Ten Years Chasing A Dream (ch3)

Claudine is gone. So now what...?

Disclaimer: I do not own Shoujo Kageki Revue Starlight.

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							Chapter 3. One Last Wish

In the following weeks, Claudine's death is the only thing that defines Maya's existence.

She was excused from acting in her play, which she had been so dedicated to, so blinded by that only now that Claudine is gone does Maya realize how stupid she had been.

Only now does she realize how she'd been ignoring her, how she'd been making Claudine feel hopeless and depressed and so unspeakably sad.

Only now does Maya realize she'd been all wrong, that Claudine hadn't been doing what Maya had been and focusing on work in order to save up money.

No. Claudine had been wasting away each day in complete agony, thinking Maya didn't love her anymore.

She'd been crying herself to sleep every night.

She'd been delaying coming home because it hurt to be around her.

She'd been torn between wanting to trust Maya and wanting to just be through with her.

She hadn't understood why Maya had been canceling their dates, or staying out so late, or not joining her for bed, or not speaking with her. She hadn't known it was because Maya was so sick in her obsession that she hadn't even realized what she was doing was so harmful and foolish.

Maya had come to understand all of this in the coming days. She had understood perfectly well.

She had been disillusioned to her tragically-flawed methods of working herself for the money, for their dream. She now understood what she'd been doing for five years without even being fully aware of it.

She now understood Claudine's feelings, how hurt she had been every second of her life for the past several years. Maya understood her mistakes, her miscommunication, and every other thing she'd been too blinded by her goals to realize.

And she'd have the rest of her life to hate herself for it, every waking second.

But Claudine would never get to understand now.

Claudine would never get to hear Maya's endless apologies. She would never get to hear Maya's explanation of why she had behaved this way toward her all these years. She would never get to understand that Maya had been doing it for her - for them. For their dream.

No. Claudine had died believing Maya was cheating on her, or that she was tired of her, or that she simply didn't love or care about her anymore.

Claudine had died after spending five years feeling entirely and completely hopeless, unloved, and alone.

Claudine had died without ever knowing the truth. That Maya had been so impossibly in love with her that she'd let herself get sick with obsession.

What Claudine would never know now was that Maya had never stopped loving her for a second.

Even if she'd forgotten how to show and express it, Maya's love had never faltered.

Everything she had done, no matter how flawed her ideology had been, Maya had done it because she loved Saijou Claudine with every fiber of her soul. Every second spent at every conference or interview, every drop of sweat she'd ever shed at every audition and rehearsal, every word she'd ever sang or uttered at every performance…

Every canceled date night to spend more time practicing, every night spent apart to make more calls, every wordless morning and awkward afternoon and affection-less evening…

They had all been for Claudine. All of them.

Maya had ignored her for the sake of making that money in order to one day reveal that they could finally live their dream.

Everything Tendo Maya had ever done - the good and the bad, the earnest and the misguided, no matter how good the intentions and how horribly flawed the methods…

All of it. All of it had been for Claudine…

But that didn't matter anymore.

None of it. Not a single second of any of those arduous practices or prestigious performances. Not a moment of any of those nights Maya had refused to join her in bed because she'd honestly believed she needed to keep working toward something better.

None of it mattered anymore. All of it had been wasted. All of it had been for nothing.

Because Claudine was gone forever.

And it was all Maya's fault.

If she hadn't become so obsessed with her work…

If she'd been able to tear herself from the addiction and take a step back to view the whole picture, perhaps she might've been able to see just how unhappy she'd been making the love of her life.

If she'd been able to recognize her mistakes sooner, before something like this had happened…

Maybe she could have prevented it. Maybe Claudine would still be alive right now. Maybe Maya could've still had the chance to make amends and make things right.

But it's too late. It's all over.

The only solace was that they'd told her that Claudine had died instantly.

But Maya had taken little comfort from that news. Because even if Claudine hadn't suffered at the instant of her death, she had been suffering nonstop for the five years leading up to it.

And that's what eventually makes Maya realize the truth.

That the accident hadn't killed Claudine. Maya had.

Her lack of awareness and empathy and expression.

She'd made Claudine believe Maya no longer loved her.

She'd made Claudine believe she might have done something wrong to have lost Maya's affection.

She'd made Claudine upset enough to come out to pick her up that fateful night.

It was all Maya's fault.

She'd killed Saijou Claudine.

And she lives with that every day afterward.

And she'll continue to live with it for the rest of her life.

Because she won't take her own life. She doesn't deserve to be with her - not yet. She deserves to suffer as Claudine had. She deserves to live every second of the rest of her life in anguish for what she did to her.

It didn't matter that Maya had finally acquired the last bit of funds that would have allowed Claudine and herself to make it to France. Maya had reached her goal, the goal she'd been striving for for ten years now, the goal she'd let blind her for the past five of those years. She'd finally reached it.

But the price had been far too high.

Claudine's parents had flown to Japan for the funeral. They had sobbed and hugged Maya, but she hadn't been able to tell them, or anyone else, the truth.

How hers and Claudine's relationship had been so strained it may as well have not existed at all.

How unhappy Claudine had been.

How it had been Maya's fault she was dead.

Maya had been too much of a coward to reveal the truth.

She'd denied all interviews about the subject of Claudine's death, and the rest of the world understood it as the refusal of a grieving partner and colleague.

No one else had known of their relationship - rather, their pitiful excuse of one.

No one knew how it was all Maya's fault.

That was a guilt she'd live with and keep to herself until the day she died, too.

All throughout those weeks, the news is flooded with the story of the young and talented Saijou Claudine's premature passing. Every channel, every station, is talking about her, recounting her impressive accomplishments as far back as when she'd been a child actress for commercials. Memorial services, distraught fans, crying children who had looked up to her and aspired to be like her. The whole world was grieving the loss of Saijou Claudine.

And none of them knew it was Maya who had taken her from them.

Maya spends all of her days lamenting. She doesn't clean away any of Claudine's possessions, because some selfish greedy part of her wants to keep holding on.

Maya lives her days looking at Claudine's clothes in their dresser, her items in their closet, her leftover food in their refrigerator. She spends hours and hours reading through the texts on her cell phone, the last pieces of communication from Claudine that remain in this world, the last expressions of her emotions.

The last message she'd ever sent to Maya had been one of frustration and desperation and agony.

But Maya hadn't been able to interpret any of it at the time.

Now, she spends so many hours hoping, wishing, praying that somehow Claudine will walk in through that door again.

But she never does.

Even at night, when Maya finally sleeps in their bed, sobbing as she breathes in the final lingering traces of her scent, Maya hope she might see Claudine in her dreams.

But she hardly ever rests, and when she does, she never dreams.

And yet, whenever she wakes, she is still living this nightmare.

She doesn't go to work anymore. She doesn't feel she deserves the distraction of it. What she deserves is to waste away and wallow in her guilt, in the 'if only's.

If only she hadn't allowed herself to sink into her work to the point of obsession.

If only she had heard as the joy in Claudine's voice had gradually faded into dejection.

If only she had felt the exuberance in Claudine's touch as it had withered into hesitance.

If only she had seen the delight in Claudine's eyes as it had turned to dismay.

If only Maya had opened her eyes.

If only she'd realized how far she'd fallen.

If only she'd noticed sooner and been able to fix it.

If only it had been her to die instead.

If only she could get another chance.

If only she could turn back time.

If only. If only…

And it's then, huddled up cold and alone on her couch - the couch she should have spent cuddled up with Claudine every evening for the past five years - with her head aching and her heart falling to pieces more and more with every beat, when Maya remembers something from long, long ago.

An old theater. An old friend. An old wish…

She can't deny there might still be a shadow of a chance lingering somewhere in that underground stage.

Maybe her soul is already damned.

Maybe she already won't ever forgive herself for what she'd done.

But she still has to try. Not for herself. But for Claudine.

Because Claudine deserved to live out the rest of her life.

Because Claudine deserved better.

With or without Maya.

Maya had received letters of condolence from Nana and all the others, but she hadn't been able to read a single one of them. Because she'd known they would all be filled with essays upon essays of their love for Claudine - love Maya herself had failed to show to her. She simply couldn't do it.

But now, remembering them and their old battlefield is the only thing that gives Maya any minuscule shred of hope.

If there was any way she could get Claudine back, no matter the cost... even if it meant her own life, or that Claudine would never want anything to do with her again…

Maya has to try.

Claudine deserved as much - and so much more.

Therefore, for the first time in weeks, Maya clears her throat, picks up her phone, and makes a call.

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The staff as Seishou Music Academy still very much knew who Maya was, even a decade after her graduation. Most of the professors were still there, and all of the students knew of Maya's excellence and the legacy she had left behind.

But more than they knew about 'Tendo Maya,' they knew about 'Tendo Maya and Saijou Claudine.'

Every girl who had walked through those doors within the past decade had loved and been inspired by the two of them to some degree. Not only was the world of theatre still very much influenced by the people Maya and Claudine had once been as rivals and comrades and classmates in high school, but the two of them were still affecting things even now ten years later.

Maya should have come back here years ago, with Claudine. They should have come to visit together and held demonstrations for the new students, who would have been so eager and excited and enthusiastic to meet and learn from their highly successful alumni.

Maya should have come back here with Claudine after all this time to see a beautiful, blossoming campus.

But now, that can never happen.

When Maya arrives after making the long drive that Saturday afternoon, Seishou Music Academy is not the same beloved campus she remembers.

Instead, bouquets of flowers fill every inch of the property along the pathways. Photographs and presents and offerings dedicated to the late Saijou Claudine. Students had written letters and messages and left them for her, knowing full-well she would never get to read them, and that their feelings of awe and adoration would never reach her now.

As Maya slowly makes her way toward the campus, Claudine's memory is all around her. Everyone had loved her so much. Even people who had never met Claudine had loved her so very much.

Maya had always thought she'd loved her, too. She'd truly believed what she'd been doing in dedicating herself to the work and the paychecks had all been due to how deeply she loved Saijou Claudine.

But now she realizes that isn't true. If she'd loved her, she would have paid better attention. She would have caught and stopped herself before she'd gone past the point of no return.

Maya wanted to believe she loved her…

But as things are now, she really doesn't think she deserves to think that way anymore. After all, she had been the one to rob the world of the light known as Saijou Claudine.

As Maya limps her way onto that nostalgic campus, a few girls take note of her. She hears the faint gasps, but any potential excitement they may have harbored upon seeing her under any other circumstances never comes.

Instead, it is only whimpers of despair and sorrow. None of those girls has the heart to approach Maya, be it to offer their condolences or their words of comfort or praise or anything else.

And Maya can't blame them. For, no matter what achievements she might have made in the past, she was not that person any longer. She would never be the same 'Tendo Maya' ever again. Not without Claudine.

Maya finally comes to a halt at the entrance doors, where an older, but still very recognizable Miss Sakuragi is there to greet her. Her smile is kind and welcoming, but her eyes are full of pain and sorrow.

Maya had asked to come here today simply to reminisce and see her old campus. And of course the staff had accepted her request readily. Not to have her do any demonstrations or to run workshops or to motivate the new students like they should have been asking her to do. Maya is no longer worthy of such responsibilities, such honors.

So they allow her to come and visit, to find closure in the old memories of the school where she and Claudine trained so hard and achieved such greatness together.

Maya is brought to the main office, where all the staff do their best not to let their grief and sadness show. They give her a visitor's pass and permission to stay as long as she'd like. Maya thanks them all with a sincere dip of her head before exiting.

Part of her is grateful that no one had mentioned Claudine's name.

And the other part is furious.

Because the whole world should still be screaming in agony, even two weeks later.

They needed to keep talking about her. They needed to keep remembering her. They couldn't let Claudine's memory fade along with her.

Maya refused to live in a world where Saijou Claudine was eventually forgotten. She won't allow it.

And as such, Maya doesn't waste any time visiting the old classrooms or dance studios or auditoriums.

No. She has business to attend to here. She just has to hope she'll be let in after all this time.

Maya wastes no time in heading to the lower level of the building. Some of the walls have been repainted, and it sends a wave of nervousness through her. What if the elevator had been destroyed? What if her only point of access to that negotiator didn't exist anymore?

She runs down that empty hallway, rounding the corner feeling like she might be sick.

And for the first time in her life, she's actually relieved to see the faint red light blinking dimly on top of those heavy metal doors. They've rusted a great deal by now, to the point where she isn't even sure if they'll open anymore. But she has to try.

Drawing in a deep breath, Maya lets out her voice for the first time in days.

"Giraffe!"

She knows he would recognize her voice and her presence if he were still there. She knows he would let her in - if she was worthy.

But even after a moment, nothing happens.

Maya can already feel the tears - tears of fury and shame and desperation. She has to get inside. She has to.

"Please-!" She throws herself at those doors and digs her nails in, then heaves with all her might in an effort to pull them apart.

But they don't budge, not even a little. She only manages to scrape off a bit of rust and chip a few of her nails.

She understands perfectly well why she wouldn't be let in now. With Claudine gone, Maya has lost any radiance or will to live she might have had left.

But she needs to get in. She needs to speak with him. She needs to try-

So Maya slams on those doors with all her might, banging as hard as she can, screaming and shouting in frustration until her hair flies wildly around her face and her fingers bleed. She pounds on the doors and shrieks, begs, cries, but all in vain. She slams her body against those doors until she can't physically stand any longer and slumps to her knees, weeping with her whole body.

It's over. It's truly all over. She'll never get Claudine back. She'll never have the chance to tell her how sorry she is, how much she loved her, how much she still loves her…

Claudine…

"No… No…"

And then, a small voice.

"Mariavera…?"

It's such a strange, unexpected name, spoken by such a poignantly familiar voice that Maya isn't even sure she'd heard it or not.

But surely enough, when she finally raises her head and looks up past the frazzled hair and the bitter tears, she finds a very familiar girl standing over her. Her nickname comes to Maya's lips as a rush of memories floods her mind.

"Ojou… sama…?"

None other than Elle stands before her. She looks slightly different due to the fact that she is no longer wearing the same blue and white dress Maya had always seen her in, but instead she is donning Seishou's uniform. But her face and her hair and her eyes are exactly the same as they'd been when Maya and her friends would be called to the underground stage to fight a decade ago.

Ten years have passed since then, so the little Elle who had always been dreaming of her older self had now finally grown up and become that sixteen-year-old.

Maya blinks the tears out of her vision as she takes in the sight of her now. Elle is rightfully startled and shocked, to have found one of her idols since childhood here in her school right now, crying and shouting like a madwoman. But all at once, Maya sees the sad understanding in her eyes.

Elle offers her hand, and Maya accepts, feeling the difference between their strength as Elle helps her up. Where Maya had thought she might be the stronger of the two of them, she is sorely mistaken. In wasting away her years overworking herself, she had worn herself down, and with Claudine's death, Maya had become entirely distraught. Elle is much stronger than she is in spite of her age. She helps Maya to her feet and then lets her go, looking understandably hesitant.

"I thought I sensed someone here…" she murmurs. "Though it isn't in-use for revues or ReLives much anymore… I still have a connection to this theater." She pauses, as if contemplating what she should say next. "I... I can let you in. But after that, it is up to your radiance what happens next."

Maya blinks, astounded.

"Ojou-sama… "

Elle brings a gloved hand to her mouth and bows her head.

"I know why you're here… what you intend to do… And even though it might not work, or it might be dangerous… I have to let you try." Tears start falling down her cheeks as she tries to wipe them all away. "I loved Saijou-san dearly… Everyone did… It isn't fair that she's gone… that she was taken from us so soon…"

Maya isn't sure what comes over here then, but she just can't keep her secret any longer.

"It was me-" she blurts, and then her voice falters into a whisper. "I... I killed her. I killed Saijou-san…"

Elle looks back at her in disbelief. But Maya meets her gaze with unwavering honesty.

"It was my fault," she confesses. "And you are absolutely right. It isn't fair that she was taken from us. She deserves to live. And as such, I must do everything within my power to make things right." Maya gives her a look so compelling that it's nearly forceful. If Elle hadn't been willing to help her, Maya might have made her do it anyway.

But thankfully, Elle nods once again.

"I'll let you in," she whispers. "Please… if you can get Saijou-san back somehow…"

"I will," Maya vows. "No matter the cost. If it's possible, it will be done."

Elle wipes her eyes and dips her head again.

She then steps forward, closer to the elevator doors. They open for her almost instantly.

Maya nearly sobs with relief, but there is still no guarantee this will work.

She steps on, and is slightly surprised when Elle joins her. They meet eyes, and Maya can see the conviction there. Elle had permitted Maya entry here when Maya had been denied it herself. So the least Maya can do is let her come along.

And so the elevator doors close, and the two Stage Girls - one active and one retired - ride it all the way down into the depths of the basement.

And even though so much time has passed since Maya had last been here, suddenly it feels as though she'd never left. The only difference is that, this time, when the elevator comes to a stop to let them off, her clothes are not changed to suit that of someone about to do battle here, and no rapier appears before her.

The theater itself is also unchanged… and yet different. The rows and rows of seats remain empty, a vacant audience to watch a vacant stage. Only the necessary spotlights shine down on the stage, but there are no extra colors, no set pieces, no fellow actresses, not even any Korosu.

But there is a giraffe. He is laying with his legs curled beneath him at the center of the stage, with his neck curled around to rest his head on his back.

Seeing him again after so much time is almost surreal - even more so than it had used to be. Maya feels both sick and eager at the same time. For she knows his powers are dangerous, but they are also her only option.

As soon as she and Elle step foot onto the aisle, the giraffe's ears perk up and he lifts his head, blinking his long eyelashes.

"My, my…" His voice has a rasp to it, as though he hasn't used it in a very, very long time. It still sends chills through Maya's spine as she advances toward him with Elle beside her. The giraffe cranes his neck and lifts his head all the way from his position. "So you've come after all, Tendo Maya-san. I've been expecting you."

Maya pauses slightly at that, stopping halfway to the stage. She keeps her voice steady.

"And why is that?"

The giraffe merely blinks again.

"Because I am not unaware of the recent events. Such a tragedy could have been prevented. And yet it was allowed to occur anyway. I knew you, of all people, would never stand by quietly and allow such a thing. I understand."

Maya tenses, and the rush of tears nearly overflows in an instant. She can feel Elle gazing at her, but Maya doesn't have the strength to meet her gaze. She continues advancing, until she's climbed the steps of the stage and limped her way toward the giraffe.

And the moment she steps onto that stage again it's clear, both to her and to everyone else present here, that Tendo Maya is not at all who she used to be. Perhaps she harbors the same voice, the same body, the same appearance. But her soul is as good as gone. Without Claudine, she has nothing left.

Her gait is a pitiful shadow of her once-confident stride, her voice a mere whisper as opposed to the projected shout it used to be, and her eyes a dull, desperate plea rather than a fiery demand.

By the time she's neared the giraffe, Maya's legs have started to shake, and her vision has started to blur. And then, she can't take another step. Maya falls to her knees and pitches herself forward into a bow, prostrate and groveling in the most pathetically sincere gesture.

"Please-" she begs. "Let me go back… Let me have just one more chance…"

This wasn't a negotiation like it might have been in the past. She isn't bargaining with him, isn't trying to ensure the deal will hold on both ends. She is simply pleading. Begging.

Because even if he tricks her and steals everything from her this time, it wouldn't matter. For she has nothing left to be stolen. She is already as good as dead, so if the magics rob her of her life, it would make no difference.

Maya doesn't have anything left within her except this all-consuming guilt that aches in her jaw and cracks in her skull and throbs in her chest with every passing second. Maybe she doesn't even have any radiance left to offer him. But even so, she'll offer her body, her soul. Anything. So long as it could mean Claudine would be able to live her life as she deserved, Maya will pay any price.

Seeing Maya drop to the floor like this has Elle taken aback, but it's only seconds before tears fill her eyes and she's rendered weeping into her hands. The Tendo Maya the world knew would never show such a display of inferiority and helplessness.

And yet, it just goes to show how absolutely genuine she is in her guilt, in her desire for justice, and in her love for Saijou Claudine.

There is a long moment of heavy silence, and only the muffled sounds of Maya's sobs echo around the theater. Memories flash through her mind, memories of the days when she and Claudine had first started living together, of their impromptu dances around their apartment, of their mornings leaning against each other while making breakfast, and their nights clinging warmly to each other in bed.

And then they shift to the memories Maya had never even realized were occurring at the time. The days where their "good morning" wishes and their goodnight kisses had started to become fewer and farther between. And then the days when it had stopped altogether.

From there, all Maya had ever been aware of was her work. But now she understands Claudine had been crying all by herself, frustrated and sad and lonely, torn between avoiding her and confronting her, between trusting her and being suspicious of her, between loving her and…

No. Claudine had never stopped loving Maya, even for a second. If she had, she would have left that very instant. It was because she'd still loved Maya and still trusted her to some degree that she had still stuck around in spite of her immense pain.

And though Maya's methods had been so tragically flawed, she had never stopped loving Claudine, either. She just never got the chance to show it properly.

But now…

"Please…" she chokes. "Just one more time…"

Far above her, the giraffe looks down on Maya, unblinking. The silence persists, until Maya has nearly cried herself dry, but even then she doesn't lift her face. She waits in this agonizing silence, on the precipice of her final hope and the inevitable despair beyond it. An eon could have passed in that moment and she wouldn't have cared if it meant Claudine could return to her somehow.

And finally, the giraffe responds.

"Just once."

Maya can't believe what she's heard. She pushes herself up instantly, her tearstained face wrought with emotion.

"You…? You mean-?"

The giraffe tilts his head in a complicated movement as he considers.

"You may go back," he affirms. "But there will be a price-"

"Anything-!" Maya blurts. "I don't care what it is! Take the whole world if you must!" She doesn't even care for the blatant disregard she is showing with such a comment, and with Elle able to hear her. Maya's love for Claudine is so deep, so powerful that she would allow it to consume her like that, that she would consider something as severe as sacrificing the entire world just to make amends with her.

And it's ridiculous and selfish and awful of her. But it's how she truly, truly feels.

Because no matter how guilty she may feel, no matter how shameful and helpless and angry and depressed…

All of those things are feelings that stem from how much she had loved Claudine. And how much she still loves her.

Even Elle and the giraffe understand that much.

Maya holds his gaze, tilting her head back so far her neck starts to ache.

The giraffe eventually continues.

"That is quite a mighty statement, Tendo Maya-san. However… your emotions, your thoughts, your wishes… I understand." Slowly, the muscles on his back ripple beneath the spots as he unfolds his legs and begins to stand, raising himself up even higher.

Maya doesn't budge. If it means he has to kill her right then and there, she'll accept it. She'll accept anything.

When he has stood at his full height, the giraffe continues.

"Indeed, I have granted this sort of wish in the past. But now, circumstances are different. At the time, Daiba Nana-san was a blossoming Stage Girl with boundless radiance to offer, and as such, rewinding time was not difficult at all. But you…" He pauses, looking Maya over with something akin to pity. "You… Tendo Maya-san… You were once the most radiant Stage Girl to claim position zero. The one closest to achieving the Top Star Tiara. The head of your class and your generation. You were once overflowing with the purest radiance… But now, though the radiance that surrounds you is even greater than it once was, it is not nearly as resplendent. I understand."

It takes a moment for Maya to comprehend his meaning, but eventually it makes sense. She has more radiance than she ever did before because she had spent the past several years solely on the stage. She had willingly allowed herself to be consumed by her work, spending every waking moment on stage, singing, dancing, rehearsing. All while ignoring Claudine and justifying that it was for the sake of loving her.

As such, Maya has more radiance now than ever before, because she has dedicated so much time to the stage.

But that radiance is almost tainted in a way, lacking the purity it once had. Because in the past, Maya had performed together alongside the people she had loved and admired the most in the world, and as such that had made her radiance pure.

But now, she had done just the opposite. Though she had devoted herself to her work, she had done so while disregarding those closest to her, those who had mattered the most.

Her intentions had been equal parts pure and tainted, and her flawed logic had caused her to cast aside what mattered most to her. As such, her overflowing radiance now exists for all the wrong reasons.

"Even so-" the giraffe utters. "I should be able to grant your wish, Tendo Maya-san."

"Then-"

"However," he continues. "Time travel is no easy feat to accomplish when the fuel is so… precarious. I regret to inform you that, given the quality of the offered radiance, I will likely only be able to send you back a few days into the past."

Maya tenses, and her heart seizes.

A few days. Though, Claudine's death had occurred a few weeks ago...

It might not be enough. But-

"Do it," Maya begs. "Please. If there is even the smallest hope that-"

"You do understand," he says. "That there will be no second chances. I will be taking all of your radiance as payment. As such, even if things do not go as you'd hoped, then there is nothing that can be done about it. If you only return two days back in time, then there is no changing it, and Saijou Claudine-san's death will never be prevented. The reality that you will find yourself in will be the true reality, no matter how beneficial or painful it may turn out to be. There will be no running from the reality you will find yourself in this time, Tendo Maya-san."

Maya chokes, pausing for an agonizing moment to let his words sink in.

This very well might not work. In fact, given the poor state of her radiance, there was an extremely high probability that it wouldn't work. Maya might only be sent back a few days, and Claudine would remain lost forever. She would never get to know how sorry Maya was, or just how much she loved her. Maya would never be able to make things up to her or let them live their dream together.

Rather, Maya would simply be spat back into the same empty apartment with the same tragic news playing on the TV. She'd be made to suffer the loss and the agony all over again.

If that were the case, she deserved it. There was no reason at all not to try.

Therefore, Maya pushes herself fully to her feet now and meets the giraffe's gaze with an unwavering conviction.

"I understand." Maya then dips her head and opens her arms wide. "Please take it. Take everything from me. Everything but her…"

Even if it meant Maya could no longer be with her.

Even if it meant they forgot one another, or never met at all.

Even if it meant Maya's life in exchange for hers.

She doesn't care. So long as Claudine got to live.

Even if it was a life without Maya.

Even if it meant Maya couldn't ever make amends or be happy with her.

She just wants Claudine to live as she deserved.

"Please…"

She pours all of her thoughts and emotions from the past twenty years into the atmosphere now - from the decade she and Claudine had lived together, and also to the school years they had spent together before that, and as far back as Maya's childhood days when she had first caught a glimpse of the lovely and talented blonde girl on a TV commercial.

She's willing to offer all of it for this one final chance.

She can already feel the stage reacting all around her. The curtains flutter in an unseen wind, the spotlights dim and brighten in fluctuating patterns, the wood below her shoes rumbles awake after so many years of being dormant.

"Please…" she rasps again. "Take it."

Behind her, Elle steps back, hands clasped together in prayer.

And before her, the giraffe cranes his neck down to rest it on top of Maya's head.

"Tendo Maya-san," he murmurs. "I sincerely wish you the best of luck."

And with that, Maya feels a sudden, violent surge of energy. It's as though her soul is truly being ripped from her body, every ounce of energy and fiber of muscle and bone being warped and pulled apart.

It doesn't hurt; not in a way she can make sense of, at least. But it's truly as though the space of the dimension around her is breaking apart and rebuilding itself piece by piece.

Take it, she wills it. Take it all. All of this tainted radiance. All of these emotions I never used properly. All of these things I never got to show her or tell her…

If it all goes wrong, she at least wants her final thoughts to be of her.

And so Maya pulls up the fondest memory, of the day she and Claudine had first stepped foot into their new apartment and thrown their arms around each other in the purest glee.

Of Claudine's mirthful eyes and bright smile.

Of her tender warmth and her lively heartbeat.

Even if it's only in a memory, Maya reaches out and holds her close.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

If this doesn't work, she'll never be able to tell her. She'll never be able to see her smile or hear her laugh or feel her warmth ever, ever again.

Please… oh, please…

She doesn't deserve to have this wish granted. But Claudine deserves to live her life fully. So Maya pleads it will work for that, if nothing else.

Claudine… Saijou Claudine…

The whole world seems to shift around her as a bright darkness consumes Maya's senses.

I love you. With all my heart and soul. I love you until the end of time and beyond.

And then, somewhere past all the strange sounds and rushes of air, Maya hears the giraffe speak one last time.

"I understand! This fuel… this radiance… the source is-"

But Maya doesn't hear the rest.

She is cast into a deep and unknown darkness, void of any sense or feeling or thought of any kind.

She is merely a presence, an existence.

Wandering. Seeking out the one to match herself.

She searches and searches, beyond time or life or death.

And somewhere, somehow, she finds her again…

---------

A/N: I enjoyed getting to write Maya meeting older Elle this many years later. And Maya's selfishness to literally make the whole entire world rewind - even Elle who helped her get there - because was just so hopelessly in love with Claudine. It's an awful and yet beautiful thing for her to do, and definitely something Tendo Maya, of all people, would do.

Will she be able to go back far enough with only the current amount of 'fuel' she has to offer...?