12 oz Mouse script: S1E03_Roostre

Episode 3: "Roostre"
trans: John W Sandwich (Chris Crisman-Cox)


int. Mouse's house. Mouse is asleep and having fitful dreams.

Dream sequence: The word "Doctor," with an arm extending from it, is holding Mouse's daughter by the neck.
MOUSE: No way. Is she supposed to be that small?

ext. A beach. A shark's fin is seen above the waves. Mouse and his family are on the beach.
Mouse laughs.

int. Mouse's house.
Mouse is looking at his ID card.
MRS. FITZ: Fitz, are you done? It's really late.
MOUSE: I'm doner than you'll ever know.
MRS. FITZ: You should come to bed.
MOUSE: (reading a letter that says: "Dear Mouse, Goodbye!") In a second.
Mouse is shot with a dart by Shadowy Figure
Shadowy Figure says something.
MOUSE: I've told you everything, and I'm threw. I quatt yesterday.
Shadowy Figure says something.
MOUSE: I just did it in front of your face.
Shadowy Figure says something. A helmet drops onto Mouse's head. Mouse screams.

int. Mouse's house. Mouse wakes up.
MOUSE: Uh, my head, my brain... my... my beer. (drinks some beer) What's that noise? That... that ticking. That ticking is coming from that clock.
Close-up on Clock. Then cut to the door. Someone knocks. Fitz opens the door. It's Skillet, holding a corndog-shaped package.
MOUSE: Oh, oh hey, Skillet.

ext. The street outside Shark's office. The phone is ringing.

int. Shark's office. Shark is asleep. The phone is still ringing.

SHARK: (clears his throat) Hello?
RBM: (on the phone) Shark, I have decided that it's time we had an important business meeting.
SHARK: I was kinda hoping... um... I thought you were dead.
RBM: I figured you were dumb enough to knew you thought that.
SHARK: Well, I, I guess that, uh, that we, I knew that you knew that.
RBM: Okay. But as everyone knows, I'm too rich to be dead.
SHARK: Well, um...
RBM: The magnitude of my wealth goes beyond any wall... of China.
SHARK: Yeah. Good for you. And uh, I'm rich in desire to sleep. So...
RBM: So what? Now is convenient for me.

RBM bursts in the door.

SHARK: Oh. Look at you. Here.
RBM: I AM here, more than you want. You've been getting the signals, I trust.
(Cut briefly to int. diner: Only Man/Woman is there, making an airhorn sound. Cut back to Shark's office.)
SHARK: Yeah, I got those.
RBM: Yes, you did got those. Arigato.
SHARK: How much does he know?
RBM: How much does who know?
SHARK: You know.

int. Mouse's house.
MOUSE: God I hate that clock so much.
Mouse knifes Skillet.
SKILLET: (screeches)
MOUSE: Oh. Skillet. Sorry Skillet. I didn't... I forgot it was you.
SKILLET: (screeches)
MOUSE: (looking at Skillet's package): Is that some sort of package?
SKILLET: (screeches)
MOUSE: Well, let me open it up.
Mouse opens the package, sees a glowing corndog.
MOUSE: This is a corndog. This must be a diving corndog. It must want... mustard.

ext. Roostre's farm
ROOSTRE (singing):
Some people, like to grow cotton.
Some people, slop them hogs.
Me, I do it different:
I grow big, old fat corndogs.
Where's that mustard at?
Jetcar crashes into the corndog fields.
MOUSE: I could get lost in this field of corndogs... for.. a long time. But I would never die because I could eat corndogs for the pickin'. Who are you?
ROOSTRE: The name's Roostre. R-double O-S-T-R-E. Sometimes all in capitals, depending on if you're yelling at me or not. So, you yelling?
MOUSE: I ain't yelling.
ROOSTRE: Well, not yet. See you found Footlong there.
MOUSE: Who's that?
ROOSTRE: Footlong! He's my homing dog. Got a sense for radar and quaznit.
MOUSE: So... your corndog has radar? I knew it. But what would he want with radar?
ROOSTRE: What's anyone want with radar? Everything, boy! Boy, mouse, whatever. You a mouse or a...
MOUSE: Or a what?
ROOSTRE: Well hell, I don't know! I just thought you were a mouse or something. I mean you look like a damn mouse. The mouse.
MOUSE: Maybe.
ROOSTRE: You know, radar spelled backwards is radar. Didja know that?
Mouse looks confused.
ROOSTRE: You're thinking about it, ain't ya?
MOUSE: Maybe.
Footlong starts to fly away.
ROOSTRE: What the hell? Get me missle command ASAP. Where in the hell's that damn mutt think he's going to? Hold on, you mangy smellhound. Here it comes. Fire!
ROOSTRE (cont'd): Hey, you want a beer? Or do we need to get 12?
A bird lands on Mouse's shoulder.
MOUSE: You talking to me or... this bird?
Cut to night, ext. Roostre's farm. Mouse and Roostre are sitting around a campfire.
ROOSTRE: And so uh, now when I sleep, I pull the covers over my ears because my sheets are banana spies. Because people who don't see hear very well. And that square guy, he's gonna get a nail up his ass next time he floors over here. Guaranteed.
MOUSE: The no-eye square guy.
ROOSTRE: You know the one. Listen Mouse. Listen all around you and hear what they want you to hear. Me, I'm out. I'm far out. I'm so... (clears throat) I don't... what'd I say?
MOUSE: Square guy.
ROOSTRE: (laughs) Like freakin' Pluto, man. You know? And you're in the middle, which unfortunately, is in the way.
MOUSE: So let me get this straight. You're... out of beer? Or not out of beer?
ROOSTRE: What'd I say again? What, what've I already... I'm serious man; I'm fried.

ext. Eye's island. (establishing shot) Eye is snoring.

int. Eye's house. Eye is still snoring.

Man/Woman pops up and gives him the airhorn.

int. Shark's office. Shark's slideshow is playing.
Slide 1: A man in large shoes surrounded by cryptic symbols.
SHARK: And then, uh, then asprind was invented.
Slide 2: An asprind pill
SHARK: Common cure for things that asprind cures. Leads to..
Slide 3: Rabies
SHARK: Rabies. We all, uh, we all clear up to now?
RBM: I just sold 30 million. I bet none of you have 30 million.
SHARK: Uh huh, like-
RBM: I live in a bank.
SHARK: Yeah, (going back to slide 2) and then asprind was invented. Common cure for things -
cut to shot of Black Beast over static
SHARK (cont'd): - that asprind cures.

ext. Roostre's farm. Continuing with Mouse and Roostre at night.
ROOSTRE: And that's when C.J. Muff left Q109. And I said, "Dog muff! What you doin' leaving Q109, you dumbass dog?
MOUSE: Well, that's um, that's all very interesting. I wonder where Muff went.
ROOSTRE: Muff who? I'm the freakin' corn dog king.

Cut to Skillet inside jetcar. New Guy appears. Skillet screeches. Cut back to Roostre and Mouse.

ROOSTRE: Where'd Muff go? Come on, Mouse.
MOUSE: Come on where?
ROOSTRE: You just don't get it, do you? You don't get it at all.
MOUSE: I got it. I got a beer.
ROOSTRE: Man, I am so shot.
MOUSE: I... (collapses)
ROOSTRE: Man, you're all kind of F'd up.

int. Rhoda's
RBM: Hey baby, I decided that since I'm a woman, and you're a man, that you would sleep over with me in my expensive bedding.
MAN/WOMAN: You don't have any eyes.
RBM: Remember, I'm rich.
MAN/WOMAN: I don't care about your money. Money doesn't mean anything here.
RBM: Well, dogs will bark, won't they?
MAN/WOMAN: Woman power on. (transforms into woman)
Peanut Cop enters.
MAN/WOMAN: Arrest this man.
COP: Who knows who I am here? Does anybody know who I am? Cause I'm under arrest.

int. Shark's office
EYE: I think that I am... very tired of the time. Very tired of the time. Very tired of the time. Very timed of the time. Very tired of the time. Very tired of the time. Very tired of the time. Very tired of the time gas.
(Eye is gassed).
SHARK: You're what again?
EYE: Eye-minent. Fruitfully Eye-minent.
SHARK: I... don't know what that means, but yes. Yes you are.

ext. Corndog farm in the morning.
MOUSE: Skillet, Skillet, Skillet get up. What're, What are these papers? These are some mysterious papers. I wonder if Skillet's been... turned into paper?

ext. New Guy's house. (establishing shot) Princess Cruiser is playing

int. New Guy's house. Pictures of Skillet cover the wall. Skillet is tied up and gagged in a chair. He screeches incessantly despite being gagged.
New Guy does a hula hoop dance.

int. Shark's office
SHARK: Hey, you're back.
MOUSE: Your back. Your front.
SHARK: Got a job for ya.
MOUSE: I'm enthusiatic about all beer. Especially this one.
SHARK: You like corndogs, Butch. Oup. Don't say "yes." I hate corndogs. It is Butch, isn't it?