Tariro Ndine Tariro

The sun shone through the crevasses of the branches and leaves of the trees. And as the wind gently blew, Tariro, clasped her arms around her body and gently rubbed her arms. She knew she had to step out into the sunlight. However, the winter winds, strong and unrelenting as they were, would not succumb to the rays of the sun in the sky.
She laughed to herself, and thought she should have brought the jacket her mother insisted on. I guess that’s my problem, she thought to herself as she continued to rub her arms. I never listen. And that she didn’t. Tariro only trusted one person in her life. That was herself. She would take in what people around her said but not too deeply. She didn’t want to be hurt.
It seemed like a selfish thing for one to do, however her life had left her no other choice. From watching idly by as her parents moved onto one affair to another, to her first love kissing her closest friend from childhood, it wasn’t difficult to fathom how one would turn out this way. But still, it was a selfish thing to do.
And as her mind wrestled with these thoughts, her heart twisted into a knot as she saw, Tanaka walking towards her. How lucky she had been. To find someone sweet, kind, and handsome to look at. How dreadful it would be in a few moments as it would all shatter. For what reason exactly, she knew not. But it’s what her head told her to do.
All evening long, she came up with reasons to convince him, and also herself, why it had to end. She had to concentrate on her studies, she felt that they were moving too quickly, or that she enjoyed the freedom she had not answering for herself. All these were good reasons, to tell him, and more importantly herself. The truth is she didn’t know why it had to end. But it just had to.
The wind, again, crushed into her body, and a visible shiver raced through her body.
“Aren’t you cold?” asked Tanaka as he finally arrived. “Here,” he took off his jacket and handed it to her.
As she grabbed, she quickly pushed it back to him.
“No it’s fine,” Tanaka insisted. “I’m built for weather like this.”
She smiled. How could she not. Between his lopsided smile, and his dark brown eyes that were big enough to consume her whole being, she couldn’t help herself, but grab the jacket. Her hands trembled as she watched his black jacket in her hands.
“I’m sorry,” she finally spoke. “I can’t.” She handed it back to him. “The truth is the reason why I wanted to meet here,” she motioned to the stretch of grass that students came to rest between lectures, “is because I wanted to be in public when I told you this.”
“What?” He took his jacket languidly. His face scrunched up haphazardly, a look that irked Tariro to no end.
“Don’t do that?” she muttered to herself.
“Do what?” his face twisted even more.
“Sorry. I guess it won’t matter after this.” She took in a deep breath, and at this point Tanaka could see where it was going.
“You’re breaking up with me.”
A guilty look fell upon her countenance. Again, she took in a deep breath, and as the words failed to come out. She nodded.
“Wow.” Tanaka was taken aback by this. His hands fell to the side of his body, and he began tapping his foot lightly on the grass as he bit his lower lip. And after a few moments of this, he finally asked, “why?”
“It’s because I value the freedom of answering only to myself.” And as she said this, she realized it sounded better in her head.
“You what?” His eyes bulged open. “Umm…” He began to blink rapidly. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I don’t know?”
“You value the freedom of answering to yourself?” He laughed at the words. They sounded absolutely ridiculous to him, and he was sure that they would to any other sane person.
“Yes. I feel this pressure and I just can’t…”
“Can’t see yourself with me.” His face finally rested onto a rather forlorn expression. “I understand.”
“You do?” she tried to reach out with her hand to him but stopped herself. Again, she clasped her hands around her body.
“I do. I guess I kinda saw this coming.”
“You did?”
“Ya. You really aren’t that hard to figure out, Tariro. You aren’t some magical creature. You aren’t some literary masterpiece. You are just a person. A person. And I really care for you. How you really are. But I guess at this point, all I could say is I really hope you find happiness in whatever path you may wish to take. And all that bullshit people say.”
“I really am sorry,” she finally reached out and gently rubbed his face. He grabbed her hand and kissed it. And just like that he strode away. And she was left by herself once again. With the freedom to answer, her and only her.
There was a pain that subtly enveloped her in the moment. She suppressed it as usual. Ignored it more likely, it was her M.O. She was comfortable this way.