Temporally Tossed

Temporally Tossed


It was a beautiful day at WILLE for drama. Naturally, this manifested in the strangest of ways.

“Where… am I?” croaked the broken voice of a savior.

“Patient is awake, beginning procedures.” Warmly came the voice of a different savior.

After rounds of pointless medical checks, much prodding, and several guns drawn upon him, Shinji Ikari realized that something was amiss. He seemed to be at NERV, he thought to himself, but the fact that he could feel motion meant that he was wrong. “Um, Miss? Miss medic? I have no idea where I am, would you kindly explain just what the hell is going on?”

She bit her lip in an achingly familiar way. “Well, Shinji-kun, you have in essence come back from the land of the dead. We are glad to see you here once more though. Well, I am. Colonel Katsuragi and the others are cold. Don’t take it too hard if they are mean to you, please. Its been… tough, without you, Shinji-kun.”

“Well, that’s… uh, worrying. Seems like I’m fine now, though.” She gave him a big thumbs up and a happy grin, tongue stuck out cutely. Shinji noticed her blue bandana, and overall cut of her uniform, which made sense considering how cold it was in here.

“Wait, wait. It’s cold? Where the hel- I mean, where the heck are we? Japan is the Devil’s armpit. How… how long was I out? Also, how exactly was I dead?”

Instead of explaining, the Medic took a call from the surprisingly cold voice of Misato. ‘Wait, she’s a Colonel now?!?’ he thought with some alarm. “-lright, will do.” The Medic finished. She had a way about her that Shinji knew in his bones was familiar, but couldn’t place…

“You can say fuck, you know.”

“Huh?”

“Fuck, shit, son of a whore’s cunt. Don’t be such a prude, Shinji-kun. We left such moralistic concerns back in Near Third Impact. Now, get ready, I’m sure that all will be explained to you by the Colonel and the Doctor.” She finished, leaving him speechless. He was unceremoniously wheeled into the Bridge of… whatever the hell this was.

The bridge was… strange. Too open, full of strange looking gantries, and no one was recognizable. Except… “M-Miasto?” He saw her turn slightly, but her face was a cold mask, colder than the windows that reached over a dead red sea. “Ikari. We have no need of you, sit down.”

“E-excuse me?!?”

“You can’t pilot an Eva. You aren’t needed for this battle, and should sit.”

“What the fuck? Misato! Battle? No need of me? What’s going on?” He demanded as tears started to well up in his eyes. This was like a nightmare, or some bad attempt at drama in a sitcom.

Misato ignored him. Just like Father. Even Ritsuko didn’t spare him a second thought, while the Medic looked nearly green with sickness at this display.

“I… I must have been out so long that you have come to hate me. This is childish of you, Misato. You’ve been a mother to me and now you don’t even pretend to look at me! How long was I out, for this to happen? Even Ritsuko looks like she’s come out of chemo or something…” He trailed off. They didn’t even care! He bit off a curse. He couldn’t stand to look at her, so he looked out the window instead.

There was a vast fleet here, covered in wires like the mountain had been when Ramiel was defeated. “So, this is Antarctica, then. Must be, since the sea is red. Wait, what’s this on my neck?” He said aloud, not expecting a response.

“Don’t mess with that, Ikari. It’ll make sure you don’t get in another Eva ever again. Last time was horrible enough.” Ritsuko said, dryly. Her eyes then seemed to perk up, but before she could say what was on her mind, the Medic spoke her thoughts for her.

“What do you mean, since the sea is red?”

“Huh? Are we just going to ignore that I’ve been imprisoned on a ship in the middle of the sea for no reason?”

“We can get to that later, Shinji-kun. Now, this is important, explain what you meant. I am your Doctor after all, so go ahead.” She reasoned patiently. She was kind.

“Well… The Sea of Antarctica is completely dead. 2nd Impact caused the whole sea here to become poisonous, which in turn hurt the rest of the oceans. The sea here was no fish at all, but there’s fish and even whales still up north. Why… why are you looking at me like that?”

“Ika- I mean, Shinji…” Ritsuko began evenly. “Please, uh, continue.”

“What, is this an oral report for class? The Antarctic stream kept the red death from spreading, trapping it here like it does everything else. Mariners have used the current for generations before this, and what still seeped out was cleaned up by the Big Shell. The chain of research and cleanup rigs? Wait, terrorists never took it over, right? I had heard that there was a problem before the battle, but I never heard the outcome. Did it break?”

The room looked at him like he was crazy.

“…This is very, very bad.” Ritsuko murmured. “The Eva core isn’t well understood even now, but to have a full Ba replacement…”

“Ba? Like, Ka and Ba? I knew that NERV liked weird Christianity references everywhere, but I didn’t know that we had to dip into Egypt as well. What the hell are you on about, Doc?”

“Take him to his room. Full debriefing. He needs to be off this bridge as of 5 minutes ago.” Misato ordered. It was like he didn’t even know her anymore.

It was possible that he really didn’t know her anymore.

Again, unceremoniously, he was shipped off just as full battle Stations were sounded across the Ship, for that was all he knew about it. The Medic held his hand as he was rolled to a plain white room with a bed, table, two chairs, and a dresser. Finally, he could get some pants.

“Leave us.” The Medic ordered to his guards, who were unnerved, but complied silently. Something was dreadfully wrong, but he felt he was in no danger at all, even with the battle going on outside.

Watching her take a seat, Shinji felt that he had to ask. “Do you mind turning around? I really want to put on some real clothes, get out of these scrubs.” He explained.

“Go ahead, Shinji-kun, it’s nothing I haven’t seen before, and you are real easy on the eyes.” She winked at him. Seeing his horrible blush in the mirror behind her, she snorted cutely at his feeble protests. “Ah, hah. Ah me. I was kidding, I’ll turn around, yeah.”
Shinji was too embarrassed to look at her, so he heard her scrape the chair around, and quickly found and put on a pair of boxer briefs, plain black slacks, and a white shirt. “Same as my school uniform… Can’t there ever be a nice hoodie or Hawaiian shirt for me?” he bemoaned himself lightly.

“Well, at least it fits nicely. Being stuck in the Eva core sure didn’t hurt your muscles either, hunk~” She called out cheekily.
“I see that Misato has been a bad influence on youoooooo were you watching through the mirror the whole time!?!” He received a wry wink through the mirror. His blush was even worse than before.

She turned the chair to face him and gestured for him to sit, so he did. “Miss Medic, I… oh wait. I never got your name, Miss. I apologize. I am Shinji Ikari, Pilot of the Evangelion Unit 01. Or, was. I really need that cleared up for me…”

Smirking the way Touji used to smirk at him, she declared that “Well, since you don’t recognize me, let’s play a game until you do. Here’s a hint.” She thrust her legs up on the table and leaned back her chair. “Recognize these shapely legs, Hunk?” She challenged behind a wide grin. She was fun!

Shinji leaned into the barb. “I’d remember something so perfect under normal circumstances, Dear, but as it is, I can’t. I’ll be sure to be dreaming about them tonight, though.” He winked back at her. Misato was always defeated by such measures, and some semblance of the past was very welcome now.

“Hmm, better! There’s hope for you yet. Here’s another hint. We met a long time ago.”

“Mmmm, don’t recall. I would have scooped you up if I had, no question about it.”

“You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting to hear you say that, Hunk.”

“Huh?”

Sitting up a bit, she pulled up her right legging. The scar was long, white and spiraling from her calf down to the ball of her ankle. He knew that it went all the way up to her mid-thigh. “Recognize this, Shinji-kun?”

He knew that because it was the same scar that Sakura Suzuhara had. That Touji’s sister had.

“H-how.” He trembled; voice frayed.

“It’s been 14 years. Everyone is alive, don’t worry, but… you’ve been in there for 14 years. I’m sorry. If it’s any consolation, I’ve missed you more than words can express, even if you are maybe different now.”

“D-different?”

She straightened up, eyes unwavering and calm. “Now, I don’t pretend to understand what the Doc says most of the time, but, well, do you know anything about Egypt?”

Steeling himself, Shinji nodded. “Yes, I did a big class project on it a few years ago. Well, many years ago now. This has to do with what Ritsuko said, right? The Ka and Ba? The doubles of the Soul?”

“I knew that you were a prime guy! Real smart too! Yes, well, um…”

“I’m the wrong Shinji, aren’t I? You’ve pulled the wrong Shinji out, and instead pulled out an alternate universe version. Me.” She nodded sagely. “Well, that’s the long and short of it, Hunk. Would… would you want to get some drinks or something? We are both legal adults now, so…”

“Only if you drink with me. I always wanted to try rum, only fitting since we are at sea. I’m gonna need something strong to process all this…” He trailed off, watching as she typed away his order into her tablet, and found himself staring into her soft dark eyes. It was her. Just… older.

“I was right. You did turn out as pretty as a postcard. Been breaking hearts left and right, huh?” he jabbed at her. “Well, the Schnapps, I ordered Schnapps since for some reason all we have is German alcohol, it will be here once the battle is over. Apparently, we are already airborne.”

Shinji looked at her in amazement. “Fuck me. This thing flies? When did NERV ever get the… oh, wait, yeah. 14 years.” He finished lamely.

“Well, if you promise to take responsibility, I could see us doing that. Touji would have his shotgun ready for the marriage, though.”

“You think you are funny, being so cheeky?”

“Only for you, Hunk.”

“What’s with the name, anyway? You never explained it years ago, and I’m not even built all that well. Just did a lot of training and walking.” Shinji felt natural talking to her. Far easier than whatever the hell had replaced Misato.

“W-well, you were bigger than me back then, and I’m just a bit taller than you now, so you’ll probably, maybe, grow. You were so brave then, even if you only visited me once a month and you only ever came with my brother. You have a quiet sort of bravery, y’know?”

“I’m sorry to say that you felt so well about him. I’m honored that you noticed me like that though. I tend to shrink away from social situations, so- wait, once a month? I visited you every Sunday and we watched a movie every time since you couldn’t get up? And what do you mean, might grow?”

She always fidgeted with her hands like that when she was nervous, he was glad to note had remained the same. “Looks like I was the unlucky Sakura then. Didn’t stop me from having a years long crush on you.” She murmured, “OH! I mean, um, uh, YOUR BODY. Yes. It might not grow any more.  Something to do with long term exposure to Eva. Asuka is 28 and still her same old 14-year-old self. You… might be immortal, if you are like her. You are only 2 years older than me, so it wouldn’t be weird now if we, um, did maybe go out.”

“You are completely hopeless, you know. Preying upon the first immortal 14-year-old you see, shame on you.” He teased blithely. “I’d like to, if you’d be willing to have me. I’ve never been able to talk to a girl like this before, maybe it’s shock, or maybe I just trust you completely. If you don’t mind me asking, though, where the hell are we? What’s different between my 14 years ago, and your 14 years ago?

“Well, I’m glad you asked, Shinji-kun!” She settled back into her chair, making sure to give him a nice view of her legs, which was a nice thought. “…”

“…”

“…You want me to go first, or you?”

“I’d like to hear your voice more, so you go first.”

“Flirt. Alright, get ready for bad news that you had nothing to do with then. 29 years ago, 2nd impact. A billion die worldwide initially, with India, Pakistan, and China nearly wiping each other into dust afterwards, killing another 2 billion with war, famine, etc... The complete sea is poison, not just the Antarctic. Following me?”

“Yes, Suzu-, er, Sakura. Sounds about right, except for the sea.” She smiled beatifically at him. He’d have to keep using her name, then. Shit, was he really finding a girlfriend only after he was dead?!?

“GEHIRN forms, does a bunch of Eva research for SEELE, Katsuragi joins NERV as soon as it forms from GEHIRN.”

“SEELE?”

“Basically, the Elders of Zion.”

“Who?”

“…The Illuminati? The Council of 12? NWO?”

“Wait, surely you aren’t serious. There’s no fucking way that the Illuminati are real, they’d tear each other apart!”

“Don’t call me Shirley. I’m Sakura, remember?” She smirked as he ground his teeth at her. “Well, I dunno if they didn’t exist in your world, or if you just didn’t know. SEELE’s plan is to create Human Instrumentality, to basically turn everyone into LCL so they can rule over the resulting hivemind or consciousness or whatever the hell it is.” She eyed him warily. “You seem to be taking this probably a little too well.”

“Oh, please. Father was up to his eyeballs in this stuff, his office has a huge Tree of Life on the floor, none of this surprises me in the least. It’s wacky and pretty retarded at even the conceptual level, much less the nuts and bolts of it. NERV pilots giant purple robots against space terrors though, so this is less of a bridge too far, more of the way to school for me.”

“…right, extended metaphor aside, that’s about correct. Continuing then. Angels show up the day you arrive, I get my legs hurt in your first battle, I develop a crush on you that definitely didn’t emotionally cripple me for years when you died. Um. Ignore that. You, Rei, and Asuka fight through all 12 angels, with the last one, Zeruel, nearly killing everyone in the Geo-front but you save the day at the cost of your life and the entire city, all to save Rei. What was that all about, anyway?”

“Those answers died with the Old Shinji. I never saved Rei last battle. She used a huge N2 mine to buy time and was vaporized. Only a charred skeleton remained of her Eva. Also, the Dead Sea Scrolls said there was 17 Angels, what do you mean there’s only 12? Rei’s a clone, though, she’s probably fine.”

“Well, maybe we can parse an answer out of you. Rei got sucked into the Angel when the n2 mine went off, starting a near third impact, but the old Shinji didn’t really help matters when he intentionally joined with the Angel as his Eva went berserk, and pulled out Rei’s soul or something. It was very confusing, you didn’t… have feelings for her, did you? Because she your half-sister.”

Shinji was stunned for a moment. “How?”

“Well, your Father cloned his wife, added in tons of DNA from Lilith, plus some of her soul, and just kept cloning her to have backups, flood the Angels in corpses to put out the fires.”

“I always viewed her like a sister, and I’m glad that it didn’t get any further than that. My family is screwed up enough without adding in accidental incest, thank you very much.”

Just then the bottle of Schnapps arrived, and Shinji thanked every god he knew for the help it would supply his tired mind. Sakura also seemed very glad for it, too.

Pouring out two shots for themselves, Sakura began a toast. “To a new beginning, here, on the Stage of the Apocalypse.” Shinji nodded and took his shot, hellfire down his throat and bringing warmth to his cheeks.

“Y’know, Sakura, I think I’ve said that exact phrase before.” He eyed her, watching as she eyed him back happily. “Well, who did ya think I learned it from? Before, you seemed just big into being dramatic, but now I think I have you pegged. You are a huge history buff this time around, Hunk.” She cheerily said before refilling the glasses.

“So, Near Third Impact, what does that mean, and how exactly is it my fault?”

She paused mid sip, before evidently deciding ‘to hell with it’ and downed the whole shot. ‘Well,” she began, licking her lips, “Had the old you simply killed the Angel, Tokyo-3 would still exist. Don’t speak, let me finish. The whole area for 50 miles is basically a red wasteland, buildings left in worse ruins than World War 2, completely empty and devoid of life like… like…”

“Like the cities of the Ancient Near East whenever they lost their gods, huh?”

“Huh? What do you mean?” she blinked at him with such soft eyes. “Well, occasionally, the Assyrians would show up and melt down the local gods, usually a big gold statue, and everyone thought that the magic protecting the city was lost because of it. Basically, this means that there were travelers 400 years later who wandered and met abandoned cities who had not a soul inside, swallowed up by the desert or plants, and there was no sign of why.”

“Holy shit dude, that’s super metal. But, not quite.  Tokyo-3 is all ruins, all shattered, and it’s your fault for letting your Eva go wild and eat the Angel and free Rei. You and Unit 01 became a god and decided that everything within 50 miles was unfit to live. We know Gendo and obviously me survived, so you must have known not to hurt everyone, and the city was almost completely evacuated, but you “saved” the city by destroying it. And, so, everyone is real pissed at you even 14 years later.”

“…Fucking Shinji. He could have… I dunno. I’m sure he did what he thought best. I only remember that after I shoved Zeruel out of the Bridge and up to the surface, I broke down and stained my teeth with his worthless blood, and consumed his slimy fruit of life, ate it whole, and gained infinite power. I then forced myself asleep, though. Food coma. The city was still standing, even if most of it was rubble, your dad fixed buildings like that in a month.”

“…That is an absolutely terrifying rendition of events. Do it again sometime, alright?”

“S-sure.” Shinji sipped his second glass.

“Why are you so, well, open about wanting a relationship anyway, Sakura? Usually people beat around the bush in fear of rejection. I know that I used to, before I learned to be open and to love myself. I used to be a turtle, burrowing as deep as I could into the Earth, and then into my shell. Eva dug me out and cracked me open, but what happened with you?”

Leaning forward on her elbows, eyes slitted and rubbing a finger against the rim of her glass, she was silent for a moment. Then, she spoke.

“Well, I opened up because of you, I guess. I was always the social butterfly, able to see how relationships worked in others. Unlike my brother, I observed. But, well, everyone left me but you two and Kensuke. You were so quiet and strong, though I could tell just how afraid you were. Maybe your old self never came out of his shell. I can’t imagine that he’d ever flirt back, so I banked really heavily on making it obvious.” She finished slowly, before looking at him through his very soul, it seemed.

“Well, I had had a crush on you since we met, even though you hurt me by accident, you owned up to it and you never really hid from me and my ire. You took responsibility, and that took guts. I was still 12 then, and I knew I had no chance with you, but a little girl had dreams. Then you died and the city was gone, and I came here along with Touji and Ken, and we joined WILLE.” She placed her hand softly upon his, tubbing her thumb against it.

“WILLE?”

“Oh, right. Silly me, never got to that part. Splinter group from NERV, trying to stop the apocalypse once Ritsuko told the world about Instrumentality. UN forces couldn’t take back Tokyo-3, threw in with us, hence the fleet that is accompanying us here on the Wunder.”
“I see. But, uh, aren’t we airborne?”

“Yeah, we got anti gravity engines, real sci-fi, very Spock. Actually, perhaps Aum Shinrikyo or Scientology would be a better comparison, especially for the old NERV style uniforms. Completely tasteless.” She explained.

“Personally, I think your bandanna makes you cute as a button, and those leggings really… uh, give you a leg up? I dunno, I keep having to reconcile the fact that I don’t feel weird for looking at them now.”

“Maybe Asuka was right, you are a perv if you were looking at little 12 year old me~” She said in faux surprise and anger. “Yeah, well, back then I felt guilty, but now I feel just incredible lust, just completely imprinted on my mind like a magnetic tape.” He flirted back, and she rubbed the back of his hand with her thumb again.

“Wow, Shinji, you really are old! Magnetic tape? You ever heard of streaming yet? No? Well, we will have to pickup movie night again soon, but only if you hold my hand the whole time.”

“Wow, jeez Sakura, already getting me into bed? People sure do move fast nowadays.”

“Well, the repopulation laws are still in effect, so prenatal care and marriage and such are streamlined. Plus, people have less inhibitions now, when there’s a good chance that tomorrow may never come, it makes every heartbeat special.” She smiled, like an old picture of a saint.

“Sure, that makes – wait a fucking minute. Repopulation laws? They actually went ahead with those?!? Oh god, what have they done to the age of consent in this timeline?” Shinji moaned.

Sakura indulged his little moralistic whining. “Well, since 2nd impact here, 14 has been legal adult status for many things. Misato could have legally initiated a relationship with you, had she not been your boss. Its of course far more regulated at that age, we didn’t lose all common sense, but Hikari had my niece, Meridian, at 17.  Being a mom got her early voting status, though, since she had a direct reason to vote for stability. We learned from the US that most people vote by family, but limiting the household to a single vote had been done away with in the 1830s for a reason. Having property wasn’t wide enough a pool, and you still can vote at 18 like usual, but the government figured that a family was enough proof of responsibility to get your foot in the door.”

“I’m sorry, part of me wants to unpack all that, and that Hikari and Touji got together, but. Pregnant at 17, and naming a baby Meridian?”

“Well, they were moving all across the world, fleeing. Japan still is run by the government of course, but anyone who was with NERV is in a bad legal area, somewhere between stateless and being traitors to the whole Earth. Thank god he was only ever a pilot candidate, and never got in an Eva. Meridian reflected how they had become citizens of the world, and their dedication to saving it.” She explained, now holding his hand.

“Jesus. I missed everything. How did he take to prosthetics- wait. Never was a pilot? Who was in the Eva with the 13th Angel then?” At this, Sakura looked deeply concerned, but figured out what he meant.

“Did you mean Bardiel? He was 9th here, and instead Asuka was in there. That’s how she lost her eye. She’s, ah, still pissed at you for that, but Gendo especially for the Dummy Plug system.”

“She lost her fucking eye? Christ! Sakura, how do you know all this? You spoke to everyone?”

Now she gave him a wry grin, and he felt his pulse rising. “I did, but I have access to all the files. Medical Officer, remember? And I have everything ever written on you. Health, measurements for your plugsuit, psychological reports, even a detailed analysis of your kinks.” She swallowed in game anticipation. At Shinji’s rising pulse, she felt it through his hand. “Seems like you either forgot or didn’t care that all NERV computers linked to the MAGI, and so, I know exactly. What. Makes. You. Tick.~”

“I-I-I need an adult?” he began.

“You are an adult, and I’m going to make you a Man, and you will make me your Woman.” She cooed as she leaned in toward him across the table. Ever closer, Shinji saw her desire and in turn knew that he returned it in full. He couldn’t believe this was happening, though! As he felt her hot breath in the chill room, panting softly from her soft, partially opened lips, he decided that he deserved some happiness too, and closed the distance like a friendly viper.

He didn’t know exactly how long the kiss lasted, and he didn’t know how many kisses they shared, but it wouldn’t matter. Even had he known that the wall was a two-way mirror, he probably would have gone all the way with her anyway.

On the other side of the wall, Asuka, Misato, Mari, and Ritsuko watched in rapt fascination as Shinji completely broke down Sakura over the course of 45 minutes of having been in that room together. Granted, they’d only actually been present for the last 20, since they had gotten the bottle, but considering its now empty status and how handsy they currently were getting, the group decided that this Shinji was far better than the old one.

“I wonder where he learned that technique, he’s an absolute natural. I’m actually really envious. C-can I stay in here, guys?” Mari begged her degenerate friends. Asuka dragged her out before anything untoward happened, and there the happy couple was left to their own devices, clothes being lost, and memories being made.

Now, if only Touji hadn’t been made Captain of Internal Security, with access to the security cameras and the biggest guns. Such was the nature of drama under WILLE’s power.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________


It was by night he arrived at NERV, dragged back by the tools of his father. Rei had ignored his calls for peace and civilized discussion, and had been ordered to bring here posthaste, and thusly, he was. Shinji sure wasn’t happy about it though.

“I AM RETIRED! Why the hell have you brought me here? To pilot Eva again? I can’t! Nor am I willing to, you fucking Star Trek reject! Actually, what’s with the new getup, Gendo? Its literally the worst outfit I’ve ever seen in my life.” Shinji snarled at the monster that was his father. “How could you tear me from the best week in bed I’ve ever spent? I was finally loved, you ass! And who is this guy? A replacement son? What, Rei wasn’t enough even as dozens of clones, so you picked up this guy? I beat all your angels for you, let me stay home and rest finally.”

His father eyed him harshly, probably, was hard to see under his stupid visor.

“Your angels?”

“Yeah, you guys only have to deal with 12- FUCK!” Shinji started to tear at his hair.

“A complete Ba replacement… How will this affect our Scenario?” Fuyutsuki mused softly to his friend. Gendo merely grunted, having possibly lost his voice for some reason.

“Be that as it may, you will pilot to our ends.” He turned to leave, and Shinji felt like crying like he was 5. It was being left at the train station all over again.

“How in the world am I going to get out of this one… and get back to Sakura…” he wailed in a voice just above a whisper. Suddenly, he felt a handkerchief patted along his eyes. It was none other than New Son!

“Thanks, erm, what’s your name? Sorry if I was rude about you earlier. That bastard, Gendo, isn’t even my real father, as you heard.”
“My, my, aren’t the dramatic problems of the Lilim so delightful? Oh, where are my manners? I am Kaworu Nagisa, and you must be… Shinji Ikari, or A Shinji, at any rate. What brings you here to NERV?”

“Well, obviously, I’m not here by choice, but here I am. Are you… Are you Tabris? Because the Dead Sea Scrolls told us that the 17th Angel would be named such, call people lilim, looks like a cat, and you match all the ancient descriptions.”

“Why, yes, I am. Anno sure knew me, kept me exactly the same from conception to final release. I wouldn’t worry any, dear friend, because I am the Angel of Free Will, and I choose to live.”

“Choose to live here? This place is a dump.” Shinji scratched his head faintly. This was already a weird day, best to just roll with it.

“Well, until you blew up the whole city, this place was very nice. I watched my inept brothers and sisters fall to your blade, and I have no desire to meet the same gruesome fate. Indeed, for I have met you countless times across countless universes. Did you know? There is one where we live in the Star Wars universe, and Rei is leading clone armies to find Armisael to bring you and Asuka, her dear lovers, back to life, to join her in immortality. Really, a very fine universe, everyone gets cool armor.”

Well, this day kept getting weirder anyway.

“Do I get to be Count of Monte Cristo in this universe? I mean, the old me is literally dead, and I do like mysterious cloaks.”
“Why, Shinji, my dear friend, NERV can be whatever you want. Cosplaying can be fun even when it is just two or three of us, though the effect could have been greater had we visitors. In fact, I can even teach you to float menacingly towards your opponents, like an evil god.”

“I…I subject myself to your tutelage. Show me everything.”

The next weeks were filled with rummaging through 14 year old dead thrift stores, making costumes for Rei, Kaworu, and Shinji, practicing cool lines, learning piano, and most of all, manipulating the holy light of the soul.

“The AT Field as a way to levitate…” Shinji began.

“Indeed, young pupil. The Dark Side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities all would consider to be very cool. You must have fear, surprise, and intimidation to have any chance against the other practitioners of this art. You have been given a good head start, 14 years inside an Evangelion’s core has strengthened your soul to levels unmatched by any human being before you. Even Rei, who is of angelic origin, would have a hard time breaking your shields. I, however, can. If you hope to survive, you must stop me every time. En Garde!”

Where Kaworu had found rapiers was a mystery, but in a suitably homoerotic fashion, he and Shinji took to them like ducks to an oil spill. For now, they practiced speed and footwork, blocking and weaving around strikes. Ducking beneath thrusts, his AT Field flaring as a silver tip tore at his thighs, 4 strikes a second, ramping up to 10. Kaworu, as always, did not sweat a bead as he concentrated, and it was all Shinji could do to parry and survive this onslaught. Rei cheered him on from the sidelines in a sisterly monotone of “You must win, Shinji. Kick his ass. Woohoo.”

Naturally, Shinji lost 47 times in a row. Seeping blood like a stone altar in Aztec ritual, Shinji called an end to the day’s training of swords. Rei tossed him a can of a new LCL based spray medicine that healed his wounds like he was a Pokemon. When he had applied that and drank his royalty free NERV branded energy drink, and having caught his wind, Kaworu announced that it was finally time to practice floating menacingly.

“To float, you must have absolute assurance of yourself. It also takes a great deal of energy, which is why it is almost always done at night by vampires and other such beings, especially in movies.”

“I presumed that to be because of the need to hide guy-wires in films?” Rei queried, to which Kaworu nodded. “This is true, but I meant more the effect of floating is exhausting, hence why bad guys saunter everywhere rather than run. This… will be very difficult for you, Shinji. You have no S2 organ, and thusly have no infinite draw of power, but you are very efficient, I have seen. Once you get it working, you can likely do it while sleeping even.”

“This is really neat and yet totally unbelievable. When do we start?” Shinji tittered on his toes excitedly.

“Right now.” Kaworu declared happily as he floated several feet into the air. “Think to yourself “Up. I must float, simply because I am floating.” And then you shall.”

Shinji, for the first time in his life, couldn’t get it up. His entire physical form, that is. Very disappointing. He felt the power rise from his skin, focus beneath his feet, and then… nothing. Even Rei floated a few inches above the ground, figure skating across the floor in a good rendition of the Charlie Chaplin bit from Modern Times. He had just seen that one with Sakura before he got kidnapped.

God, he missed her. Had it already been 3 weeks?

“It is powered by faith, and faith alone, Shinji! Quite literally, you must Go With God, My Son to get it right.”

“What do you mean, Kaworu? Like in The Last Crusade?”

“Yes, though I probably quoted it wrong. Step off these stairs and into His Glory.”

There was nothing but his will and his faith in himself. Stepping forward, he knew that he would stay level. And so he did. For twenty paces he stayed level, eyes closed in concentration. When he jumped, he fell against the invisible floor of his soul. And when he opened his eyes, he could see the hall beneath him, watching it stretch out and shrink as he rose and fell. Now all he needed was to perfect this, and he could likely just fly his way out of here.

“This is amazing, Kaworu. But, I have to ask… can I make wings of these? I wish to fly like a bird, if necessary. Let all know terror as I swoop down from on high.” He asked as he floated lazily near Kaworu.

“Hmm, do you know why this is called an Absolute Terror Field? It is because it is terrified, it, your soul, fears death and does all it can to prevent it. Normal humans have this manifest as their body keeping itself together, or as an indominable will. You, Rei, Asuka maybe, and I can do so much more.”

“What about Pilot Mari Illustrious Makinami? Can she manipulate her AT Filed in such a manner?” asked Rei.

“Literally who are you talking about?”

“Yes, Rei, of whom do you speak?”

“The British pilot who pilots the pink Eva. She shot at us the whole time I retrieved you.”

“Doesn’t ring a bell. Must have been very forgetful a character if both Kaworu and I haven’t heard of her.”

Sighing, Rei expanded. “She’s the pervert pilot with glasses.”

“OH! Yeah, her! No, I hope she doesn’t.” both Kaworu and Shinji stated in unison. Rei had no idea what to do about this united front of hate for this poor girl, so she said nothing at all.

Shinji finally took hold of his hated collar, and with the impenetrable light of his soul, tore it to ribbons, and blocked each spear from the metamaterial as it tried to finish him. He held it there until the power was drained, and felt freer than he had in a long time. Truly, Power was what broke the chains of slavery in all forms.

Meanwhile, thousands of miles away, a savior cried herself to sleep.

Shinji later found himself a master of time and space, or so he would style himself, as he descended with Kaworu into Terminal Dogma to undo the mistakes of his predecessor, and make the world whole once more by turning back the clock on the world.

“Sakura loves you, Shinji, as do I. She will forgive you if you return the world, just so long as you return to her in turn.”
“You really love me, no homo?”

Kaworu sighed deeply. After all the effort he had put into tasteful homoeroticism with him! “Yes. No homo.”

The rest of the ride to the Sub Basement of Solitude passed in silence. Nothing happened as they crossed the threshold into the final sanctum, and then suddenly, nothing continued to happen.

“So, we just pick up those spears then and whack em together and it’ll fix the timeline?”

Kaworu nodded. “That’s the plan, but they don’t look quite right. Hold off on messing with them for a while, while I compare notes.” Kaworu then pulled out a real paper notepad, which immediately started dissolving in the LCL. “I… forgot to write it down on waterproof paper.” He blinked and sheepishly said. Shinji slapped himself in the forehead through the dense LCL anyway.

“Well, considering how different they look now, perhaps this is a trap. No idea why it would be set up, though. Be easier to just initiate 4th Impact yourself, why would there be a need for us to be here?”

All these questions would have been answered had they not been interrupted by a vengeful Asuka and that other girl showing up.
“SHINJI! You bastard, here you are, working with NERV?!?! You traitor!” Asuka screeched through the intercom. “You left Sakura all alone, and I have had to hear her piss and moan for weeks now! “Oh, when is my Shinji coming home? Oh, I do hope he’s ok!” Then you went and took off your collar somehow, and she completely broke down. She’s been worried sick for a month and a half, and this last week has been especially hard for her! Because she thinks you are dead! Asshole!”

“Actually, she’s been sick all month. She’s been eating a lot to make up for it, though. Come back, Shinji, we need you to cook for her! And us, mostly us. The gruel they serve us isn’t nearly so good as yours!” No name pilot whined, whoever she was.

After a brief and pointless battle, which was extraordinarily cool and fast paced, really excellently choreographed and scored, absolute shame for anyone who missed it for whatever reason, Shinji reigned victorious over all comers, and against the advice of literally the entire room, plucked both spears from the giant corpse of Lilith.

The corpse, of course, exploded, and there was an enormous flash of light above them, somehow leaking from thousands of feet above them.

“…Huh. I figured the roof would have opened up and we would have floated out or something, remade the world, or destroyed it.” Kaworu mused softly.

Shinji led his gaggle of groupies up the shaft and came out to an unspoiled NERV HQ. And an unspoiled Tokyo-3. Which was weird, since the Wunder was above them and Gendo still had his dumb visor on.

And Yui was there.

“…So by using the spears, you restored the world’s natural beauty and avoided me the hassle of filing the insurance claims of an entire city. The world is in your debt, my wayward son. Go forth and return to the life you wish to lead.” She said. Shinji had only half listened, perhaps even just a fifth listened. How could she be here?

“Hey, uh, Mom. Sorry for not being inside you currently, but my worthless friends tuned you into an engine. And I guess pulled you out of the Eva. Wanna… wanna meet my girlfriend?”

By the time Shinji was ready to take flight back to the Wunder, it was night, and he was in his best outfit. All was well in the world, and, with his raven cape streaming behind him, and his mother in his arms, he soared to return to his home in the sky. As he landed, he put down Yui, who was now traumatized by her experience and wanted to crawl into a bottle. Before that, though, both were pounced upon by his love.

“SHINJI! Oh, please! Let this be true! Not another nightmare, not another dream, let me have him back.” Sakura cried into his chest. All his friends were here, even Touji, who had a shotgun for some reason. He had missed them all, even Misato who had been a horrible bitch to him since he woke up here.

He did all he knew how to. He simply held her and whispered to her. “I can’t promise I’ll never leave again, but I will tell you beforehand. I’ll do my best to stay with you, my love, and perhaps this I can make sure of. As long as it is within my power to stay, I will, unless I am needed elsewhere. In which case, I’ll bring you with me, love. Let’s never separate like that again. Our hearts cannot bear such things.” He said to her sweetly, patting dry her tears. She looked so very radiant, full of life, she belonged with him, and he with her, he realized.

“I’ll have to get you a ring, then.” He promised to her, taking her hands in his. He slowly wrapped a black ribbon around her ring finger, a promise of what was to come. As they stared into each other’s eyes, minds on the future, the moment was ruined by the cocking of a shotgun.

“I’ll say. Shinji, you didn’t wrap your willy here on the Wunder. So, you will get married, and I expect a wonderful nephew in about, oh, 7 or 8 more months. Or, I’m going to –“

“GOD DAMN IT TOUJI< HE SAID YES!” Sakura snapped. She leaned into him, and reading his mind, confirmed that “Yes, it’s true. I’m excited, and now you can finally have that big, better family than Gendo. You’ll be an excellent Papa, because I’ll be an excellent Mama for our children.”

Cackling maniacally, Shinji celebrated as best he could. He took her for a romantic cruise above the clouds with him.

As he promised her the Moon, Stars, and everything between them, life grew upon a shattered world, and all was well.