old joke rewrites

My sister had a baby recently. She’s currently dealing with this huge shift in priorities, because before having a baby, half of every paycheck of hers would go towards smoking pot. And now she has to share her pot with the baby, which has to suck. I wish my parents let me smoke pot when I was a baby; all they ever gave me were cigarettes, and just the ones that they put out on my arm. I’m kidding, of course. I remember when I was 10 years old my mother caught me smoking cigarettes and, I know it’s hackneyed now, but she forced me to smoke the entire back. It was awful, but at least I survived, unlike the time she applied the same tactics to my brother, whom she had caught using heroin.

When I was 14, my mom found cigarettes in my backpack and she made me smoke the entire pack. It was awful, mainly because they weren’t even my cigarettes. I was the first kid to ever say, “I’m holding these for a friend” and actually be telling the truth. All I could think about the whole time though was that I wish she had found the quarter ounce of pot I had in my dresser instead.  I would never smoke a quarter ounce in one sitting, but that’s just due to frugality. However, on a dare.

In Hallmark, and in most stores that sell home décor these days, there are these tacky “Home Sweet Home” gone sassy quote plaques that you can hang on a wall or put on your mantle. They say things like, “There Better Be More Coffee” or “I drink coffee for your safety,” or some other quote involving the word “coffee.” I saw one recently that read, “No soliciting. We are too broke to buy anything, we know who we are voting for, we have found Jesus. Unless you are selling thin mints, please go away!” That is a very specific sign. I hope the three people whose interests it captures eloquently happen across it one day and fall instantly in love. I also hope I find one tailor made to my quirks; one that says, “No soliciting. I have money but I spend it on drugs and fireworks, I don’t vote because the government is evil and my hands are very small, I can’t find Jesus (I’ve looked everywhere). Unless you have pizza, please go away!”

I was at my dad’s house recently and found a note stuck to the refrigerator that read, “Turkey dinner is for me!” Obviously I was bewildered, because my dad hadn’t been a caveman when I left the house earlier. But then I was just happy for him because he found so much happiness in having his own turkey dinner to eat. My cave dad work hard all year long; he good cave dad.

Comedians from the 80s and 90s hate new comedians, because we have the advantages provided by the internet and cell phones. It’s unfair, but I totally get it, because I just know in 30 years I’ll hate all the new comedians, with their solar powered hover boards and their talking animal sidekicks.







I think it’s neat that we can use the internet to pinpoint the perfect match for us. Every year, more and more people are doing it this way; they’re meeting their loved ones online. I met my girlfriend in person, of course, because I’m a total stud and needed no extra help. I did meet my mom online, though. I mean, I had a mom already, but she was getting old and whiny, so I went online and found a mom who is a much better match for me. My new mom is into the same movies and literature as I am; she used to act in off Broadway productions, which is way cooler than anything my old mom ever did. Oh and she's also anti-child abuse, which is just like super refreshing.

I’m on a low carb diet because I’m trying to get into shape, or at least I’m trying to turn my current shape, oval, into a better shape like maybe a rectangle or at least a smaller oval. The only shape I’m absolutely opposed to becoming is a trapezoid because I have no idea what that would entail. I’ve been eating pork rinds because they’re low carb unlike my usual diet of pizza and shame. I was at the grocery store the other day, sadly walking past real food in my search for pork rinds, which are, let’s face it, about as edible as a football. I found a bag of pork rinds by a brand called Yoder’s and on the bag it read, “They’re Grandma Good!” I thought, “there’s no way these taste that good.” I had to know, though, so I bought them and, wasting no time, opened them up in the parking lot and popped one in my mouth and holy crap it tasted exactly like my grandmother.

It’s important to give back to your community, in case you didn’t know. I’m currently giving back to my community by developing an educational course for a local adult learning center. It’s a hybrid course which will simultaneously teach two subjects, the subjects in particular being Introductory Spanish and Understanding Sexual Consent Laws. Lesson one, “no means no.”

There’s a popular expression that goes, “put your best foot forward.” But what do you do when both of your feet just kind of suck?

I used to think people were so nice, until I finally caught on. It turns out that the expression “you must like the sound of your own voice” is not a compliment. I’ve spent years thinking that people were so fond of my voice that they felt the urge to keep insisting that I like too enjoy it.

I’m starting a homeless dating service. I can’t decide on a slogan to put on the website, though. It’s between, “Looking for a nice bum with a nice bum?” and “Are you a man handler looking for a pan handler?”  I’ll be honest, I’m not actually starting a homeless dating service; I just really wanted to write a joke using those two sentences.

When I was 20 I used to drink a lot. People would often say about me, “Damn, that guy sure drinks a lot!” I'm in my mid 20s now and people still say that about me, but the tone has become more somber, “damn, that guy sure drinks a lot…” That's how you know you're getting older, when things that used to be cool about you become overwhelmingly sad. Nobody has ever said about a 45 year old man, "he's really awesome at smoking weed and playing Mortal Kombat," even if it's true.

When I think of a joke or a funny premise, I like to bounce the idea off my friends for feedback. Idealistically, my friends can criticize my material and I can use their insight to perfect my material. Realistically, when one of my friends criticizes my material we’re no longer friends. Because clearly that friend is an unfunny asshole who doesn’t know shit about good comedy and my joke about my dad being a six headed bear is not only funny but it is the funniest thing in the world, Brian! Sorry, I shouldn’t bring my baggage up on stage with me, I know.

I wonder which president had the biggest dick, excluding black presidents, obviously. I bet it’s somebody you’d never expect, like Taft or Garfield. It’s definitely not Washington, because his monument is obviously over compensation.

Whenever people ask me if I’m making any money doing comedy yet, I always tell them that I am. Because technically I am; it’s just that my boss has no idea that he’s paying me to write jokes. He thinks I’m doing my job, whatever that means.

I’m not a complainer, you know? If I was fired tomorrow for like a mistake made by a co worker of mine or whatever, I wouldn’t get all animated about it. I just think there’s no reason to waste my youth being frustrated and angry. I want to enjoy this time of my life, because one day when I’m older I’ll have children and I can just take all that pent up rage out on them.