Jason does this cute thing when I lay in his lap will he vends over to kiss me constantly and just smothers me in kisses. Sometimes when he's stressed if I give lots of kisses all at once it really seems like it calms him down and it is just the sweetest thing ever. Something he really likes is when I sit on his lap and hug him and he hugs me back. We watch comedy central so much and this stupid medical commercial to protect people from aids always plays, some drug called truvada, and he ALWAYS points it out when it shows. He's brought it up to his family multiple times and it's just so silly, all because two people in it look like fortnite characters. It's sort of become an inside joke. I've never met someone where I have so many inside  stuff like that to share. Sometimes he burps and then still says "oh sorry" because I used to tease him about it like "Jason you can't burp to your girlfriend!" but obviously I don't care I just think it's cute he's relaxed enough to do that to me. Its endearing when he does! Not just that but he just finds all these little things cute about me. I remember one time when I was doing my makeup he started crying to the music because he just said  he loved me so much.  And often he listens to music and says it makes him cry because he thinks of how much he loves me. I am so so lucky, I see one thing remotely romantic and think of him. He's gone through so much with me and still feels this and I am hoping this little booklet and the stuffed cinnamoroll plush will be a good way to show him how much I appreciate him. I know he wants to do good by us but I think I can do more to. I've been doing online therapy while waiting for insurance to cover therapist but I'll start therapy late September. He told me he doesn't believe I have to go anymore because of the couples counseling but  I still want to go. I just want to be healthier, and with the stuff my dad  and Andrew do to me all the time that he doesn't know about, maybe it will help me learn better coping mechanisms. The stress from everything in life is really starting to get to me. I see my self doing things more and more to him   and I'm getting so frustrated with myself. This isn't me. I put in a referral to start new anti depressants soon, usually takes few weeks to go through but I've done a lot of research so. I know I really need to be on medication again because I just handle things so much well and act so much more like myself. I was on them in April and may but I stopped because I think Prozac was hurting my stomach, this stuff is a lot like Prozac but slight differences and has such good reviews. I know I haven't been easy for him but he's so kind and still at the end of the day holds my hand, and if that isn't love I don't know what is. I really hope to show him how much I appreciate  him with this booklet. I may add some of my journal entry's in there and some screencaps of stuff I associate with us for him to think of when he feels down or something. I don't know if that will be enough to show or if it'll make him smile but it's a start. I know he has done so much for me. He drives two hours so much just to see me. You know, every time I hear about people who end up married and deeply in love it's always them driving far to see each other.  I don't tell him enough how much that means to him, I keep letting everything get in the way. I want to tell him how all these things mean so much to me but he gets here and I get so distracted by how excited I am to see him. He has the cutest facial expressions. I just melt and feel so giddy and all these butterflies.. And before I know it our time together is over and I didn't get to tell him how wonderful he is. I hope he understands. I hope he understands that I see his effort and I appreciate it so much. He's so excited for Halloween and the cold weather for cuddles!! I am too. I really can't wait to start new medicine so I can go back to myself. My mind has become so unhealthy and it's beating him down too. I just can't handle doing that to him. He's just too important. I'll be able to be more active too once I start stuff. I've been thinking about volunteering at schools to help with little kids and animal shelters to help scared cats learn to be a little more social. I know the potential of  children is really important for him and I've always been rely favorable with little kids, plus it would be something to just help me be myself again. I used to baby sit all the time. I don't know what's happened to me. A little longer bunny I promise I'll show you how strong I am ❤️   I keep telling him how unhappy I am but I'm not, why do I do this. If it weren't for him I would truly be unhappy, Jason makes me have so much warmth and I keep telling him otherwise because of my stupid head. Therapist thinks I may have borderline personality disorder which is why it's so important for me to be back on medication. He keeps saying he wants a job and I'm asking him to just wait a few weeks for me, I know he really wants to start buying me stuff but I know I'm falling apart and he's been very sweet about it. I feel so unattractive, and I love him so much and he tells me how beautiful I am all the time. I know be thinks I'm. Adorable, I know he falls in love with each of my expressions but I want to go back to how wonderful my body used to be. Exercising would help me mentally and energy wise, over all health wise and I want to dress in cute outfits for him and see how excited his face is. He makes the cutest faces when I dress up and I know he wants me too more. I just get so embarresed when I do but I want to try more with my looks so he feels like he can show me off when we go out. I ordered a dress skirt and a dress, I hope they fit and I hope he likes them! I kind of screwed up, he's kind of scared of my friends now since I've talked to them a lot when I've had episodes with him, a lot i caused, and I always tell them how wonderful he is, that it's always a misunderstanding and bad communication between him and I. They like him a lot and just want to see us happy, they ask about him a lot. I feel awful because I've made him sit there thinking he's not doing enough but he is. The fact he's even trying is so important. Someday I'm going to figure out how to show him that he is the most wonderful human being I have ever experienced in my life and that every week I fall more in love with him. I'm just a big dumby whose been screwing up a lot lately. You know he gets so excited when we do kiss ups. Remember that thing where I do sit ups and he makes sure my legs are straight and I kiss him with each sit up? Apperantly I make this face that he loves so much. It's just, he gets giddy at my work out face, how cute Is that.  I'm thinking of taking the train to see him to lessen the driving burden on him, I'm just waiting for stomach issues to settle down, I have my shot soon which is going to finally make me healthier again. He wants to go out a lot and I keep saying I can't because I've been so sick, but I'm going to make sure I get everything in check so there's never a moment where I can't. I'm going to force my self to volunteer. I'm thinking of secretly taking cooking lessons. I want to be able to cook for him when he's tired after a long drive over here. I think he'd really like that, I just want to spoil him. I'll spend the next few weeks trying to figure it out. He wants to come every other week and I'm kind of freaking out about it but I know he needs it. He needs to be able to come when he wants to not when he has to ans he's been doing so much for me. I am really scared because I'm scared that the more time he spends away from me the more time he realizes he doesn't want to be with me, after he tried to break up with me recently before  therapy.

Matt always ghosted me after he would go home, Jason said he would never do it again but I know I've been really hard for him lately and I'm just getting scared. I just really need to work on becoming who I used to be so it can be a healthy relationship for the both of us. Luckily Christmas is coming up and I'm going to be doing a lot soon to make sure we have the most wonderful winter together. I can't wait. I'm just really excited to become who I used to be, I haven't talked to him about it. I let him know I am looking into new meds and all but I' don't want him to feel like he has to be responsible for helping me work on my overall wellbeing, he does enough and that's a really big burden for him. I remember back in July he said I was just healthier and it made me so happy. I'm hoping these meds work fast so I can hear him say that again and maybe he will pat me on the head and kiss me there too and praise me and that would be a wonderful thing. He has done so much for me and now it's my turn. I want to learn to style his hair since he has a hard time, I think he'd really like that. Jason has given me a platform and I really want to make the most of it. I think I can really start enjoying life again in a healthy way. A long time ago he told me he's going to make me into the strong healthy women he knows I can be and he is. Someday I'm going to show him what he's done for me and I'm going to hug him and kiss him until he knows that he is loved and appreciated and safe and warm. I've been talking to a support group a lot about things to try and better myself and they've been big eye openers about stuff in general. I've spent so much time trying to make Jason do stuff but not myself because I thought it went one way but it doesn't!  Him taking a week and a half to himself isn't  a big deal. It's still  alot for someone who drives so much to see me. And it's scary because of my living conditions but it's not fair to take out on him. If he wants more time with his family than that's okay. I'm so happy that he has a family he'd love to spend time with. I'm happy he has that wonderful part of his life. I guess I'm a bit jealous. All my friends have such wonderful families. I just have to be willing to realize that that's a big part of his life and always will be, it's hard sometimes because I've been alone so long that I forget that family is a big thing. Family means so much. Family is one of the most important things in your life. It's so absent from my life that it's foreign some times.

Lately snickers and pebbles have really taken a liking to him and it's the most wonderful thing to see. Snickers treats him even better sometimes than she treated Andrew. She gets so excited to see him, I'm so blessed my kids like him and he likes them back. Pebbles doesn't get stressed from him being here anymore either which is really nice. I feel so bad for pebbles, he's taken it the hardest lately with the cieling falling, Andrew leaving.. I just don't know where I would be without Jason. I hope he understands how much I love him and I've done such a bad job showing it. Hell go run errands for me hell play with my hair I'd I don't feel good, he tells me I'm wonderful. Someday I'll let him see my journal maybe. Agh, there's probably so many typos from auto correct too.  I still get butterflies when thinking about him. I love you Jason, I can't wait to spend my life with you someday. I can't wait to have Halloween with you. I can't wait to be able to have someone to share the holidays  with this Thanksgiving. Thank you God for answering my prayers finally. Thank you for making every struggle worth it because now I get to wake up  to my soul mate. Thank you mom for giving me love through someone else. Thank you for guiding me to this person. When we have kids I'll get to tell them how hard it was but our love always found each other and we never gave up. That we always found our way back to each other and that's what love is. That seeing his smile made me so happy on such a sad day that that's how we emerged, through a dumb Facebook post. It's such a cute story, and I can't wait to tell the world about it. I'm going to be the best girlfriend someday. He's given me a lot of resolve to want to better myself and just be healthier. If it weren't for him I probably wouldn't have loved myself enough to want to be better and live a better life.
Animal crossing comes out in six months and omg I can't wait. I'm going to write Jason cute little letters and leave presents outside his house and just stock up on cute stuff for him. He's going to go fishing and I'm going to sneak up behind him and run fast and scare away his fish. And they brought back star gazing and we  can mic chat and just watch the shooting stars, it'll be really cute. Some day I hope we can find a nice place to really see lots of stars. I know he wants to go on his garage roof and we never got the chance to, but next time I'm down there I'm reminding him! Every shooting star ive seen has me wishing that this works. It's going to work Im going to make sure it does! And he's trying to too and that means so much!   I mean come on, how can I not madly be in love with his frizzy hair, adorable smile, soft skin  and goofy humor. Not to mention his new obsession with South park because of me. What a wonderful human being. I can't wait to start a new life with him. I can't wait.