Today marks the 200th day I moved out. Its an odd mix of emotions.

I've been thinking about the relationship you and I have had. We were able to talk about everything and anything like jobs, jokes, friends, and frustrations in a way I haven't had with hardly anybody else. We stuck by each other through some tough shit, including poverty, mental illness, and faith changes. We built a life together; we had cars, a dog, had favorite tv shows together, and goals in life. Earlier this year we ran into troubles with poverty and mental illness at an unexpected time, and it put a strain on both of us and our relationship suffered because of it. I made the hasty decision to move out.

There are many things from the last 200 days that I wish I could do over.

I wish I had talked to you about moving out before just doing it. I now realize that was unfair to you emotionally. It should have been a joint decision that we made after we had taken the time to make sure we were both on the same page.

I wish that I had given the separation more time before saying "we make better friends than partners". The time between when I moved out and said that was about 50 days. I had hoped that things could be fixed in that short amount of time. I had hoped that there would be a grand event that swept in and fixed everything, which was naive of me. This deserved time to process. I mistook you needing time to process everything as being uninterested in even trying, which was unfair of me because 50 days was not enough time to process anything.

During the first 50 days of our separation I listened to Blink-182's "Always" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qg8c-nbZvzw) quite a bit thinking of you, and felt like it was inevitable that we would get back together. I now realize that its not inevitable that we will get back together, and that relationships require time and effort that I wasn't properly putting into ours.

I wish that we were on better terms. I miss being able to send you funny memes. I miss smoking with you. I miss working on projects like ApotheCawley. I miss hearing about what's going on at the daycare. I miss hearing you parody songs like a fucking champ. I miss watching The Office/Battlestar/Parks and Rec with you. I miss being able to talk to you or even see you without this weird tension. I wish that we could do these even if we didn't stay together.

At the Halloween party Emily and Michelle asked what happened between us and why we weren't talking anymore. I knew it was because it was all like a big ball of tangled emotions. We were both angry, hurt, and unsure of a lot of things. I had no idea how to untangle it or if you even wanted it to be untangled.

We have realistically talked about divorce for the last 150 days, but neither of us has actually taken the time to fill out the paperwork to get the ball rolling. I don't know why you haven't, but in the back of my mind I had hoped that time would heal the wounds enough to where we could possibly think about restarting our relationship.

I've been afraid to ask if this is a possibility because the answer could be "no". I want to know even if this is a possibility even if the answer is no. If I went through the divorce and never said anything, I would regret it forever.

Is there any way we could meet for coffee or something to talk?