With the sickening popping sound of bones straightening out, Bernkastel pulled herself off the floor, coughing and gasping for air.

“Yay! Bern, glad you could join us again. You’ve missed a little bit, but it’s okay. We haven’t lost yet, and you’ll be able to get revenge soon enough!”

Although she was as cheerful and bubbly as ever, Lambdadelta’s voice was strained, like she was still in pain. Damn, I almost feel bad. Is it really necessary for this game to be so violent?

After she finished coughing and managed to stand up, Bernkastel growled wordlessly, glaring at all of us with an intense hatred and looking like she was about to explode. Before any confrontation could erupt, Lambdadelta jumped in-between, staggered slightly, and then pushed Bern off to the side where the two held a private conversation in harsh, angry whispers.

Whatever they discussed, it had the effect of calming Bernkastel down. When the two returned, Bern had resumed her stoic mask, simply sitting down and pouring more tea. I thought of a few cruel barbs, insults, or general snark, but decided to hold my tongue. Gloating really is in poor form, after all.
Besides, I’d rather we just get this over with.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Hey, Kyon. Let’s head back downstairs, alright? The others are probably getting worried.”

Yeah, it doesn’t look like there’s anything else to find here. Damnit. Are we even accomplishing anything here? At the rate we’re going, it’s going to turn out exactly like before. At least demons haven’t started popping out of the woodwork yet.

After double checking everything just one more time, we left and headed back for the entry hall. After a few minutes of walking through the empty corridors, I suddenly wished that I had grabbed a trusty curtain rod earlier. Oh well, I doubt it’ll make much of a difference in the long run.

When we made it to the entry hall, everyone was gone. After a split second of panic and worry, we realized that everyone probably just went to go rest somewhere more comfortable. Our first guess was correct, and we found them in the lounge. However, the door was locked.

“Who’s there!? Honey, is that you?”

As we knocked, the haggard and desperate sounding voice of Natsuhi rang out from the other side. We quickly explained our situation, and she unlocked the door, letting us both in.

There were only three people in the room: Natsuhi, Battler, and Kumasawa. Seriously? Don’t tell me everyone is dead already, we’ve be gone for half an hour at the most! Looking relieved to see us, Battler motioned for us to join him on the couch.

“Hey guys. Glad to see you’re alright. Listen, I’ve got some bad news. “

It’s always bad news here, isn’t it? Let’s just cut straight to the point.

“My dad, Kanon, and Dr. Nanjo are all dead. Everyone else is currently attempting to contact grandfather.”

“Hey, hold on. When we went to go find Rosa and Eva earlier, that was your group, wasn’t it? Are you saying you saw them get killed?”

“Yeah.”

Great. And everyone else is searching for Kinzo, which is a dead end and will probably result in more bodies.

“Well come on! Tell us what happened!”

Haruhi was starting to get irritated and pushy, but there was a tinge of desperation to her voice too. How are we supposed to solve these murders without details of the crime, after all?

“Yeah, yeah, don’t worry, I’ll tell you. I just… need a drink first, okay?”

Is that really a good idea? Wouldn’t it be better if you kept a clear head for all of this? Battler ignored my weak protests, getting up and rummaging through a cabinet on the other side of the room. He came back with a wine bottle in one hand, and a packet of crackers in the other, which he tossed to me. I suppose it’s better to eat something, after all.

After a long drink straight from the bottle, Battler straightened up and began to tell his story.

“Alright. So while you guys went to go check for Rosa and Eva, the four of us left to go see if they were in the guesthouse. We didn’t notice anything strange outside, but when we actually got there…”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Ohohohoho! The plot thickens. I wonder what your friend Battler has to say about this set of murders, hmm? I don’t think you’ll like it. But rather than listen to a crummy, secondhand story why don’t we actually watch what happened!”

Lambdadelta waved her arms around excitedly and the screen changed its image to that of Battler, Rudolf, Kanon, and Dr. Nanjo trudging through the rain towards the guesthouse. What, you’re saying we can get different perspectives on this thing too?

“Battler-sama, look!”

As the group of four approached the guesthouse, Kanon was the first to point out what was obviously wrong. Dripping down the door was a painted magic circle, fresh and running in the rain.

“That’s impossible, right? Most of us were staying in the guesthouse last night, and when were woken up by all the commotion, this thing definitely wasn’t here when we left.”

Questioning the mysterious speed-painter, Rudolf cautiously approached the door, gun raised, only to find it locked. It seems Kanon has a master key though, and after unlocking it, Rudolf threw open the door, keeping his gun at the ready. Only the empty guesthouse parlor greeted them.

Come to think of it, didn’t we hear something about every servant having a master key at some point? That means since they killed Shannon, the culprit probably took her key and has full access to the mansion.

“Be careful. Since they bothered to mark it with a circle, there’s a good chance we’ll find Rosa and Eva here, but since it’s so fresh, the culprit might still be in here.”

Leading the group, Rudolf slowly advanced through the room, checking corners, blind spots. He almost looks like a professional. Maybe he’s served on the police force or something in the past, who knows? I never really took the chance to get to know any of the adults.

“Hey, Dad, check this out.”

Crouching by the stairs to the second floor, Battler pointed out a small trail of red paint leading up.
“Either the culprit is pretty shitty at carrying a bucket of paint, or this is a trail they want us to follow. Could be a trap. Don’t go doing anything stupid, old man.”

“Stupid? Me? Well, we’ll just have to see about that. It’s not so often you get to show off in front of the youngsters.”

The group made their way up the stairs, into an empty hallway. The trail of paint continued down the hall, leading to a closed door with an identical magic circle on it.

Damn. There’s not a timestamp on this or anything, but if we assume that the killer was holed up in our room until we left, maybe only 30 minutes have passed at this point and time, so they must’ve sprinted over here to paint these circles, and whatever else is about to happen.

“Great. Another one. Looks like they’re really drawing us to one spot, huh? Kanon-kun, your key works here too, right?”

“Yes, Battler-sama. Just give me a second…!”

*FWOOMP*

As Kanon fumbled around for his key, there was a strange sound and a short scream as a circular hole opened up beneath Rudolf and Dr. Nanjo. They fell into darkness before the hole closed up as quickly as it had appeared.

Wait, what the hell?!

“Dad!”

Battler’s cry was absorbed by the now empty hallway, the two adults having vanished in less than a second. Okay seriously; what? Is there a secret trapdoor in the guesthouse? It didn’t really look natural though.
There was a muffled cry and thump from the other side of the door, like the sound of someone falling into the room. Low voices and moans of pain could be just barely be made out.

“Dad! Dr. Nanjo! Is that you back there? … Damnit, hurry up and give me the key!”

“Ow, son of a bitch, that smarts. Battler? Wait, are we in the bedroom? How the hell…”

Okay, fine. There was a pneumatic tube or something that opened up beneath them, sucked them in, and moved them under and around and into the next room.

That’s a bit stupid even for this game, isn’t it?

As Kanon finally found the right key and handed it to Battler, they both froze at the sound of female laughter from inside the room.

“What!? Who the hell are you two?

“Hey, Levi, you can have the fat one, okay”

“Mammon, no fair! You’re such a jerk!”

Two unfamiliar female voices sounded from inside the bedroom, followed by gunfire. Great, I think I know where this is going. Battler finally managed to get the door unlocked, and pushed forward with all his might, only to be stopped by the chain lock.

“Damnit! Leviathan, Mammon, don’t do this! Not now! Dad, are you alright?! Damnit!”

Battler kept slamming into the door, trying to snap the chain lock with sheer force, but it wouldn’t budge. More gunshots rang out, followed by giggling and the uncomfortably familiar sound of Stakes ricocheting off of walls.

“Battler-sama, please step back.”

Battler moved out of the way as Kanon focused, drawing a blade of energy from his arm, which he used to cut through the chain lock with pinpoint precision.

…

“Okay what the hell! Stop this. I mean, the trap door thing was weird enough, but you’re seriously expecting us to believe that he has a freaking laser blade!?”

Haruhi jumped up and began shouting angrily, which probably would’ve been my reaction too had I been a little quicker on the draw. Lambdadelta was giggling childishly, while Bernkastel calmly sipped her tea, looking amused.

“Of course he has one. He’s pretty high quality furniture, after all. He would’ve told you if you’d have bothered to ask. Everyone knows about it. Did you guys seriously not talk to poor Kanon-kun at all?”

My objection froze in my as Lambdadelta faked sympathy for Kanon. It was true though. Out of the time spent on the island, I only exchanged a handful of words with him. He was just some surly servant kid, right? I never had much of a chance to get most of the Ushiromiya’s and their servants. Maybe that was a mistake.

“Suzumiya-san, this is probably just like before, like the fight with Nagato-san.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right, Koizumi-kun. I suppose this is where we actually try and have to pierce through the illusion, right? So like, in reality, Kanon was just carrying a Katana or something. “

“Aww, you guys are so mean to poor Kanon-kun! He’s been a loyal servant of the Ushiromiya family for years now. He was granted his powers by the black magician Kinzo as a reward for his loyalty, and now that he finally gets to put them to use to defending his masters, you guys just laugh at him and say it’s all a lie! Don’t you guys have any love?”

Lambdadelta stared at us with a pouty face and puppy dog eyes. Yeah, whatever. This isn’t over, right? Let’s get back to it.

 “You guys were the ones that interrupted in the first place. Jerks.”

The scene resumed as Kanon’s blade cut through the chain, and Battler burst into the broken closed room.
But it was too late. There was a stake buried in the foreheads of both Rudolf and Dr. Nanjo. Fresh blood trickled down their faces, and Rudolf’s gun was still smoking.

“Damnit… We’re too late. I’m always too late. Who was I kidding? Just because there were outsiders, things would change? Eheheheh….”

“Battler-sama… I’m sorry. This is my fault.”

“Now now. Don’t go playing the blame game just yet. This twilight isn’t over.”

With a swirl of golden butterflies, another girl appeared. She looked a lot like Belphegor, but her hair was longer and straight, and she had a much more savage demeanor.

“Lucifer. You’re looking as boobie-licious as ever. Look, just go ahead and kill me now, alright? I’ve had enough.”

“Sorry, Battler-sama. But none of us are supposed to hurt you. Beatrice-sama’s orders, okay? I’m here to kill little Kanon. Looks like you’ll be making the walk back to the mansion all on your own.”

As Lucifer began laughing evilly, Kanon crouched into a defensive stance, his energy blade at the ready.
“Don’t worry, Battler-sama. I should be able to defeat her. Get out of here while you can. “

“I know that. I’ve seen you beat her before. But run away? You’re kidding, right? You heard her; they’re under orders not to hurt me. But as far as I’m concerned, I can hurt them as much as I want.”

Grinning, Battler knelt by the corpse of his father, picking up his gun and grabbing some spare bullets from Rudolf’s pocket. Reloading the weapon in a practiced motion, he cocked it and leveled on Lucifer.

“I’ve had an awful lot of time to practice an awful lot of things. So, sis. Think you can take both of us?”

Growing, Lucifer jumped toward Kanon, a blade of energy extending from her arm as well. Good thing
Belphegor never used that trick on me. The two clashed, sending up a shower of sparks, followed by a bang as Battler fired at her from the side.

Lucifer immediately became a swirl of butterflies and disappeared, dodging the bullet before reappearing behind Kanon and assaulting him anew. The two danced in an expert display of swordsmanship, parrying and countering with polished precision. Both were able to land small cuts on each other, but nothing serious until Lucifier came at Kanon with a strong attack that left him somewhat off balance.

“Satan, now!”

With a mad cackling and the sound of ricochet, another stake tore through the room and aimed straight at Kanon’s unprotected back.

*BANG*

The stake went flying, crashing into the wall and turning into a blood covered girl with white hair. Holy crap, that’s an incredible shot. I know firsthand how fast they move. It’s one thing to hit a baseball with a bat; it’s another to shoot it out of midair with a shotgun.

“Sorry, but your attack patterns are pretty predictable, and I’ve had a lot of time to memorize those too.”

Lucifer just stared for a moment, shocked. Kanon took advantage of the opening and managed to score a shallow cut across her midsection. She was on the defensive now and Kanon was able to press the attack.

“Argh, damnit! Fine! We can’t hurt you, but that doesn’t mean we have to let you interfere either. Beelzebub, Asmodeus, restrain him! “

Two more sisters appeared on either side of Battler and clamped tightly around his arms. He began to struggle, but couldn’t get the gun up into a useful position.

“Argh!  Damnit, let me go!”

“Sorry Battler-sama, but this is what our big sister told us to do! It’s not so bad, right? I wish I could hold you like this more often, mmm.”

“Is that so? Asmodeus, let me make it a bit better for you then.”

Much to mine and her surprise, Battler leaned over to Asmodeus and kissed her straight on the lips. Her eyes went wide with shock for a second, but she quickly started blushing, then reached up to pull him into a deeper kiss, moaning slightly.

This impromptu romance ended almost as quickly as it had begun. Battler raised his now free gun arm and blew a hole through Asmodeus’ chest. As she fell away looking utterly horrified, he managed to spin and rifle-butt Beelzebub off of his other arm, cocking his gun and raising it to support Kanon again.

Damn, that was cold.

He was too late though. Before he could get the gun raised into position there was the ricochet of the final sister, Belphegor, and this time she connected directly with Kanon’s back, piercing his lung.

With a final, group cackle, the remaining sisters all vanished, leaving the two alone. Battler dropped his gun, rushing over to Kanon and cradling him in his arms.

“Battler-sama… I’m sorry. *Cough* I should’ve been prepared for that attack again.”

“Hey, don’t worry about it. We tried, but it never matters in the end. I’ll see you in the golden land, buddy. “

Kanon let out his final breath, soulless eyes staring towards the ceiling. Battler simply closed Kanon’s eyes, grabbed the gun, and walked out the door without looking back.

“Ah, that was brilliant. This Battler is so much more fun than the old one. Bern, I think he might just be your greatest masterpiece. I’m just so moved!”

Lambdadelta mockingly dabbed at her eyes with a handful of tissues, sniffling and heaping praise on Bernkastel. The flashback ended, and the screen switched back to the view of us all on the couch.

“You’re giving me too much credit, Lambda. All I did was hand a monkey a set of paints and easel. It’s bound to create the Mona Lisa eventually, right?”

I leaned back into my chair, and found myself staring up at the ceiling. Where are we supposed to start with this one? Pretty hard to reason out a crime scene just through secondhand knowledge. Hey. Haruhi, go ahead and take this first part, okay?

“What? Kyon, don’t tell me your giving up already?”

Huh? Of course not. I just need a minute to think, that’s all.

“Fine. Alright then, this just seems silly, so I’m not even going to waste my time with the blue. So go ahead and tell us there’s not some stupid suction based contraption / trap door that pulled them into the room.”

“Huh? What are you talking about? Didn’t you know? The Ushiroymiya mansion actually has a hidden amusement park in its walls! There are crazy slides, trap doors, roller-coaster and elevators behind every panel! ~”
…

“Just kidding! Yeah, I’ll grant your request. [Red] There are no hidden doors, trap doors, or crazy contraptions located anywhere within the guesthouse. [Red] I mean, that would be pretty stupid, right? And since your friend isn’t around to mess with the game board anymore, you won’t be getting any free answers. I guess you’re going to have to pursue a different line of reasoning. “

Lambdadelta spun around on one foot, giggling as the logic game began anew. She stumbled mid spin though, grasping for her chest, and for a split second I could see the faint outline of blue that indicated the position of the spears still lodged there.

“Ehehe… Hey Bern, why don’t you play with them for awhile? I mean, I’ve already hogged too much of the fun for myself.”

Bernkastel cocked an eyebrow and held Lambdadelta’s gaze for a long time, before finally putting her teacup down and turning to face us.

“Very well. If the thought of facing humans again terrifies you so much Lambda, I guess I have no choice but to cover for your incompetence. Well then. Do the rest of you have anything to add, or are you going to give it up already?”

“I was just testing the waters! Don’t think we’re done yet.”

Haruhi met the witch’s stare with defiance, but then turned back to me, a frown on her face as she appeared to be in deep thought.

“Where do we start with this, Kyon? I mean, it’s obvious what we saw wasn’t what really happened. The story was “embellished with magic” or something like that.”

Yeah. But even if we don’t have much to start with, we have to narrow it down with the red, right? Hey, how many entrances or exits does the room have?

“[Red] There is one door. The door was locked and sealed with a chain lock, until Kanon cut through the chain. There are two windows. [Red]”

Yeah, that sounds about right. I remember spending some time in the guesthouse, that room was a simple bedroom with a bunch of small beds. There weren’t any adjoining rooms or bathrooms in it, like the one Haruhi and I stayed in.