Anon: Vampony Hunter! The Good Life (2/2) (April Fool's Ed.)

>Day Tea-Time in Equestria (April Fool's edition)
>You are Carnelian: Bat pony, artisan, and an entrepreneur that is hopefully about to receive her first big commission!
>Yesterday you were approached by Rarity, a unicorn who has been making big waves in the world of high fashion for the past several years.
>Your good friend, room-mate, and employer Anon had talked up your skills as a jeweler and that had led to today’s invitation.
>Not only are you going to be showing some pieces that you have been working on, but you’re also going to be meeting with a big shot from Canterlot named Hoity Toity.
>According to Spike, Mr. Toity is a big deal so if you impress him this could mean big things for you.
>With the money from a few big commissions you could set up a proper workshop and by some proper tools.
>Maybe you can even repay Anon for all the kindness he’s shown you.
>The morning had already been a whirlwind of activity.
>Spike had been asked by Anon to give you a crash course in tea etiquette and had done an admirable job. (Seriously, was there anything that little guy couldn’t do?)
>Now you are standing in Sugar Cube corner so that Anon can order breakfast and you can purchase something to take with you to Rarity’s.
>While Pinkie Pie is boxing your order of a dozen apple scones (which she assures you is THE perfect thing to take) Rarity herself stops in looking more than a little frazzled.
>“Oh, darling!” she exclaims. “I’m so glad I ran into you. There’s been a slight change of plans. It turns out that Fluttershy can’t make it, the poor dear. Something about a sick wolf, or wombat, or something.”
“That’s too bad.” It really is too. Fluttershy is somepony that you didn’t know very well and you had been looked forward to talking with her more.
>“Yes, but that’s not why I wanted to talk to you. It turns out that Hoity Toity is bringing some additional guests along with him. Have you ever heard of Fancy Pants and Fleur-de-lis?”
>You shake your head.
>Sometimes having grown up in a backwater that is essentially cut off from the rest of civilization makes you feel like such a rube.
>“Well,” your hostess continues, a strange gleam in her eye. “Fancy Pants is one of the most notable philanthropists in all of Equestria. Not only that, but he is a true patron of the arts as well. And his wife, Fleur, she did modeling work before she married him, so you can be sure that they both know a thing or two about fashion. Anyway, I’m friends with both of them so when they heard about this little tea they decided to join Hoity. And that is why I am here, so I can pick up some additional treats for our extra guests.”
>She ends her rant with a barely restrained gasp and tries to calm herself.
“Wow, I was feeling nervous with just Mr. Toity coming, but now I’m really getting butterflies in my stomach.”
>“Tut-tut, not to worry my dear. Fancy Pants is a gem of a pony. He recognizes talent wherever it may be. And Fleur is- well she’s a sweetheart.  I’m sure you won’t have any problems winning them over.”
>Rarity turns towards your companion.
>“Oh, and Anonymous darling, I was wondering if you would like to join us as well. Hoity had expressed some interest in you, seeing as how no other species in creation wears as many clothes as you do. He wanted to learn about a world that needed so many garments.”
>Anon gets a pained look on his face.
>“Oh, gee Rarity. I dunno. I’ve got some more work to do today and honestly I don’t know how much I’d be able to tell him about clothes…”
>It’s obvious that he doesn’t want to go; he’s mentioned before that standing around getting fitted for clothes is akin to mild torture for him.
>But then he makes a fatal mistake.
>He looks down at you.
>And you give him your best puppy dog eyes.
>Granted, it’s not a trick you pull very often since Anon is usually pretty reasonable about things, but you REALLY want some moral support at this gathering and he’s the best candidate.
>As you give him your best pout, Anon begins to squirm.
>He manages to look away but you are standing close enough to his leg so that he can feel your trembling expression.
>After sweating it out for what seems like several minutes he finally breaks.
>“Ok! Ok. Geez, I’ll go.”
>Giving Anon your biggest smile, you swear you hear Rarity mutter “Well played…” under her breath.
>“What was that?” Anon barks.
>“Oh, nothing.”  Rarity twitters. “Just be sure not to be late. And Anonymous, darling, do be sure to wear that long sleeve silk shirt, will you? Yes, the blue one, that’s right.”
>Before she can utter any more edicts Pinkie pops up with your order.
>Since your friend now needs to change clothes you hastily bid Rarity farewell and head home.
>As you step out the door you hear Rarity tell Pinky that she needs two dozen treats that scream ‘quaint and rustic’.
…
>You both arrive at Carousel Boutique a few minutes before ten.
>Your hostess opens the door with a flourish and invites you both in.
>The frazzled mare from this morning is nowhere to be seen; Rarity is all business and charm.
>Her composed manner is actually quite impressive considering the butterflies that are still flitting around in your own stomach.
>You hostess sweeps you both into the parlor where a table is set up with a fine white tablecloth and a gorgeous tea service.
>Sitting around the table are three other ponies.
>You assume the unicorn couple sitting together are Fancy Pants and Fleur-de-lis.
>True to his name, the stallion is quite sharp looking with his waistcoat and monocle.
>And his companion, wow! You’ve never seen a mare that was so tall and elegant looking aside from the Princesses.
>You take a quick glance at her withers to make sure that she isn’t really an alicorn.
>The other stallion, an earth pony, is no slouch in the couture department either.
>He has on a silk cravat and a pair of sunglasses that make you quite envious.
>Maybe he can tell you were you can get a pair of your own when this is all over.
>Rarity ushers you both to your seats and the smiles that greet you immediately put you at ease.
>Hoity Toity eases his sunglasses down his muzzle and gives Anon an appraising look. “My my, you are a tall one.”
>Your human friend fidgets nervously in his seat, clearly uncomfortable with the attention.
>“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be rude.” the earth stallion remarks. “I have several minotaur models that work for me you see, but even compared to them you’re quite unique. Much slimmer. It’s no wonder Rarity’s clothes hang on you so well.”
>Rarity gives a nervous laugh. “Oh it’s quite fun to design clothes for our resident human. Speaking of designs, how is that new line you were heading up Fleur?”
>It’s pretty obvious that she’s trying to trying to change the subject but nobody seems to mind, especially Anon.
>“It’s going well. Fancy’s been oh so patient with me through the whole thing. Who would have thought that wearing clothes for a living and designing them would be so different?”
>“Ah hah hah…” You hostess gives that same nervous laugh.  “Well, I’m afraid you have me beat, darling. I’ve never been much of a model. I do much better just working as a designer. “
>“Oh, you’re too modest.” The leggy mare laughs.
>Then she turns her attention to you, unexpectedly.
>“And what about you, my dear? I admit, I’ve never met any bat ponies outside of those stallions in the Night Guard. Tell us more about yourself.”
>You tell the gathered company a bit about your life growing up in Hollow Shades and how you learned your craft from your father.
>Leaving out some unpleasant details, you finish by telling them how you decided to move to Ponyville to get a fresh start and try to make it in the outside world.
>Fleur-de-lis shakes her head a little and gives you a sympathetic smile.
>“Oh my, that must have been difficult. I’m always so impressed with anypony who decides to strike out on their own like that.”
>She turns her head a little and looks you up and down.
>“Tell me, have you ever posed for the camera?”
>Whoa! That’s an unexpected question.
“Uh, n-no. I’m, uh, not really model material.”
>Hoity Toity interrupts. “Perhaps not in the classical Canterlot sense, but you’re not without a certain charm. And ponies are looking for new things these days. Isn’t that right Fancy?”
>“Oh I quite agree.” the mustachioed unicorn nods his head. “Ever since our dear Princess Luna has returned there has been quite the revival in things that are reminiscent of the dark and mysterious night. Why, with the right stylist and coaching, I think a mare such as yourself could do quite well.”
>Huh, you’ve never been told anything like that before.
>Honestly, you’re not sure what to think but you feel a major blush crawling up your cheeks.
>Rarity, once again, comes to the rescue and clears her throat to get everyone’s attention.
>“Now , now, before you go signing Carnelian up for a multi-year modeling contract you really ought to take a look at the pieces she brought in.”
>Grateful for the distraction, you lean over and lift a small bag onto the table.
>You open the velvet satchel and show the gathered ponies two of the bangles that you’ve been working on tirelessly for the past month.
>One is made of copper and the other silver.
>Both are heavily embossed with the traditional figures and patterns of your home village.
>As the fashion forward guests go over your work they immediately start praising both the design and crafting.
>“Marvelous…”
>“Fine work indeed.”
>”Ooh, I want one for my collection!”
>As they all remain engrossed in their inspection, you slouch a little in relief.
>Glancing over at your hostess you see her give you a small smirk and a clear ‘I told you so’ look.
>You start to smile in return when something causes you to pause.
>Something is brushing up against your leg.
>At first you think it's an accident, but then it happens again.
>This time the stroke is long and deliberate.
>Somepony is playing hoofsies with you and it’s obviously somepony sitting on the other side of the table!
>You try to ignore the sensation of another pony’s hoof running up and down your lower leg.
>Instead you try to look at the other guests to figure out who’s doing it.
>You can’t tell! They’re all look equally innocent!
>Except…
>Is that a small glance that Hoity Toity’s giving you?
>And what about the way that Fancy Pants keeps giving you little smiles as he asks you questions about your process?
>The intruder starts to move up a bit higher.
‘Oh, Luna!’ You cry silently, as you close your eyes and squirm in discomfort.

…

>Somewhere, on the ineffable currents of the ether, a phantom figure perks their head; as though they hear something on the cosmic wind.

…

>As the mystery hoof makes its rounds over your hock, you suddenly lurch out of your chair and step back a pace.
>Everyone looks at you with some concern.
>Trying not to be too awkward, you mutter something about ‘powdering your nose’ and speed off towards the back of the shop.
>Finding a bit of seclusion you calm yourself.
>What are you going to do?
>Well the good thing is that none of the ponies present can get too frisky while in public.
>You’ll just stay away from draped tablecloths and…
>“Ms. Carnelian?” a voice interrupts your thoughts.
>You turn in a panic.
>You do not want to be caught alone right now!
>Then you sigh in relief. It’s Fleur.
“I’m sorry. I, uh, I guess I was just having a, um, a case of nerves. What with your husband and Mr. Toity taking such a close look at my work.”
>You hope she buys your fib.
>“Oh, I understand, believe me.” She gives you a knowing look.
>“Stallions can be so rough and uncouth sometimes, can’t they?” She rests a sympathetic hoof on your shoulder.
“Um, yah, I guess.” You give a small chuckle of agreement.
>“Of course, my Fancy is something of an exception. He’s always so considerate. Always letting me have my way…”
>The svelte unicorn begins to rub your shoulder.
>Umm…
>“You know, I meant it when I said I was rather impressed with you. And not just for your talents and determination. I suppose I always judged bat ponies by those rough and tumble stallions in the Guard, but I must say that you are quite the handsome mare.”
>She leans in and gives your mane quick a sniff.
>“Why, you’re like a living embodiment of the evening itself…”
>She begins to lean in closer.
>At this point your brain has all but shut down.
>You are trying mightily to respond to this situation, but it’s all so unreal that you’re pretty sure you’ve gone into shock at this point.
>Finally, you snap out it and find that the ex-model is nuzzling your neck in a way that is the complete opposite of innocent.
>Trying to back away from the amorous mare you find yourself pinned to the wall of the backroom.
>Fleur continues to pour honeyed words into your ear as you close your eyes and try to figure a way out of this mess.
>Her husky voice and luxurious scent would surely enrapture any stallion; and a few mares besides…
>N-not that you’re tempted or anything!
>Fleur’s nuzzling stops.
>You open your eyes a crack just in time to see the sensual siren lean in to deliver a velvety kiss.
>Screwing your eyes shut, you shudder and scream in your heart.
‘Luna save me!’

…

>On another plane of consciousness, ears that hear the eldritch music of the stars perk as eyes that shine with arcane light blaze.
>First one hoof takes a step, then another.
>In a shorter time than it takes to blink an eye, the figure hurls itself across the unmeasured lengths of the cosmos and descends like a vengeful comet onto a fashion boutique where was heard a silent prayer to a vengeful deity.

…

>BOOOM!
>Both you and your would-be lover can only gawk as the Princess of the Night herself crashes through the roof and forms a small crater in the floor.
>The ebon mare stands tall and gazes down at you both, a look of disdain in her eyes.
>“We have heard the cries of one of our own and have deigned to answer their silent plea. WE DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT GOES ON HERE!”
>All the other ponies, plus Anon, come rushing into the back room, only to stop at the spectacle before them.
>You look up at Fleur, who still has her hooves wrapped around you.
>She looks down and, realizing the compromising position she is in, jerks away.
>Fancy Pants facehoofs and mutters, “Ah my dear, not again…”
>“Oh, ho!” The Night Sovereign declares.  “We see now. Fancy Pants, thy wife has sought to seduce this mare and lead her astray.” She glances sharply at Fleur. “Dost thou deny the charge?”
>“Um, we-well no, but I wasn’t going to force her to-“
>“Silence thou shameful mare! Fancy Pants, as her husband I leave it up to thee to declare a fit punishment for thy wife.”
>Taken aback by Princess Luna’s words, Fancy Pants stammers, “I-I say, punishment? I don’t think there’s any call for that! I mean this isn’t the first time she’s had a little tryst and no pony has ever been hurt or…”
>The Princess stamps her hoof and a loud crack of thunder reverberates though the hole in the ceiling.
>“Thou means to tell us that thou knew of thy wife’s infidelities and looked past them?!”
>“Um, well-” The unicorn searches for something to say. “Open relationships are - uh - quite common these days. At least in the circles we travel in…”
>”ENOUGH! Too long have we been away from this world. We have returned to find only increasing decadence and lewd depravity. That shall end now. We declare jihad on the corruption of these modern times. We shall send forth a crusade that shall purge the land as though by fire!”
>You watch in awe as the Mistress of the Evening turns to look at you.
>“Thou, Carnelian, hast proven thyself a brave and virtuous pony. Wilt thou join us?”
>You feel a fire ignite in your bosom. For your monarch, you would do anything.
“Yes!” you cry with the fervor of a zealot.
>Luna turns to Anon.
>“And thou, Anon. E’en though thou art from another world, we believe that thou hast the mettle to aid us in our task. Wilt thou join us?”
>Your friend thinks for a moment.
>“Yeah, sure, why not? I was getting kind bored with carpenter work anyway.”
>“Very well! Lady Rarity, gather the other Elements post haste. We shall strike the evil from this land!”
>Your hostess, who looks as though the entire world has been flipped upside down, doesn’t respond but instead stumbles off; presumably to go tell the other Elements of their grand new assignment.
>As the Lunar Diarch prepares to leave, a very nervous Hoity Toity raises his hoof to get Her Highness’ attention.
>“Um, what about those of u- I mean what about those ponies that are, um, homosexual?”
>“What about them, subject? Dost thou suggest that they are contributing to the decline and decay of our fair realm?” She fixes him with a piercing stare.
>“No!” he blurts out. “Um, not particularly.”
>“Then we care not." The earth pony sags in relief. “Now let us away.  We have a nation to set right!”

…

>It has been a hard five years since the Princess launched her crusade against all that was tearing down Equestria.
>You had been instrumental in rallying your fellow bat ponies to the cause.
>Of course, the nobles, those corrupt simpering sycophants had done all they could to stop you.
>But they were weak, softened by their decadent and sybaritic ways.
>The common ponies had been split; a number of them siding with Princesses Celestia and Twilight Sparkle.
>But when most of the other Elements had chosen to follow your Liege and you had succeeded in placing the other two Princesses under house arrest the masses had fallen in line.
>It didn’t hurt that your mistress had released them from the taxes that went to support the very nobles that you had helped to cast down.
>Yes, now that Equestria’s proverbial stables have been cleaned you see a bright future ahead.
>You have but one regret…
>Footsteps sound behind you and you know immediately who it is.
>Only one being has that distinctive two step gait.
>You look up to see Anon.
>He has been your constant companion these past five years.
>Between the two of you have been many campaigns; many triumphs and sorrows.
>And now, now that peace is in view, you find your thoughts turning to him more and more.
>You sigh and lean into his leg a little.
>“I know that sigh,” he remarks, “What’s the matter?”
>You gather yourself. You know what you’re about to say will change things between you two forever.
“I, oh Anon! You’ve always been there for me, and I wish that… that we could…”
>You gaze up at your amazing friend and utter simply:
“I love you Anonymous.”
>A strange look crosses your companion's face.
>He kneels and tenderly wipes the unshed tears from your eyes.
>Then he gives you that insufferable smirk that always drives you crazy.
>“I love you too, you crazy bat pony.”
“Oh, Anon!” you cry, as you fling yourself into his arms.
>For a moment you share bliss.
>Then reality comes crashing in.
“But Anon, we can’t be together. You’re a human and I’m a pony. It’ll never work.”
>He looks down and sighs.
>“I’d give anything to be with you Nel, even if it meant giving up being a human.”
>“WE THINK SOMETHING CAN BE DONE ABOUT THAT!”
>You both look up.
>Princess Luna!
>She lands and waves a hoof at Anon.
>“If thou desires, We can turn thee into a pony.”
“Really?!” you exclaim.
>“Of course! Surprisingly enough, it’s actually a fairly easy spell.”
“You mean - all these years we could have been, been…”
>Fortunately Anon cuts you off before you strangle your monarch.
>“I’ll do it Princess.”
>“VERY WELL!”
>The alicorn’s horn begins to glow as Luna begins to chant.
>“Transformicus formicus, Equestia Girls reversicus PLOTICUS!”
>A burst of light blinds you temporarily.
>When your vision clears the human you knew as Anonymous no longer stands before you.
>Instead, a rather handsome bat stallion is lying on the ground in a daze.
>You shake him gently.
“Anon?” you whisper.
>Suddenly the stallion jerks upright.
>“WhoWhatWhenWhere?!”
>He looks down at his body and then flutters his wings experimentally.
>“Oh. I’m a bat pony. Groovy.”
>He stands up and immediately gives you a deep kiss.
>The Lunar Monarch coughs in surprise.
>“Well, we see that you both have things well in hoof. We shall bid thee good evening. Have fun!”
>With a knowing wink she launches her royal self into the sky.
>As you break your long kiss Anon gazes into your eyes.
>“Carnelian,” he murmurs.
“Yes Anon.”
>“Do you know where that Griffon regiment kitchen is set up?”
“I think so, why?”
>“I don’t know about you but I could go for a big juicy steak right about now.”
“You know, that sounds like a really good idea.”
>Smiling at each other, you wing your way towards some good grub and an even better future together.

Best End.