a guest Jul 18th, 2019 50 Never
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- I'm 29, male, this was a 20mg/70kg bodyweight equivalent dose if one exists. I ingested about 20mg at 7:30pm last night and then a further 10mg at 7:45pm. I would say it began to taper off around 11:30pm and completely finished around 1:00am.
- I did a fair bit of research into 4-ACO-DMT beforehand but much of what I expected was dictated by a friend more familiar with 4-ACO-DMT. I had a preconceived idea of what it might be like which was completely false. I assumed a lot of visual and auditory hallucination but this experience was less that and more introspection and self reflection. I'm not a particularly spiritual person but I can say this was a spiritual experience in the sense I looked at my own life, especially in the last couple of months, in a new point of view.
- I was told it might be a bad idea to do this for the first time succeeding a negative experience, yet I did. I had a large day-long fight with my wife and the moment I was alone, I didn't hesitate to start. I can break down my experience into three parts:
- The first 40 minutes or so I noticed very little. Almost nothing. I could tell things were starting but it was after this time did the first part I can describe kick in. I can only describe it as pure unadulterated terror and it lasted about an hour. I thought maybe I was having an insensitivity to 4-ACO-DMT and I was scared. Being scared was a recurring thought. I felt as if my body temperature rose to a high degree, and I was sweating profusely. Despite being on an empty stomach, I had extreme nausea. I stepped outside to let my dog out and at one point I collapsed on my backyard deck and being unable to get up. It felt like at times my body was fighting itself to function and I contemplated calling for help. I decided to truck through and managed to get inside at which point I sat at my computer and did so for most of my experience.
- The next part was about two hours. Maybe the potential of this experience was wasted but I listened to absolutely no music (unless you count I played a little guitar to myself) and instead most of the night was in silence. I watched a few Youtube videos (some of them on repeat) but otherwise dead silence. I took the opportunity to walk around my house and look at my dogs and I had feelings of novelty. This was something striking to me: I have a senior dog and looking at her under the influence of 4-ACO-DMT kind of gave me a novel outlook on her. I look at my dog every day, the familiarity doesn't break and she looks the same as she did for years. But this novelty made her unfamiliar. I can only describe what I saw as if I were a stranger meeting her for the first time. I know what she looks like _to me_ but this is what she looks like _to others_.
- This idea of novelty extended to looking in the mirror: this is me but what other people see, not what I see. An analogy I can think of is maybe you had a store you're familiar with near your childhood home. Over time, maybe the brick paint fades, chips, maybe it gets new additions here or there, maybe the signage changes, but to you, it's always been the same store. The gradual changes are unnoticed because they're so minor. But under 4-ACO-DMT, the minute differences become immediately apparent and you realize it's different.
- I had little visual hallucinations. Mostly afterimages and color fringing, bowel distortion, pincushion distortion on very near objects and when my eyes were closed. Interestingly, the most vivid visual hallucinations were when my eyes were closed. I could make patterns out of nothing, and while the imagery wasn't particularly interesting, the idea behind it was interesting.
- The last hour I can describe as complete introspection. If I can be honest, if it wasn't suggested to me that this was an introspective experience, I don't think I would have had one. Once I recalled "this is an introspective experience" is when it kicked in. I mentioned the fight I had with my wife earlier because this is when I began to think about it more. I thought about myself and my family and what it means to be in a family. What part I play in it, how I've behaved the last few months. I had clarity in the sense I looked at my situation as an outsider would, and thoughts I had about myself (being the victim in a lot of circumstances) were false.
- As strange as it sounds, under 4-ACO-DMT, this part of my experience made me believe I was on autopilot for a long time. Every action was reactionary. Things followed a progression of cause and effect, and it wasn't entirely good. This introspection made me break this thought process and "think for myself", think about my situation objectively rather than reactionary. Instead of "the way I act is a consequence of past actions", it is "the way I act is in the moment and a function of who I am".
- To be succinct, I thought about _me_. I thought about who I was. I had enough clarity of mind, however paradoxical, to look at my life objectively. And it made me realize things about myself I might not have thought about before.
- It was at this point it was tapering off yet I kept the clarity. I still do have the clarity. My friend sent me the Wikipedia page for "afterglow" and this is what I can best describe it as. As if the last couple of weeks have been washed away and I don't need to think about them. I felt and still feel as if my brain has had a strong trauma and it's healing itself. Like a computer defragmenting itself. I'm still myself but the "order" has changed. Things are more organized now and I can think clearer of myself and of the situations I find myself in. After everything was done, I went to sleep and woke up today still clear of mind. I feel serene.
- I don't know if I would take 4-ACO-DMT again. The "terror bump" is hard to justify. But I would still say this was a positive experience. It wasn't what I was expecting and what I got was better than what I anticipated. I think I am a better person because of it, because I know myself better. I know who I am and who I have been the last few months with regards to my family is not the same person. It was therapeutic and made me realize I'm maybe not as nice a person as I thought I was, not innocent, but I have the clarity to change now.
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