarily mean, I'm trying to help you here."

She just grumbled, putting her head back on the desk.

>Sorry, you're not dumb.

"That's better."

>You're just delusional.

"And back to not better. Record time, I'm impressed."

>Just... just tell me how bad the damage is to the recruitment process.

"..."

>...no no, stay silent, is says more than any words ever could.

"Don't know what to tell you, those members you fired have been going public with a lot of dirty laundry."

>Someones gonna be getting dirty laundry, I can tell you that.

"My point is, they're weary to join with a lot of this, even though I'm pretty sure it's mostly made up. For instance, I do not know the guy particularly well, but I'm pretty sure Soarin did not promote a cheerleader to a Wonderbolt after she slept with him."

>Please, please be true. I'm not going to lie, it's pretty much down to just him for members I didn't hire that actually DO THEIR JOB.

"Like I said, it's probably not..."

The door flung open, and in strutted the Ex-captain herself. Said former captain dropped a ton of paperwork on the desk, and spun right on her heels.

'There's your crap, have fun...'

She froze, just for a fraction of a second, so quickly that if Dash had not been glaring in irritation at her she would have missed it.

Likewise, if Shining Armor had not been directly in her line of sight, she would have missed HIS reaction as well.

But that fraction of a second passed, and instantly they were back to a more neutral, professional look.

'Ex-Captain Shining Armor.'

"Ex-Captain Spitfire."

Though their tone was neutral, there was a hint of bite underneath it all.

With one last nod of acknowledgement, the yellow mare left.

>...What the heck was that?

The stallion did his best to look confused.

"What, her dropping paperwork? Comes with the territory, Dash."

>No, not that, what the heck was up with you and Spitfire?

"Me and Spitfire? No idea what you mean, we just said hi. It's professional to address each other, you know."

>By pointing out she's an Ex-captain?

"She pointed it out to me first, I figured we were just acknowledging things had changed. Totally professional."

She looked him over, not sure what to make of all of this.

>Are you... okay?

"I will be once we get your out of control organization back to flying right."

>Oh, yeah, right...

"Now, let's see... ah, okay, we really need to talk about your training facility, and how horribly understaffed it is..."

He rambled on, but Dash was only somewhat paying attention. Her mind was still drawn to that... look they had given each other. A look that said there was a LOT more to be said than there was.

She realized deep down it probably wasn't her business...

But on the other hoof, if she cared about that, she wouldn't be Rainbow Dash.

She was going to need help on this one...
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>Celestia
"Chrysalis"
~~~~

"Hey, hey celly. Celly. Ceeelllly..."

>...

"Ceeellllllyyyyy... Ceellllllllllllyyyyyyyyy...."

>...

"Celestia."

>WHAT!?

"My guys beat your guuuuuyyyyss... again."

>They won in the front!

"Oh, what a shock, your guys won against the DISTRACTION while the rest got the actually important things. And won."

>Your group got defeated by the plushies too!

"No, my group mostly partied throughout it all in the ballroom while a small cake stuffed contingent fought them. The vast majority of my species didn't even know anything was going down, unlike your guard."

>...

"...My guys are beeettttteeerrr!"

>How did you like paying for those cakes?

"Worth every bit for the bragging rights."

>...

"Your guys suck."

>I KNOOOWWWWWWWWW!

"...Hey, hey Celly, Celly, Celllly, CELLL-"

>WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATT!?

"Wanna go grab some cake?"

>...Yes.

"Neat."
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NC
>Celestia
"Guards"
~~~~

>Okay, how about I throw in a biiiiiig bonus to your paycheck?

"Meh, I'm okay with my current salary."

"Really, you'd just be losing it right away in stress and psychiatric medication costs anyway."

>What iiiiiif I gave you a lot more command of not just the soldiers, but other stuff?

"Ehhhhh, I feel like just this one thing would be too much already, you know?"

"Seems like you'd burn out in a week with just that."

"If you were lucky!"

>Whhhhaaaaat if I hired on someone else to handle the paperwork, someone else to help with the training, someone else to manage the parades and stuff, and someone else to mediate any other relations?

"...Meh, feels like it would fall apart the first time a big threat hit."

"Yeah, then you're just the fallguy when everything goes bottom up."

"Not to mention being ceremonial AND having all that responsibility. Two for one."

>FINE! What if I offered to let one of you sleep with Luna for the job!?

'WHAT!? SISTER HOW COULD YOU!?'

>You know why I can't!

'THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT ANY-'

"Ehhhhhhhhhh...."

'...WHAT!?'

"Sorry, just know better than to stick your dick in crazy."

'OH FORNICATE WITH THE MOST TWISTED PYRE OF FLAMES!'
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NC
>Applejack
"Celestia"
~~~~~~

>No, Celly, we ain't gonna invade the Crystal Empire and take it over so ya'll can have Shiny back.

"WORK WITH ME ON THIS I NEED IT!"
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>DT
"SS"
~~~~~

"Could you stop fiddling with that thing for two seconds? Really, two seconds, that's all I'm asking."

>...one... two.

"Okay, now can we try-"

>Nope, you blew your one request. You should have known better.

The silver filly sighed, and leaned back further into the rather nice looking dinner chair. Across from her, the pink filly returned to tweaking her 'sexy'.

"You know, you didn't have to rent out the entire dinner car."

She scoffed, eyes darting around the barren room.

>That jerk implied I was a little kid.

"You are. We are in GRADESCHOOL."

>That doesn't mean you don't have to show me respect. If anything, I deserve more respect because of that!

"I'm just saying, he was just worried you are carrying around a weapon on a crowded train."

>Hence the lack of crowd, and now everything is fine.

"Worried about you, DT."

>Shut up and eat your chocolate pudding.

"...I do like chocolate."

>That's why I ordered it for you.

"Could've just let me order it."

>Pffftt.

"..."

>...Pass me the liquid nitrogen.

Her eyes trailed over everything splayed out on the table, concerned.

"I don't know which one that is."

>It's liquid nitrogen.

"Am I supposed to know about that? I've never seen it. You say it all the time, but I never know what it is."

>THE COLD STUFF!

Bitterly, she picked up the tiny blue spheres and handed them over.

"...I'm not as smart as you are."

That, of everything, made the pink filly pause.

>You're not dumb.

"I didn't say I was."

>Well, good. You're not one of the blankflanks, you shouldn't think you're on their level. Don't let me catch you saying stuff like that.

With that, she went back to fiddling.

"...Thanks."

A grunt, but nothing else.

"...So what IS liquid nitrogen."

>Nitrogen in a liquid state.

"..."

>...Okay, it's like this, Nitrogen is a Pnictogen, specifically a really light one at the right temperature...

"..."

>...Hooo, this is going to take a bit...
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There are few times in a person's life when they can look at their situation, and just look at the surreality of it all. Once upon a time in a far away city called Baltimare, a young colt ran into a wall in his uncle's house for the umpteenth time and clanged his helmeted head against it. A foolish bit of clumsiness rewarded with a black eye and a tray of cookies from his dear Aunt Peregine. If one had told that colt his future would involve being in the midst of pirate war over a City of Gold standing upon the back of a gigantic crab...squid...fish thing in thrall to a mysterious being inside a gigantic black gem.

Well honestly he'd have said that sounded pretty cool, he was that kind of kid.

Dueling the massive psychotic minotaur that had just murdered a friendly acquaintance...he might not have been so high on.

But sadly, that was said colt's lot now that he was a stallion with an incredible run of bad luck, and currently he found himself barely managing to dodge one of two axes said minotaur was wiedling and saving himself from having his head separated from his shoulders. He launched himself to the side, narrowly avoiding a second swipe from the other axe, his hooves landing hard on the golden floor of the guard tower's roof. He glared at Brahmos, his horn glowing and levitating his cutlass defensively.

"Well well, boy, do you finally think you can defend yourself?" Brahmos' smirk made Pommel's blood run cold, "After hiding so long behind my little bird, do you really think you can stand against met?"

"She isn't your little bird," Pommel growled his response, tensed and ready to at the very least go down fighting, "You killed her mother!"

"And her father is long since dead as well," Brahmos clanged his axes together, "If I recall she used to call me 'Uncle Brahmos', haha, if anything I'm her last relation on this earth."

"You're a sick bastard," Pommel darted forward, swinging his cutlass to deflect a blow from one of the axes, but the second forced him into another retreat, backing him up against one of the crenellations of the tower.

"Sick? No, I'm quite healthy," Brahmos axes came down on the gold where Pommel's head had been just moments before, a savage kick from the minotaur's lower body smacking Pommel in the jaw as he readied a counter attack, "I am a minotaur, an exiled prince denied my rightful pla-"

"Oh spare me the fucking backstory, you prick," Pommel grit his teeth, "You just out and out murdered a guy whose only crime was some minor incompetence and before that Faust knows how many other people just because they saw you be weak for a moment."

"Weakness is a sin, a fatal flaw that separates the superior from the inferior, a marker by which the rulers are divided from their inherent servants," Brahmos' hoof scraped the ground, "Those who see me when my fleeting moments of weakness simply have to be eliminated to avoid them getting ideas, you understand."

"I understand you're nothing short of a psychopath," Pommel growled, stepping slightly to the side, "And I've only got one thing to say to you...BYE!"

Pommel turned tail and booked it down the stairs he'd positioned himself close to, the bellowing of rage behind him told him that it was now a good time to not look back. He didn't dare allow himself even a grin, this was no time to get cocky, or else the only rest he'd get from this extremely intense day would be when he was dead. He hoped in the back of his mind that Brahmos' bovine heritage would let him get a decent head start down the stairs, at least a long enough one to accomplish the very slapdash plan he was formulating in his head.

He rounded the last curve in the tower's downward spiral and found himself scrambling to stop as he careened towards a severely beaten up pea green earth pony and a scraggly diamond dog in a tricorner hat. Sadly momentum refused to be denied and he smashed into the two them with force, all three sprawling onto the ground in a groaning heap.

"Guh...what'n th' 'ell?" An annoyingly familiar voice assailed Pomel's ear, "Barksby, I told yew we 'ad to dig carefully. Ugh, what 'it us?"

"Me, again," Pommel said, trying to untangle himself from the pile before he found Guttersnipe doubletaking and staring daggers at him.

"YOU AGAIN!" The earth pony began thrashing, " 'E GOT PAST BRAHMOS! GET 'IM BARKSBY!"

The diamond dog growled and raised a cutlass wielding paw, trying to swipe it down at Pommel, who barely managed to duck and kick himself away from the two, scrambling under the archway towards the section of wall the Regret's crew had made their stand upon. He grit his teeth and rushed forward, sparing only a cursory glance back to where the two henchmen made to follow but turned back when they saw the odds, beginning to dig at the rubble of the archway he'd knocked over.

'Still no Brahmos, good good,' Pommel thought as he let out a small breath as he illuminated his horn, using it to blast away a grappling hook affixed to the wall, hearing the yelp of the climbing pirates as they plummeted down to the hard shell of the guardian beast. He pressed on towards the crowd of bodies further down, tackling into the back of an extremely scarred up Diamond Dog, who turned around with a snarl long enough for a cutlass to slash across his chest and send him stumbling back off the side of the wall.

"There ya are, lad," The gruff voice was a sound for sore ears as it were as Evergreen grinned at him, "I take it the giant sea beast is your work?"

"Yeah," Pommel's head jerked behind him, still no Brahmos, he looked back to Evergreen, "I need your help, if we work quick we can kill Brahmos once and for all."

"You're speaking music to my ears, lad, what do you propose?" Evergreen ducked low to avoid a swooping pegasus, bucking up to send him hurtling out of control into one of the spires of the city.

"We gotta get one of the cannons, turn it on that watchtower, and blow it to kingdom come!" Pommel shouted, looking for a piece of said artillery, "There's no way that bastard could survive Faust knows how many gold bricks squashing him."

"HA, now that's a plan I can get behind!" Evergreen looked over his shoulder, "Rat! You'n a few lads cover me'n the boy, we've got a plan to take out Brahmos!"

Pommel noticed Rat levitating his sword with his magic and slashing away at the guard of a gryphon, "I'm a little busy at the moment!"

"I saw Guttersnipe inside the tower!" Pommel added, and in a moment the gryphon was dead and Rat was directly next to him.

"What do ya need!?" Rat's eyes were wild, the promise of vengeance infusing him with new life.

"Cover us while we bring a cannon to bare on the tower," Pommel informed him.

"If it means killing that traitorous filth, I'd volunteer to be yer damned cannonball!" Rat roared, "Right lads, you're with me, nobody touches the cap'n and the lad, ya hear me!?"

"AYE!" The chorus from the crew spurred Pommel into action, running alongside Evergreen towards the nearest cannon, all around them the crew fought with all their might, the clang of steel and the screams of the vanquished becoming an unwelcome symphony in his ears as he and Evergreen nearly slammed into the cannon and began to bring it to bear on the tower.

"Get it closer, lad!" Evergreen roared over the battle, "We can't leave this chance, not with this bastard!"

"Just what I was thinking!" Pommel shouted back, "Have you seen Daw? Is she alright?"

"She's fine, lad, she's helpin' keep the air clear of Brahmos' fliers!" Evergreen grunted as the two pressed on, " 'course the giant crab pretty much shocked the fight outta most of 'em! Was THAT your plan?"

"Something along these lines, yeah!" Pommel tried to grin, "Now we've got them on the run and hopefully we can keep whatever's in the gem from screwing us over!"

"We've got it!" Evergreen shouted as the cannon came to a halt pointed directly at the tower, "The cannon's already loaded, just light the fuse and let's end this once and for all!"

"Once and for all!" Pommel grinned ear to ear and shot a bolt of magic at the fuse, lighting it and setting the cannon off in short order.

BOOM!

The cannonball traveled high velocity directly into the very center of the tower, the inside erupting in dust as the structure swayed, its support giving way as it began to tumble. Slowly, ever so slowly, the fighting stopped as all turned towards the cloud where the watchtower once stood.

Gritting his teeth, Pommel began to walk forward, vaguely aware of the muted clops of pegasi alighting on the wall and ponies following behind him. He had to make sure, he had to see a body to confirm that one of the largest parts of this nightmare was finally dead. He stood at the periphery of the dust cloud, glaring into it.

"You uh...you think we got him?" A voice asked from behind him.

"We had to, nobody survives that much shite falling onto them!" Rat replied incredulously.

"Nobody usually survives involuntary cliff-diving either," Pommel said, not taking his gaze off of the cloud, "This bastard has the endurance of a slasher movie villain."

"Still I don't thin-oh son of a..." Rat's voice took a shocked tone as a figure rose from the dust, large and misshapen, lurching towards them. Pommel readied himself, every muscle in his body prepared for one more fight...

Then Guttersnipe tumbled off of Barksby's shoulders and the two fell to their bellies.

"Ungh...n'more...n'more...we surrenderrrrrr!" Snipe moaned, "M'pretty face can't take much more abuse!"

Barksby held up his hands in surrender as well, looking pathetically up at Pommel and the rest of the Regret's crew.

"...HA!" Rat barked out a laugh that was soon echoed by the rest of the crew, "Yes, we kill Brahmos AND this little worm gets to pay? Mama it's Hearthswarming!"

"If they survived he could have," Pommel pointed out, looking back at Rat, "I don't think it needs much saying these two aren't on his level."

"Kiss my arse ya little shit," Snipe growled, "I'll send ya's to 'ell-agh!"

Rat slammed his hoof onto the back of Snipe's head, "I wouldn't talk so much if I were you, ya bastard, I might decide to cut out your tongue!"

"Rat is now really the time for that kind of-" Pommel started until a body smashed into him from the side, causing him to fall down onto the ground, he looked up in time to see Evergreen open his mouth to shout, before his eyes went wide and slowly looked down...

At the horn stabbed into his chest.

"No...no!" Rat moved to run forward, but he caught an uppercut from a rising Barksby.

Pommel scrambled to get up, catching sight of the rising titanic form of Brahmos pulling his broken off horn from Evergreen's chest. Time slowed as the minotaur raised his axe, sending it crashing down...

Slicing through Evergreen's neck.

Pommel's jaw dropped as Evergreen's body did much the same, he caught sight of a blue blur diving down from above, blade gleaming as the minotaur roared and ducked to the side, grabbing Daw by the neck and throttling her. Pommel's mind raced, he had to do something, he had to take action. He looked up, lighting up his horn...

And blasted off another shot fo magic into the sky just as a pale fished smashed into his jaw, and everything went dark.
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More NC

>???
“Guard”
‘Luna’
~Celestia~
______

>…What did you just say?

“Whoa!”

“Where’d he come from? Better yet, which one is he again?”

“Oh… him. Yeah, he’s that little pervert with the butt fixa-”

>Hey. Shut up and apologize.

~Wow.~

“What’d this little runt just say to me?”

“I think it wants you to apologize.”

“For what again?”

“Me thinks for insulting Princess Luna.”

“That wasn’t an insult! That was the Faust-honest truth!”

‘WHY THOU-’

Almost instinctually, Celestia swung out a foreleg to keep her sister from charging forward, watching curiously as 56 approached the offending guard.

He tapped the stallion on his leg guard.

>You haven’t apologized yet. Didn’t you hear me the first time?

“I heard, progressed it, deemed it stupid, and deleted it. Now, why don’t you go bug off somewhere else?”

“Clever.”

“Thanks.”

Another tap.

>Hey. I dunno what you said earlier but it made Moons upset. I don’t like it when Moons is upset… I don’t like *things* that make Moons upset. So… you’re gonna apologize.

“Princess Luna? Would you kindly get your little lovesick insect before he gets squished or something?”

Incensed though she was, Luna tried her best to force a twitching smile, beckoning to her tagalong.

’56, that’s enough… we will admit that our past doth merit the term of ‘crazy’ at-’

One final tap.

>I love Moons, yeah… and I was taught to protect the ones ya love, so that's why you’re gonna…

He met eyes with the guard just as he went to snap at the way 56 kept prodding him.

>Apologize.

Staring at the back of 56’s head as they were, the two princesses would forever be abreast of whatever caused a shock of white hair to suddenly stain the guards otherwise cerulean mane as he seemed to freeze, his face transmogrifying into something that bypassed terror upon meeting 56’s gaze.

The other guards caught a lesser version, a passing glance, and the hallway was alit with the sound of petrified screaming and then quickly retreating hoofsteps.

“I’M SORRRRRRYYYY!”

“WE’RE SORRRRRYYY!”

‘…’

~…~

’56…?’

The called youngling swiftly turned around, and he was smiling as he ran over to Luna, snuggling up against her leg.

>Yeah, Moons? Ya called?

‘What… what was that?’

>What was what? Did ya see the way those guards ran off? Why’d they do that? I think one of ‘em even peed his armor!

‘…56, what-’

She made to ask him another question but caught her sisters eye, caught that slow head shake from left to right, and wisely switched questions.

‘-diiiiiid… thou want for a snack? Ice cream mayhaps?’

>Definitely! But none for you, Moons, gotta make sure your plot don’t get no bigger! ‘Cause right now it’s freakin’ colossal!

‘…’

~My, my, look at the blush.~

‘SHUT THINE HOLE WE’RE TRYING!’
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NC for obvious reasons

>Jetset
“???”
‘???’
______

He watched as she and his Queen strolled down the hallway that led towards the kitchen, on their way to obtain some cake.

Hidden as he was, he could still feel two very heightened, very insect-like throbs of consciousness filling the corridor.

One belonged to Chrysalis, of course. That sly, sultry-tongued she-devil never let her guard down….

The other was his nemesis, 007, no doubt observing from the opposite end of the hallway, also waiting for the perfect chance to strike and abscond with a hair.

It was just a matter of patience, of waiting until that perfect window opened and-

>…Oh, that cunning bitch.

She was swinging her hips about like that on purpose, sashaying as if strolling down a runway, and she made sure her glimmering teal tail remained hitched at an alluring angle, following the movements of her bouncing flanks.

She knew. She knew he was spying on her… mostly because, fuck it all, that’s what he was. A spy. Who was spying. And in fact, if he concentrated on her face, he could make out the smallest of snide grins spread through her lips, not produced for whatever she was currently talking with his Queen about, but because she knew she was flustering him.

As it stood, with her so alert, he figured that drop-out Shining would have a better chance at getting a ‘happy ending’ from Cadance before he got that blasted hair….

>Maybe she’ll get lax when she gets a piece of ca-

BRRRRRRING!

Both rulers glanced back at the sudden noise. Celestia looked politely confused while Chrysalis’s grin only grew wider before beckoning her alabaster companion on.

‘Heh… you know, I’m sure it’s just a fly on the wall, Celly. C’mon, let’s go, we got cake a’callin’.’

Clear on the other side of the castle was where Jetset had dashed off to, heart hammering as his horn continued to vibrate rather noisily.

>…How dense can I be to have forgotten to put this on silent?

>Hello…?

“Heya sweetie!”

>Sweetie…? Who is this? How’d you get this numb-

“Oh don’t play coy with me! I’m the nurse that practically saved your life on Partyland! Remember? You got concussed, cracked noggin, I fixed you right on up? Yeah, me!”

>That doesn’t explain how you got my-

“So yeah, long story short, I’m jobless, hahaha! Things kinda went kablooie and now I know firsthoof what it feels like to spend a night on the streets! A few actually… but anyway! I just thought I’d get in contact with you, see how your head was holding up! Still feeling well?”

>…You know you interrupted a very important mission I was-”

“Yeah, you sounds worlds better. Good, good, well, I have your number and now you have mine so feel free to call me up if you get hurt again, sweetie! ...Or if you just want to talk, that’s nice, too… because I’m certainly not doing anything anymore, ha… but yeah, I’ll leave you be! Ex-oh-ex-oh, babe!”

>I- wait, how’d you get my number and why did you just vocally say-

*click*

>…

Less than six minutes later, Jetset would be back to his mission… but not before making sure to save that number with an annoyingly lingering curiosity for that mares name….
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

NC
>SA
"Celestia"
~~

>Okay, want to run this by me again?

"Look, you're busy over there, but I need you to command my guys over here because my guys suck, but you have duties, so I just decided to take it over and thus, no more duties!"

>...Ignoring the implications there, I'm more concerned with the terms of surrender including a political marriage between us?

"Political... MOTHER DAMN IT, LUNA! NOT FUNNY! THAT IS SO NOT FUNNY!"
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>So does this mean you're calling all of this off?

"...I didn't say THAT."

>...

"...So, what color are you liking for the wedding invitations?"

>Celly stahp.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

NC
>Cadence
"Celestia"
'SA'
~~~

>Damn it, why does everyone keep trying to sleep with my husband!?

"...Sleep with him? It says marry."

>Oh! Oh okay, yeah. This means you'll pretty much never have sex, it's all good!

'Ha ha.'

>...

'...Damn it...'
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>007
"13"
~~~

"What happened to you?"

The changeling in question slowly turned his head, looking at all of the rubble, charred remains and floating feathers surrounding him.

>...Do you really want to know?

"I kind of do, if only to delude myself into thinking someone else might be almost as unlucky as me."

>Well... I did my thing, went at them while they were eating cake, and grabbed what I thought was a hair. As it turns out it was a hair, a hair attached to a gigantic doll. Said doll was stuffed with several explosives, as I was soon to discover. After that, I found she had strapped several pillows to the ceiling, I hope in an attempt to slow my forward motion, but it seems she underestimated the level of force in those explosions, and all it did was stick several flaming feathers onto my chitin. After that, I shot through the ceiling and right into a stormcloud that had been in the process of being moved. Rather than stop me, it shot me further, and then with great horror I landed into a barrel of what I can only assume was something fissionable, and my ascent continued. And now here I am.

"....Ehhhhh... it's not QUITE my record, but you're getting there!"

>...

"...You want me to put you out?"

>After what you just said, no. No I do not.

"Wise choice. But I don't think it's fast enough before-"

*FWOOOOSSH!*

"And there it goes."

>...We're about to explode, aren't we?

"BUCKLE UP!"
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>2
"SA"
~~~~~~~

It seemed like a normal day as he walked by his daughters room, only to be stopped by the call of her voice.

>Hey! Shiny!

Ever the dutiful one, he immediately forgot whatever it was he was doing and opened the door.

"What is it Swe-...Oh, wow."

She adjusted the far, far too large glasses threatening to roll off the bridge of her nose, and pulled on the likewise oversized business suit that kept engulfing her forelegs in her sleeves.

>Is this what a princess is s'posed ta' wear when she's doin' business? I asked what business ponies wore, and they said this...

"...There is not enough film on this PLANET."

>What'cha talkin' bout, Shiny? I gotta look important, or how else am I gonna be a good princess?

He did not respond to her question, instead pulling a camera out of one of the many secret compartments he had stashed around the rooms just for such an occasion.

Because as we all know, a real photographer is always prepared.

>Shiiiinnnnny! I wanna do business stuff!

"We are. Haven't you ever seen reporters taking pictures of Cadence during events?"

>Yeah?

"Well, that means this is princess stuff."

>...GASP! YER RIGHT!

"Come on, throw up a good pose!"

>Like this?

"Perfect! Let's try another!"

>Oh! Like this!

And thus, he tasted blood as he bit down hard.

"...No."

>What? Not-mom posed like this in the pictures she made for you!

"...Nooooo... bad pose."

>Awww... What aboooout THIS!?

"Much better."

>YAY!

"...I'll glue her to the floor."

>Wassat, Shiny?

"Nothing. Smile and wave at the camera!"

>YAAAAYYYY!

"...she'll be scraping it out of her hair for a week..."
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